Witness the coming of the glory of my vacuum cleaner!

Discussion in 'Religion Archives' started by Tiassa, Mar 7, 2002.

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Your favorite Brands?

  1. Product quality: you can't beat product quality

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  2. Product integrity: it does what's expected

    4 vote(s)
    100.0%
  3. Label: it's all about the prestige of the labels

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  4. Value: it can't cost too much ....

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  1. Tiassa Let us not launch the boat ... Staff Member

    Messages:
    35,983
    Instead of the Witness to the Good News, I bring you Vacuum Cleaners. That's right, vacuum cleaners. And not just any vacuum cleaner but the Sukkamundo-3000®.

    Now, annoying as door-to-door might be ...

    * The Sukkamundo® is a vital part of my own life; without it, I could not keep my home clean.
    * The Sukkamundo® never fails, never breaks, and is powerful enough to be the scourge of all dirt in your home.
    * The Sukkamundo® can be used anywhere to clean up anything.

    Having made those points, would you actually buy the vacuum cleaner if:

    1) The Sukkamundo® being so vital to my cleanliness--what if I looked like a slob?
    2) The Sukkamundo® does not pick up all the dirt in the demo?
    3) The Sukkamundo® has a 15-foot cord and no remote power unit?
    4) The Sukkamundo® explodes when you suck up water with it?

    I'm hoping the analogy is naked. Let me know if it's too subtle.

    So while it may be obvious that I, as the salesman, cannot keep myself clean and presentable, and while the Sukkamundo® is neither as effective, reliable, or versatile as I've told you; and while the attachments which make the Sukkamundo such a great value actually come at extra charge ....

    Why don't you want to buy my vacuum cleaner?

    thanx much,
    Tiassa

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  3. pragmathen 0001 1111 Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    452
    I'll take one!

    I've run across a great many vacuums that claim this and claim that, but it's certain that your <i>Sukkamundo-3000®</i> will hold up to all of my wildest dreams!

    I've scoured high and low in search of just such a product that will clean everything thoroughly and leave no stone unturned, be it as small as a mustard seed or as weighty as a millstone!

    This <i>Sukkamundo-3000®</i> sounds like one worthy effort to clean the houses of this land, I gotta tell ya. Since roughly 90% of this country has some form of vacuum, it only makes sense that I should need one as well. And why settle for just any ordinary vacuum, when I could put forth the effort and grab the <i>Sukkamundo-3000®</i> while I still can!

    Does the <i>Sukkamundo-3000®</i> come with a handy technical manual, filled with pseudo-babble that will cover each and every scenario I run across with the <i>Sukkamundo-3000®</i>? In times of trouble and disconsolation, can I refer back to this manual in the hopes of finding answers to my questions about vacuuming and such? If so, then I declare that you have a buyer, my friend!

    I'm going to run out and purchase the <i>Sukkamundo-3000®</i>, even though it may not do all that you say it does. The promise of what it can do makes it all worth it, though it may turn out to disappoint later on. I'll just pretend that it works, especially when it clearly doesn't.

    Thanks for pointing the way for me on what path me and my vacuum should trod!

    prag
     
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  5. Tiassa Let us not launch the boat ... Staff Member

    Messages:
    35,983
    SOLD! to the man in Provo, Utah ....

    And there you are, folks, another amazing testimony. You see how his life is already getting better just because he ordered a Sukkamundo-3000®?

    And it will make your life better, too.

    And I know this.

    How do I know this?

    Because I know.

    That's right: I know.

    You understand: I know.

    And our friend from Provo points out one of the most glorious benefits of your Sukkamundo® purchase: The Manual™.

    The Manual™ is your everyday authority in cleanliness and hygeine, beautifully-written according to an age-old tradition that ensures that nobody will ever understand hygiene for the next two-thousand years ... unless they have a fine Sukkamundo® vacuum cleaner. And look at this special Family Edition of The Manual™, which can be yours if you purchase to-day ... look at it, so rich and colorful, with all sorts of advice on how to make the wine ascend from the carpet, what to do if you ever have to suck a Jew, and other bits of necessary, vital information that you cannot live without.

