Non trusting "mother figure"

F

Frisbinator

Registered Senior Member
Alright folks, I need some advice.

Last night, this girl I really like, was over at this ladie's house, this lady who is 31 years old and considers the girl I really like "her daughter" kinda.

So, anyway, they invited me over and everything started out cool enough, even though this lady was pretty drunk. Anyway, After the movie, me and this girl I like were sort of snuggling on the couch, and this lady begins to get extremely accusatory and aggresive w/ me. A couple of specific examples are thus:

She asks me "WHY do you feel love for her? If you REALLY felt love for her, you should be able to give me ten things, right away, off the top of your head. WHAT? Her eyes? You can't say physical things, NO. WHAT? Do you realize how that sounds? Because you're always thinking about her? Do you realize how that sounds?? Guys have trouble talking about their emotions? That is BULLSHIT. My husband could tell me RIGHT NOW 50 things if I asked him! NO! You are not looking at me in the eye! You are not being honest, because you are not looking at me in my eyes!"

And when I told her that I was majoring in mathematics, she's all "You told me something else earlier! I just caught you in a lie! There is no mathematics degree! NO NO NO, I am going to hit you, there is no mathematics degree! See, I just caught you in a lie! NO! I don't care if you'll swear on a bible, I caught you in a lie!"
Which was completely wrong, both me and the girl I like (who was present of course during all this) totally agree, we don't even know what she was talking about.

Anyway, I obviously told her that I really was feeling attacked and hurt by her critisicm and her inability to trust me, because I am an honest person. She simply claimed that she was not attacking me, but she really was. Her eyes reminded me of some kind of a snarling primates eyes.

Well, in the end, she finally goes "I think that you need to leave now." And of course I'm like "ok.." and that was it, but she was really pissed for some reason.

Anyway, how can I handle someone like that? I mean, I know that she is full of good intentions, and is simply trying to "protect the girl who she considers her daughter" and I'm just assuming that maybe this lady hooked up w/ some scuzzbag guys in her past and thus wants to protect her "imaginary daughter".

Do you all have any suggestions tho', on what I could say to kind of gain this ladie's trust?
(That is, if I ever see her again, I really really tried to handle the way she was talking to me as smooth as possible and feel like I acted like a gentleman...)

A little bit of info: The girl I like is a lot younger than me. The lady was intoxicated, and she was 31 years old. (And she got really annoyed when I guessed her age at 32. -sigh- lol)

Any advice you got would be really helpful, cause this really bothered me, thanks folks!
 
Question: Does this girl you are seeing, have any real parent figures?

My reply thus far. This lady was drunk. What else can you do about it? There really is no proper way to deal with someone who has been drinking.

Not much you honestly can do.
 
Or mabey she has mental problems where seeing 2 poeple in love, bugs the living hell out of her.

It could be anything.... I personaly wouldn't think twice about it.
 
Frisbinator said:
Alright folks, I need some advice.

Last night, this girl I really like, was over at this ladie's house, this lady who is 31 years old and considers the girl I really like "her daughter" kinda.

So, anyway, they invited me over and everything started out cool enough, even though this lady was pretty drunk. Anyway, After the movie, me and this girl I like were sort of snuggling on the couch, and this lady begins to get extremely accusatory and aggresive w/ me. A couple of specific examples are thus:

She asks me "WHY do you feel love for her? If you REALLY felt love for her, you should be able to give me ten things, right away, off the top of your head. WHAT? Her eyes? You can't say physical things, NO. WHAT? Do you realize how that sounds? Because you're always thinking about her? Do you realize how that sounds?? Guys have trouble talking about their emotions? That is BULLSHIT. My husband could tell me RIGHT NOW 50 things if I asked him! NO! You are not looking at me in the eye! You are not being honest, because you are not looking at me in my eyes!"

And when I told her that I was majoring in mathematics, she's all "You told me something else earlier! I just caught you in a lie! There is no mathematics degree! NO NO NO, I am going to hit you, there is no mathematics degree! See, I just caught you in a lie! NO! I don't care if you'll swear on a bible, I caught you in a lie!"
Which was completely wrong, both me and the girl I like (who was present of course during all this) totally agree, we don't even know what she was talking about.

Anyway, I obviously told her that I really was feeling attacked and hurt by her critisicm and her inability to trust me, because I am an honest person. She simply claimed that she was not attacking me, but she really was. Her eyes reminded me of some kind of a snarling primates eyes.

Well, in the end, she finally goes "I think that you need to leave now." And of course I'm like "ok.." and that was it, but she was really pissed for some reason.

Anyway, how can I handle someone like that? I mean, I know that she is full of good intentions, and is simply trying to "protect the girl who she considers her daughter" and I'm just assuming that maybe this lady hooked up w/ some scuzzbag guys in her past and thus wants to protect her "imaginary daughter".

