Swinging Lifestyle

Discussion in 'The Cesspool' started by Cassidy, Apr 4, 2003.

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  1. Cassidy Registered Member

    I have been in this swinging lifestyle for 3 years. It is crazy, but I do it for my husband. If it were up to me I'd only do it 4 or 5 times a year, or maybe not at all but there are some aspects of the lifestyle that are fun... Its just that my husband plans things every weekend with strangers so that he can have sex with strangers. I'm so disillusioned right now and just needed to put my thoughts down. I used to be a really good person. I used to have faith, a family who loved me, and confidence in my life. Now I just feel like the faith is gone, my family lives 2000 miles away, and with my husband wanting every woman except me... well you can see why I've lost all confidence in my life. It has not only put an emotional strain on me, but a financial strain on us. Going out every weekend to meet people to see if we are sexually attracted can be very expensive. He definitely has a problem, and when I mention that we don't have the money to go this weekend, he gets very upset and is ready to sell our beautiful home, to get what he wants. I really thought I loved this man but lately I am beginning to question that love. Its funny how life can change. I was married for 19 years to a good man who wanted me in bed always. He never wanted anyone else, and I unfortunantly didn't want him. Now I am married to man who doesn't want me in bed, but wants everyone else. Life sure has a way of coming back at you. Now I know how my x-husband must have felt when I didn't want him sexually. The difference is, I didn't want anyone else either. I guess the jokes on me.
    I am hoping to hear from all walks of life. People who have been in the lifestyle and people who would never consider it. Just please don't be too judgemental. I have a tender heart.
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  3. fireguy_31 mors ante servitium Registered Senior Member

    Hey Cassidy.

    First off, welcome to sciforums. It's a cool place but sometimes....

    Anyhow, your situation sounds....I don't know. I suppose what I would like to say to you is, our choices in life are what we must truly deal with. I would imagine that most adults have been through some tough times, and wondered if it were possible to reconcile them. Well, as an adult, I have been through those moments and, the only thing I can offer is I came out a hell of a lot stronger on the other side.

    Good luck Cassidy, only you know whats best for you.
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  5. Cassidy Registered Member


    Thanks fireguy. I do know that lifes experience make you stronger and build your character. And I know that I have no one to blame but myself for the situation I am in. The choices that I have made in my life haven't always been the best. Secrety and silently I have started making plans to go home. I finally have my own credit card! And thats pretty amazing since my first husband screwed up my credit so bad. Being in this lifestyle has taught me one thing. My mom was right. She told me that most men really only want to have sex and it doesn't matter who it is with. In this lifestyle, I have found it to be true. I've watched my husband having sex with women who I'd have never thought he would have been attracted to. Truth is, he wasn't really attracted it just that .... well.... you know.... its sex and a new partner, no matter how she looks or who she is, is better than having sex with someone you are married to even though she may be prettier. Is that true? Is that really how guys think? Does the excitement really go away? Is it really more fun? I've tried to keep it fun and exciting. Working on fantasies with him. Truth is, he has sex more while looking at porn on the computer and with strangers than he does with me. And anymore when we do have sex he ends up telling me about a new couple he wants to be with. Jeeez! I feel like I'm never me in our sexual relations. Oh well, life goes on and one day at a time I'll figure it out. I know one thing about myself. When I'm done.... I'm done. And knowing that about myself I realize that sometime soon I'll be back in my homeland surrounded by my loving family. Thanks again for your input fireguy.
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  7. Bebelina kospla.com Valued Senior Member

    I think you should leave this guy, he obviously has serious problems and should seek proffesional help. If he fails to realize that himself, you can't force him, so save yourself is my advice.
    Tell him what you told us and if he doesn't listen then he doesn't care, then why should you stay, it would only be selftorture.
    I can't imagine the horror of watching someone you love having sex with another person, I would probably kill them both in a moment of temporary (in)sanity.

