Swinging Lifestyle

cassidy.. everyone makes mistakes in life

..we've all made errors.. NO ONE is perfect.

if you can learn from your mistakes..then SOMETHING good has come out of the lesson.

don't be so down on yourself.

tomorrow is the past.. take that past..and just take the emotions out of it and throw those emotions away... this is the NOW..you take this NOW....and enjoy life.

you'll be fine.. in time you'll be fine.. i know it.

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I know what I am and I don't like it. Hopefully with some support from some non-judmental people I'll be able to change.

 

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Cassidy
Most probably you endeavored into that swinging lifestyle in the thought that may enriched your own relationship, when in fact it has triggered the worst side to it. The situation, as you described it, appears to be closer to the edge then anything else.
Your partner, without being self conscious, may have fallen into the vice of uncontrolled sexual physiological desires without necessary given much importance to the psychological need. He appears to suffer from a mental disorder, at times referred to as sexholic. As you are aware, this type of social disorders are taboo in our society, sexual compulsives in a similar manner as alcoholism, requires expert medical advice and are very difficult to be overcome by the patient on his own.

There are some organization ( I included some links) where you could turn for advices and guidance. Some use the religion as a basis, and others a more psychological approach. Depending on the awareness of your partner concerning possible counseling in managing his emotions and desires, it would be advisable to at least check what the problem is all about.

However, be aware that some of these organizations are monitored by opportunists that prey and take advantages of people suffering from this kind of disorders.

Good luck.

http://www.sa.org/
http://www.sca-recovery.org/
http://www.berks.com/12step/
http://www.sexaa.org/

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Just to reiterate what alice had written in her post:

You and your husband run the risk of obtaining a sexually transmitted disease. You should be at least concerned with your physical health.
From your posts it seems you are allowing others to use you for their desires. And your husband is using you as a bargaining chip to get what he wants, that is, sex from others.
Get your self-respect back. You are a woman with feelings, a mind, and needs of your own. Get back to the people who truly love you as a person and not as a plaything. Get help, get counseling, but for your own mental & physical health get some changes made, or get out of there.

 

Stop Bashing Cassidy and Swinging!!

First,

Morality is decided on a indivdual basis. What's moral for me might not be moral for you. Just becasue her husband wants to swing does not make him a bad person or husband.

Second,

Cassidy, you need to evaulate your reasons for feeling guilty. It seems most of your guilt stems from your past reiligous beliefs and i can relate to that. I use to think God was going to send me to hell for being a pothead until i examined what kind of being God was. Now i understand God in a whole new light and things like smoking weed, and pre-martial sex are no longer things i feel guilty about. I would love to tell you what i've learned but that would be another thread in the religion forum so instead i again urge you to seek an OBJECTIVE understanding of God, look beyond what the BIble says. God, nor do i thinks your a slut.

Third,

It seems that the real problem with your husband's swinging is moderation. Someone ealier said it may be a mid-life crisis and that's probaly correct. A comprimise needs to be made, a limit or set amount of actvities that you both feel comfortable with. If he or you cannot come to an a comprimse that you both feel is reasonable then you should start threatening to leave. And you should follow thorogh with your threat even if you know it's temporay.

Don't let these people on here make you or your husband out to be a terrible person. If he's truly a man worthy of your love then you'll be able to comprimise, and if not, then you can do better...you must believe that.

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Hi Cassidy...

The way you started, it sounded like something that started off as maybe something not too serious, maybe as a treat ofr your husband. but as time has progressed, it seems that while your husband has come to expect the lifestyle more and more, you were not expecting it to go this far.

It's obvious to us that your husband is hurting you, but does he know he is hurting you? Have you told him the damage that this is doing to you? If you haven't, then you must. You have to get it through to him, and if there is love left for you in his heart, he will surely react to that.

There's a saying, 'when there's always biscuits in the tin, where's the fun in biscuits'. Obviously your husband takes you very much for granted. I think you have to let him know that this can't carry on. You have to let him know that he can't have his cake and eat it.

The fact that he seems willing to sell your home just to get his kicks indicates that he does have problems. As Fraggle Rocker said, it's indicative of a mid-life crisis.

Don't accept this situation, Cassidy. Despite your experience with your ex-husband, you don't deserve this. I think you really need to talk to your husband, make him realise the pain you're going through, and make him realise it's all of his doing. If there is love in his heart, he could change; it's never too late.

If there's no lve left for you, then you should leave. It would be a difficult choice, but in the long run, it would surely be more rewarding. Not all men are bastards. there are good folk out there.

