the destructive instinct

Allisone,

Here's what I discovered from personal experience....

Death is the easy way out. It's not worth it. Life is too interesting and things change, so whatever you are going through will eventually change. If you have mental illnesses, seek help as soon as possible, and live with someone who you deeply trust and that could help you, at least by being a companion (a pet may help too, as an alternative).

Yes, pets are always an excelent idea.

Anyways. It helps me to see life as this incredible challenge and I'm the protagonist of my story, always going through trials, tribulations and great adventures. Whenever something bad happen to me, I put in in the tapestry of my life and sew it with pride that I can endure and live to change the world, even if only one person at a time.

Be proud of your strenght. If you haven't killed yourself yet, chances are you won't, as long as you stand tall in your inner strenght. Be proud of your strenght- not everyone has it.


Oh, and please, never mix alcohol with drugs (specially cocaine). It's deadly.

Best wishes,
Nelson

 

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Ive suspected bipolar. But I dont want to be on meds anymore, or lithium, I've heard horror stories about side effects. Is there a natural source of lithium? (I suspect not, but its worth asking).

 

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Lithium is not enginnered, so there must a natural source for it...

 

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It seems quite a few of you have. Sometimes I find condolence in the fact that had I abandoned myself to a normal life, I wouldn't be so happy with my mind and curiosity and mental life. Being unique, gifted, if you will.

And I realize I'd rather be abnormal and extraordinary with all the 'problems' that come with it...the deep distress of knowing and feeling too much, the mania, the suicidal tendancies that turn my thoughts to the opposite poles of perception...It all colors my world so wildly.

I say this now. Right now, I'm about 3/4th up a hill. Later, when I fall again, I will only feel the pain, and nothing I've ever thought or felt will matter. I realize what everyone says. But they are only words, they just dont go through. Passion blocks out all Reason. And no one seems able to help. Next time I fall, I'll post how I feel and maybe someone can tell me whats going on.

 

I've kept a journal for years. I analyze and come to the same conclusions, and have found no answers.

The ways of managing it are very complex. It seems I could cut this part of me off, but I dont want to, because it feels like I need to do some justice for it. I dont know, its really confusing. Do I personalize it? Do I pretend its a dragon and slay it in my dreams? Or is it just lost, and I need to find it? I know these are all the questions I need to ask, but I have been asking. It drives me insane the multitude of answers...its like asking something as broad as "why is the universe?" It feels like there it has no answer, or that it has answer in itself.

 

Maybe its my fear of losing the other side, the high, the creativity, the ideas, if I try to reduce the amplitude of my cycles. I would stabalize, but would I lose the other part of me? It may be the price I pay, but each side wants to win. Everything is mediated by balence, the Force, Karma, etc...from suicidal to estatic...I dont know if I want to be normal. But I guess if I dont exist...See, this is really driving me insane. My answers all seem backwards.

 

But I dont want to eat rocks...I'm more of a mechanical physicist than a chemist, but isn't it a metal?

 

There's iron on beans, and you are not eating rocks when you eat beans, are you?

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Allisone! I suggest you burn your TV and then drop it from the highest cliff.

Then I suggest you turn off your radio, turn off your CD player, turn off your mind and go for a camping trip. Lay down and stare at the stars, then get in your tent for another nights sleep. Wake up the next morning with determination to save the only thing we have left: Planet Earth.

Some say life is pointless, and I often want to agree, but then I step back and look at how long it has taken for us humans to become self aware. Stuff like Stone Henge and other ancient observatories of the sky mark the time when humans began to become aware not only of themselves, but of the universe that created us. The Earth has been brewing self awareness through evolution for many billions of years and now that its finally created your just going to kill yourself and return to the nothingness from which you came?!?

Perhaps you need a change in your life? Then I suggest you take up some kind of political activist viewpoint in order to change your world for the better. You are a citizen of EARTH, I don't care what anyone says, you're bound to your consciousness and no one else can tell you how to live and who to pay taxes to, or what drugs to not take. If you're really going to kill yourself then I suggest you go find some MDMA (ecstacy) It's illegal, I know, but you'll take it and suddenly you'll feel more love for the Earth, more love for humanity, more love for life. Don't take it all the time, do it ritually, take it with purpose to feel the love that the universe has to offer.

