I'm stressing over teenage son....

S

shorty_37

Go! Canada Go!
Registered Senior Member
I have been getting somewhat stressed out lately.

I am having a bit of a hard time dealing with my almost 13 yr old son and the transition from boy to young man. He is interested in girls and them in him and is spending quite a bit of time talking with one in particular lately.

Last night he told me he was going to get his skateboard from his friends house around 8:30 pm, but I had that gut feeling that he wasn't really going to do that. At 9pm I called over to the friend's house but he wasn't there and had not been there since school.
When he got home I asked again where he went and he is NOT a good liar (thank god for that) and was kinda shaky with his answer.
Then he told me he went to see his other friend (the girl) and help her deliver newspapers.
I said why did you lie then? If you lie to me about where you are going or what you are doing I can't trust you. If you lie to me then I figure you are up to no good. He said that he thought I wouldn't let him go.........and I said whatever you didn't even ask me so don't assume what I would have said. Anyway he is grounded for the rest of this week and banned from the computer (MSN Messenger)

Now this morning I wonder if he lied because he knows that I am not comfortable with him and this whole girls thing, and he just didn't want to tell me...:shrug:

She was over at the house the other night for a few hours and his other friends (male) are always coming around. So I am not this mean mother who doesn't permit his friends over.

I am really having a hard time, but I have released the purse strings and given him more freedom each year, but not too much that he can do whatever he wants at this age.

I am really not comfortable with this whole girl thing if it is leading or has lead to anything sexual. (crosses fingers it hasn't) I honestly think he is too young to get into anything like that. I don't think he is old enough for that kind of thing and honestly I am not ready to deal with it yet. A few weeks ago I had another gut feeling he was up to something and checked the computer after he went outside. He did searches for girls in thongs, and my stomach sank when I brought up the sites. I told him I didn't think it was appropriate, when he was supposed to be doing his homework. He told me that his friend on MSN told him to go to the sites. :rolleyes:

I know I will have to deal with it and knew this time in his life was coming but I am stressing out about it lately. I know that I can't control what he does when he leaves this house and I have to hope that he makes the right choices from how I have brought him up.

He is a good kid and helps around the house, does chores and stuff with not too much resistance. His grades are ok now, they used to be a lot better before he went to middle school and friends became his top priority. I know he can do much better, and get on his case sometimes but don't make a huge deal about it. He is pretty responsible with things I ask him to. He didn't use to lie and that is becoming more of a habit lately. :(

The one thing about him is, he is a bit of a follower which worries me. He is one of the " Cool Kids" and hangs with the "Cool Crowd" and is very popular at school. He does things sometimes that his friends want him to do which gets him in trouble with me, and we go back to our talk about using your own brain and not following what other people say or do.


I would appreciate your thoughts on the situation..........especially if you have been through this already or are going through it now yourselves.

Thanks
 
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Shorty
How's the communication in the house? Are you married? I have a 14 year old daughter so we are in similar territory. It's a TOUGH and worrisome time, I KNOW.

When I get just a little more info from you, I will respond a bit more. I am no expert, but I have some decent suggestions nonetheless.

PS. Is that your real photo in your avatar?
 
Suppressing key sexual facts is only going to make them more curious. If you are concerned. Approach him privately, or get his father for some manly talk, and explain the "facts of life".

Trust me, Its better than the parents saying nothing, and ignoring the fact that their boy is now a man, only to realise that when he's wasted and depressed over some pregnancy with a girl, that they should have done something earlier.

AS for the lying. No avoiding it. You can let him get away with small lies, such as homework, but let him know that when push comes to shove, there is no one he can rely on but his parents, and he shouldn't lie on serious issues.

The key here is not to micromanage, but to ensure that your child can come to you if anything serious happens. There isn't much you can do to prevent him forming relationships, besides give him condoms to avoid unwarranted incidents, but I'd wait till 15-16 to do that.
 
Hi Electra....

I think the communication is pretty good, but I think I am not comfortable with this change happening so soon and everyone can sense it. Other then this situation occuring everything else is great. We joke around here a lot and have fun, but I also expect them to follow rules and help out which they do. I also have an 8 yr old son, I wish I could freeze at his age. lol

Divorced but in a long term relationship (living together) for almost 7 yrs now. They still have a good relationship with their dad and see him regularly.

Yes that is me in the avatar....why?

Btw: Are you a mom or dad?
 
Challenger78 said:
Suppressing key sexual facts is only going to make them more curious. If you are concerned. Approach him privately, or get his father for some manly talk, and explain the "facts of life".

