When your family of origin sucks

Discussion in 'Ethics, Morality, & Justice' started by wegs, Dec 9, 2019.

  1. Jeeves Valued Senior Member

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    No, that's not going to happen, and you shouldn't set yourself (or your sister) up for that disappointment.
    What you're hoping for, at this point, is two sisters who don't dislike each other.
    And that might not happen, either.
    But if you don't try, you'll always wonder whether you missed an opportunity.
     
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  3. Vociferous Valued Senior Member

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    This:
    She is likely talking about the family she created (and could be engrossed in to the exclusion of others), rather than the one that created her. A bit shortsighted to slight her for a sentiment that may not apply to you at all.
    Also, referring to them as the "family of origin" would seem to indicate that you've already given up on them and perhaps have sought "adopted" families among friends. I would suspect your family perceives this at least subconsciously. Your perceptions color your interactions in such a way that people can react to them in a manner that seems to justify your perceptions. Or your family could have a strong genetic tendency for being on the autistic/Asperger's spectrum.
     
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  5. wegs Matter & Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    So, my sister apologized to me today - said she doesn’t mean to be distant and she wants our relationship to be better. We talked about a lot of hurts that we have over our childhoods (not with each other) and how we should be more supportive since we have the same family lol

    It was a great chat - a great start to changing our relationship, I think

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    Last edited: Dec 16, 2019
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  7. parmalee peripatetic artisan Valued Senior Member

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    Anyone recall the episode of Father Knows Best with the hot girl reading Kafka? As the show preceded me by a few decades, the subtle meanings of that one was totally lost on me at the time, but it totally blew my 14-year-old mind.

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    Anyways, nothing to worry about--she was partially domesticated and turned into a (partially) proper woman by episode's end. Still...

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  8. Seattle Valued Senior Member

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    The original air date was probably a little before my time but I used to really like Kafka.
     
  9. wegs Matter & Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    I'm home from work and having a glass of wine. I'm hopeful that my sister will make good on her promise. I'm so filled up with holiday cheer.

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  10. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    i like the way you peal your apples
    pass the strawberry jam & lamb mince sandwiches
    [perception & communication seem inextricably linked to consciousness deportment]
    i have observed this many times.
    i first started consciously observing it in people around 7 or so years ago, out of need more than want.

    There seems to be some direct link to the behaviour of the mechanism that drives conspiracy theory concepts like climate change deniers, flat earthers etc...
    which i am not yet into to any large degree(i may not get into that specifically as i have other things[maslovs hierarchy of death n taxes...{food/rent/work/career..etc}] that need more attention)

    my suspicion is there is some type of mechanistic link(i am the eternal quantum mechanic) to the consciousness that plays out through psychosis/schizophrenia/mania et-all

    i am not suggesting there is a specific part of the brain, like a language center or such like,
    however... i do wonder if there is a somewhat basic functional process that delivers a range of conditions.
    it seems like it may have clear links to the developmental stages however what defines the functional ability and the loosing control of the concept of the illusion is something i have run into on several occasions, have not managed to find any specific ability to clearly label a difference.
    [fyi i am spiritual but not religious and do not discount the idea of a center of the awareness having some vastly complex state of being that would confound the difference between soul and personality in a clinical sense of basic scientific analysis)
    [i stop myself from running off into thoughts on related concepts]

    average family is made up of 2 parental relationships
    one old one new
    i think that would tend to assign a generic concept of alternative functionality to most previous conservative[cultural] normative behavioural moral associations[autism aside]
     
  11. wegs Matter & Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    6,675
    Even though I felt like I had a “right” to be upset, it sometimes becomes a matter of pride. Maybe we are to be more forgiving that we are comfortable with? In the end, I don’t want to hold grudges and be that person.
     