Do you all have any suggestions tho', on what I could say to kind of gain this ladie's trust?
(That is, if I ever see her again, I really really tried to handle the way she was talking to me as smooth as possible and feel like I acted like a gentleman...)

A little bit of info: The girl I like is a lot younger than me. The lady was intoxicated, and she was 31 years old. (And she got really annoyed when I guessed her age at 32. -sigh- lol)

Any advice you got would be really helpful, cause this really bothered me, thanks folks!
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See the chick outside of her house that way you won't have to put up with the nonsense of the "mother". Just call her and ask her out to a movie or dinner then just go and pick her up.
 
If you try and dodge the gatekeeper, you will be barred from this girls affections whether you like it or not. The girl sees this woman as a mother figure and therefore secretly likes the fact that she has a protector although she would never admit that to you.
The girl wants you to defeat the monster that keeps her in the tower but you have to remember that she also has come to rely on that monster for protection. This is the stuff of fairy tales and I think you are in a very blessed position.
You have to DEMONSTRATE your will is good for this girl through your ACTIONS. You have to prove to the monster that you can protect this girl better than they can.
Attacking the monster will only lead to your seperation. You have to appease the monster.
Your girl needs rescuing. Are you man enough?

peace

c20
 
c20H25N3o said:
If you try and dodge the gatekeeper, you will be barred from this girl's affections whether you like it or not. The girl sees this woman as a mother figure and therefore secretly likes the fact that she has a protector although she would never admit that to you. The girl wants you to defeat the monster that keeps her in the tower but you have to remember that she also has come to rely on that monster for protection. This is the stuff of fairy tales and I think you are in a very blessed position. You have to DEMONSTRATE your will is good for this girl through your ACTIONS. You have to prove to the monster that you can protect this girl better than they can. Attacking the monster will only lead to your seperation. You have to appease the monster. Your girl needs rescuing. Are you man enough?
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I like everything you said, but I wonder how the poor guy is going to act upon it. You urge him to both appease the monster and rescue the girl from it. Given that the monster is a particularly nasty alcoholic, that's a tall double-order.

It's the mother-figure herself who needs rescuing, from her addiction, and that's not something an outsider can do. Unless he can shove a burning spliff in her mouth when she wakes up in the morning and break the cycle of hangover-get-drunk-again.

Here's my two bits: It's often just flat impossible to both heal someone and wind up with them as your lover. In Western medicine, there's a formal taboo against a healer treating his own loved ones except in a dire emergency, and for good reason.

If you (sorry, I turned to Camera Two here) want to help the girl, you'll probably have to stop being romantic with her. That might appease the monster, giving you time and peace in which to help the girl sort out the reason that she tolerates such abuse.

If you can't do that because you love her too much, you'll have to let her find another healer. Perhaps you can get her into Al-a-Teen.

I'd hate to be the first elder to pass this lesson on to you, but if I am, then you need it so bad I'll just have to. It's one of life's saddest and hardest lessons:

Sometimes you just don't get to help the people you want to help.
 
All he has to do is be understanding of the monster. really listen intently to what she is saying not showing any flicker of emotion. he should be able to discern the underlying cause of her agression if he listens carefully enough. The simple act of genuinly understanding where someone is coming from actually opens them up and heals them of their feelings of unforgiveness in a certain area. In this he appeases the monster and subdues it, allowing the monster to see with reasonable mother's eyes in the process. He should of course respect the girl too for the mother only wants for her daughter what she wants for herself and that thing was the thing she finds hard to forgive as I guess she was disrespected herself in some way. She has lost faith essentially which is why she feels drink numbs the pain of that. The chap here could spend a little time with the monster feeling his way into her affections and then be blessed in a respectful relationship with her daughter. It is possible.

peace

c20

EDIT: If the daughter sees her suitor being responsible towards her mother figure and helping her mother whom she loves, then she will receive a picture of how he will love her in future times. This would be of great benefit to the daughter in so many ways not least of all because once her hurt was healed through his patience the mother figure will likely stop drinking and be much more personable and supportive of them both I feel.
 
The womans a nut.
Next time she starts on you, tell her to fuck off.

