The DOs and DON’ts of Sex in 2012

Discussion in 'Science & Society' started by KilljoyKlown, Jun 11, 2012.

  1. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    I found this list of questions and answers and am interested in the opinions of the forum members. Do you have any problems with any of these answers?

    It's 2012 and things have changed. But don't worry, we've got you covered. Read on and be ready to enter the dating world in confidence.

    Is dating a coworker OK?

    “You should never date up or down,” advises Nan DeMars, a workplace ethicist in Minneapolis. “You could lose your job and face legal ramifications.” If you’re equals, it’s OK as long as you’re professional (don’t get hands-y at the copier). But proceed with caution: If the relationship goes south, the fallout could be epic.

    Do I have to tell my husband I had lunch with my ex?

    We know it’s easier not to, but yes. “My rule is, don’t do anything you can’t tell him about,” says Mira Kirshenbaum, author of I Love You but I Don’t Trust You. “These things have a way of coming out, and even if what you did was innocent, the hiding will make it seem anything but.”

    If a guy goes down on me, do I need to reciprocate?

    “A blow job is never an obligation—only return the favor if you want to,” says Christi, 34, of Knoxville, Tennessee. “If he pushes your head down there, that’s just rude!” Logan Levkoff, Ph.D., a New York City sex educator, concurs: “Sex should never be tit for tat, though generally things should even out.”

    Is it ever OK to read my boyfriend’s/husband’s Gchat, Facebook, and email?

    “In a word, no—at least not without his explicit permission,” says Karen Stohr, Ph.D., a senior research scholar at the Kennedy Institute of Ethics in Washington, D.C., and author of On Manners. “It doesn’t matter whether we’re talking about texts, instant messages, emails, or personal letters, you owe it to the guy to respect his privacy.” Even when you sense he’s been dishonest and deserves a little CSI, think twice before you stoop to his alleged low. “If you have a reason to be suspicious,” Stohr says, “ask him about it straight-out.” Still want to snoop? “Know going in that he may find out and you’ll have to deal with his mistrust of you,” cautions Kirshenbaum.

    Do I have to be cool with his porn? It’s skanky.

    Strap-on orgies? Kinky army nurses? It’s amazing what some guys find wank-worthy. His fantasy world is probably just an escape, says Levkoff, but if the nature of the images bothers you, say so: “Ask him why he wants to watch porn, but also ask yourself why you’re insecure about it.” Do you worry that you’re not enough for him? That he’s thinking about being unfaithful? Talk it out.

    Can I fudge my online-dating profile?”

    “People lie about their height, weight, and age in epidemic proportions,” says dating coach Evan Marc Katz, author of Why He Disappeared. “You’ll never see a 5’6” man online, for example; they’re always 5’9”. But I don’t condone it.” Given the way many dating sites are set up, however, Katz says it’s not terrible to shave your age from, say, 30 to 29 so your profile shows up in an “under 30” search. He just urges you to tell the truth in your longer profile. Adds Janelle, 32, of Atlanta, “If you fudge your info, you’re not just wasting other people’s time; you’re wasting yours.” When she met her husband online, he knew from the beginning that she was into cheesy eighties music, sarcasm, and sushi—and was an agnostic. “We got to skip that awkward ‘So, uh, do you go to church?’ conversation,” she says. “If you want a serious partner, you should be as honest as possible.” And especially when it comes to your picture, don’t mess around. “Using an old photo is misrepresenting yourself,” Katz says.

    Should I tell my sex partner that I have HPV?”

    Obviously yes if you have genital warts, but what about the kind of HPV that just shows up on an abnormal Pap? Still yes, doctors say. You owe it to your fellow women! “The first time you’re having sex with someone, you’re not thinking about his next partner,” points out Katharine O’Connell White, M.D., an assistant professor of obstetrics and gynecology at the Tufts University School of Medicine in Boston. “But he can pass it on to her, and this is the type of HPV that causes cervical cancer.” And don’t be embarrassed: With 80 percent of adults estimated to get HPV in their lives, “it really is the new normal,” says Dr. White. Have a low-key chat—before any clothes come off—and always travel with a condom.

    Is it right to sleep with a guy who’s into me—but whom I’m not into?

    This one gets a yes(ish). “Women are certainly entitled to have sex for the sake of having sex,” says Levkoff. “But you need to be thoughtful.” Just make it clear up front that you want to only be friends with benefits. Here’s how, says Amy Levine, a New York City-based sex coach: “During a casual conversation, tell him you’re not looking for a relationship right now; you’re all about having a good time and living in the moment.” He should pick up on the encoded “You’re not going to be my boyfriend, OK?” To be sure he does, continues Levine, “look him in the eye and say, ‘Are you cool with that?’” If he clearly gets it, game on. If he looks crushed, run, warns a 35-year-old reader from Huntington, New York. “I once had a fling turn into a Stage Five Clinger—sending flowers, showing up at my office. The only way to get rid of him was to be mean, which I hated. I can still see his face when I told him he wasn’t my type and never would be.”

    What are the rules for setting up my friends?

