The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

Discussion in 'The Cesspool' started by The Flemster, May 10, 2004.

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  1. The Charmer Registered Member

    A plane carrying students who have been apple-picking in the south of France has been diverted to New Orleans.
    It's to assist with the blackburrying.

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  3. Solve Banned Banned

    I would but i'm all out at the moment XD
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  5. The Charmer Registered Member

    Someone save this cool thread!

    I'm all out of sickfuck jokes at the mo...
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  7. john smith Tongue in cheek Registered Senior Member


    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time.

    The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he''d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

    That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I''m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!"

    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl''s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

    The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"

    pretty shit, but keeps the thread goin...

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  8. Roman Banned Banned

    If a tree falls in a forest, and kills a mime, does anyone care?
  9. If a man talks in the forest and no woman can hear him

    is he still wrong?
  10. why are there only 2 pallbearers at a blacks funeral?

    - there's only 2 handles on a garbage can...
  11. john smith Tongue in cheek Registered Senior Member

    Heres a couple, not at all offensive....but good for a laugh(or not!!)

    Q.What did the grape do when it was trodden on?
    A.Let out a little wine!!!!!

    Q.What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

    Goddammit, iv been eating to many 'penguins'.
  12. cat666 Registered Member

    Fucking great post, had to register just for this post. Anyway heres a few jokes:

    Q - Why shouldn't you take the piss out of a dyslexic dwarf?

    A - It's not big and it's not clever

    Q - Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

    A - He sacrificed his mum to Santa

    Q - Did you hear Ikea are opening a store in Pakistan?

    A - Apparantly they have loads of flatpacks to get rid of

    Q - What do you say to a Paki at Xmas?

    A - A pint of milk, a loaf of bread and 20 Benson & Hedges please.

    Q - What do you call a Transit Van with 2 Paki's in, falling off a cliff?

    A - A waste of space, you coulda got at least 20 in that van!

    Q - What does the average Paki weigh?

    A - Sweets

    Q - What do you call a Paki between two houses?

    A - Ali

    Q - Why are there no Pakistani Footballers?

    A - They can't resist setting up shop when they get a corner!

    Q - Why can't you drink tea at Old Trafford?

    A - All the cups are in London and all the mugs are in the stands

    I love dead celebrity jokes too, hear are my favorites

    Q - What was the last thing that went through Rod Hull's mind when he fell?

    A - The conservatory

    Q - Why doesn't Emu need Viagra?

    A - Cos now his Rod his permenantly stiff

    Q - What do Rod Hull and Emu have in common?

    A - Neither could fly

    Q - What's the difference between Vanessa Feltz and Rod Hull's roof?

    A - One is big, hard to get on top of, and covered in green slime, and the other is Rod Hull's roof

    Q - What will it take to get a Beatles reunion?

    A - 2 Bullets

    Q - Whats red and gathers dust?

    A - Jill Dando's passport

    Q - What do the Kosovo War and a bullet have in common?

    A - Jill Dando couldnt stop either

    Q - What's the difference between Jill Dando and Danny Baker?

    A - Danny Baker passed the doorstep challenge.

    Q - Did you know Princess Di had dandruff?

    A - They found her head and shoulders in the glove compartment

    Q - Why did Elton John sing at Princess Di's funeral?

    A - He was the only queen who gave a fuck.

    Q - Did you hear Elton John is doing a tribute to Mother Theresa?

    A - It;s called Sandels In The Bin

    Q - Did you hear Yasser Arafat was being buried in a Newcastle United top?

    A - Apparantly he wanted to be buried in the Gaza Strip

    Q - What do you call a dog with 5 dicks?

    A - Lulu and Take That

    Q - Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?

    A - Cos if it walked it would get mugged

    and finally a long one:

    Manchester United sign a talented young striker from Kosovo, he is on the subs bench for his first game. At 80 minutes into the match the score is 0-0 and Ruud Van Nistelrooy gets injured. Fergie has no choice but to play the Kosovan, despite having very little match fitness. However the Kosovan proves to be a blinding striker and scores 2 goals in order to win the game for United. After the shower the Kosovan rings his Mum to tell her of his great news. 'Mum, listen I just scored 2 goals in 10 minutes, I'm a hero!'. The mum replies 'that's great son, but I have some bad news for you. Our house was robbed and then torched to the ground. Your father was shot in the face and your sisters raped. And as for me, I didnt even want to move to fucking Manchester!'

    Someone post some more Pakistan Earthquake jokes.
  13. mountainhare Banned Banned

    Question: "How do you know when the British are coming?"
    Answer: "You see the French running past you."

    As Basil Brush would say, BOOM BOOM!
  14. truelight Guest

    what did jesus said when he saw all of this people in hell

    back then didn't want your hot you all over me!!!!!
  15. Roman Banned Banned

    I love jesus cause he's hung like this [hangs arms out].
  16. When's the only time you wink at a nigger?

    (Holds shotgun up, and closes one eye to aim)
  17. leopold Valued Senior Member

    a black man was walking along the beach one day and seen a beautiful white woman laying there getting some sun and started thinking hmmm i sure would like to be white and laying between her legs and god snapped his fingers and turned him into a kotex
  18. Rappollo Guest

    Someone asked for Pakistan earthquake jokes...

    NEWSFLASH: 50,000 dead in Pakistan earthquake, an EU crisis meeting took place today. Germany are going to provide food relief, France medical aid. Britain will send replacements.

    NEWSFLASH 2: Reports say the stench from the thousands of bodies in Pakistan is unbearable. Police say its likely to get worse now there are dead ones

    Whats the difference between a Pakistani wedding and a 69?
    You only have to kiss one smelly cunt with a 69!

    Why does a bride always wear white?
    Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and the fridge

    What do you get when you cross a pig with a nigger?
    Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

    Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead nigger in the road?
    A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

    And one inspired by all the 6 year old kid jokes:

    Q: Whats the funniest part of raping a little 6-year old nigger girl?
    A: Giving her AIDS
  19. The Charmer Registered Member

    "Q - Did you hear Elton John is doing a tribute to Mother Theresa?

    A - It;s called Sandels In The Bin"

    Now THAT'S funny!

    Here's another Paki Earthquake one:

    It's bad enough the niggers in New Orleans now have swimming pools on every street but now the pakis in Pakistan have Sky in every room!
  20. Amo Guest

    I heard Tarantino is making a new film about the New Orleans disaster. It is going to be called Reservoir Wogs.

    The England Cricket Tour of Pakistan will go ahead dispite the recent earthquake. A spokesperson has said the pakis will dig a team up from somewhere.
  21. Vontex Guest

    What do you call a paki with a wooden leg?
    Shit on a stick

    What do you call two pakis in a sleeping bag?

    Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
    Because it had down syndrome

    Why did the Jews spend 40 years in the desert?
    One of them lost a quarter

    What do you say if you see your TV floating in the middle of the night?
    Drop it nigger
  22. Vontex Guest

    Whats blue and fucks old grannies?
  23. cat666 Registered Member

    Q - What's the difference between a queer and a microwave?

    A - A microwave doesn't brown your meat!

    Q - What do Essex girls use for protection?

    A - A bus shelter
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