the destructive instinct

Jesus Fucking Christ....Yorda...god I hope your not really a moderator.

This is a serious thread about someone who is contemplating taking their own life...and y'all are using it to bash each other.
This board is more fucked up than I thought.

Allisone,

I hope that you will blessed with peace soon. My offer still stands if you need someone to talk with.

Mac

 

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watch out, if you say something i don't like i might ban you forever. just kidding

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lol, yeah this is a fun msgboard. but chill, death is not such a serious thing, it's a wonderful experience, but only to the one who dies. even more wonderful would be if i could just cease to exist so i wouldn't need to write this BS

i know i may not sound so serious but i really hate life hahaha, i wish i would die, and i wish it a lot more than allisone mwahahaa

 

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This is not the place to seek advising, although one might ask what reason you placed it in General Science & Technology is, after-all it's not like you have a lightsaber or phaser to use

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I've read all your text now, and I feel I'm in a better position to advise you than anyone else. You see I'm like you, we are the same, I am however a man and you a female. That aside I realize just what you say to be true. I experience a feeling of wanting to live one moment, then the next not caring. At one point I desired to cease my existence but then I began taking Zoloft. This medication is quite effective on me and mostly just makes me feel normal, although I would still think about shooting people I hated :C~

At this point I am very sad, I do not want to go and work at this other store nearby, it's got alot of people and is always busy, I feel it would destroy my psyche to go work in such a place. You see the swinging moods we have are caused by a fracture within our psyche, normally people have a sense of identity that is very strong, even if they are stupid and a moron. As long as that psyche is intact things will be fine, they can cope with daily activities. When however that psyche isn't fully developed this is when the difficulties arise.

I concur with your statements that mental health facilities don't care about anyone, all they care about is keeping you alive. I was in one for a few weeks many years ago, it was really more like a vacation than treatment. They would have meetings with everyone, we'd talk, and they tried making us believe life is the answer. The trouble is when your psyche is fractured there is no life, and therefore you don't care about dying. I'm sure you realize by now you can be easily directed or given suggestions and will usually do them. People are often suggestable when they lack a sense of self.

What is the solution you ask? The first secret is to imagine what it might be like living in the past. I think about what living in the medevil times would be like, then I quickly begin to rethink how bad things are now. Back then you'd have no shower, no food (unless you caught it), no education, etc. Things certainly are better today if you view them that way. Give it a try, pick a time in the past, see how much better off we all are.

Sadly this trick works for awhile but then the effect subsides, its at that time you wanna die yet again. They term this the dark night of the soul, a time of pain. People sometimes say it's a good thing and helps you learn about yourself, unfortunately I am still within this dark night and see no way of escaping it.

Oh, btw people, sure she sounds poetic but it's just a result of how she is thinking, remember how good I am with poems? Well she's the same way, it's because we both are f'd up an lack a well defined sense of who we are. Onward now...

So anyways very soon I might need to quit my job, I am not socially good with things and if I were to go elsewhere it would be filled with people, etc. Here I am alone.

I've mostly been yapping generally but now let me analyze you correctly.

You are a female, you are depressed one moment then the next not. You see no reason to live because you lack a well defined sense of identity (as with all depressed people). You have a job and an apartment, but are lonely for friends.

I dear lady am a 26 year old virgin with 0 friends and I make 10.95 an hour. I have kissed a girl 1 time in junior high and then she began realizing how much of a freak I am. Now let me say, you are a woman, do you not have a better chance to live than I?

There is perhaps 1 thing I can say to help calm you right now, "Can a woman be anything more than a woman?" The answer is no, so keep being yourself as best you are able and live. Change is over-rated and when it does happen nothing really is changed to much, that's why depressed people don't get feeling better

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I suggest you think hard, 1st you're better than those fools who tried treating you. 2nd you know life sucks but if you're going to die eventually who cares if you live for awhile longer. 3rd Medications can and do help with relatively few side-effects, honestly side-effect could possibly be worse than death?

So yea get some medicine, try it out, calm down and think about how the past was alot worse (medevil times) and then consider you need to develop a firm sense of identity to keep from being suicidal. With a sense of self you will wanna live, believe me.

I can write more but am gonna read some Manga.

 

I actually agree with most of what he said.

As I understand it, your problem is in the 'right now', you have no real interest in the prospect of being "cured" of your horrible feelings years from now because what use is that if you feel you can't get through today.

