Would you pursue a romantic relationship with someone who has been sexually abused?

"Allow" him to share what?

If they insist that they are innocent and faultless, then in that relationship, they think that everything IS my fault. So this is what I get, in that relationship.

 

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Water, we can't be held responsible for the actions and feelings of others. I can not change the way my ex-wife loves. This is her area of expertise, however I can and have changed the way I love, this is my area of expertise.
It was not my ex-wifes fault that I didn't feel her love it was not even mine if we want to get all techo about it however regardless of the reasoning eventually the buck has got to stop somewhere and in the end it always stops with ourselves.
I accept that I was unable to feel as I could have. I blame no one for this. It is a necessary part of my journey through life. But once I became aware of my inadequacies it then became my responsibility to change myself if I could. If I fail In doing so this is also not my fault nor any one elses but simply the way it is....at least I have made the attempt and continue to do so....

I also became aware of perceptive blindness and this allowed me to think beyond the impact of my immediate conditioning and assume that I am blind to begin with.
I see but I see nothing.....why? - sort of reasoning.
I feel but I feel nothing.....why?

 

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I agree with you, it is very easy. However, someone who feels justified by treating the person that they are in a relationship with badly is in a relationship because of his/her own feelings of inadequacy and does not love the other person unconditionally. He/she is using the other person in a sick sense as a way of feeling better about themselves. To treat soemone badly is not the course of action to take, but rather to be understanding and supportive so that the person who has been abused will cease to see the person they are in a relationship with as a threat. Layers have to be peeled back which only happens in an environment of trust and creating this environment takes time.

 

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Like QQ says, other people can't be held responsible for your actions and feelings. If they're allowed to determine how you feel, you're at their mercy. Someone who thinks they are faultless and innocent are not automatically in a better position than someone who thinks they're not. The only difference would be that their belief wouldn't allow them to be influenced by your opinion, while your belief might compel you to be influenced by theirs. That's only possible if you think they're right and you're wrong, which is why I asked: IS everything really your fault? What you believe makes a lot of difference because it determines what you value (your values), and these are your responsibility.

What people think is not necessarily true. Whether it's what people think about you, or what you think about them. There is enough logic and reason at our disposal to test for the truth.

To link up to LightEagle's thought: if someone has to insist on being innocent and faultless, they're more interested in themselves and in not being inadequate, than in you or in the relationship. But their attitude doesn't reflect on you, and you don't have to convince them otherwise in order to be yourself, or to be in relationships with people who aren't that selfish.

 

Whom are you talking to?

 

Water, It just occured to me the elusive word that has been running around in my head since first reading this thread.

The word is "Cynicism"

To me it is very relevant, and I wondered if you are able to see it's relevance?

"Throw of the shackles of cynicism and be liberated from predjudice and false preconceptions"
I can't remember where I read this.....

 

I think I am quite aware of cynicism. I had been, after all, one of the main contributors to the caustic and bitter atmosphere at Sciforums.



Speaking Truth


It is possible to speak truth in anger.
When so done, people tend to hear the anger
....and not the truth.

It is possible to speak truth in arrogance.
When so done, people tend to hear the arrogance
....and not the truth.

It is possible to speak truth in deceitful ways.
When so done, people tend to sense the deceit
....and take the truth for more deceit.

It is possible to speak truth in loving kindness.
When so done, people tend to hear
....the love and the truth.

Or so it seems in my experience.


By Jesa MacBeth

 

My view of sexually abused people is based on the ones who have gone out of their way to let it be known they were sexually abused.
I'm thinking no for that reason, but logically I can imagine someone who was actually abused but not a complete douche about it.
If they mentioned the time their uncle pulled their pants down and sniffed their butthole in a light hearted "funny story" kind of way later on in the relationship when we were running out of things to talk about, I'd probably be ok with it.

If I could joke about it, that would be ok. If I could make fun of sexual abuse victims on oprah in front of her and make her laugh at them with me rather than say "hey, that's not cool man, I was abused" then she's probably ok.

So really I'm just talking about a kind of person I wouldn't pursue a relationship with. They could just as easily not be abused, they may have become a goth or something to make up for not being abused. It's the same person really.
I just hate those "deep thinking" "victim" "sometimes I cut my wrists" sexual abuse victims, who are obviously ecstatic on the inside over the fact they were sexually abused. I equally hate the ones who wish they were sexually abused though.

I think a normal person who happened to be abused but isn't a dick about it could be ok.
I'd still need to hold it over her and say "at least I wasn't sexually abused you faggot bitch" in arguments, obviously.

 

Who would be even okay with being sexually abused, let alone “ecstatic”?
That’s an ignorant fucking assumption to make.

 

Actually, it isn't an ignorant assumption.

A way of dealing with the pain of abuse is to develop a liking for the abuse.
The experience of abuse can be so traumatic that one's thinking becomes completely warped when it tries to deal with the pain of the abuse. One can begin to yearn for more abuse -- for a greater pain to cover up, to absorb the previous pain.

 

Although I can understand how that can happen in some cases, it would certainly not be in all.

 

I must disagree with you on this one. Making jokes about the situation is only putting it into a context with which you feel comfortable. In other words "If you say you were abused in an acceptable manner, then you're ok." Unless I've misunderstood you. This is not uncondtional love, because you have conditions of accepting the abused.

There are no feelings of ecstacy in anyone that has been sexually, or otherwise, abused. The "wrist cutting" or whatever else are methods of coping with the pain. If someone tells everyone they were abused it may be to find sympathy and love. If they look for people to abuse them as well, it is because many people who have been abused think they do not deserve any better.

There are no "normal" people.

 

Yes, but it would depend on the person and whether or not they are ready for me.

 

I'm in this situation now. I'm 22, and my boyfriend was abused sexually and physically for about a year by his ex. The guy threatened both him and his family, so he put up with it. It's hard to be in a relationship with someone who experienced this kind of abuse, I'm not going to lie. We have to take it very slow and work together to make sure we know what the next step is. We've been together for around two years now, and, obviously, he is not comfortable with the sexual parts just yet.

It might be tough, but I love him with all of my heart. I had to earn his trust, but it was so worth it. The biggest thing to remember is that they need to trust you and feel safe and appreciated. Don't forget to show this person how much you care about them. Be honest with them and reassure them.

I'm glad that I pursued this relationship with him. Even if the sexual aspect is very little, I'm willing to wait as long as I need to. I'd seriously do anything for him, and hope to marry him when it's legal in Pennsylvania.

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