The Bible for dummies...

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Seattle, May 7, 2019.

  1. Seattle Valued Senior Member

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    I think Christians get a bad rap. People just don't understand the Bible.

    God is infallible, he knows all and can do anything.

    He created Adam and Eve as the first humans and told them not to eat the fruit from one tree. Eve, being the bitch that she was, did it anyway and spoiled it for the rest of us.

    God was pissed that he made a mistake and he kicked them out of their house (garden). Adam and Eve had 2 kids. A good one and a bad one. The bad one killed the good one and then went out in the world (Nod) and started a family with?

    The people of Sodom and Gomorrah were bad. They just liked sodomy too much. Even the 5 year old girls and boys. They were all bad. They had to go. God sent down a couple of goon Angels to kill everyone.

    Lot was the only good man in town, he put the Angels up for the night. Some men knocked on the door and said "give us your two guests so that we can sodomize them". I told you this was a tough crowd (but the story is very realistic you have to admit).

    Lot said, they are my guests but I'll give you my two daughters to do with as you like. He was a good Christian man after all. They said, "no, we want those two dudes". The Angels who came down to kill everyone didn't initially kill those men, they blinded them so that they couldn't find the door knob (again, you can't say that this doesn't make sense).

    Lot was allowed to flee, along with his wife and 2 daughters but they were told not to look back. That bitch of a wife looked back and was killed (turned in a pillar of salt). That's a tough punishment but the bitch got to learn. How many people do you know that were turned into a pillar of salt that didn't deserve it? None!

    God gets pissed often. He was tired of humanity again in the time of Noah. He killed everyone except Noah and his family and a bunch of animals.

    Fast forward and God is thinking "I might have a violence problem. I can't keep killing everyone if I want to be worshiped. It's just not good for business". He had a brilliant idea (and you can't really say that it wasn't).

    Everyone knows that God wears 3 hats. Just as some people are a son, a husband and a father, God was himself, his own son Jesus (aka Christ) and the Holy Spirit.

    Rather than kill everyone again, he decided to send himself (Jesus) down to Earth to be sacrificed (to himself as God) in order that he (God) wouldn't kill anymore people. It was his pledge to never wipe out everyone on Earth once he killed himself (Jesus) as a sacrifice to himself (God) so that God wouldn't kill everyone ever again.

    The Bible is pretty easy to follow if you just try folks.

    Just start with Genesis, on day one he created the heavens and the earth and the light. The light he called day and the dark he called night. How hard is this people?

    On the fourth day he created the stars, the sun and the moon. It may seem odd that it was light on day one but the sun wasn't created until day 4 but you have to remember that God is infallible as is the Bible, so this is exactly what happened.

    Just remember it's harder for a rich man to enter heaven than it is for a camel to pass though the head of a pin.

    I hope I've cleared things up for some of you.

    For those of you who might think I've been too hard of God, in his defense, you can only put up with so much before you have to act. I'm a nice guy, if someone is bothering me I generally just let it go but there's a point when the line has been crossed too many times, when I too, might have to smite thee. So we can give God a pass on some of this violence, it's only the Christian thing to do, don't you think?
     
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  3. Jeeves Valued Senior Member

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    Ah, but you forget! Most of the god you're talking about was Jewish. He actually had conversations with some of his chosen people - well, old guys - taught Abraham the badger game and instructed Moses' people to steal their neighbour's silver before killing their kids. A real hands-on kind of god.
    Then he converted and moved to the suburbs, joined an all-WASP country club and stopping answering his own phone.
     
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  5. Seattle Valued Senior Member

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    The Christians had their radical years (in the beginning). This is where they became popular for caring about the downtrodden, they were broke because they gave all of their money to the poor and eschewed luxury items.

    They said things like "if you judge your friends there is no room in your heart for love" and "more is accomplished with love than with judgment". They invited beggers home for dinner, treated them as just one of their friends rather than as a "project". These were people that no one had cared about before.