Fact is, you won't be cured today. As far as I'm aware, there is no quick treatment to turn you into a happy 20 year old who thinks life is fantastic.

But what I'm assuming is that you DO want to be a normal 20 year old girl who's happy with life. It's just very hard to imagine that ever happening when you're facing such a huge chasm of depression. But regardless, it definitely is possible. It won't happen today and I can't say that it will happen soon, but you will certainly get to a place in your life where those bouts of depression will be gone. It may come about as you grow older; you may find a certain medicine that helps curb those tendencies and slowly weens it away, you never know. But it's attainable.

What you need to understand is that not doing anything about how you feel, right now, you will never get to that point in your life. You will continue to witness these up's and down's unless your mind begins to alter itself back to a normal state, which is possible, but do you really want to wait to see if that happens?

I would take the gentlemans advice above and find a medicine that works. You certainly don't want to be zonked out for years of your life but there is definitely a medicine out there that will help curb those awful feelings that come upon you. And that is what you need. You may get lucky and find one that takes those feelings away, others may just dumb it down but regardless life will be much easier to get through so you can one day be past this. I would advise doing research on the subject and talk to many, many doctors.

Point is, you could kill yourself and be relieved of your life's pain. As far as you're aware. People can give you their opinions on the afterlife, worst case scenario you're in an eternity of unbelieveable pain and suffering, best case is an eternity of wonderful bliss, and everything else in between being re-living life, nothingness, reincarnation, whatever. Fact is, noone knows. People have NO evidence to back up their thoughts on the afterlife. There is no emotion or word that we can express to even touch what life after death may be like. Using words like bliss, or hell, or wonderful or awful, these are all words tied of our world of being alive. Death is something entirely different and permanent and not something to be messed with until the absolute, definite appropriate time.

At times for you, death may seem like a way out of your pain. But if that's all you're going on, death is not for you. You are at no place to consider ending your life at 20. You may be in excruciating, crippling pain but unless it's happening 24/7 and you've tried every medicine, every holistic option, seen every doctor, exhausted every possible solution, death isn't even close to being your final option.

Sorry for being so long, but I really truly do wish you well. I think alot of time people forget the value of human life, even myself at times. You hear of death and it's so far around the world from you that you don't really realize the impact of such a thing. The horrible trauma it causes to so many people around or involved is such an awful thing to happen in this world. Death is truly not something you want. And it's truly not something the people involved in your life want. It may seem right at times but nothing is worth that.

Keep on truckin.

 

The worst thing about suicide is it's almost always the fact other people in the world have caused the pain. Life is hard enough as it is without people getting thier rocks off by hurting others mentally and emotionally, people like that make me very angry as they are a sorry excuse for life. Humans know the most dangerous thing to a person is another human. It's fucked up that people can hurt you and even damage you and sometimes on an everyday basis from just illtreatment and rudeness to ostracizement and onward. Unfortunately, this universe supports as much shit as well as good. Just have to keep cleaning your internal house(psyche, emotions and spiritual) all the time of the garbage and negativity those prevalent scummy people harass you with, where you lose a sense of yourself and lowered self-esteem because that's what they want to do.

 

Yes, first thee must have a psyche though, preferably one that's not damaged.

Did anybody wanna do anything Saturday cuz I'm all alone

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hahaha, your problems are nothing!!
who cares if everything sucks? you're all gonna die anyway.
think about me, i can never die and have to endure this shit forever

completely wrong. nothing is nobody's fault because no one chose to exist.

existence = pain
non-existence = bliss

don't be sad i'm your friend!!!!

 

That's so stupid and abstract, your post needs no explanation. To pretend people have no responsibility to themself or those in thier environment is like pure, unadulterated lying. You can stoop low by going too high and you've done it.

 

If I had a choice, I would have killed myself before I had time to write these words that you had no choice but to read.

It needs no explanation because it's a Perfect Irrefutable Truth. The reason it's Perfect is because you have no choice but to think it's stupid and abstract because you didn't choose to be born into an environment that programmed you to think Exactly that.

People have no choice but to think they have responsibility because they didn't choose to be so stupid that they can't understand that no one is responsible. But it doesn't matter what people do, because it doesn't even matter that it doesn't matter.

I have no choice but to believe that there is no choice, and if I choose to believe that there is a choice, I have no choice but to choose to believe that...

