Word jokes

Discussion in 'Linguistics' started by Fraggle Rocker, Apr 19, 2010.

  1. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

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    24,690
    From the Washington Post "Style Invitational" contest last Saturday.

    Rules: Compose a new adage in one of these traditional forms:
    • If they can… why can’t they…?
    • You can… but you can’t…
    • It’s not the… it’s the…
    • If you… they will…
    The winners (with a few explanations for members outside the USA):
    • You can rest in a courtroom, but you can't court in a restroom. -- L. Craig (Senator Larry Craig was arrested for soliciting gay sex in an airport restroom.)
    • You can love your fellow man in Virginia, but you can't send out invitations. (Gay marriage is still illegal in most of the USA.)
    • If they can create a thin, pocket-size, touch-screen-enabled e-mailer/Internet browser/game machine/organizer/cellphone, why can't they create a "Cancel" button in an elevator?
    • If they can make a microwave oven, why can't they make a microwave chiller? (I want a cold beer NOW!)
    • If they can reenact Civil War battles, why can't they reenact witch dunkings? Oh, and the witches should wear flimsy T-shirts.
    • If they can create plastics that won't break down in a landfill for centuries, why can't they use them to make a garden hose that lasts more than two summers?
    • If they can have Winter Olympics curling, why can't they have Summer Olympics shuffleboard?
    • If they can tell me I didn't need to dial 1 for a call to a different area code, why can't they just ignore the freaking 1 and put through the freaking call?
    • If they can make a phone that lets you look up movie times and buy tickets, why can't they automatically silence the phone during the movie?
    • If they can call the theory of evolution a fallacy by finding a single unexplained fact, why can't we do the same for religion?
    • You can turn words like "calendar" and "friend" into verbs, but you can't illiterate me into doing it.
    • You can put your best foot forward, but you can't get anywhere unless you also put your worst foot forward.
    • You can win the Nobel Peace Prize without doing anything, but you can't win the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes without entering. (This is a widely advertised contest all over the USA.)
    • You can live by the Bible, but you can't die by the Bible, unless it's maybe it's one of those big Gutenberg Bibles with the metal clasps.
    • You can pet your mate, but you can't mate your pet.
    • You can avoid contradictions, but you can't avoid contradictions.
    • You can take my committee chair, videotape me smoking a crack pipe, give me a field sobriety test after a traffic stop and censure me for awarding a city contract to my girlfriend, but you can't take my dignity. -- M.B., Washington (Marion Barry was a popular mayor of Washington, DC, despite his lack of morals or scruples.)
    • It's not the view of Russia from Alaska, it's the . . . well, everything else. (When Sarah Palin was campaigning for Vice President, she remarked that being governor of Alaska—normally considered one of our most insignificant states—was a good qualification because it’s so close to Russia.)
    • If you leave me now, and take away the biggest part of me, they will probably ask you what you're going to do with my butt. (”If You Leave Me Now, You’ll Take Away the Biggest Part of Me” is the title of an old rock song.)
     
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  3. Spud Emperor solanaceous common tater Registered Senior Member

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    O.K, not quite in line with the format but...

    You can take the boy out of the country
    You can take the priest out of the rectory,
    You can take pope out of the vatican
    You can take the boy out of the choir
    but you can't the priest out of the boy.
     
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  5. Spud Emperor solanaceous common tater Registered Senior Member

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    Wow! this really catching on.

    Unperturbed... why is it that you can't pluck a flying cockatoo
    but if you don't give a flying fuck, you'll probably crash land.

    Well done spud you completely cocked that up ya big Galah.
     
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  7. Captain Kremmen All aboard, me Hearties! Valued Senior Member

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    If they can give you buy one get one free, why can't they just give you it free?
    If taxi drivers know everything, how come they ended up as taxi drivers?
    Why do all hotel rooms look exactly the same, no matter what you pay?
    Why are people who use computers in films always great typists.

    You can stop a man in the pub talking about a Soap, but you can't stop Spud talking about the Pope.
     
  8. Spud Emperor solanaceous common tater Registered Senior Member

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    Yeah. Pope on a rope.

    Spud's suds, dud! You can rather a lather or lather your father. Cleanliness is next to godliness.


    Call me bubbles.
     
  9. iceaura Valued Senior Member

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    24,101
    Tangent:
    They can: http://iopscience.iop.org/1367-2630/10/6/063005/fulltext?ejredirect=migration

    You can't afford the beer sized version.

    A cheaper method on similar principles, that would work on non-polar molecules as well, would be Einstein's (patented) sonic refrigerator. I'm not sure why we don't see those around more. Safety?

    Return:
     
  10. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

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    24,690
    Ever watch closely? They're just hitting keys at random. Their screens are programmed and don't display what they type. They often type faster than anyone can do in real life.
     
  11. Captain Kremmen All aboard, me Hearties! Valued Senior Member

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    @ Fraggle
    Spoonerisms and the wordplay adaptations of spoonerisms are pretty rare.
    It's hard to make up a good new one.

    Not a spoonerism, but my #1 of the entries was
    You can put your best foot forward, but you can't get anywhere unless you also put your worst foot forward.


    @Spud
    Which would you prefer as a Christmas present?
    1. Soap on a Rope
    2. The Pope on a Rope.
     
  12. Spud Emperor solanaceous common tater Registered Senior Member

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    I don't celebrate religious occasions and I'm not a killer so the pope can rot in jail.
    I 'm bring out a new gift idea in time for Christmas so I can cash in; pope soap on a rope. Imagine the look on his face when you use it to clean ya pooper.

    And seeing as I'm in a potty mouthed mood (severely hungover mind you, friggin' margaritas), the Spud Empress was lying next to me and I was being prickled by her muff which was a good sight better than her being muffled by my prick.

    p.s, I wouldn't say I was very drunk but at the end of the night all I had to do was fall into bed but I missed.
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2010
  13. Captain Kremmen All aboard, me Hearties! Valued Senior Member

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    Soap on an Antelope is the latest Rubbish Christmas present.
     
  14. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

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    24,690
    "After Forever," from Black Sabbath's 1971 album "Master of Reality:
    This song, written by bassist Butler rather than singer Ozzy Osbourne, is entirely Christian themes.

    Despite a couple of hits that have become Classic Rock ("Paranoid," "War Pigs") on their first two albums, "Master of Reality" is regarded as their breakthrough. The lyrics are better-crafted, the production is more professional, and the musicianship is superior. Guitarist Tony Iommi had injured his fingers earlier in life in an industrial accident, and he hit upon the idea of drop-tuning his guitar three half-tones, to C#, to reduce string tension and make it easier to play. Butler matched this tuning on his bass. In addition to setting Iommi on the path to becoming the virtuoso axeman he now is, with more elaborate solos, the lower register and the different tone quality of the looser strings gave the band their trademark "darker" sound.
     

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