The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

A father asks his 9yr old son if he knew about the birds an the bees ? "i don't want to know" the boy answered , bursting into tears ..... confused his dad asked what was wrong , " oh dad, when i was 6yrs old , i got the, there is no santa speech, when i was 7yrs old , i got the ,there is no easter bunny, at 8yrs old , you hit me with , there is no tooth fairy , .... if you tell me that grown-ups don't fuck .. i'll have nothing left to live for"

 

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Paddy marches into the job centre and screams ," i've been ringing 08001730 for two days now trying to get a appoitment " , receptionist asks " did you ring the number on our door sir" paddy says "yes" ,receptionist scowls back , "they are our opening times , ya thick cunt "

 

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The Erectus Trouserious or the Trouser snake is the worlds most venomous snake , its colour varies from pink to black, has no fangs average length 5 to 9 inches depending on subspecies and honesty of its owner . It appears in bedrooms but can be found in many unusual places , attacks women in the mouth or lower abdominal area , its highly venomous spit can cause swelling lasting up to 9 months , some are also known to attack men from behind

 

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A woman walks into a bar , orders a bottle of champagne , she then lifts her skirt takes off her nix and pours the champers all over her pussy . The barman is amazed and asks why , she answered , " i've just won the lottery and thats the only cunt i'm sharing it with "

 

Had wank over my ex-girlfriend last night , i know its wrong but i still have a key and she's a heavy sleeper

 

Scientists have warned that over 600,000 pakistanis could die as a result of global warming . On a more serious note , Douglas the trombone player on the Lurpak advert has melted

 

M F I have announce that sales of there new ""Shannon Matthews" drawer divan beds have sold out prior to the school holidays ,due to the fact that parents where told it keeps the kids quiet for 4 weeks

 

An interesting fact, Tiger Woods and Lewis Hamilton shared the same nick name at school ..........Nigger

 

A dwarf with a lisp goes to buy a horse . What kind do you want ? asks the owner, "a female horth pleeth " said the dwarf , the owner showed him a mare , "nithe horth, can i see her eythes pleeth " says the dwarf , so the owner picks him up and shows him her eyes ,"nithe eythes , can i see her teeth " he asked , so again the owner picks him up and shows him her teeth "nithe teeth" says the dwarf , " can i see her twot ?", again the owner picks him up and shoves his head into the mares fanny and pulls it out , after a minute the dwarf says " i will refwathe that , can i thee her wun awound "

 

I was asked to do a 10 mile "fun run" , i said "fuck off" , they said , "come on, its for spastics and blind kids ", then i thought ,.... fuck it , i could win this

 

Welsh girl goes into a dry cleaners , " i'd like this dress cleaned by Friday please", the slightly deaf asistant says "come again? ," " no this time its mayonaise" she replied

 

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the word "immigrants", it says fuck off home you sandal wearing hairy foreign non english speaking 10 to a bed scrounging smelly wankers !, isn't that one hell of a coincidence

 

Q:
A block of flats.

On the 4th floor is a nigger family.
On the 3rd floor is a white family.
On the 2nd floor is a paki family.
On the 1st floor is a gypsy family.
On the ground floor is a pikey family.

A tornado hits the flats. Which family/families survive?















A:
The white family - they're the only family working.

 

Elizabeth Fritzel's diary has been found in the cellar where she had been kept captive for 24years
MON-stayed in & got fucked by dad
TUES-stayed in & gave dad a blow job
WEDS-stayed in & took dads cock up my arse
THURS-stayed in & got fucked by dad twice
FRI-stayed in & got tied up and fucked in ass by dad
SAT-went to watch SHEFFIELD WEDNESDAY play, wish id stayed in now!!!!



COME ON YOU BLADES

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Dont the Chinesse read fast these days? I heard on the radio today that kids in a school went through 10 storeys in just seconds!

 

A mate of mine just back from a stag do in Burma, said there was loads of pussy floating around

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i hear that the death of mark speight was due to him mis understanding his girlfriend when she said she wanted a man who was well hung

 

An old couple out walking along a cliff top when they come across a man sitting on the edge crying into his hands.
"why are you crying? what has happened?" the couple ask.
"a bus full of paki's has just driven off this cliff into the sea killing all on board" replies the man.
"but thats a good thing surely, why are you upset"
The man answers the couple between tears
"there was 2 empty seats on the bus"

 

what do you call 1000 immigrants at the bottom of the sea?

A start!