 

So, allisone, are you at a high or low right now? How long does it usually take between one point to the next? Also, do you know how long these mood swings have been taking place? I know that when I get miserable or depressed it takes a while to get out of that frame of mind. It seems to ruin my day, and even the things I like don't inspire happiness. It's hard to shake that feeling sometimes... but then as suddenly as it comes, the feeling vanishes.

I don't think I have a medical term for it like Bipolar Disorder, instead I just consider it to be depression (and I've noticed that knowing some of these medical terms make me think that I associate with them because the symptoms overlap in so many conditions). Did I read correctly that you have been writing your thoughts down for quite some time? Do you do this when you are happy, or just unhappy?

 

Been some days. Guessed she off'd herself.

...

 

sure you should want to live because you still dont know much about the universe. and aslong as there is more to learn you should strive to live.

because you are releasing your negative emotions wich brings you closer to positive ones.

many things are hard, everything shouldent be easy or we would all be weak. of mind body and spirit. you are stuck in a cycle of negative actions and reactions. you have to gradualy get yourself to turn around, start with a simple technique. for every bad thought you have replace it straight after with a good thought. that will even things out to start of with and restore your balence.

then move on to 2 good thoughts for every bad thought. along the way you will realise that positive things are better for you than negative. you will effect your entire life simply because of the way you think. for every bad thing that happens think of something good that came from it. no matter how small that good thing is think of it.

i have always said to people that heaven and hell are here on earth with us now. they are projected from within our own minds, i think you know this already, its a simple matter or our mental outlook on life and the universe in general. i can look at the same object as you. but we will see very different things. i would see the positive and you will see the negative.

find a "positive" outlet for your emotions, like martial arts. see i even view negative emotions as positive things. simply because i can gain from them and so can you. now obviously if negative emotions are positive to me then positive things are even better. use a form of martial arts to vent your anger and emotions in a constructive and productive manner. start small.


peace.

 

Yorda what are you trying to say? It seems in some parts you are contradicting yourself.

1. Death is not beautiful.
2. If you are not alive and is nothing, you experience nothing. You would never get to experience bliss. You would experience nothing.

 

Sounds perfect.

 

Death IS beautiful. Your molecules dissolve and alll your particles return to the universe. Parts of you go to the grass, the flowers and eventually back to the stars. Sounds pretty poetic to me.... :shrug:

It's an honor to be a part of this universe....

 

Actually having sex with an unlimited amount of hot beautiful women sounds even better. But that's not the point.

My point is if you are nothing you are nothing and you believe nothing is impossible so your stuck living forever. Which could be perfectly plausible it can not be disproved.

So do you want to feel nothing while your alive? Well now thanks to our great medical society(/sarcasm) you can. That's exactly what Bi-polar meds do to a person. It turns them into a emotionless zombie. You can try it and I can tell you 100% you wont like it.

You'll much like :m: which increases your senses. Making you feel more alive.

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All of what your talking about would seem meaningless.

 

If my life seemed so intolerable that I contemplated suicide, I would at least consider other drastic alternatives. For example:

• Turn any assets available into cash. Move to a new part of the the country, severing all connections with current friends, relatives, job, et cetera, becoming a homeless street person if necessary. Maybe a complete change of your environment will make life seem more worth living.
  
  
• Borrow money or sell assets to finance one last fling. There must be something you would like to do before you go. Maybe you might enjoy it enough to reconsider.

After trying some other alternative, you can still do yourself in.

Death is so final, and a short time after the funeral, nobody remembers or cares about you. I have known of teenagers who committed suicide leaving notes indicating that that they expected to be able to watch people feeling guilty about mistreatment of the deceased. Nobody ever acknowledges any blame for a suicide.

Remember that death is a final undoable condition. Once you do it, there is no turning back.

 

I already told you that your ridiculous abstraction serves to just further miss the point, you might as well say one and one equals three. If you actually believed nothing mattered, you wouldn't say it "sounds good" to not feel anything, after all you say nothing matters period, making you a liar once again. You are being silly. To be alive is to be conscious is to have the power of choice, to be able to surmise the potential outcome and effects of those choices, have intent and motive and you ARE responsible for those choices AND they do and can affect others good or ill by them.

 

It doesn't matter that it doesn't matter.

I didn't choose to have the power of choice.