  12. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    4,783
    wow !
    you got a REAL christmas present

    who reached out ?
    you or her ?

    the need to maintain a sense of stability when your standing on your own requires a certain lack of tendency to lean on someone else.
    thats fairly normal
    [trolls reading ...]

    sometimes people push people away to feel like they have control
     
  13. wegs Matter & Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    6,675
    She did. As it should be. Lol

    Truly, it might just be a Christmas miracle. <3
     
  14. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    4,783
    everyone wants to self validate the right to feel emotions
    when that is a production line canning factory the product must be always authenticated

    "i have the right to be loved?
    "i have the right to feel that way"
    "i have the right to expect you to be honest"

    there are many ways in which the perspective is twisted to manifest that which is expected to be a right

    the "I am" generation demands self validation
    it is the generation after the "speak your truth" generation"

    if your floating in between it might seem more confusing
     
  15. wegs Matter & Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    6,675
    Perhaps that’s it. I’ve always felt like I have a right to be loved by my family of origin, but the caveat is...love is complicated sometimes. It’s not always a smooth road which is what I’ve always wanted it to be.
     
  16. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    4,783
    the smooth road is paved with broken hearts and broken dreams

    the nature of the human condition is that many times when some things are to easy, they lose the ability to attach to the core personality in a manner that defines a specific skill range or emotional intelligence.

    you could humorously call it
    machine learning of the emotional self

    we are entropic beings of addiction, addicted to our food, caves, sun light, oxygen, and other such life requirements.
     
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  17. Jeeves Valued Senior Member

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    4,511
    Terrific, so far. Just go slowly and don't expect to be sweet and nice from now on. You both still have a lot of unresolved stuff to sort through and you won't always be on the same page or on the same wave-length, or whatever cliche you prefer, all the time.
    Give each other room to retreat and regroup as you each need it. Keep the generosity and hope going!
    (The hardest part is over.)
     
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  18. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    4,783
    a grudge is un carried out revenge

    carrying that hate and anger makes you sick and operate at a very less optimal range



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    lol

    ... next edition .... "life amongst cliches"
     
  19. wegs Matter & Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    6,675
    I’ve never hated anyone ^^

    My sister and I talked more today and things are going well. I’m looking forward to Christmas next week

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  20. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    wow !
    you have lived a very privileged lucky life

    unless your playing the "girls dont hate" compliance culture game

    in which case it is like a ball and chain

    purely for theoretical purposes
    if you have never hated
    how do you know you can stop hating if you start hating ?
    will the 1st be the last ?

    Thankfulness/gratitude/gratefulness is a great tool
    but then so are guns

    hate does not need to be emotionally validated by actions deemed as unsocial
    it is an emotion

    fyi
    "The Cliches" a Rom-sitcom with a group of women dressed in togas navigating the social compliance laws of modern conflicted complex society and cultures
     
  21. wegs Matter & Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    6,675
    You can be hurt and/or disappointed in a sibling, friend, lover, etc without forming a hateful opinion of them. I didn’t hate my sister nor my family of origin, but have disliked them.
     
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  22. Jeeves Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    4,511
    Hate is just a bigger dislike - usually with an element of guilt and/or fear added.
    It's good not to have been that scared of anyone, nor to have done that much harm to anyone. Maybe that's an aspect of your otherwise unsatisfactory childhood that you share with your sister.
     
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  23. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    4,783
    i may have not iterated my point so well
    which was more pointedly, if you have never felt hate you are lucky
    be that through some divine ability to not hate things or people or by opportunity to not find yourself in that position.
    i was not suggesting an experiential loss or lack there of

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    (which may be a potential theme of assumed reading between the lines in some formats of thought).

    for your personal benefit
    and putting a fine tuning aspect into it(higher difficulty level)
    ponder at some time the aspect of conscious emotional actuation by interpersonal connection

    you already are familiar with "truth" and the process of "speaking your own truth"
    in such , knowing your own impact by emotional connection to be completely accountable to your self and self consciousness.
    the truth of total self accountability.

    some malaise of Buddhist & Shinto Taoism(some aspects of hindu also & the bhagavad gita) comes to mind which i wont try and mangle into a logical sentence. however the concepts are in some of the more involved reading on perceptual constructs of the self consciousness.
    it is compulsory learning for proper mediation in its varying forms.

    anywho... it is mostly very unhelpful to get overtly complex in the midst of highly charged emotional events like xmass etc.
    just coping is often the best possible outcome for most

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    Last edited: Dec 18, 2019

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