The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

Did you know that there is actually an openly gay government legislator? Sometimes I think the whole Unites States is one big joke, and the punch line will be a great big fire that will destroy everybody and everything. Terrorists, some of us are counting on you.

On TV they have these guys called "terrorism experts". But you can take a second look at him and know that he is not a terrorism expert. He obviously works in an office and wears a suit, that’s bullshit.

The biggest cliché of all time has to be “the president is addressing the issue". Please what the fuck is he addressing, it conveys no fucking detail

Perhaps the biggest cliché of all time has to be "I would just like to put it behind me".

Why the fuck is it called a demilitarized zone?

Some times I think about how I can change the world only for me to meet my next door neighbor that same day

 

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Gary Glitter comes home to find his girlfriend furiously packing her bags ready to leave him. He asks her whats wrong? She replies that she has been reading the newspapers and that she wanted nothing to do with a peadophile!!!!
Gary Replies "Peadophile?, thats an awfully big word for an 8 year old!!!!"

 

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But I say, My dog is going crazy

One day I caught my dog in the kitchen licking his balls, you know, nice long loving strokes. I told him to stop, instead he told me I was carring a lot of negative energy. What is the world coming to?

 

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What do you call a dog with 5 dicks

Lulu and Take That

 

"Welcome to the state psychopath institute of New Mexico. Let me show you around. Over here is Benny, Benny is fuckin nuts. He's been banned in more than 200 public joints in the city of Albuquerque alone, he's mother disowned him when he was 7, and he is not allowed to be with himself for more than 2 minutes at a time, there is no end in sight to him. He's been here now going on two years. Over here is Pamji Ramsey, an Indian mathematician, or should I say what's left of him. He is a real psychopath, we have absolutely no idea what's wrong with him, and In fact I will advice you not to look at him directly in the eye. He is fond of pulling his prick and picking his ass hole. Word on the street is that he tried to solve too many mathematics equations. A real bonafied fuck bag. As we say here "there is no end to his equation". He's been here for 10 yeas now. And here is the psycho, Carlos. Let me just tell you… Carlos is the epitome is crazy, straight out fucking nuts, if there is anything worse than crazy its Carlos. We have no idea what's wrong with him, he is so dangerous that whenever any of our experts study him for too long they show signs of psychosis themselves. We have no idea what's wrong with him; nobody goes within 3 meters of him as it's not advisable. He's case is also kept classified with the good folks at NASA. We feed and bath the bastard with those 30 foot poles on that wall. See now?"

 

"We are now seeing live pictures of what seems to be God descending down on earth. A truely historic event folks. Over now to our senior religion correspondent Cris Seawater"

"Thanks you Robert. I am here live with God, Yes God the lord and master of the universe. Over now to God and ask him a few questions. God, why now?"

"Someone had to do something about them high gas prices, spells are costing far more than usual to make"

 

Ladies and gentlemen I am here with Angel Timothy, yes its a real plesure

Roberts: What's heaven like?
Tim

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retty cool, not so much worries like over here but the politics drives us crazy at times.
Roberts: politics?
Tim: Yeah. You see we have the left and right wing called pro human and pro law respectively. You can imagine what they represent. We have a complete political system with lobbyist, special interest groups and all. I am a pro human, my father is as well and he was a very descent fellow.
Roberts: I see..and what do you deliberate over?
Tim: we argue over topics like
"whether or not the world should end"
"why the fuck are humans important anyway"
"Why we should heal or off a muthafucker"
"Natural disasters"
...you know stuff like that
Roberts: I see..pretty lofty issues there. So what about the devil is it true?
Tim: Ah the whole thing started over popularity against God, Lucifer is very intellgent and charismatic and some of us liked him, God got a little jealous though he also liked him but won't admit. The problem with Luci is that he was too smart for his own good, he always thought the whole earth should be destroyed for a newer better model. He was quite a scientist, in fact he had a huge role in the manufacturing. The next thing you know he had a rift with Jah himself. He later formed his own minority party, kind of like the Green party in America. A few followers but nothing real significant. He absconds from heaven from time to time but he always comes back. Kind of like how a child runs away from home to join the drug culture.
Roberts: Is the world going to end at the moment?
Tim: No one really knows, that bill has remained in the senate for thousands of years. But if you aks me God usually does what he likes anyways, he and his wife Cleo
Roberts:Cleo?
Tim: Yes. Don't be fuckin stupid. Didn't you know its virtually impossible for something to survive alone? He has a whole family complete with grandparents who's elineage can be traced to Andromeda.
Roberts: Eh.. what about the arc angels? What's their role in all this
Tim: That title is purely ceremonial, though they won't admit it themselves. One time an angel brought this up on arc angel Michael only for the arc angel to run him over with his Hummer. But the reality is that its purely ceremonial kind of like Queen of England.
Roberts: I see. Remarkable. You mentioned special interest groups...
Tim: Yep. Lobbyists are dead human ass holes who come to the courts in huge groups lobbying for certain things. One time I was playing solitaire on the networks when a group of about 500 deads came over to the counter begging for us to revive Linol Richies career. Its pathetic. Special interests are humans who usually ask about stuff about the universe and whether or not they can intervine by going there. Earth is not our only colony you know. We had to make the requirement harder as one time we gave a human permission to andromeda only for us to find contraband goods buried in his asshole at the galaxy port.
Roberts: Do you guys know what life is and where God came from?
Tim: As angel gabriel puts it "there is a little bit of God in all of us". To be perfectly honest with you we have no freakin idea. Angels have been thrown down from heaven for making up theories that God did not like. Like I said everybody is cool in heaven
Roberts: why black people?
Tim: We have black angels, everything comes in different colors. My main concern is the Austrailian aboriginals. Have you seen those fuckers? They look very perculiar to me personaly. I don't trust them.
Roberts: Finally is there a hell?
Tim: No thats just a way to keep people in line. As soon as someone is sentenced to hell he is usually let out to paradise on probation after a few months. Very rarely do people stay in hell for long. Paradise is really a city we put together ourselves, it comes with opulent ammenities including my favorite...the theatre. There you and everybody can watch your pathetic life unfold in its entirety.
Roberts: thanks for the interview. Before we go who is your least favorite human?
Tim: Most us you are straight fucking weird but I'd say Donald Rumsfeld. Does he look like someone you can trust? Thanks for the interview.Anytime. Be good. Now I have to go

