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slotty

Colostomy-its not my bag
Registered Senior Member
Well i have permission of a member of sciforums to tell you this tale of woe. The member, who shall remain "The .FL.... was out on a date trying to impress a young lady with his charm and wit. Apparently the date was going fine, and our hero was regailing the young lady with his massive repertoire of jokes from the " most offensive jokes" thread down in the cesspool. At one stage he says: "Whats blue,18 inches long, and does'nt fit properly?" Blank look from the girl, " A dead epilectic" .He's rolling around laughing and she erupts into floods of tears. Her brother died of an epilectic fit about six months ago. And yes, the blow job was out of the question. I know i should'nt laugh, but i could'nt help it. :D

So lets have some stories where you wished the ground would open up and swallow you up. I have one that is far worse than the Flemsters (oops)above.
 
One of my friend did it too with a girl : she was crying (that was because of beers, not ours!) and my friend said "don't cry, you will see your mother soon!" (it's an usual sentence used as a joke). Bad joke : she was dead one year ago and she had problems with her father... What a good way to eliminate all beer effects!!!
 
I was chatting a girl up, and getting on great. I asked where and what she was going to study at uni, and she replied " I'm going to Cambridge to study latin and greek " . I said "Sod that, i did 5 years of latin,that was enough for me!" and then said as the beer was kicking in nicely, "Mind you the guy who used to teach me (latin) was up his ladder cleaning his window's , fell off , and broke his neck! hahahahahahah" . There was a stony silence. She then replied, "I don't find that particually amusing, that happened to be my father"
Of course the blow job was out of the question. :D
 
I was walking back to my res with a friend late one night and there was a girl I roughly know walking ahead of us who's like 5'2, 170lbs, bright red hair and wears far, far, far too much make up. Anyway, I see her turn into her res so I say to my friend "Isn't it a shame when fat ugly girls try and look good and wear a disgusting amount of make up?". At which point I turned to my side and noticed the girl was still standing with the door open waiting for a friend of hers.

The blowjob was out of the quesiton long before this, though more as a personal choice.
 
OK mine doesn't involve blow jobs but I still blush and get stomach pains just thinking about it.

I had a female friend named R. She's a bit fat, not exactly the intellectual type so to speak, and can be a bit puerile sometimes, but I think she's really nice and special. So I tried to hook her up with my friend Joe, whom I thought would love her. I sent her an e-mail asking her if she'd be willing to meet him. She said yes, and added some witty remarks. So I decided to forward these remarks to Joe, along with my caveat that she's "she's a bit fat, not exactly the intellectual type so to speak, and can be a bit puerile sometimes," but that I thought she was really nice.

So I sent off the bloody e-mail to Joe... except it wasn't to Joe. I had accidentally hit the "reply" button instead of "forward" before I added my notes, and I sent it off to R, with the fat comments and all. As soon as I sent it, my blood went cold because it struck me that I might have sent it to R... When I checked my "Sent" box, I just about collapsed. I got an e-mail from her a few hours later saying "thanks for all the encouragement, but no thanks". I'm still dying over it -- not so much over my own embarassment, but the f*cking awful pain she must have felt. OK, I'm off to get a drink...
 
Lol :D Brilliant chaps . I felt myself cringe for the pair of you .Keep 'em coming!
 
I was on MSN and my friend's like do you know so-and-so's sister?
And I'm like yeah, she's a total slut. I heard she self-aborted by ODing. (many bad things said later I wrapped up) Yeah, I wouldn't touch her with a 10 foot pole.

And my friend says,
well she's sitting right here.

And like a week later, I end up at a party with her. Luckily I just got drunk and incoherent as fast as I could.
 
:D lol I think i will like this thread a lot! Why have we been banished to the cesspool? Actually, i think this is the first time i've had a thread sent to the cesspool. :D
 
At my friends batuleur party one guy says "aww I think I might go before the stripper comes" then I said "why? are you scared of vaginas? haha" and then he ran away crying and one of my friends says "you idiot, he has vaginaphobia" and then there was like a 5 second silence and then we all started laughing.
 