This may sound strange. And there is an old saying "Often the truth is stranger than the lies"

If you feel death is your way out, then perhaps you should take a gamble.

 

Allisone, Lithium is whats called a trace mineral, which means that the human body needs only tiny amounts...everybody, not just people with bipolar.

There are many essential trace minerals found in food and water, and no one can be healthy without them. Lithium is NOT meds. It serves a natural function in the human brain...you just dont have enough of it in your diet, or you need more than most people.

http://www.jacn.org/cgi/content/full/21/1/14

"Lithium is found in variable amounts in foods; primary food sources are grains and vegetables; in some areas, the drinking water also provides significant amounts of the element. Human dietary lithium intakes depend on location and the type of foods consumed and vary over a wide range. Traces of lithium were detected in human organs and fetal tissues already in the late 19th century, leading to early suggestions as to possible specific functions in the organism. However, it took another century until evidence for the essentiality of lithium became available. In studies conducted from the 1970s to the 1990s, rats and goats maintained on low-lithium rations were shown to exhibit higher mortalities as well as reproductive and behavioral abnormalities. In humans defined lithium deficiency diseases have not been characterized, but low lithium intakes from water supplies were associated with increased rates of suicides, homicides and the arrest rates for drug use and other crimes."

Now seeing as its difficult to know if you are getting enough, its problably best for you to take it in supplement form. Heres an example:

http://www.luckyvitamin.com/076280045994.html#

 

Ok, I'm back in the pit again, where my romantic notion of suicide is a viable solution as any. No words can bear me from this place. Usually I have to wait it out, but I hate to wait and do nothing...I'd rather rip myself from this whole cycle of mood and self and be farther away than anyone can reach me. I'm completely drawn to the idea. It is a deep indigo-black idea, streaked with purple and magenta. There are stars. I like the idea of my soul being thrown out into space, somewhere where I would never get in life. These thoughts make me so happy, even though I dont believe them. Its my own little world, where this pain can't hurt me anymore, because I either way, it wont be able to hurt me anymore.

 

Well, you could always start reading at the beginning of the thread again.

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Or do you want the people here to type all their advice all over again?

 

You should become a Poet. You would make a good one.

 

Good idea. Put your feelings on paper.

 

life sucks because i'm immortal in a world where 50% is heaven (good) and 50% is hell (bad), eternally.

the worst thing is that i have to hear the idiots in heaven telling me that hell is an "interesing" experience (of course it is when you look at it from your fuckin heaven >.<)

and the idiots go on saying that when we die we cease to exist when i know for a fact that i'm immortal in this hell.

everything changes forever. the eternal wheel of heaven and hell. change is the only thing that never changes.

(real heaven = non-existence, real hell = existence)

fuckin hell...

--
and i know from your heaven's viewpoint, you have to think "life is not so bad, it's cool, because if you think negative you go to hell". i try to do that but the fact is that if it was possible i would just snap my fingers and the universe would become heaven, but it doesn't work that way, the only thing you can do is wait until you're in heaven because you can't control life because it's like a movie but you have to say that you can control it because you can't control what you say either. who care

 

There's way too much to type out and so many variables. Most people hold back a little on a forum and nothing can be solved or even improved quickly. If you still feel down you can PM me for a chat if you need to.

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your supposed to make her want to live. not kill her with your philosophy.

go back to hell you little infidel

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. you know you can enter heaven when you like right? i can visit your hell to if i please. or if i am effected by the negatives.

peace.

 

Theres nothing romantic about mental illness...I'd take the shortest possible route towards getting it resolved.

 

please make me want to live so that i no longer need to write the bad/stupid thoughts which you call philosophy...

i can't go 'back' to hell because i'm always there... but when i write bad things i sometimes feel closer to heaven...

i'm in hell because i think bad thoughts right? and i can enter heaven/happiness by thinking good thoughts? but it's hard. so maybe if i eat a drug instead?

piece.