Good luck

Luke

 

Thank you

Thank you Microzoft for the websites, I intend on looking at them. Thank you SVRP for the concern on Std's. I'm very aware of how much we are at risk. I always insist on a condom. But sometimes I think my husband slips and well.... you know... he doesn't have very much control I guess. He always tells me he's used one, and I always try to keep an eye on the situation, but I do think there have been times when he didn't have one on.
Thank you MrHero. I know that God is a loving god, its just that I am so disappointed in myself and I know he must be also. God forgives all of us, it is sometimes harder to forgive ourselves. And thank you Blunther. I do try to communicate with my husband. he knows that I am unhappy with this situation but he still chooses to make "dates" every weekend with strangers. I've told him that I am willing to comprimise... that maybe we could do it once a month rather than the 6 or 7 times that he would like. Because personally I would probably only do it a couple times a year. You see..... Its not all bad. It can be fun, its just that it has taken over our lives. I miss having quiet dinners with him, and going to the movies, and doing special things with him. Thats what I miss the most. It is also very expensive, and by the time we spend money to meet someone at a restaurant or bar ever weekend, we do n't have extra to spend it on us. Its very frustrating. For now, I will do as I always have. which is to become distant... go into my own world, and try to figure out how to handle this situation. Its weird... but since we started this, I don't get enough sex er... um... sex with him either. I'm very frustrated. In all aspects of my life I am frustrated right now. I feel like such a whiner... and thats not how I am.... I am usually a very positive and happy go lucky person. Ugh.... Things have to change. I have to make things change somehow. Thank you all for writing to me. It helps to know that others feel the same way I do and that I'm not totally crazy.

 

Girl, I'm gonna be honest with you, since there's no point in lying.

You're have an inferiority complex. I mean, come on, talk about misforgiving, and self-shame. Your sooo weak. Why would you let a guy walk on you like that? YOu're just a body to him. Can't you see??Exactly like 21-25. Even though I think that everyone has positive qualities, I cannot evaluate your situation based on those. The only way to fix your problem is to present an ultimatum.

You love him, right?
> The question that stands between you two, and happiness then, is does he love you?

If he does, you will be successful in presenting the following ultimatum. -"You can have me, and ONLY me. I do not feel comfortable and am very unhappy with things at present. We might do your thing a couple times a year because I enjoy doing it. Orrrr...

I leave..."

Simple as that. Your happiness is paramount, and I can't for the life of me see why you'd be such a self-denier. If he doesn't care enough to make you happy, then why should you care enough to make him happy?

FRom what you've presented to me, I can say that I would have personally left ages ago, and have taken control by now. I'm not even being judgemental. You let yourself get in a shitty situation and now your taking a shit bath. The question is why???

 

You are right Elbaz, I let myself get into this siutaiton and now I'm taking a shit bath... I don't know why! I really dont! I mean when I first met him, he really was everything I wanted in a man. He was hardworking, gentle, kindhearted, generous, handsome. He really was everything to me. Once I moved here and started getting a hint of what was really going on I really wanted to make it work. I gave up an awful lot to give up so easy. Maybe it was pride.... The fact is, I'm here, and I really do care about this guy. Other than the swinging he really is a great guy. But he has a problem. And it is an obssesive problem. And I have a problem too because I don't know how to go about getting him help without wrecking our marriage. So I end up adding to the problem don't I? Whew.... I think I just saw a light bulb come on. I'm adding to the problem. Oh, I have to think about what I just figured out.

 

Very good, Cassidy, and the next thing to do is get your self-respect back. You traveled the distance to be by his side, a sacrifice on your part for him. Has he done any sort of sacrifice for you? You compromised to try to make a life with him happy and enjoyable according to his desires. Has he made any compromises for you?
What I read from your posts is that he appears to have an addiction to sex and the swinging lifestyle, and he is taking you along with him, assuming that you are enjoying it as well. You have to communicate your true feelings about this lifestyle to him, otherwise he will continue and leave you both bankrupt financially, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Please get professional help.

 

Cassidy
"I do try to communicate with my husband. he knows that I am unhappy with this
situation but he still chooses to make "dates" every weekend with strangers."

"I've told him that I am willing to comprimise (sic.)... that maybe we could do it once
a month rather than the 6 or 7 times that he would like."

"Because personally I would probably only do it a couple times a year. You see..... Its
not all bad. It can be fun, its just that it has taken over our lives."

"Its weird... but since we started this, I don't get enough sex er... um... sex with him either."

SVRP
"What I read from your posts is that he appears to have an addiction to sex
and the swinging lifestyle, and he is taking you along with him, assuming that
you are enjoying it as well."

Hey, SVRP ... Have you considered doing stand-up comedy?

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If she don't like it, why don't she leave?

 

On the outside it seems that simple Xev, but leaving someone is a lot harder i'm sure, from what i've heard. I think you should do what you want to do. Those around you can't decide for you, you need to make up your own mind for once. Break away from the standards your husband and those around you have branded upon you! Trust me, you'll be better off doing what YOU want. Life is to short to be miserable, everything will eventually fade, best to enjoy every moment while you can. Have faith.

 

Hello there my name is Donna I have been in it almost 3 yrs n like you I feel my husband wants every woman but me.
I don't know how to discourage him every time he says no more i find him secretely talking to another woman. He even brought home a yeast infection to me so it makes me winder what's next?
So I told him if that's what he wants no more sex because it's too risky for me.
So I'm not sure what him plans are grim here.

 

Mod Hat ― Closure and redirect

Yeah, this one probably should have stayed dead.