"DE-Enlightenment?" - A Beginner Experience with Meditation


Registered Senior Member
I know nothing.

There was a time I thought I knew a lot about everything. It all made sense and everything seemed to have a place. I thought I knew about the world around me and I thought I knew myself. Could I have been deluded all that time?

I tried to think back to where it all went wrong but I am beginning to think it will be impossible to find. I really tried but all it accomplished was to depress me in a way I have never experienced, a kind of confused depression.

I kept it all inside at first, not wanting to disturb my "life," but the magnitude of the revelation is rippling through my reality in a way I cannot deny.

How did I come to this conclusion that I know nothing if all this time I have known nothing? I experienced a moment I can only label as significant during some beginner meditation technique. I don't even practice regularly and to be honest I dnn't even know if I was doing it right.

But that moment was so powerful, even 5 years later I can remember every sensation, every thought, every revelation. There has been times in the last 5 years I tried to forget it and I thought did, but it always came back... like it can never really be forgotten.

In that moment I seemed to have become aware of my surroundings in a way like I wasn't thinking with the same thoughts I previously thought before the moment occured. I knew exactly where I was and what I was doing but my thoughts and the sense of scale in relation to myself and the world around me seemed to expand beyond the confines of my reality. As if all of a sudden as my reality was escapable in some way. As if, by coincidence or design (or maybe a mixture of both), the reality I percieved before the moment in question is only a small part of a greater reality.

This all lead me to the undeniable question, if I don't even know about my own reality and there may be a reality I have not explored, maybe a reality I have not yet fully realized is there... how do I really know anything at all? It was all very amusing at first but then as this revelation evolved I became increasingly confused about the things I thought I was sure of, I began questioning my reality as if it couldn't be trusted.

I've read and heard people describe enlightenment as a wholeness, a moment of connectedness with everything, a spiritual release. Have I experienced the opposite, a "DE-enlightenment?"

I think I have been stuck here, sometimes even trying hard to forget it, for the last 5 years but I keep coming back to that moment. Good or bad I cannot tell but something in me is convinced it is significant. This moment has not only lead to confusion and admitedly some kind of depression but it has also lead to other great moments of revelation triggered by the discovery that some long-held belief I had was totally and utterly wrong. I may not have known what was wrong but I discovered somehow the belief was not helping me move toward a greater understanding.

At first this was tough to take, my pre-moment reality did not like to be wrong, but after a while I had to treat these revelations as a new beginning. Now I am amused at how little I truly knew about something compared to how much I thought I knew before. I get some sense of exhilaration having to treat it as a new beginning and explore ways to gain a better understanding of what it was I had misunderstood all this time but a lot of mental and emotional work is involved. Good or bad, depressing or exhilarating, this has been a very slow process.

Why am I sharing this with you all? A little out of curiousness and maybe a lot out of necessity. I want to know what others think. I know nobody can solve this for me but maybe there is someone out there with a piece of puzzle I didn't even know I was missing.

Thoughts from the masses?

Curious(ly DE-Enlightened?)
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