Why Marriages Fail

Discussion in 'Human Science' started by TruthSeeker, Jul 20, 2007.

  1. EmptyForceOfChi Banned Banned

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    THANKS! now im really looking forward to my childs birth, it sounds wonderful.



    peace.
     
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  3. Wisdom_Seeker Speaker of my truth Valued Senior Member

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    marriages fail because people keep getting married and promise each other stuff they could not possibly know in a given time.
     
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  5. Bells Staff Member

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    LOL

    It can be bad in those early days. Lack of sleep, tiredness and having a new and very demanding individual thrust into your relationship can be stressful and testing. The main thing to remember is to keep communicating with your other half. Help each other as much as you can. In other words, share the load. Don't expect that everything will be as it was before, because it won't be.

    My husband's best friend and his wife recently suffered terribly when they had their first child. They expected that their child would be perfect and expected that they, as a couple would be the same as they were before and they could do everything they could do before the child was born. The child came along and all their expectations went out the window. He did not sleep through the night as they expected he would and they realised that something as simple as going out to dinner, well, it was no longer that simple. The key, as my husband kept telling him, was to not expect too much and to take each day as it came. They could not deal with it. They were both resentful that their newborn was not sleeping for 8 hours a night and they could no longer just go to the movies or out whenever they wished. It took them 3 months before they finally realised that they had to cater for the child as well. Both of them suffered through a bout of depression, because everything was completely out of their control.

    We went through it with our first child and I must admit, it came as a shock. No one can prepare you for the lack of sleep and the extreme tiredness that comes with it in those first few months. We got through it by sharing the load of everything that had to be done and always communicating, even if we were angry at something.

    As bad as it gets, and it can get bad, remember that it will get better. Take it a day at a time and don't expect that everything will stay the same. Your life as an individual and as a couple changes completely and that can be a real shock to the system. Everything you had and knew before is suddenly different. Take it a day at a time and get as much sleep as you can manage when the opportunity arises, the same applies to you and your wife spending some time alone together. If you can leave the baby with someone for a couple of hours, do so and go out for a meal or to a movie, to get a break. Most importantly, don't expect that nothing will change. If you do, then it can get bad as you realise that everything changes.
     
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  7. EmptyForceOfChi Banned Banned

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    hey thanks for all the words of advice, i really appreciate it. i know things are going to be completely different, i guess i cant understand it fully untill it happens though. im not sure it has even hit me properly that im going to be a father. i mean sure i know its comming, in less than 3 months even. but the reality of it has not sunk in fully yet. i still go about my buisness without even thinking about it, then something will all of a sudden remind me "hey your a father soon".


    i know communication must be the key to success. my ally (wife) and i must compromise and share the work to cope with any situation. i will gladly do more than half of the work though, i am stronger than she is. my stamina and energy levels are higher i should be able to take the brunt of the load. but i still dont want to change the dirty nappies (diapers to you yankee doodles).


    its going to be an interesting ride thats for sure, i think we can cope though. it will be a shock and comlete lifestyle change, but if there is one thing im good at, thats adapting and rising to the challenge.

    thanks again for the advice.

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    peace.
     
  8. Syzygys As a mother, I am telling you Valued Senior Member

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    marriages fail because people get married for the wrong reason: love.

    Statistically marriages based on money/business/mutual interest last much longer....

    Also most people don't get it, but marriage is a contract. Now why would people want to live in the same contract forever??
     
  9. Bells Staff Member

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    Yes. You really can't understand it until it actually happens. But then it does and you just go through it day by day. And even then, sometimes, it hits you that you are a parent and the feelings of absolute fear and terror mix combine with joy.

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    Meh. The nappies aren't really that bad. Newborns do, however, have explosive's number 2's and they do it all day. Just stock up on newborn nappies and wipes... lots and lots of wipes... lol..

    If you can afford it, hire a housekeeper to come in even once a week for the first few weeks. I found that not having the time to clean the house to be the most depressing thing (personally speaking). It helps to have someone come in and do a few things so that you can have a bit of a rest (you as in both you and your wife). Or alternatively, see if a relative or friend can help in that regard. And you will have to take up the brunt of the load for a while. She'll still be recovering from the birth and having to get up to feed the baby at all hours... she's going to be very tired and at times, very very irritable.

    Key is trying to find some time to spend alone, with your wife and alone as well (for the both of you), because you will need breaks from the baby. After a few weeks of what seem like a horror movie, it all starts to fall into a routine.

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    And just remember, as bad as it might get, it does get better.

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  10. madanthonywayne Morning in America Staff Member

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    Couldn't disagree more. Having children is what marriage is about. Otherwise, you might as well just be going out. Get bored, dump the bitch and move on. What's the big deal if there are no children involved?

    My sister in law just got divorced. She and her husband had no kids, so the divorce was no big deal. It was quick and painless, the biggest dispute was over their stupid dog.

    My sister is also getting divorced. She and her husband have two kids. The divorce has dragged on for years and has become a vendetta. And no matter what happens, they will still have to deal with each other for the next 15 years or so at least.

    The biggest problem in marriage is boredom. The same old same old. Once you have kids, you have a reason to work thru your problems because no matter what happens; you're not getting away from this person for the next 18 years. As the old song goes, "It's cheaper to keep her.".

    Not to mention that it's better for the kid to have an intact family. Once you knock someone up, it's your responsibility to help raise the kid. So be a man, and tough it out.

