The DOs and DON’ts of Sex in 2012

[Asguard]

Be that as it may the origional question remains, if she's telling the truth and she didnt love him for that long how could she sleep with him? I can't get my head around that, though concidering love is only a recent concept it lots of people must have done if, royals certainly married for state not for love but I don't know, the concept just feels slimy sort of

 

[KilljoyKlown]

Be that as it may the original question remains, if she's telling the truth and she didn't love him for that long how could she sleep with him? I can't get my head around that, though considering love is only a recent concept it lots of people must have done if, royals certainly married for state not for love but I don't know, the concept just feels slimy sort of

Many people get married for reasons other than love and they are not always truthful about it to the people they are living with for any of a multitude of reasons. Inexperienced people sometimes think things will work out once they are married.

 

[Fraggle Rocker]

Once again a weding is ALL extras, it's compleatly unnesssary for the basics. So Sure I could go to "hatches, matches and dispatches" and full out paperwork and it would do what exactly? Legally we would be no different than we are right now so what would be the point? If its just symbolic (which it IS in Australia) then whats the point of losing the symbols?

Our wedding cost about $300. (Those were 1977 dollars, probably equivalent to about $1,200 today.) That was a nice dress for her and a nice jacket and tie for me (all of which have been worn again many times in other festive circumstances), the minister's fee, the legal fee, some flowers and champagne, and a nice dinner for the entire wedding party: the two friends who were witnesses, the minister and us. The friends held the ceremony in their house so there were no rental fees, and since Mrs. Fraggle is the best cook in seven counties there was no way she was going to let us eat a cake that somebody else made.

It was a really nice evening, a celebration. A "rite of passage" if you will. Very meaningful. We really felt like husband and wife when we went home that night, even though it had already been our home for a few weeks.

By "not in a relationship" you mean not having sex with each other anymore?

There is no accepted standard definition of "a relationship." Most people assume that if you bother to call it that, there must be some emotional attachment or you'd just say "friends," but even that is not cast in stone. This is one of the things you get with a wedding and the marriage certificate. If you're married, we all assume that you're in love (or at least were once), that you make plans together for an indefinite future, that you give each other priority over other people and relationships, and that you count on each other in any kind of emergency. You may not have sex, you may not have or want children, you may not even live together due to other commitments like jobs, but that's okay.

Sure there are unmarried couples who satisfy all of these definitions, but no one is going to assume that about them until they've been together for many years. And sure there are married people who don't do these things: marriages of convenience, gold diggers, shotgun weddings, mail-order brides, various kinds of fraud, and just plain horrible mistakes. Every definition has outliers and that doesn't invalidate the definition.

Be that as it may the origional question remains, if she's telling the truth and she didnt love him for that long how could she sleep with him?

I must be the eighth or ninth person to point this out to you, but lots of people have sex without love. Over and over again. All those people in the "exceptions" I listed above, for example. In many countries it's still more-or-less acceptable for men to have mistresses.

I can't get my head around that,

Oh sure you can.

though considering love is only a recent concept

That's not quite right. Marrying for love is a recent concept. But love goes way back before recorded history. All the ancient legends feature lovers.

Human children require more care than those of any other species of mammal, and furthermore they require more years of care. Elephant babies grow up in five years and the large baleen whales in two. This means that they absolutely must have two parents, or the species cannot survive. Love makes that possible. (So does the human female's almost unique ability to copulate when not in estrus, even when pregnant or nursing. Helps keep daddy at home every night. Dolphins and chimpanzees have this trait too, but they use it for social bonding. Bonobo chimpanzees have orgies that the entire pack participates in, including the children.)

Love is an instinct in our species. Of course we're not totally unique, there are other mammals and many birds who mate for life.

royals certainly married for state not for love but I don't know, the concept just feels slimy sort of

It was taken for granted that all of these husbands and wives had lovers that they met in secret. This probably helped mitigate the inbreeding problem that led to so many cases of royal hemophilia, etc.

And don't dismiss the possibility that two people who are introduced to each other by their families can fall in love too. Being in I.T. I have a great many friends from India. Some of them had marriages arranged by their parents, and they seem as happy as the rest of us, and happier than quite a few of us. I'll never forget one man telling me about it after something like 25 years of marriage. "I could have spent my whole life searching the world, and I could never have found a wife half as perfect as the one my parents found for me. I didn't know it was possible to fall so deeply in love. Every night in my prayers I thank them for introducing me to my wonderful bride." There were tears in his eyes.

Don't we all hope we'll feel that way 25 years from now? (Well 35 for us and we still do.)

 

[R1D2]

I found this list of questions and answers and am interested in the opinions of the forum members. Do you have any problems with any of these answers?

It's 2012 and things have changed. But don't worry, we've got you covered. Read on and be ready to enter the dating world in confidence.

Is dating a coworker OK?

“You should never date up or down,” advises Nan DeMars, a workplace ethicist in Minneapolis. “You could lose your job and face legal ramifications.” If you’re equals, it’s OK as long as you’re professional (don’t get hands-y at the copier). But proceed with caution: If the relationship goes south, the fallout could be epic.