Trust me, Its better than the parents saying nothing, and ignoring the fact that their boy is now a man, only to realise that when he's wasted and depressed over some pregnancy with a girl, that they should have done something earlier.

AS for the lying. No avoiding it. You can let him get away with small lies, such as homework, but let him know that when push comes to shove, there is no one he can rely on but his parents, and he shouldn't lie on serious issues.

The key here is not to micromanage, but to ensure that your child can come to you if anything serious happens. There isn't much you can do to prevent him forming relationships, besides give him condoms to avoid unwarranted incidents, but I'd wait till 15-16 to do that.
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I know I look back to how my parents handled things with me. I NEVER got the "talk" My mom said " I better not find out you are having sex or you are a dead duck" My dad never said a peep about anything having to do with that. That was basically my talk....:bugeye:

I don't want to be like that....but I am having a real hard time talking about it in depth with him. I talked to his father and I think he has spoken with him about it, but I feel like since he lives with me I should be having a talk with him too. I have told him I think he is too young, to be getting involved with G/F and that I do not want him to mess up his life or make me a grandmother anytime soon. But I have not gotten into the nitty gritty of it all. I just don't seem to able to go there yet..:(

As for the lying, I agree stupid little lies about homework are a bit different then lying about where you are going and doing. He was pretty upset when I caught him in the lie last night and just kept saying he was sorry, to everything I said. I can see that he is upset just for disappointing me, but I did take the computer and ground him the rest of the week.

I keep telling him that over and over, that his family are the only ones who really love him and will be there for him no matter what. Friends come and go and they won't be there if the shit goes down the tubes, they are going to be out to protect themselves. I really don't think that is truly sinking in though.

I can't even imagine giving him condoms at this age....OMG that just makes my stomach sink thinking about it. :eek:

So do you think it is ok at 13 to form a girlfriend type relationship as long as there is no sex?
 
sometimes it is better that young kids learn about a fairly serious relationship at around that age. at least learn how to have one and what is involved.

some problems that can occur:

sometimes two people can be just a bad combination and one makes the other worse. it is best to try and get to know the person your child is involved with.

if you can establish that they are actually good for each other then just give them some freedom. tbh, from personal experience most of the serious relationships i recall from hs either turned out very good or were fairly inconsequential. the thing is that a relationship takes their minds of hanging out with friends too much and getting into trouble because there is an alternative.

of course this is just an opinion.
 
I have two 13yos but our situation is quite different.
I will have to take this from the perspective of my childhood where I basically raised myself from twelve on. I WAS having sex at 13. Also, drinking, smoking, drugging, stealing, fighting and vandalizing. That's what survival among even the "popular" kids required.
I know many school systems aren't like the one I went to but looking back it gives me a unique perspective.

There's a few issues here.


We'll take the one it seemed you expressed the most concern about: Sex.

Do you ever talk about it with him? How often?

Since he goes to public school he's probably known about sex since he was six or seven and also thinks he knows how to prevent any un wanted circumstances. Sadly, many children have good intentions to use such measures but fail miserably in the heat of the moment.

A potentially more troubling issue to me would be a willingness to lie and place the blame on his "friends". Though common for this age, it's something that really needs to be addressed. Some people never grow out of it and it cost them every good relationship they ever have, especially if they get to the point where they actually start believing their own lies and that everyone else is to blame for their problems.
 
Hey Shorty, no girl is ever good enough for mom's boys.
 
Shorty:
First thing to do is kill all the friends he is hanging out with including that little slut. Then beat him senseless and tell him that if he continues to misbehave that he will end up like the others!
 
(Q) said:
Hey Shorty, no girl is ever good enough for mom's boys.
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Hey Q ....How are ya

Well I am not even basing anything on if the girls are good enough or not.
I am just trying to handle that their are girls around at all. ;)

This all started last yr when he apparently had a G/F that was in grade 8 and he was only in grade 6. That made my stomach sink when I heard about that one. She moved on to highschool and there is no mention of her anymore...Wheeeewwww.
Now there is this new girl that he spends every waking spare moment talking to on MSN when he is at home. Last night he lied and I found out he went out to see her. I am so stressed out today about the lying that he has started and the whole girlfriend ...sex whatever they are up to going on.

He knows I won't stand for the lying and that is why he is grounded, not because he went to see the girl.

I am sort of blaming myself here for not being as open about this whole thing and maybe that is why he lied to me. :shrug: I am just not comfortable with these changes yet.....How the hell do I get over that?
 
shorty_37 said:
Hi Electra....