    So don't leave your family unprotected. Children playing, husbands working on cars, wives getting dusty straightening the attic and doing the ironing like good girls ... you, too, can redeem their naughty efforts with a Sukkamundo-3000® premium lifestyle system. Just ask Sukkamundo® into your home; you'll wonder how you ever lived without it. The Manual™ even says so ....

    So who's next? Who would like their life absolutely, positively changed by the Good News I bring you today about the miraculous, all-powerful, never-failing Sukkamundo-3000®. Call today for your free copy of The Manual™, with no obligation to buy. Our Courtesy Specialists will make sure to get all your vital information. Just call right now, +1.666.SUCK.OFF ....

    thanx much,
    Tiassa

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  7. Counterbalance Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    373
    Well, that's all fine and good, Mr. tiassa... but I don't hear nuthin' about pet stain removal... :bugeye: (And you know how tough THEY are to get out.)

    Oh, and how about a WRITTEN guarantee? Nothing but your truly, genuine, authentic signature will do, ya know...

    Waiting anxiously for a reply,

    (this house could really do with a good cleanin' right now)

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    Counterbalance
     
  8. Cris In search of Immortality Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    9,199
    Vacuum cleaner?

    I remember a quote made by Quentin Crisp many years ago when describing his apartment, it went something like –

    “After a while the amount of dust reaches a level after which it never gets any higher”.

    I always thought I’d try that, and sure enough my daughter and I, both being equally lazy and untidy, have never cleaned our apartment in the 7 years we have lived here. Quentin was perfectly correct; after a while one simply doesn’t notice the dust and it never seems to get any worse.

    I do however admit to a particular quandary at the moment since my 86-year-old mother is going to visit us in 3 weeks time and for the first time, and we are seriously considering borrowing a vacuum cleaner. She would never understand our advanced lifestyle principles so we may have to capitulate this one time. Sigh!

    The carpet is a dark gray color, at least I think it is, although I did move a chest of drawers last week and the carpet underneath is a light cream color, I assume that part of the carpet has faded somehow. Curious that!

    Cris
     
  9. Tiassa Let us not launch the boat ... Staff Member

    Messages:
    35,983
    Love your children, protect them with Sukk-Power®

    O! Unbeliever! How thou mock The Manual™!

    But does not The Manual™ read:
    For, indeed, as the Book of Welcome, the eloquent and loving greeting of The Manual™ tells you, the Sukkamundo-3000® is your salvation against dirt, grime, and stains of any kind. And consider the testaments, in the Book of Value, to the Sukkamundo-3000/w® wet-vac upgrade, the Sukkamundo-3000/s® steam-vac upgrade, or perhaps the popular and amazing iSuk® rechargeable, lightweight, mobile dust-vac upgrade to round out your new, Sukky lifestyle.

    And, as Values also reminds us, the lifetime-guarantee Sukkamundo undercoating to protect your vacuum's beauty for years to come. Doubt not the power of the King of Sucks to change your life, to redeem your home, and to stand as your salvation in the face of the eternal onslaught of evil dirt and grime. As the Book of Stains instructs:
    O ye of little faith ... our written guarantee is, indeed, The Manual™ itself. The Sukkamundo-3000® is the beginning of a new, clean and Sukky lifestyle. And, as the Book of Necessity knows:
    The doubting mind must first believe: make that choice, ask a Sukkamundo-3000® into your home: I guarantee that it will find its way into your heart.

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    Today is your day to invite your favorite Sukkamundo-3000® package into your heart!

    And I know what you all are thinking ... can the Sukkamundo-3000® truly bring salvation to my home? I assure you it can. Have faith, invite the Sukkamundo-3000® into your heart, and you'll see the light, I guarantee. Your home will never be cleaner than it will be as a Sukky home.

    Or safer.

    For I hear the word coming up from Cupertino, California that the Book of Troubles is coming true; carpets are fading from lack of cleanliness, and lack of sunlight. Such as our friend in Cupertino, whose gray carpet turned beige, as is foretold in the Book of Troubles:
    And so you see, my friends, the amazing Sukkamundo-3000® leaves you with no other conclusion: You shall have no other vacuum cleaner (Missons 2.3). There is no other way to save your home from the evils of grime, to protect the security of your family against devilish dust or the Prince of Stains.