    Tread lightly here, says Stohr, who suggests reading Jane Austen’s Emma for some old-timey matchmaking mishaps (in a pinch, rent the Gwyneth movie version). Once you’ve helped your friends connect, your job is over. “Don’t share gossip, take sides, or run interference,” Stohr says. “Exerting too much influence is disrespectful and might damage your friendships.” Lucy, 33, of New York City, who has set up several friends, never breaks this rule: “I only share nice details about the other,” she says. “They can find out the rest from there.”

    http://living.msn.com/love-relationships/love-sex/the-dos-and-donts-of-sex-in-2012?ocid=todlf11#1
     
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  3. Buddha12 Valued Senior Member

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    The golden years have come at last,

    i cannot see, i cannot pee

    i cannot chew, i cannot screw

    my memory shrinks, my hearing stinks,

    no sense of smell, i look like hell,

    my body's drooping, got troble pooping.

    The golden years have come at last,

    the golden years can kiss my ass
     
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  5. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    Does that mean your not up to relating to any of these questions?

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  7. seagypsy Banned Banned

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    I completely disagree with the professional answer here. I think it is extremely unwise if not unethical. Even if you tell someone you are only wanting meaningless sex, and the other person agrees, who's to say he/she isn't fooling him/herself or fooling you. I have known girls and guys who think they can woo a guy through sex. They honestly believe if they just put out that he will fall for her. And if it doesn't work they just keep trying. If it still doesn't work they try guilting the other person into loving them back. If that doesn't work then they try to ruin the reputation of the other person by telling people they were used, and even sometimes stalk them, running off any of their future romantic prospects. Some lonely people can be freaking insane sometimes and you should never put yourself in a position like that. There are "professionals" you can pay for meaningless sex. It may be illegal in most states but there are places where it is legal. The other option is NSA stranger sex. Hell pick someone up at a bar and don't give them your real name. Insist on protection and be done with it.

    I personally do not believe in having meaningless sex and find it appalling but to each their own. If this is something they feel they need there are ways of doing it with little risk to yourself and others.
     
  8. billvon Valued Senior Member

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    12,806
    Yes - too many rules! Too many people overthink this stuff. Be honest with people, don't be afraid to ask for what you want and don't tie your self-esteem to others opinions of you. Use protection and make good choices. And if it doesn't work out - at least you tried.
     
  9. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    6,493
    I would say if it's somebody you've known for awhile your answer is right on. However some people can deal with "friends with benefits". But then how can you determine if the other person is a good candidate for that type of hooking up?

    Personally I start off being kind of picky about whom I am willing to have sex with, so if the sex is good and repeatable, I have a tendency to become attached and breaking up or I suspect she has other friends with benefits. I will not not be very happy with my situation.
     
  10. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

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    24,690
    Of course it is. Most Americans meet their future spouses at work. After all, we spend more time at work than on any other single activity--even, for many of us, if you count sleeping as an "activity." It's a perfect place to meet real people, as opposed to the fictitious people they become after a couple of drinks with friends. They're not putting on their best face to impress you. You see how they solve problems, how they react to stress, how they deal with people they like and people they don't, how responsible they are, whether they can be cooperative and when they take charge, as the occasion merits. These are exactly the things you need to know about your prospective spouse. Of course you still might not be compatible but you'll find that out rather quickly when you invite her to the symphony and she goes "eww."
    Yeah sure, in a perfect world with perfect people. Executives have been dating and marrying their secretaries since the job of secretary was created.
    Friends are supposed to be honest with each other. Spouses are supposed to be held to an even higher standard than friends. The only secrets they should have from each other are things that are 100% in their heads, seeking the advice of an honest friend, or planning a birthday party. They must absolutely keep each other informed of things that might have an impact on their relationship, such as keeping in touch with an old flame. After all, why would you bother keeping that a secret? It automatically begins to look like cheating.
    Exactly.
    Boyfriend? Maybe not. Husband? Yes, unless he's working on a top secret government project. Of course spouses are expected to respect each other's privacy. We use snarky language with our friends and say things we wouldn't say to our spouse. But you should know each other's passwords in case an emergency comes up and you need to know what she's been doing and where she's been so you can help the police find her. But sure, if you routinely read your spouse's e-mail then you've got a problem: a trust issue. And for the goddess's sake the same applies to you: if you're reading your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse's e-mail, you have to tell them so. As for Facebook, hey if you're married to somebody the least you can do is consider them a "Friend"!
    I suppose that statement is, technically, correct. But if you trust somebody enough to marry her, then you should trust her enough to give her permission to read your e-mail, and trust her enough to know that she won't do it except in an emergency when it could be a matter of life and death, or maybe qualifying for a mortgage.
    A character in a comic strip was recently lamenting the fact that a lady he met online stated her weight as "average." Then they met in person and he discovered that she was actually at least 30lb overweight. He said, "I was just on the verge of dismissing her as a liar, until I suddenly realized that in America, 30lb overweight is average."
    When you have sex with somebody you're having sex with everybody they've had sex with. So yes, you need to tell him/her about HPV.
    Tough question. But ultimately you have to allow everyone to make their own decisions about how they live their own life. So tell him and leave the choice up to him. He may derive so much joy from being able to have a close relationship with you, even if it's not love and even if it's not long-term, that he's willing to put up with the pain of breaking up. After all, statistically most relationships break up anyway, so what's the difference? People marry without love all the time, because there's something else they need more than love and they can get it from that particular marriage. Sure, maybe it's money. So what? Money is really important.
    Unless this is a friend whom you have dated yourself, or whom you have known since you were kids, it's very unlikely that you know them well enough to know what they need/want/tolerate/expect in a romance. So introduce them, but don't get pushy. If it goes horribly wrong you don't want it to be your fault.
     