I think the communication is pretty good, but I think I am not comfortable with this change happening so soon and everyone can sense it. Other then this situation occuring everything else is great. We joke around here a lot and have fun, but I also expect them to follow rules and help out which they do. I also have an 8 yr old son, I wish I could freeze at his age. lol

Divorced but in a long term relationship (living together) for almost 7 yrs now. They still have a good relationship with their dad and see him regularly.

Yes that is me in the avatar....why?

Btw: Are you a mom or dad?
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Well, first off, I'm sure glad someone else on this forum has the integrity to use their real picture in their avatar!

I'm a Dad, and therefore because my daughter's 14, I'm also the greatest embarrassment on the planet! (to her anyways) :shrug:

Honestly, this is such a BIZARRE time for...us parents! Forgettabout them kids..what about us? I'm traumatized!

I mean, one moment I'm my daughters biggest and most undefeatable hero, and now, I'm that guy at a minimum of fifty feet away from her at the mall.:(

Actually, all BS aside...YOU ARE HOT!!! You do know that all your son's friends are fantasizing about you, right? :eek:

Seriously, people can spout all the neo "this week's" psychological flavor of the month routine, but truthfully, when it comes to an adolescent teenage son or daughter, there is NO substitute for male on male, female on female council.

Shorty, if wasn't for me being married to one of the finest human beings on the planet, I would be LOST right about now.

I am a pretty "hip/cool" human being. Having been a musician pretty much my whole life and coming up through a very subversive (culturally speaking) adulthood, I KNOW what's what. I also know what I would NEVER want my child to experience that I have personally experienced. That's why wife and I act as a team with respect to communication. It's perfectly natural and normal for a maturing boy to shun mom, and a maturing girl to shun dad. Just like it's natural for them to be drawn to the opposing sex while they are in their very early years.

"M", my wife, has always been super active with my daughter. They go out of the country together (wife is from Poland and is US citizen), go to concerts & movies together, plan and actuate parties together, etc. Now admittedly my daughter still has a little of the "go away mom, I don't want you to embarrass me" thing going. But NOTHING like dear old dad and that's because of one thing that exists between my wife and daughter. That's specifically a level of confident girl's communication. If my daughter ever found out that my wife fully discloses what she shares with her, it'd be all over in a New York second. This works two ways. I can communicate and educate readily to my daughter through "M" and of course I am kept up to speed with the dating game and other developments.

Confidence is ultimately the most important aspect of ANY relationship.

I got a lot more but I got to get to work now...I'll be back.
 
shorty_37 said:
He knows I won't stand for the lying and that is why he is grounded, not because he went to see the girl.

I am sort of blaming myself here for not being as open about this whole thing and maybe that is why he lied to me. :shrug: I am just not comfortable with these changes yet.....How the hell do I get over that?
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He's 13 hun, he is going through puberty and interest in girls is more than expected. This one will come and go, and there will be plenty more behind her to take her place. You may even see a town bike, and other not so desirable girls come and go... but you have to take comfort in knowing that you raised him well and he will make mistakes but he's got a good set of core values. Talk to him about it, but don't push. He'll open up when he wants to, or when the first heartache comes in. And it will come in.

Look at the good points;
She delivers newspapers, so at least she has a job.
His friends like her too, and that's always a great sign. The girls who none of the friends liked were always the ones who were the worst.
He's a good kid. He'll make mistakes, but he's a good kid.
 
shorty_37 said:
Jeez Thanks.....I feel so much better now! ;)
:spank:
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that is a good point though. you (generally speaking-people) need to be accepting.

mom will say about son 'she is no good for him' if she is no good. if he is not the good one then they say 'he is just having fun';)
 
electrafixtion said:
I got a lot more but I got to get to work now...I'll be back.
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Ok....It is nice to hear that someone is in the same boat, and knows exactly what I am talking about. :)

I don't really get the, I am too embarrassed to be seen with you....YET
However when he sees me on the street or if I am coming out of the house and his friends are on the driveway playing basketball, he gives me a bit of the cold shoulder and a quick "hey mom". Definitely different then if his friends weren't around.

You are lucky that your wife can handle things as far as your daughter is concerned, makes life a little easier for you.

Has your daughter been expressing a lot of interest in boys or hanging out with them?

It seems that since my son is pretty popular the girls seem to gravitate towards him. Obviously from his perspective that is a great thing, not so much a good thing for me.

When he left for school today, things still weren't right between us and I have had a knot in my stomach ever since last night. :(

I don't know what age is good for kids to start getting into g/f b/f scenarios but I just think 12-13 is just too young.