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  8. Cassidy Registered Member


    Thanks Bebe for writing. As you know its never easy to leave someone that you love even if that person disappoints you and takes your for granted. The heart is a strange emotional muscle that allows us to forgive and forgive. For some of us we can love deeply, for others, they don't love as we need them to. That is where I am right now. I realize that I am in love with this man and although this man loves me, he does not love me like I need to be love. There in lies the problem. Can anyone love me like I need to be loved? I'm not sure anymore.
  9. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

    not everyone is nice and not everyone is mean

    but if its hurting u, u need to help urself first

    if that means leaving him (even if its just tempory so he wakes up to the fact that he has this great women who if he keeps fucking around he will lose) then u have to do that

    but no not all guys are assholes
  10. sycoindian myxomatosis> Registered Senior Member


    ahhhhh... that is quite an unfortunate situation you are in.. real sorry to hear that.. most problems on this board are not usually as complex than the one u've mentioned.. but lemme deal with a few q's u asked..

    i believe men and women both fantasize about having sexual relations with multiple ppl... but not everyone acts on those impulses because you are suddenly brought back into reality where such choices are not viable... i am not married so i can't comprehensively answer your question.. but i have to say that not all men are like that.. of course i've met many men over the years who dont really care about anything except having sex with as many women as possible.. like its some sorta invisible marathon with the entire world male population... at the same time there are many many men who are faithful to their wives and their sexual life is quite active... i have never ever wanted to sleep with anyone else except my ex girlfriends (serious ones)...
    of course i get attracted for a minute to a woman with a beautiful body, but that is just for a split second... i believe if you love your partner full heartedly, you would address sexual issues and not go out to seek fulfillment... you married them in the first place bcuz u thought they would gratify your emotional, physical and spritiual needs... some men tho' just dont grow up...

    the most obvious advice is that you leave this man... but i know it is quite difficult to let go of someone u love even tho' they dont love you as much back... try and seek some counselling if possible... and it would be a great idea to get some space... and let him know how you feel about this situation.. cuz if you dont tell him, he'll assume that you're ok with this... sometimes u have to spell it out clearly... even tho' it is quite a drastic situation, wud u rather have to live with such misery or spend some time by yourself and try get ur life back together?

    good luck to you in your choices and i hope you figure out how to deal with this... best of luck...
  11. SVRP Registered Senior Member

    After reading your post I can only think of two suggestions to follow up with.
    1. Communicate your feelings to your spouse. Tell him his actions are hurting you. Do not accuse him of anything, but tell him what his actions are doing to you and what you feel will be the results of your marriage if he continues with this lifestyle.
    2. Seek professional help for both of you. It appears he has an addiction and it is taking over his life and putting a strain on your marriage. It will be helpful for you in order to regain mental and emotional stability, and to make the proper decisions should he wish to continue in this lifestyle.
    Good Luck
  12. Cassidy Registered Member

    I'm so glad that so many people wrote. I thought that it would help me just to write things down and get others opinions. This is my counciling.

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    It helps, it really does. I guess for me, its still a hard thing to understand. I wrestle with the morality of it... I used to be a good faithful god loving person and I have let that go. I know that God must be very disappointed in my actions. To let you know how bad its been. I've lived here a little over three years and have had sex with over 60 different couples... some of them two or more times. I'm overwhelmed. (gulp) What happened to me. Oh Geeez, I hate
  13. Cassidy Registered Member

    I had started writing earlier but got interrupted. What I wanted to say was... thank you for all of your support. I remember something in the bible that said something like.... what I should do, I do not, and what I shouldn't do, I do. That is how I am. I know this isn't right. But I don't know how to stop. If we stop, my marriage is over. A little bit of background for those who are interested. I met my husband online about 5 years ago. Then met in person and fell totally in love with him. 2 years later I left and moved 1500 miles away from my family, my friends, my kids (Oh God forgive me), and my job, and even my faith behind to be with this man. 6 months after I was here he was online looking for couples to play with. I'm not totally innocent, as night after night he would tell me his fantasies, and I pretended to enjoy them. When we found a nice couple.... I won't lie, it was me who started it, but I started because I thought my husband and I would have sex with each other while they watched.... well they joined and since then, welll.... like I said, I've been with 60 different couples in 3 and half years. I'm tired, and my heart feels tired. Well, goodnight all. Thank you for your prayers and for your kind words. I cherish them now. I look for them. I need them. In the few short days that this has been posted I have been able to really let my feelings out and hopefully the more I let out the stronger I will become. I used to be a really good person.... a really good mom... a really good daughter. Now I am only a slutty wife. That sounds so ugly.
  14. Cassidy Registered Member

    A special note to Asquard

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You seem very wise and very kind, and not judgemental. Thank you.
  15. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

    i have spit the threads, anymore off topic stuff here will be deleted no questions and no explination, want to play do it in THAT thread, insted of hijacking someone elses thread for sick amusment
    ops sorry for that

    its called feminisium, again
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2003
  16. spookz Banned Banned

    a question, you said you split the threads, where is the other one and what is it called? what do you mean by play in this thread? the thread i am typing in now?

