Per Executive Order, NASA will stay home from now on

TheVat

TheVat

Valued Senior Member
(AP) - The president, following a 158th viewing of the 2013 film "Gravity," was briefly distracted from his usual routine of contemplating (and commenting on to staff) the firmness of Sandra Bullock's derriere by the scene which depicts the onset of a destructive ablation cascade. While it's unclear what drew the president's attention on this particular viewing, it became quickly apparent to the NASA officials and space tech billionaires who were summoned to an emergency meeting that he has now realized the genuine threat which Kessler Syndrome

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kessler_syndrome

poses to America's future in space. Consulting with a team of experts which included his hairdresser, a former golf caddy, and a YouTube professor known for his research into rains of toads, the president concluded that the country's best option is, in the president's words, "just don't go too far up there." To that end, he has directed NASA and conmercial space companies to shift their focus to suborbital passenger flights which will be as he put it, "so amazing, you will go so fast you can leave New York and be in Tokyo in thirty minutes, and it will fix our air travel problems with the greatest rocket network in history!" NASA is also directed to begin developing suborbital satellites, a concept which has caused some confusion and criticism from space flight engineers and scientists. Press Secretary Katherine Leavitt, questioned about how such satellites could work, dismissed the critical comments as "symptomatic of the decline of imagination among overpaid eggheads who fail to appreciate the president's visionary approach."

A Democratic Senator, Bob Goddard IV from Massachusetts, suggested that the president's notion of "just don't go too far up there," might better serve as sound advice regarding a part of the president's anatomy. The Senator is currently en route to Guantanamo Bay for what the White House described as "protective sequestration" and a "brief time-out where he can think about being respectful."
 
TheVat said:
(AP) - The president, following a 158th viewing of the 2013 film "Gravity," was briefly distracted from his usual routine of contemplating (and commenting on to staff) the firmness of Sandra Bullock's derriere by the scene which depicts the onset of a destructive ablation cascade. While it's unclear what drew the president's attention on this particular viewing, it became quickly apparent to the NASA officials and space tech billionaires who were summoned to an emergency meeting that he has now realized the genuine threat which Kessler Syndrome

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kessler_syndrome

poses to America's future in space. Consulting with a team of experts which included his hairdresser, a former golf caddy, and a YouTube professor known for his research into rains of toads, the president concluded that the country's best option is, in the president's words, "just don't go too far up there." To that end, he has directed NASA and conmercial space companies to shift their focus to suborbital passenger flights which will be as he put it, "so amazing, you will go so fast you can leave New York and be in Tokyo in thirty minutes, and it will fix our air travel problems with the greatest rocket network in history!" NASA is also directed to begin developing suborbital satellites, a concept which has caused some confusion and criticism from space flight engineers and scientists. Press Secretary Katherine Leavitt, questioned about how such satellites could work, dismissed the critical comments as "symptomatic of the decline of imagination among overpaid eggheads who fail to appreciate the president's visionary approach."

A Democratic Senator, Bob Goddard IV from Massachusetts, suggested that the president's notion of "just don't go too far up there," might better serve as sound advice regarding a part of the president's anatomy. The Senator is currently en route to Guantanamo Bay for what the White House described as "protective sequestration" and a "brief time-out where he can think about being respectful."
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You jest (very imaginatively, I must say), but things have got to such a state that I had to read it twice to be sure. :eek:

Suborbital satellites is a particularly nice touch.
 
exchemist said:
You jest (very imaginatively, I must say), but things have got to such a state that I had to read it twice to be sure.
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Ha, yes, I usually try to add a couple hints of unreality to such poissons d'Avril - in this case, the Senator sent directly to detention at Guantanamo and his name, which is a little wink to space travel enthusiasts. Though, on further reflection, maybe the bit about Guantanamo is less of a stretch than it used to be.

As for the many viewings of "Gravity," I can't say for sure but that movie might be a trifle too cerebral for Turnip, Ms Bullocks gravity-defying bod notwithstanding.


Pinball1970 said:
A fine line between bat shit stuff he says, and making up bat shit stuff he could say.
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Given the hypothetical UV light inserted up a hypothetical bum (during his Covid rambles), it is difficult to know where that line might be. Maybe send a hospital ship to Greenland to find it?
 
For me, the penny started to drop at “golf caddy” and fully dropped with “suborbital satellites”
 
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exchemist said:
... I had to read it twice to be sure. :eek:
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Read it twice? I read it twice and still wasn't convinced one way or the other - 'til I Googled some of the text, with no results (naturally).

I have something akin to a "Turnip Overton Window" with regard to what doesn't surprise me coming out of his / this administration's mouth.

Admittedly, this would have shifted it a bit further towards outer space, but not much. That "window" is already more like a "skylight."
 
foghorn said:
For me, the penny started to drop at “golf caddy” and fully dropped by “suborbital satellites”
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It's common knowledge that Turnip believes suborbital to be a sedative, similar to phenobarbital.

BTW, the US has officially gotten rid of the penny, so we now wait for a nickel to drop. (As of November 2025, businesses are directed to round all transactions to the nearest .05 or .10.)
 
Moderator note: To be clear, in case any readers are confused, the opening post is a joke. Fake news posted in April Fools Day.
 
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