    Let me say it to you simply: Doubt my words, my friends. Someday you will discover the truth; by the power Sukkamundo®, let us pray that someday isn't too late.

    Just call to receive this vacuum. +1.666.SUCK-OFF. Courtesy Specialists are standing by. Call now; for yourself, for your home, for your family.

    The Sukkamundo-3000®: It's a good thing to do, and the right way to do it. (Wil. 3.1)

    And the prophet was right. The Book of Wilfred speaks the truth, and it cannot be doubted.

    I tell you this because I know.

    Give us a call. We'll change your life for the Sukkier.

    thanx much,
    Tiassa

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    (SPECIAL OFFER! Sukkamundo International also offers a life insurance children at only $1.00 a month for the rest of your child's life, and we'll pay out $10,000 if s/he is ever killed by a dust-bunny. How can you possibly say no? What? Don't you love your children at all?)
     
  10. Bebelina kospla.com Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    5,036
    In Sweden we have have " damn suckers" or dammsugare (dustsucker) as the correct word is.

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  11. Hoth Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    383
    Tiassa, if you don't already work in marketing I'm sure there are a number of companies looking for you.

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  12. hockeywings Don't dance without music Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    132
    *gets on hands and feet* "I'm NOT WORTHY, I'M NOT WORTHY"
     
  13. Amp Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    87
    LOL,(side slitting that is)...

    I've heard of the new innovations currently under way in the evolving technologies of vacuum effiency.

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    Forsooth, verily its truth of the highest order, the Hawkwing Foundation has discovered a way to create virtual event horizons (VEH™) and install them in a way which boosts the effectivness of the Sukkamundo-3000® to unprecdented levels. No longer will you have to run the risk of having the vacuum bag bust open on you, choking you in clouds of gritty, grimy dust and dirt. The VEH™ work like magic causing all the filthy, disgusting dust to virtually disappear on contact, hows that for convience.

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    Peace Amp
     
  14. Cris In search of Immortality Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    9,199
    With the imminent arrival of my mother, who has never seen my home, my daughter and I did decide to clean our carpets this week.

    Our choice was to rent the Hoover Super Steamvac 620. I know I know, it doesn’t sound anywhere near as impressive as the Sukkamundo-3000®. And we weren’t provided with a manual, which may have reduced the impact of the whole event, I mean without “THE WORD” how could we possibly know if what we were doing was correct.

    So after about 8 hours of watching the machine’s super powered 6 scrubbing brushes do its thing, I am happy to report that our carpets are now revealingly clean.

    Revealingly because it seems I was wrong about the color of the carpets. Clearly my memory is failing. The carpets were not gray; ummm that was the color of the dirt. Once the dirt was removed, (took a gallon of cleaning fluid), we discovered, that indeed the carpets are a very pleasant beige. And the extensive widespread random black blobs that I thought were part of the pattern were it seems stains of some type. I guess I don’t miss them too much.

    Ahhh! A satisfying result. Praise be.

    Cris
     
  15. blonde_cupid Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    427
    Cris,

    ***Ahhh! A satisfying result. Praise be.***

    Praise be? Praise be?

    What? Did you find God under there after all this time?

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  16. Cris In search of Immortality Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    9,199
    blonde_cupid,

    It was a cosmic revelation, the pure emotional elation of achieving a wonderful cleansing.

    I'm sure I now understand exactly how you feel.

    I now know the truth.

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    Cris
     
  17. blonde_cupid Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    427
    Cris,

    ***I now know the truth.***


    Ah... I see!

    It's all becoming clear now...

    You stuck the vacuum hose up to your ear and sucked the cobwebs out... Right?

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    Seriously, though. I appreciate you having shared this little tid-bit about your lifestyle. When I envision your home now, I think of New York City...

    It's a nice place to visit, I'm sure, but I wouldn't want to live there.

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    Enjoy your visit with your Mum.

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  18. Cris In search of Immortality Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    9,199
    blonde_cupid,

    LOL. I think I should put the record straight a little, I will admit to some exaggeration to stay within the “spirit” of the thread. And as a Brit I have no problem making myself the center of a joke. I’m really not such a slob, now my daughter……but that is another story. Fortunately she doesn’t watch this website.

    And many thanks for your good wishes.

    Cris
     

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