Do I have to tell my husband I had lunch with my ex?

We know it’s easier not to, but yes. “My rule is, don’t do anything you can’t tell him about,” says Mira Kirshenbaum, author of I Love You but I Don’t Trust You. “These things have a way of coming out, and even if what you did was innocent, the hiding will make it seem anything but.”

If a guy goes down on me, do I need to reciprocate?

“A blow job is never an obligation—only return the favor if you want to,” says Christi, 34, of Knoxville, Tennessee. “If he pushes your head down there, that’s just rude!” Logan Levkoff, Ph.D., a New York City sex educator, concurs: “Sex should never be tit for tat, though generally things should even out.”

Is it ever OK to read my boyfriend’s/husband’s Gchat, Facebook, and email?

“In a word, no—at least not without his explicit permission,” says Karen Stohr, Ph.D., a senior research scholar at the Kennedy Institute of Ethics in Washington, D.C., and author of On Manners. “It doesn’t matter whether we’re talking about texts, instant messages, emails, or personal letters, you owe it to the guy to respect his privacy.” Even when you sense he’s been dishonest and deserves a little CSI, think twice before you stoop to his alleged low. “If you have a reason to be suspicious,” Stohr says, “ask him about it straight-out.” Still want to snoop? “Know going in that he may find out and you’ll have to deal with his mistrust of you,” cautions Kirshenbaum.

Do I have to be cool with his porn? It’s skanky.

Strap-on orgies? Kinky army nurses? It’s amazing what some guys find wank-worthy. His fantasy world is probably just an escape, says Levkoff, but if the nature of the images bothers you, say so: “Ask him why he wants to watch porn, but also ask yourself why you’re insecure about it.” Do you worry that you’re not enough for him? That he’s thinking about being unfaithful? Talk it out.

Can I fudge my online-dating profile?”

“People lie about their height, weight, and age in epidemic proportions,” says dating coach Evan Marc Katz, author of Why He Disappeared. “You’ll never see a 5’6” man online, for example; they’re always 5’9”. But I don’t condone it.” Given the way many dating sites are set up, however, Katz says it’s not terrible to shave your age from, say, 30 to 29 so your profile shows up in an “under 30” search. He just urges you to tell the truth in your longer profile. Adds Janelle, 32, of Atlanta, “If you fudge your info, you’re not just wasting other people’s time; you’re wasting yours.” When she met her husband online, he knew from the beginning that she was into cheesy eighties music, sarcasm, and sushi—and was an agnostic. “We got to skip that awkward ‘So, uh, do you go to church?’ conversation,” she says. “If you want a serious partner, you should be as honest as possible.” And especially when it comes to your picture, don’t mess around. “Using an old photo is misrepresenting yourself,” Katz says.

Should I tell my sex partner that I have HPV?”

Obviously yes if you have genital warts, but what about the kind of HPV that just shows up on an abnormal Pap? Still yes, doctors say. You owe it to your fellow women! “The first time you’re having sex with someone, you’re not thinking about his next partner,” points out Katharine O’Connell White, M.D., an assistant professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the Tufts University School of Medicine in Boston. “But he can pass it on to her, and this is the type of HPV that causes cervical cancer.” And don’t be embarrassed: With 80 percent of adults estimated to get HPV in their lives, “it really is the new normal,” says Dr. White. Have a low-key chat—before any clothes come off—and always travel with a condom.

Is it right to sleep with a guy who’s into me—but whom I’m not into?

This one gets a yes(ish). “Women are certainly entitled to have sex for the sake of having sex,” says Levkoff. “But you need to be thoughtful.” Just make it clear up front that you want to only be friends with benefits. Here’s how, says Amy Levine, a New York City-based sex coach: “During a casual conversation, tell him you’re not looking for a relationship right now; you’re all about having a good time and living in the moment.” He should pick up on the encoded “You’re not going to be my boyfriend, OK?” To be sure he does, continues Levine, “look him in the eye and say, ‘Are you cool with that?’” If he clearly gets it, game on. If he looks crushed, run, warns a 35-year-old reader from Huntington, New York. “I once had a fling turn into a Stage Five Clinger—sending flowers, showing up at my office. The only way to get rid of him was to be mean, which I hated. I can still see his face when I told him he wasn’t my type and never would be.”

What are the rules for setting up my friends?

Tread lightly here, says Stohr, who suggests reading Jane Austen’s Emma for some old-timey matchmaking mishaps (in a pinch, rent the Gwyneth movie version). Once you’ve helped your friends connect, your job is over. “Don’t share gossip, take sides, or run interference,” Stohr says. “Exerting too much influence is disrespectful and might damage your friendships.” Lucy, 33, of New York City, who has set up several friends, never breaks this rule: “I only share nice details about the other,” she says. “They can find out the rest from there.”

http://living.msn.com/love-relationships/love-sex/the-dos-and-donts-of-sex-in-2012?ocid=todlf11#1

I been meaning to say those "questions" are intriging. Some are depending on who your with like porn.