You don't have to take that shit unless you want to.
Dee Cee
 
Well gee, there you've got two pieces of advice that are about as diametrically opposed as they could possibly be! That ought to just about be the end of this thread!
 
c20H25N3o said:
All he has to do is be understanding of the monster. really listen intently to what she is saying not showing any flicker of emotion. he should be able to discern the underlying cause of her agression if he listens carefully enough. The simple act of genuinly understanding where someone is coming from actually opens them up and heals them of their feelings of unforgiveness in a certain area. In this he appeases the monster and subdues it, allowing the monster to see with reasonable mother's eyes in the process. He should of course respect the girl too for the mother only wants for her daughter what she wants for herself and that thing was the thing she finds hard to forgive as I guess she was disrespected herself in some way. She has lost faith essentially which is why she feels drink numbs the pain of that. The chap here could spend a little time with the monster feeling his way into her affections and then be blessed in a respectful relationship with her daughter. It is possible.

peace

c20

EDIT: If the daughter sees her suitor being responsible towards her mother figure and helping her mother whom she loves, then she will receive a picture of how he will love her in future times. This would be of great benefit to the daughter in so many ways not least of all because once her hurt was healed through his patience the mother figure will likely stop drinking and be much more personable and supportive of them both I feel.
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I'm sorry c20, but it cant be done, a drunk is'nt rational, you could be doing all the right things, and they will still attack you. I've been there, I've lived with one.
and they never stop drinking for anybody else, but themselves.

how I see it is she was jealous of the affection, he was giving the young girl,
and took out her frustration on him.
the only way to avoid the problem recuring is to leave as soon as you feel she has had enough drink, and mark my words a drunks personality completely changes, and it only take a couple of shots.( it's a case of looking into the demons eyes, you have'nt seen nasty until you look into the eyes of somone under the influence.)
 
audible said:
I'm sorry c20, but it cant be done, a drunk is'nt rational, you could be doing all the right things, and they will still attack you. I've been there, I've lived with one.
and they never stop drinking for anybody else, but themselves.

how I see it is she was jealous of the affection, he was giving the young girl,
and took out her frustration on him.
the only way to avoid the problem recuring is to leave as soon as you feel she has had enough drink, and mark my words a drunks personality completely changes, and it only take a couple of shots.( it's a case of looking into the demons eyes, you have'nt seen nasty until you look into the eyes of somone under the influence.)
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Love is so powerful. Never underestimate it's power. Ever!

peace

c20
 
We don't know from this narrative very much do we.
A drunk?
A gatekeeper?
This sounds like a halloween party with an ingracious hostess, well into her cups.
What does your girlfriend say?
Is she of legal age?
As you suggest, you don't have to ever see her again.
If she is a person you must deal with because it is important to your intended, invite the 'monster' and hubby to a lunch at a resturant. Meet them there. You and your lady arrive from a fun event(feeding the park ducks) and schedule a movie or play right after this lunch. Hopefully you have some skill at communication. Do not bring up the event in question. Just a light hearted, ice breaking affair in the middle of a romantic day. If she even remembers the previous conversation she should be loathe to bring it up.

If your intended is intent to fawn over the monsters jealousies, why are you interested?
 
c20H25N3o said:
Love is so powerful. Never underestimate it's power. Ever!

peace

c20
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having read audibles post I can only concur with him, I told you about my mother before.
but you sir are an idiot, love does not beat all.
you seem to be the type of person, who'd send people in against, rifles holding bibles.
you cannot defeat the irrational, with rationality.
 
Audible makes some sense, but not all drunks are the same. Some drunks are mean. Some drunks are lovey dovey. Some are indifferent.

But, it does sound like the drunk bitch in question is a mean drunk.
 
invert_nexus said:
But, it does sound like the drunk bitch in question is a mean drunk.
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Drunk or not it seems her protectiveness of her daughter is justified. If you can show no love to this woman who would fiercly protect her daughter then how can you love the daughter? You must just be thinking of your own gratification!
Prove me wrong by all means.

peace

c20
 
Drunk or not it seems her protectiveness of her daughter is justified.
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No. Not her daughter. Some young thing that she has attached herself to. I've seen this before. The older draws sustenance from the younger. Living vicariously through here. Gaining validation by offering advice to the young thing. But, it almost always falls apart and from the sounds of dude's experience, it sounds like it's getting to the point where it's going to collapse and she will show her true spots.

Jealous and insecure.
 
Invert_Nexus

I just think it's an opportunity for the guy to show what a nice guy he is through patience and kindness, not just to the woman (who is only 31 btw) but in doing so, he shows his mettle to the girl also. Just cos this woman was drunk it doesnt mean to say she is always a drunk - I think the judgement against her has been a little harsh given the evidence presented here. The girl is obviously happy to take her boyfriend round the woman's house so she must trust the woman. The girl was probably shocked at the woman's reaction and was embaressed for her boyfriend which is why she was allied to him when he showed his displeasure at the scene.
I would be interested in an update from the original poster to see where this went.

cheers

c20 :m:
 
Ask the " mother " if she likes sex and travel, when she says yes ,tell her to "fuck off then"
 
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