  11. R1D2 many leagues under the sea. Valued Senior Member

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    2,301
    I like billvons answer. Be truthful an be honest

    - also sleeping or dating someone you work with I don't feel is 100% right.
    I at one time expressed my feelings with a co worker an ended up hurt. An lonely. An soon after she quit.
     
  12. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    6,493
    But, let's face it, you win some and lose some. But what Fraggle said is also true. I truly believe a good match is where ever you can find it and some people never really have much time outside of work. What would you have them do? Go without or take a chance and maybe get hurt, Oh! you can get hurt outside of work to.
     
  13. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

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    My partner and I use the same email account though she has a few others and apart from her work one I either can or COULD get in to them if I had to but I have no desire to (apart from the one of hers I'm using as a PSN email account)
     
  14. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    6,493
    But then your not suspicious that she's messing around under the table are you. That's good, but not everybody lives in a trusting world or they just can't live without making up drama.
     
  15. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

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    If you have to start sneaking an investigating your partner your relationship is already over and the only difference is wether it's them cheating or you being a sneak which is blamed. You think you can go to your partner and say "hey I thought you were cheating but when I snuck through all your stuff I found out you weren't so it's all great right?". If your at that point when you don't trust them walk away because wether they actually are or not is irreverent after that
     
  16. R1D2 many leagues under the sea. Valued Senior Member

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    My wife knows my e mails an passwords. I know hers to. But we don't access the others accounts without permission. She has ate with other guys an she knows I trust them, some are married. If I don't trust them she don't go. But a relationship is sorta like a dance. An you also don't want to step on your partners toes.
    Asguard you sound like you have a little good side to you too....
     
  17. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

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    24,690
    It's more important to trust her than to trust them. We all have a few friends (of both sexes) with whom we wouldn't co-sign a car loan, or whose commitment to "safe sex" we doubt. Okay, so these aren't the friends we would count on in an emergency, but still we get something from the friendship that's worth rolling our eyes two or three times during every lunch. Our spouses need to trust our judgment.

    Some people are cursed with being so attractive and having such naturally pleasant personalities that everyone they meet falls in love with them, or at least lust. If we're the lucky person who got to marry one of those people, we can't punish them by not letting them have too many friends because we don't trust the friends.

    I know a lady like that, who almost literally stops traffic. She has a boyfriend who, by many measures, is maybe not the world's best. But he trusts her and for her that is a deal-breaker.

    We don't let children have 100% of the decision about who their friends are because we know that by definition, children don't have such good judgment. But we can't treat our spouses that way. If we don't trust their judgment (except in the tiny ways we all screw up like being sure that the cops have already patrolled this block so it's okay to overstay the parking meter) we shouldn't marry them.
    And every dance is unique. You can't look at the way another couple relate to each other and criticize it--assuming that it doesn't involve bruises, etc.
     
  18. R1D2 many leagues under the sea. Valued Senior Member

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    2,301
    OH! How have I trusted HER. AN her ME. We have both taken chances with each other aswell.

    She's from down south an me from up north. Lots of diffrences.
     
  19. R1D2 many leagues under the sea. Valued Senior Member

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    2,301
    An she is older than me..
     
    Last edited: Jun 12, 2012
  20. Syzygys As a mother, I am telling you Valued Senior Member

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    12,671
    My favorite one:

    "“Ask him why he wants to watch porn,"

    Because he is a man! And this is the internet with limitless possibilities.... Also, chances are he is getting less sex than he wants to...
     
  21. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

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    I was actually thinking about this at work, and I remembered something I had compleatly forgotten. PB has a folder on her desktop called "***'s keep out" (we both use the same computer and apart from needing different logins for iTunes so it doesn't make all our phones the same we just use whoever is currently logged in. Now I bugged her incessantly for about a week about what was in that (because I was curious and then because it annoyed her

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    ) but I was never tempted to look. As i said, if you don't trust the person, leave.

    The same goes for friends, her parents went nuts at her because she was going to NSW with a guy and were going to sleep in the same room to save money. Now sure I knew one extra fact which is that he is gay so hardly likly to be interested in anything else but even if he wasn't I trust her compleatly. It was quite funny and sad actually, everyone else (her parents, her friends) was more worried about her cheating on me than I ever was
     
  22. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    There's a very thin line between unconditional trust & foolishness.:shrug:
     
  23. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

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    23,049
    Dude I trust her to follow what I want if I'm medically unable to make the decision myself and that will effect the rest of my life LITTERALLY. I think I think I can trust her in anything else which is FAR less important
     

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