Now if I look back to my childhood, I did things at 12, 13 that I wouldn't want him doing.

So is that just being hypocritical? I don't know I just can't help it.
 
shorty_37 said:
Ok....It is nice to hear that someone is in the same boat, and knows exactly what I am talking about. :)

I don't really get the, I am too embarrassed to be seen with you....YET
However when he sees me on the street or if I am coming out of the house and his friends are on the driveway playing basketball, he gives me a bit of the cold shoulder and a quick "hey mom". Definitely different then if his friends weren't around.
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Shorty
There is positively nothing more powerful or certain in nature, with respect to basic inherent animal/human being behavior, than the motherly instincts. Naturally moms have LOTS of emotions that go hand in hand with those instincts.

I know you are very intelligent, so I hope you will forgive some degree of lightheartedness on my part when I am communicating to you. I mean you no disrespect. I think as a slightly older than average parent (I'm roughly 10 years older than yourself) that I can state with some certainty that there is no escape from the turbulence that accompanies being a parent during those teenage times. The first thing you are going to HAVE to do is to stop doubting yourself and go with your instincts. You're the Mom and he's the Son. So when you get punitive on his bottom (figuratively) because he LIED to you, you stick to your motherly instincts and enforce that punishment to it's fullest and most complete execution. NO getting out of it early for good behavior or Mom's sentimentality.

Don't ever believe for a second that your son's mind is not capable of twice what you can imagine as his potential. Science is proving constantly that there is virtually no limit to the learning potential of the young mind. All you have to do is leave the United States to see kids fluently speaking several languages and understanding what many here don't understand on a college level at age 14. It's all about the educational expectancy picture that society paints for our children and not the actual level of comprehension and capability that the child possesses.

You will always love your children more than anything/one else, but the time comes to "teach the hunt", and that time is greeted with great obstinate resistance if you prove yourself wishy washy. The child will manipulate you over and over and over if they find out they can. I'm very guilty of this, I know. :) Dad is rarely ever embarrassing when daughter needs money for the latest Stephanie Meyer book.

That knot in your stomach must be replaced with a fierce determination to teach your child how to best survive. Even if that means upsetting them to the point of them expressing absolute disdain for your existence. Have rules and stick to them. If Dad (ex or partner) is not talking frank and straight with your son, you make certain you do. An EXCELLENT approach is the technique of implementing a mediator. A professional family counselor is typically very affordable. The point here is that you've been "tipped off" via your instincts that your son's safety is in jeopardy because you caught him being dishonest with you.

Follow your instincts to teach your son and help to ensure that he learns to avoid pitfalls based on unreliable communication with you.


You are lucky that your wife can handle things as far as your daughter is concerned, makes life a little easier for you.

Yes I am, but I will tell you straight up, it's far from easy sometimes because I REALLY miss that early Father/Daughter relationship up until she was about 10-11. I am telling you Shorty, please enjoy it while you still can.


Has your daughter been expressing a lot of interest in boys or hanging out with them?

Absolutely! She doesn't have a steady boyfriend or anything, but she goes to the movies, sking and has a party or two over at our house with girls and boys.

It seems that since my son is pretty popular the girls seem to gravitate towards him. Obviously from his perspective that is a great thing, not so much a good thing for me.
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It's better to come face to face with these things than to have them surprise you. In this sense, it's a GREAT thing for mom AND son. It also gives you a much better reason to talk straight with him about sex. Have you done that yet?


When he left for school today, things still weren't right between us and I have had a knot in my stomach ever since last night.

see above:


I don't know what age is good for kids to start getting into g/f b/f scenarios but I just think 12-13 is just too young.


I agree it's too young for anything steady, but I believe friends of both sexes are healthy and natural.

Now if I look back to my childhood, I did things at 12, 13 that I wouldn't want him doing.

So is that just being hypocritical? I don't know I just can't help it.
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Nope, not hypocritical at all. It's called "instinct" and there is no escape, nor would you ever want there to be. Think back. Did your parent/s talk STRAIGHT with you prior to you doing these things and did they possibly feel you were not capable of such actions at such a tender early age? ;)

Never underestimate your child's imagination or intelligence. Shoot, I can't even keep my dog from outsmarting me, let alone my child.

Rules are a MUST. If they get broke, children MUST get punished in a way that they lose something they miss dearly. Be that your immediate affections or their favorite this or that. Children must be taught to hunt and integrate. That, or it's them that we end up missing dearly.
 
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Seriously Shorty...you are over-controlling the man. What wrong with searching girls in thongs? geeese.
 
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