The transmoggification of physics

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Oli, Jul 8, 2006.

  1. Oli Heute der Enteteich... Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    11,888
    Most of you will be aware of the postulation that quantum phenomena require observation to collapse the wave form and "become real", but have any studies been done on its opposite? There is a body of (currently un-verfied) evidence that certain phenomena only takes place when not observed.
    Some of you will be familiar with this from your own experiences:
    You are watching a good film on TV, or reading a book, and the cat is elsewhere. There is a loud crash as the bookcase or expensive gew-gaw falls to destruction - in a room that has the door shut.
    Intending to chastise (for what good it ever does) said cat you get into the room by various contortions designed to make no gap accessible for the cat to escape, only to find the cat is not in the room. Descending the stairs you find the cat laid in your (still warm seat), which will stretch and give you a look as if to say "Something happen? It woke me".
    Cats are anti-quantum phenomena that only collapse into catness when not under observation.
    I would like to set up a study, involving a 100% coverage by CCTV in ever-expanding radii around expensive fragile objects to ascertain the maximum "transport radius" of cats and to see if, and how, this varies with age, sex, breed, possibly sheer bloody-mindedness (although I am yet to be convinced there is any degree of difference from one cat to another), etc.
    I desire funding for:
    expensive objects
    CCTV coverage
    PC for data recording
    wide screen TV and large selection of DVDs to induce the smearing of the cat by distracting me from its existence
    large collection of books for when the watching films becomes too harrowing
    food and drink to keep me going
    Any body willing to sponsor me?
     
  2. Guest Guest Advertisement



    to hide all adverts.
  3. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    72,824
    I can provide the cat
     
  4. Guest Guest Advertisement



    to hide all adverts.
  5. Oli Heute der Enteteich... Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    11,888
    I doubt it, unless it's a kitten. People don't "have" cats. Cats "have" people.
     
  6. Guest Guest Advertisement



    to hide all adverts.
  7. Theoryofrelativity Banned Banned

    Messages:
    5,595
    Oli, I happen to be in possession of THE largest breed of domestic moggy in the world, a mainecoon, now this HUGE beast of a cat does indeed do the impossible.
     
  8. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    72,824
    I have a cat thats highly advanced in stalking and capture; even though completely toothless now ( she's 15) she still does sneak attacks and is capable of fooling the most worthy adversary

    This is in part due to her ability to look completely innocent after the most bloody battles

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  9. Oli Heute der Enteteich... Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    11,888
    ToR: but due you have documented evidence?
    Sam: that's something cats have in common with women. Both of mine (Scrub and Cabbage) used to fight like hell with each other until I walked into the room. Where I found them fast asleep curled round each other.
     
  10. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    72,824
    yes but this one does dogs too; she can stand on a door post and scratch out a dogs face to shreds in seconds and then disappear at full speed before you can gasp.

    (one reason why we were never able to keep dogs); besides she has years of experience (*promoting shamelessly*)
     
  11. Oli Heute der Enteteich... Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    11,888
    Oh yeah. Dogs have little to no chance versus a determined (or just-in-the-mood-for-playing-silly-biggers cat). No matter how large the size differential. I know of an unusually large Alsatian that will not go anywhere near cats after "meeting" one of my friends kittens.
     
  12. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    72,824
    OK I'll throw in the food and drink with the cat
     
  13. Oli Heute der Enteteich... Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    11,888
    My food and drink? Okay. Chilli, coffee and the ocassional Guinness or good cognac. Or a decent dry red. I'll need a good supply since I anticipate a long experiment. Probably take, oooh, rest of my life?
     
  14. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    72,824
    Before providing funding and after perusing my MGMC, I require you to submit me a proposal detailing the following

    1. Reasearch hypothesis
    2. Specific Objectives
    3. Experiimental Design
    4. Reasearch Methods
    5. Cost Analysis
    6. Time Frame of Specific Objectives
    7. Time Frame of Complete Research
    8. Time Frame for Regular Updates
    9. Benefits to Society from the Study
    10.Qualifications of PI (this means you)

    After analysing the report, you will receive further notice of revisions and recommendations
     
  15. Sci-Phenomena Reality is in the Minds Eye Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    869
    I think the very idea that a particle or wave will behave differently because some one is observing it, is as silly as covering your eyes with your hands and thinking the whole world can't see you and your rediculousness

    Do these "experts" really expect us to believe that bullshit?
     