  17. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

    Normally I avoid discussing sex with women because of the Venus-Mars thing. But I think you're trying to understand a man's perspective on this so only men can explain it.

    You don't say how old you guys are. Let me guess, he is in his early 40s? Or maybe late 30s? Midlife crisis, it drives men nuts.

    Women seem to get all mystical about the odd decade birthdays: 30, 50, 70. For men it's the even decades: 40, 60, 80. Having a 40th birthday looming up in your windshield, or slowly fading in your rear-view mirror, can bring out the absolute worst in a man. Omigod, my life is half over, and look how little I've accomplished! Somehow that translates into: It will be OK if I can just make up for lost time and have sex with about thirty women in the next six months.

    The guy is certainly a first-class asshole, there's no two ways about that. If you want to leave him, I doubt that anyone will stand up for him. However, if you think that leaving him isn't necessarily the best solution for you, people have offered some good options.

    Therapy for example. Therapists see this kind of "behavior problem" -- not to dignify it by calling it a "syndrome" or something lofty like that -- all the time. It's possible that a good one could unlock some slightly more respectable desire that's buried in your husband's heart, and guide him into pursuing that instead of thinking it's 1970 all over again. How is the rest of his life going? Satisfied with his accomplishments at work? Good friends? Got all the education he needs to pursue his goals? Get along with his family and yours? Or does he secretly wish he'd taken guitar lessons instead of going to business school or whatever he did?

    You can certainly ask him these questions yourself, but it seems that the lines of communication between you are strained and it would be difficult to have a heart-to-heart talk under the circumstances.

    If you can't get him to go to a therapist (a Jungian, please, I can give you the totality of Freudian therapy in four words: Bloom Where You're Planted) you might consider going to one yourself. It will help you sort things out. With all this crap dominating your attention, is there anything that you would like to experience or accomplish?

    The last thing I will say is the hardest to hear. You have a responsibility to your kids that transcends most of this other stuff. You signed up for that when you had them, you probably just didn't notice the fine print while you were busy in labor. Any decision you make, including none, will affect them profoundly. Now this guy is a certified oaf and I'm tempted to believe that the kids might not be a whole lot worse off without him, which is not something I usually say so glibly. He's a terrible role model, he treats women shitty, he has no sense of responsibility, he laughs at maturity like it's something that only stupid people go through.

    I hate to see any parents break up, so if you can possibly get him some help, it might be better for everyone in the long run. Failing that, get some for yourself so you can make the wisest decision possible under less than optimum circumstances.

    We care, keep in touch.
  18. Jerrek Registered Senior Member

    I guess I'm not the typical guy. I do not sleep around, and I don't go for one-nighters. I want an emotional involvement before I drop my pants. I have no desire to swing, and I'd rather have a partner that feels the same way.

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  19. Cassidy Registered Member

    To Jerrek & Fraggle Rocker

    To Jerrek:
    You are one in a million. Even before I got into this lifestyle.... even when I was married to my X-husband, men still looked at me the same. "As a peice of ass". Even my X-husbands best friend tried to get to me. Actually.... I can say 3 of my husbands closest friends ALL tried to get to me. I even had to lock myself in the bathroom one time to get away. I guess being pretty, and not stupid, but sometimes nieve, or vulnerable, it must make men see me differently. So Jerrek, you truly are an exception and as for me, it is getting harder and harder to believe that there are guys out there like you.