 

George Bush and Tony Blair are having some high-level talks in the back room of The White House. In walks Laura Bush.
"Hello boys, what are you two scheming about now?" she asks.
"Well honey, we're about to carry out plans that will ensure the deaths of 100 million Muslims and one dentist." says George W.
"One dentist? Why one dentist?" asks his missus.
Blair pats Bush on the back and says "See, George? I told you no one would give a fuck about the Muslims!"

The Flemster.

 

An ex-prostitute is getting on married. As the couple get into the honeymoon bed she starts to worry about the size of her well-worn cunt. She tells her startled hubby she caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he asks "Just how far across this fucking field were you before you realised it was caught?"

The Flemster.

 

My dick's so big that it's got its own dick, and even my dick's dick is bigger than your dick.

 

whats the fastest vehicle on land? stevie wonders speedboat.

 

simon weston is organising a reunion of all burns victims from the falklands war. for more info, go to www.friends re-ignited.com.

 

whats silver,2ft tall and stands at the end of an 8 yr olds bed? gary glitters boots.

 

A farmer is loking really pissed of in his local pub when his friend asks him whats wrong." i cant get the bull to mate with the cows" he says.his friend says "well i have a tip for you.when you get home,rub your hand over the cows cunt and smear it over the bulls nose and he will fuck them senseless. so the farmer goes home and does as his friend says and sure enough,the bull is fucking everything cow in site. so the farmer thinks" if it works for the bull,then ill try it on the wife tonight".so that night while his wife is asleep,he slides into bed and rubs his hand over his wifes cunt and smears it over his nose.he gets a raging hard on and then nudges his wife in the ribs and says "take a look at this" .his wife switches the lamp on,turns round,looks at him and says" you woke me up just to show me you have a nose bleed."

 

have you seen stevie wonders missus? neither has he.

 

an irishman is walking down the street one night when a pro says to him " do ya fancy a bit of that" and lifts her skirt up to show crotchless panties and fanny." fuck that" says the paddy " have you seen what its done to your knickers".

 

apparently, all the kids in vietnam are going round singing " do ya wanna be in my gang,my gang, my gang,"

 

one good thing came out of christopher reeves death. stephen hawking got his parking space back.

 

I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's death.
But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous
Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his
final breaths.

 

Whats the deal with this assholes that can't take the subway on any descent time without weraing an ipod. The whole thing is pretentious and obnoxious. Just what I need in the morning, some fuckbag listening to music and noding his head. They can't stand a little eye contact so they have to escape reality by listening to music for the short duration of the ride. The ipod thing used to be cool but its now so unoriginal and common. A special breed of this pretentious dissociates are the ones that play their music so loud you can actually hear it lound and clear, and its usually nothing but those media laden hip hop or new age crap. Two girls tried to be cutesy one time by sharing an ipod, you know, one ear piece for each girl. Aren't you guys tired of these fuckers yet? These ipod nation turds?The next person to bore you with another ipod should be stabbed in the eye. Grow up mutherfuckers!