That's not a true story, Doctor, and ya know it. :p There's no such thing as vaginaphobia. :rolleyes:

Yay for you, slotty! The thread has been rescued!
 
Oh and thanks whoever put this thread back. Slotty is happy now( where do i send the money?)
 
like an embarassing moment? Like the time i had to read my student counsel election speech in front of 1500 people, and had to tell everyone of them, live, that i had lost it somewhere and was going to imporvise? :m:
 
hotsexyangelprincess said:
like an embarassing moment? Like the time i had to read my student counsel election speech in front of 1500 people, and had to tell everyone of them, live, that i had lost it somewhere and was going to imporvise? :m:
Click to expand...

With a name like yours, i would expect loads of rattling skeletons ;)
 
Right, this is true. It happened to a mate of mine called Dave. He had copped off with this girl and its all going great. He is invited back to her house for Sunday lunch and to meet her mummy and daddy, brothers and sisters. During the lunch he requies to use the bog (toilet). So begins Dave's sunday lunch from hell. He told me he was in the bog having a crap, finished , and flushed the bog. Horror of horrors ! he had a flaky floater! it had'nt flushed away. He had to wait untill the cistern filled up again before flushing again. Oh dear, its still floating in the bog.Again he has to wait ,and again it wont flush. He told me that after the FIFTH time, he was getting a little frantic, remember his sunday lunch is on the table getting colder surrounded by folks he has never met before. He told me that he was stressing because he had been up in the bog for about 10 mins by now and realised that his crap was not going to go away in the conventional sense. So driven by desparation and embarrassment, he drops his trousers takes off his underpants, and yes , scoops the offending turd out of the bog encased in Dave's pants. Now this has solved the floating problem, but our hero now has a handfull of turd and shitty pants. What does he do? Well you now the glass in bathroom windows is that patterned stuff, well this was Dave's downfall.Dave hurled the contents of his hand out of the window. He was now full of relief and went down the stairs satisfied of a job well done. He sat back down to finish his meal and noticed that there was a new guest at the table , who was introduced as his girlfriends big brother. All he noticed was that big brother kept just staring at him. Anyway the meal finished and like most of us guys who have to meet the folks for the first time enough is enough, so he thanks them for the meal, says goodbye to everyone there, but still notices that big bro just keeps staring at him.Dave arranges when and where to meet on his next date with his girlfriend , kisses her goodbye, turns around and walks away.He then understands what the funny looks were about.When disposing of his handfull of shitty pants, he had'nt realised that big bro had just pulled up the drive in his car, and as he had parked, the shitty pants had landed on his windscreen! He told me he never heard from the chick again. :D

I asked him what he was gonna do with the pants, he said he was going to pick them up on his way out and throw them in the bushes. Brilliant story i reckon, and honestly its true. The poor sod (Dave) is quite a shy guy, and we got this story out of him when we were all pissed :D
 
pixel said:
Hey. Did somebody delete my post?

It said " :rolleyes: ". What -- somebody didn't like that?

:rolleyes:
Click to expand...

That exact same thing happened to me . . . I mean literally. It also said ":rolleyes:". Prolly Porf or goofyfish.
 
um... well there was that time last week when i got athelwulf to pretend to stalk my friend on msn, she was totally freaking out, it took 2 days before she wolud talk to me again after she found out i set it up.

it wsa hell convincing, me and another friend were feeding him info, but wat really got her was when athelwulf sent a pic or her. shes like: OMFG how did he get a pic of me
 
I was talking to this fat chick and her not so pretty and also slightly fat friend of hers in the queue in front of a night club. It was going quite well. I think they were entertained. Didn't really want to pick them up of course, but it is boring just to stand in a queue and do nothing. Finally managed to get in the night club and went straight to the bar to order a drink. I said to my friend something like; 'that went quite well chatting to these girls, shame they were so fat.' My friend subsequently urged me to keep my voice down. Why? well obviously they were standing right behind me.

happens a lot to me. That I am saying something not so nice about someone and they are standing right behind me...must be a new law of physics...This example was just the last time it happened.
 
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