Why do we hate it when someone gives us far more than we can repay?

Benefactions are welcome so long as we feel we are able to return them. But if they pass far beyond that point, we requite them with hatred, not thanks.
— Tacitus


This confirms my experience.


Why do we hate it when someone gives us far more than we can repay?

 

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Because, maybe, it leaves us [feeling] beholden to the other.
And that can engender a sense of inferiority (e.g. why couldn't I have done it for myself?) and jealousy (why did he have so much to give when I didn't?).

No one likes to be [shown to be] inferior. No one likes to feel inferior. Therefore whoever makes one feel inferior is a target until one's self-esteem is restored: possibly by bringing down that someone who is "superior".

 

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it could be one of several reasons. one could feel they are being condescended to. one could be jealous of the other's prosperity. one could feel they are being controlled or beholden to.

it also depends on the motives of the giver.

 

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or you could just be grateful, but that wouldn't fit in with our fucked up personalities would it?

 

Give me a million bucks and I promise I won't hold it against you.

Just sayin....

 

:bravo:
:roflmao:


I'm not going to risk it.
I wouldn't want you to hate me.

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I feel embarrassed that I'm having trouble repaying the people in my life I owe.

Not that I feel inferior, I just feel...irresponsible.

And it both frightens and disgusts me to need anything from anybody. I believe I should be entirely self-sufficient, at minimum. Ideally others should be able to depend on me.
So there's a lot of shame, fear, and self-contempt involved in needing assistance.
I need assistance often. This adds to the general dislike of myself.

I've read about this before, and found a link now... about a Pacific Islander culture in which someone who wants to show off will actually gift the person they want to show off to with what's an outrageous amount of wealth for that culture, that they can never balance out

Apparently, the link says it's really a type of warfare, a way to become a "Big Man" or chief in Melanesia...and that this practice has gotten now to the point where the moka gift amount has gotten rather eye-poppingly large, as in more money than a middle-class American makes in a year.

http://books.google.com/books?id=T5...m=1&sqi=2&ved=0CBgQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false

For some reason this reminds me also of Beowulf, mentioning that a king hands out kingly gifts. "Many gold rings" is what I remember...
(BTW, the Seamus Heaney translation of said work I found gorgeous)

 

Potlatch?

There are actually arguments by current military-social theorists that modern warfare is itself a form of potlatch.

 

Yes, but potlatch, I think, is more to reinforce bonds of equality...as those who gave away in potlatch will get back when other families potlatch.

Moka is more a giant outdoing of someone else. Similar actions, different purpose.

First response:roflmao:

Second response:

For the 12 days of of warfare my true love gave to me:
A corrupt bastard leader!
Terrorists appearing,
Tons of blown-up metal,
Drifting DU dust,
A million dead civilians,
trashed-out infrastructure,
Ruined civil order,
White phosphorus!!!
Public health disasters,
Sick and dying children,
Contaminated soil,
And a partridge in a pear tree!

Third response: I'll have to look into that idea...

 

It is said that accepting the gift honours the giver.

 

Aargh! My mistake.
I linked to the Wiki article but didn't read it.
I came across the term with the explanation that it it involved primarily* (at least for some American Indians**) wilful and conspicuous destruction of goods*** as a demonstration of how much richer they were than their rivals.
That is what modern warfare has been equated to: I can spend more than you and I can throw more men and resources into combat (and destruction) than you...

* The Wiki article just says

** I may have used the non-PC term here. Apologies if so.
*** Usually on a fire and definitely with the rival(s) present.

 

Muad'Dib?

 

Exactly.

 

That may well be where I got that one, Dywyddyr. It is also an old Zen saying.

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I find ways to help others more which is about all I can do when anyone helps me.

 

I've also heard that it is an even exchange if one gives a gift and the other accepts it; ie. that accepting a gift is as good as giving it.

 

Give me all your money then you bastards!! I know you hate me, so just do it, it will make me feel bad about myself.

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Its a power thing. I have also noted this in real life. The people who resent you most are usually the ones who also owe you the most. Generosity breeds contempt.:shrug:

Everyone needs help at some time or the other. If you can, you should, if you can't, at least be there. Sometimes all you need is a shoulder to lean on. I don't think you should feel self contempt at needing help, I think you should pass it on. ie maybe you cannot return what you owe but maybe you can be there for someone else. Money and things cannot replace understanding and friendship. And while you can always find someone to give you things, its rare to find someone who will just give support.

 

No one will ever give more than they can afford. But you as the receiver of the gift will read into it much, depending on who the gift giver is. For instance a kid never feels guilty when a parent gives a gift to him/her. But a woman might feel a guy is trying to buy her with a gift. If that same woman likes the guy and accepts the gift it's natural that the guy will believe he has a green light to expect more involvement in getting to know her. But if she doesn't like the guy and accepts the gift, she's a bitch and deserves whatever bad karma comes her way.