    Of course they soon moved on from this phase and having money is now great, that's what God wants for you, God wants the preacher to have a mansion and a private jet. Above all, God wants you to tithe 15% to the church (condsider the church your personal agent). Judgment is back and love in your heart is out.

    Christianity, it's a cyclical business I guess.

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  7. Jeeves Valued Senior Member

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    Like the stock market.
     
  8. Seattle Valued Senior Member

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    Christianity needs to be broken apart and repackaged like an under-performing asset. Get rid of the woo, no need for a God. "Christianity: the new philosophy". "Make your life better, help others".

    No more intolerance, bigotry, judgement. "This is not your father's religion". "This is your philosophy".
     
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  9. Write4U Valued Senior Member

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    A severely flawed asset needing a complete rebuild, IMO

    Of course one can model this type of philosophy after secular moral values, but like Solomon, Buddha, Mohammed, Ghandi, Lincoln, Jesus might take place among those moral leaders also.....

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    Last edited: May 7, 2019
  10. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    maybe... the human species has evolved to have an existential crisis which has de-programmed the primal domination drive to kill and dominate all other things around it...
    that existential crisis may be critically needed to develop its own reality as a "god area of the brain" where the lower animal drives are set aside as non compulsory realities.

    ... just postulating on this one, and it has no baring on my beliefs into various things though my beliefs are always open to change as facts become known... (as barack put it) strength is not the failure to change, it is the ability to evolve with gaining knowledge.
     
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  11. Jeeves Valued Senior Member

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    Don't be silly! That would require a huge investment of capital. Just put an "IMPROVED" label on and hire a different ad agency. Young, cute models doing lively dances, with their midriff showing. (Uh, no wait, that sounds like some girl who liked to be paid in heads....)
    And that sounds dangerously like [ptui, ptui!!] socialism.
    And you know what that means - comes Stalin, starving the Ukraine into submi.... Oh.
    Never mind.
     
  12. Write4U Valued Senior Member

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    You mean going back to the days of the Oracles?
    Even Stalin would have had to consult the Oracles, in those days.
     
  13. Write4U Valued Senior Member

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    I think that the animal drive is essential for survival, whereas existential advantages are a result of natural selection.
     
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  14. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    interesting
    maybe i should start reading on the history or existential crisis & the great scientists and see what correlations there are.
    very difficult to find data i should imagine.
     
  15. Write4U Valued Senior Member

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    What did she spoil for the rest of us? Our ignorance?
     
  16. Write4U Valued Senior Member

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    Not really, war has proven to be the mother of many inventions. Hitler gave us the VW!....

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  17. Jeeves Valued Senior Member

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    No, we're still in the bible. I mean Matthew 14: the daughter of Herodis vs John the Baptist.
    They all have more or less accurate biographies. It seem that, other than ordinary problems with money and women and ordinary frustration with the stupidity, obstinacy and prejudice of their contemporaries, most scientists seem to have been pretty stable, psychologically. Maybe not Newton.
     
  18. Seattle Valued Senior Member

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    As sinners we are now flawed, we get sick, we all have a death sentence, paradise is just the name of a vacation resort in the tropics...thanks Eve.
     
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  19. Seattle Valued Senior Member

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    Just like the space program gave us Tang. It's a very inefficient way to get there like using the military as a jobs program.
     
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  20. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    so i am wondering...
    maybe they had an existential crisis as a normal part of their early teenage development
    i am just postulating theories.
    maybe they are immune to existential crisis and the brain maintains a longitudinal sequentialised system of normalcy through formative primary cognitive growth critical stages.

    i wonder if any of them were malnourished as infants or children
     
  21. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    such blasphemy
    that is why pregnant women should stay locked indoors

    the good lord invented horses to be ridden side saddle for a reason
     
  22. Write4U Valued Senior Member

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  23. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    i have read a couple of notes somewhere that say stalin had several mystic advisers(visited one regularly and visited a few others)
    i have also read somewhere else that those mystic advisers only told him what he wanted to hear because they expected he would have them executed if they told him anything he didnt want to hear.
    They would talk to his other advisers to ask what he was wanting to know so they could all keep themselves out of the firing squad.
     

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