    Hell, I don't really think of people without kids as adults. If you don't have children, your life is one long adolescense. Perpetual teenagers, never having to put someone elses needs before your own. That's what you're going thru. You're being forced to grow up. Congratulations.
     
  11. madanthonywayne Morning in America Staff Member

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    If you have kids under 18, I'd definitely back getting rid of "no fault" divorce. If you're going to fuck up your kid's life, you'd better have a good reason.

    If there are no kids, do what you want. Who cares?
     
  12. Bells Staff Member

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    I totally agree with you.

    Once you have children, it is easy to just fall into a pattern where everything revolves around the children. All you talk about are the children and all that you do is for or about the children. You end up feeling bored and find yourself stagnating. As a result you end up picking arguments with your wife/husband for everything and anything.

    Having children is a test to any relationship. Those who make it through that test do so because they are able to work it out. Having children should not mean the end of the individual. It is vital to do things without the children and to have time alone (with just your other half or by yourself as well... ie. without the children) to keep things in perspective and to stop you from getting bored.

    I can understand now why some women do not want to stay at home after they have had children. Going to work provides some space and allows them to maintain some of their own identity and frankly, working outside of the home is less tiring and less stressful than spending all day, every day at home with the children. If you do stay home with the kids, find a hobby or do something that gets you out of the house a few times a week. My husband and I both retired when we had our first child. After a few months, we were both going stir crazy. He now does some contract work when he feels like it and I do volunteer work a few times a week. It's not about the money, but more about spending time away doing something you like doing. You need the distraction.
     
  13. TruthSeeker Fancy Virtual Reality Monkey Valued Senior Member

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    madanthonywayne, I think you misunderstood me. The very reason why I said children can be a problem is precisely because of boredom! LOL!!! I mean.. as Bells said, once the kids come, everything revolves around the kids!! It's a lot of stress and it's difficult to have fun. I mean... me and my wife rarely spend time together anymore. It's all about our kid. It's about working and then coming home and going to bed becuase we are both exhausted!

    Of course, once we move, we are trying for better jobs, so that we can do two things:
    1) spend more time together by hiring a babysitter with the extra money
    2) invest in our carreers

    That way, we keep our adventures alive and going, without falling into the same old boredom. The main problem is that kids take most of your time!
     
  14. TruthSeeker Fancy Virtual Reality Monkey Valued Senior Member

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    I couldn't agree more with you!!

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  15. sniffy Banned Banned

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    People live an awful long time these days and they may change an awful lot during that period. Mortgages, children, stressful jobs....
    My Grandparents were married for over 50 years but they would fight like cat and dog.
     
  16. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

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    I once heard a very macabre person suggest that if people with children want a divorce, they should be required to have "retroactive abortions." That would change their attitudes.

    The lawyer who handled my divorce said that the problem in our society is that marriage is too easy. People are getting married who simply should not do so. Not to each other anyway, and in many cases not to anybody! I've met some of those folks.

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  17. Dan the Man84 BAD BOY FOR LIFE Registered Senior Member

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    People without kids to you are not really adults? Haha, whatever you say. I guess Oprah is one big child to you right? She has no kids.
     
  18. EmptyForceOfChi Banned Banned

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    yeah i still dont feel like a father to be, it sounds like an interesting mix of emotions. like a cocktail of feelings. im looking forward to it though.



    . yeah see im not really looking forward to this part. cant i just hose it down in the garden? whats the danger with that? apart from my wife kicking my ass ofcourse.

    yeah the housekeeper sounds good, once a week is not expensive. i can deal with annoyed women its easy, just nod along and pretend to listen.


    we both have plenty of family who will take the baby off our hands for some alone time, we should be able to still have a night out every week at some point. i dont think it will be that bad ive got lots of younger cousins and have seen them all grow up . im already good with babies and children i love kids. but i understand its different when its your own child.




    yeah i always look on the positive side, i never dwell on the negative.


    peace.
     
  19. madanthonywayne Morning in America Staff Member

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    Oprah. That's the best you could come up with?

    Honestly, there are other things than having children that can force you to grow up. Fighting a war. Having some huge responsibility forced upon you.

    But being a talk show host is not one of them.
     
  20. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

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    Expectant parenthood and parenthood do indeed trigger instincts that change our behavior. But as I have posted elsewhere, what distinguishes us from all the other animals is our uniquely large forebrain, which gives us the ability to override instincts with reasoned and learned behavior. One does not need the experience of parenthood to become a civilized adult. In fact, civilization itself is an override of our pack-social instinct to distrust and do battle with people outside of our extended family. So it is to be expected that becoming a civilized adult might trample on other instinctive behaviors as well.

    Just as we learned to extend our pack-mate instinct to people we don't live with, we have also learned to extend our parenting instinct to people who are not our children. Teachers do that every day, and so do we who try to play the role of elder in the virtual community of SciForums.

    The opposite phenomenon is certainly rampant. Can't we all name twenty people who have had the biological experience of parenthood, and still don't qualify as adults?
     
  21. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

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    Why do marriages fail?

    Unrealistic expectations. Many people get married to the image rather than the person.
     
  22. TruthSeeker Fancy Virtual Reality Monkey Valued Senior Member

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    Britney Spears....

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    errr... that's pretty much it... aside from a couple of friends... :shrug:
     
  23. nietzschefan Thread Killer Valued Senior Member

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    "If one could imagine a face and a figure 20 years older, one could pass through life very much undisterbed"
    -Nietzsche
     

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