    To Fraggle Rocker,
    You've made some very wise suggestions and I thought I'd answer some of your questions. My husband is 49 going on 25. He is very happy with his career. It's actually his 2nd because he hated his first and changed it. You asked about his family. Well, he treats his family like he treat me.... 2nd choice of people to be with. He'd rather go swing with a couple than go watch his daughter play softball. He thinks he is close to everyone in his family, but as an outsider looking in, I see that they aren't even close. I am closer to mine even though they are 1500 miles away. I am 46 going on.... well it feels like 80. My kids are 21 (he's in college) and 17 (he's with his dad, my X) and they are very far away. My X was a lazy man and couldn't hold a job, nor would he look for one that could support us. After 18 years of marriage I asked him to leave and he did for about 2 months, then he showed up on the doorstep and said "I'm moving in, if you want out, you leave!" I did.... I went to live with a friend and never went back. It is the worst mistake of my life, and now I realize that even though we didn't have money, and I worked 2 jobs to keep us fed, we at least had each other. And I at least had someone who wanted only me. But that is all in the past and now I have a whole new set of problems. A new husband who needs help. Believe it or not, we are able to communicate and I have told him my thoughts before. And when I truly search my heart, its not that I hate this lifestyle, its just that I don't want it to be my life. I don't think I'd mind if we played around a couple times a year. But the doing it every weekend is really killing me. Emotionally, I've come to despise most men because of the way they are, and sexually I don't seem to get excited anymore. I end up pretending so that it will just be over with. I've heard it said that couples who are in the lifestyle are much happier than those who aren't... that they are much closer. It seems to me that my husband is extra attentive right before.... and right afterward, and me being in such need of his love and attention tend to forgive him for the in between. I have found that it is somewhat easy for me to sort of drift out of the situation. Its like acting really. I think that I need to seek therapy before I could even ask my husband to, because I'd need to be able to deal with his answers. I know... I know.... I need to be able to deal with life. Secretly I think I have been planning a getaway. I took some classes last year and got a certificate for medical transcription. But so far no work has come my way. I applied for a credit card and after having been in a marriage where our credit was distroyed by lack of income I was finally able to get one with a small credit limit. But that was so exciting to me. I'm not giving up hope on the medical transcription thing. Oh.... and one more thing.... my husband is now in the process of building a website.... and if it goes anything like the others that we've seen, he'll be making loads of cash... and I plan on taking that with me! Oh! I can't believe I said that. At least I'll take some of that with me.

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    Thanks for the advice. I appreacite your kindness.
  20. alice Registered Senior Member


    you need to distance yourself from this person.

    you are not being treated w/respect, honor or dignity for you being the woman you are.

    you care about someone who is deeply addicted to some spectrum of sexuality that is a far cry from the beauty of intimacy in the private world of two.

    you can still love someone and break up w/them. but i think you should not be 'in love'. In fact, how can you be..for you are not. "Being in love" is a two sort of thing.

    You seem to have self esteem brought down to a low level. Don't..and i repeat DON'T..ever let someone judge you. If someone doesn't take EMOTIONAL care of you, that is a form of abuse. You don't have to be hit, you know, to be abused by someone.

    The more sexual partners a woman has, the higher her risk of cervical cancer.

    You need to step back and focus on what sensuality is REALLY about..it's about sharing deep, LOVING feelings..that spring from the soul and make your body desire.

    Pornography is probably the biggest MISeducator..of beauty and healthy sensuality that exists. Don't add..to your sensuality all that need not be there. That industry exists ONLY to get consumers..period.

    You are a woman..you know what you are..you are loving, sensitive, tender, wanting to give love, be happy.. don't let some VERY confused person tear you down.

    I say get a distance between you and go talk w/a woman's shelter counselor. Someone you love has been taking poor care of you. You love yourself and not allow it. ok?
  21. Cassidy Registered Member

    To Alice

    Alice, I am sitting here with tears after reading your letter. Thank you. I just don't know how to start. Where to go.... as I have no one here. My family is 1500 miles away. My friends.... Geeez, I feel like I've made my bed and now I must lie in it. (Gulp)
  22. Jerrek Registered Senior Member

    You're going to laugh at me, but I've actually never slept with a girl. Yes I'm 20 years old. I just haven't had much luck with girls, and I want a deep relationship before I do anything more. I seem to have better luck with the boys though. I have a very dear friend, male, that I like a lot, but only as a friend. He dates other guys, but occasionally we "do stuff" in a spirit of friendship.

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    Ah well, I'll just wait and keep trying. Somewhere there has to be a girl of my dreams.

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  23. Chagur .Seeker. Registered Senior Member


    Knock off the whining!
    You're a slut ... And you know it.
    Don't go laying the bit on you present husband.

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