  16. Oli Heute der Enteteich... Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    11,888
    1. Reasearch hypothesis
    Cats "transport", method unkown. Probably caused by loud noises (guilt is an unlikely trigger or mecahism, since I'm of the firm opinion cats wouldn't understand the concept). Distance unkown.
    2. Specific Objectives
    Ascertain that they do actually transport, and the the range. And any correlation between loudness of accident, cost of broken item (in monetary and emotional terms) and range.
    3. Experimental Design
    100% CCTV coverage required (at gradually increasing radii around the room where the accident is planned to take place as the experiment progresses). Be a couch potato until the accident occurs.
    4. Research Methods
    Read, eat and watch TV until the cat breaks something. Then re-run the tapes to see where and when the cat collapsed back into catness.
    5. Cost Analysis
    My upkeep (accomodation, food), essential materials: DVDs and books, to induce the necessary unawareness of the cat's activities. Cat food and plush mice for the cat to utterly ignore while it shreds the wallpaper and eats next door's children. Actual cost would depend on the locale of the expriment, and whether the accomadation is bought or rented - housinga food prices vaty. As do DVD and book prices. Oh, yeah and the CCTVs and PC and expensive objects. Could easily fit it into £40-60K per year. - but costs will reduce since the more books I get, the fewer expensive fragile objects we'd need. The cat can pull the shelved books over instaed of breaking pottery.
    6. Time Frame of Specific Objectives
    Time frame is hard. It might turn out that cats have a method of hiding rapid-acting silent pneumatic drills on their "person" and they use that to get through closed doors. In which case all we have to do is licence said items. If it turns out to be genuine anti-quantum phenomenon then it could spawn a whole new branch of physics. Does length of whiskers affect the ability, does the degre of cuteness of cat alter the time it takes to smear and then collapse? Minimum (barring the drill thing or similar) fifteen years. (Then I retire, but I could come back in an oversight position. Especially if nay good films ahve been released).
    7. Time Frame of Complete Research
    Open.
    8. Time Frame for Regular Updates
    Minimum once per week. Guaranteed with cats and accidents. The more cats/ expensive objects available then the more accidents we'll have. There could be a branch of mathematics that specialises in cat/ object/ time/ accident number theory. Is it an exponetial increase, does it depend on number of objects or number of cats? etc etc. Credit should go to me for suggesting this line of research should any mathematicians wish to take it up.
    9. Benefits to Society from the Study
    Reduced number of cat-related accidents = reduced domestic insurance costs. Reduced number of personal accidents from tripped-over cats = reduced personal insurance costs/ vete bills/ days off work. Possibly a new theory of quantum physics which could spawn an entirely new industry (benefits unkown, but increased computer power is one that springs to mind), possibly new transportation methods. Reduction of traffic emissions with comcomitant environmental benefits, reduction of traffic jams (reduced blood pressure, happier people arriving at work). Unknowable at this stage.
    10.Qualifications of PI (this means you)
    I have spent many years reading (46 years) and collecting books
    DVD/ TV watching capabilities are so highly developed I couldn't even hear my wife (as was) saying it my turn to mow the lawn - such was my focus on the task at hand. I can eat any chilli placed in front of me (especially if I cooked it myself) and I've never yet met a cup of coffee or Guinness I couldn't finish.
    I can recognise a cat, an accident and a closed door. I can type numbers (even big ones) on a PC, and sometimes (on a good day) words, for data logging. I have experience in passing on technical data to people far (far, far) more stupid than me and explaining how they're not seeing the whole picture and I should get a pay rise. And I could explain the plot of any book or film I've read, with highlights and the dialogue I particularly admired, to anyone trying to cash in on my position, so I wouldn't need them sitting in and taking the glory of discovery.
     
  17. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    72,824
    I will get back to you with comments; good effort but several holes immediately visible (*frowns*)
     
  18. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    72,824
    Too many unknowns. Need preliminary data for starting point in research. Back up with previous observations related to phenomenon in unrelated species; e.g. do raccoons show same ability to transport when caught near trash bins; what about dogs?

    Also if you cannot find epedimiological observational data, this begs the question: are cats aliens? do they have a Scotty in outer space (Beam me up, Scotty)?

    It is possible that the breaking of the objects is collateral damage during an otherwise sinister fact-finding campaign by the cats. This is supported by evidence that cats have been associated with "magic" and have been found to predominate in places where superhuman feats have been accomplished (e.g. the pyramids in Egypt).

    Again, this begs the question, can you be certain that this data can be ascertained? It is possible that cats possess a "clicker" whereby they are able to warp space and time and since this would affect your instrumentation, your data would be highly unreliable. Cost of broken items both monetary and emotional are subject to bias and controls must be established to prevent overestimation.

    Your methods presume that cats are unable to manipulate CCTV data; this is highly unlikely given that they may be able to transport and thus might possess technologies far in advance of that which is known about them. In addition, as you have vested interests ( chili cognac coffee) we need additional controls to ensure that you do not fudge the data yourself in the hopes of fame and glory (or the additional DVD and bowl of chili).

    This method needs to be refined further. What if the PI goes to sleep; or needs to visit the WC? or gets a shag(*shrug* it is theoretically possible); what controls are in place to ensure that there is constant monitoring of said cat and objects. Record-keeping is a must and the DVDs seem like a superfluous cost when there will be hours of tape to watch. In addition the tapes may jam or the electricity may go off; is there technical supervision present on site? How much will this add to the cost of the endeavor? What about back-up for electricity? How much of the tape data will be maintained; will the tapes be re-used? What will determine if the tapes are to be written over or stored?

    I also need additional information on how the records will be maintained; film reviews and scripts are available online and cannot be utilised as evidence of surveillance.

    Plus, what cats? how many? will you require specific breeds? what age, previous experience and length of stay? why?

    Your body weight will be measured at the start of the experiment an dnutrition will be provided in the form of a healthy diet, though occasional lapses will be overlooked. Psychiatric monitoring is required on a regular basis to ensure that you are still with us. These costs need to be added in alongwith those mentioned before.


    Too long term; a time frame of three months is sufficient for collection of preliminary data and a period of three years is sufficient to establish any cause/effect relationship or failing that, any correlation.


    Three years

    Regular records will be expected every week; progress should be duly noted and any cat/object/transport data should be analysed statistically to indicate significance. Please indicate the statistical tests used.

    Benefits are vague and unpredictable based on theoretical nature of project. However the pilot study should provide us with greater information.


    TV watching, reading and movie watching are inadequate qualifications for cat stalking. You will be required to complete a Navy Seal course for undercover operatives to put you at least on par with the cats. Documentation s required for proof of completion of the program before any funding is forthcoming. You also need an intern to assist you in case of injuries during said cat stalking.
     
  19. superluminal I am MalcomR Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    10,876
    You people don't really believe this crap, do you? I mean, cat transport mechanism and anti-quantum entities? Sam, I implore you. Don't fund this "Oli" person, if that is indeed his/her real nom-de forum. He's just trying to bilk you out of millions in hi-tech AV gear and cat treats. The idea sounds so convincing, but just like other scam artists he uses the technological buzzwords of the day very well. I can see right through this "Oli" person's ruse. Take my advice. Report him/her to the CCTV (Center for Cat Teleportation Verification - The real scientific study group for this phenomenon) and forget about it! Trust me on this.
     
  20. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    72,824
    Do you want in on this supe? just imagine if cats turn out to be aliens (*going into raptures*)
     
  21. superluminal I am MalcomR Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    10,876
    They're not? I have a mainecoon (just like ToR) and she sure looks and acts like an alien.
     
  22. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    72,824
    I'm wondering if Oli can get through the Navy Seal training; he's a pub and armchair guy.

    But since I'm interested in the project I'm willing to explore alternative research groups; and plus you have possible alien at home already.

    What do you think? Can you get through the Navy Seal program. Absane is working on one right now so he could help with the training.
     
  23. superluminal I am MalcomR Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    10,876
    I don't know. Navy seals are pretty tough. I saw one leap out of the water once and grab a fish right out of a seagulls mouth, using its flippers as gliding surfaces. Amazing. And as we all know, you don't mess with a seagull's food. Tough bastards.
     

Share This Page