"rip, rip, blood, dlood, pain. these demons live in me"-Anguish

im sorry to hear that mousey.
atleast we can keep eachother company thru the shitty spots right?

well right now im not so shitty. im soo thrilled at having made a full day with nooo cuting!!!
ya bla bla bla. just one little day. but i didnt think id make it this far! i know it can only get worse and harder from here but right now im positive for a change and i want to holld on to this feeling for a while. atleast untill i want to cut again. then its back to doing anyhting possible to get my mind off it.


-edit-

its 1 am now... im starting to want to cut alot again...
i just want to make it to monday. if i can only make it that long.
just to monday. monday.


i went back to that cutting board. well the call it SI, self injuring, but i hate that term. anyway its odd because thats a place just for this sort of stuff. but its the people there... there all overly nice and kind. its creepy ya know?

like "weve all been there. we know what your gong thru. youl be alright" ok, you say im gonna be alright, if youve "been there" how about some fucking advice!?!?!
that and i know most people here and im comfortable talking to you guys. and theres more then 20 year old lesbians talking about how there fathers sexually abused them and 12 year old autistic girls ranting like sychopaths and screaming like satan here. theres sane people. - edit- no offence to lesbians.
... thats a good point i just inadvertantly came upon. why do cutters always seem to be female? aside from myself i know of only one other male cutter. i read somewhere that 60-80% of all cutters are female. on the web poles ive seen its always just about 75 percent female. isnt that odd? oh, and mousey. i wrote a poem too!

---------------------------
dimmest stars, by Alz.

dreaming of a place away from my broken glass and scars.
somwhere far away past the dimmest stars

somewhere untouched, dark, and cold
somewhere to unlearn all ive been tolld.

a place to forget the insults and fights
that are preserved in the flesh i cut every night.

a place so dark i cant see the scars
somwhere far away past the dimmest of stars.
------------------------

 

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hey C.S. its kewl life goes and one day you will feel better because tomarrow is a better day

~Mouse:m:~

 

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one day.
i dought that tomarrow could possibly be any better.
and not the day after.
or the day after that.
but someday.

 

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Hey Slave. My automatic reaction was to instantly think that you were fucked up.I mean seriously.
But then I realized that I am actualy guilty of the same thing in a way.Only my self torture was mental.I realize now that I am pretty hard on myself at times.Really hard.Unfair actually.

I am not like this all of the time,I am learning to be a little easier on myself and my failures and/or mistakes.

Wow......all I have to say is that if you can learn how to redirect this energy,which obviously you have a lot of,then you will be laughing and successful one day.

Slave,.....what would you do or say to someone you really loved.Like a freind or family member or whoever.
Seriously think about this and don't just toss it off to the side.Do not continue reading this post until you come to a concrete awnser.

Well.....what would you do or say?
Now do this to yourself.
How do you express to yourself that you truly love yourself? Do you ever take the time to do this?This might sound silly ,but this is a very serious problem for alot of people.They never take time out each day to show themselves that they love themselves.

I am not even sure if I remember reading that you are actually 100%ready to stop cutting.

A couple of little things.....
Always focus on what you do want,...not on what you don't.

How would you feel if you did quit cutting yourself?
Would you feel more powerful or less powerful?
Close your eyes and imagine yourself and how you would feel if you conquered this habit.

You might also benefit from learning state management.
How learning to use your physiology can and will have a direct influence on how you feel,think,and even perceive the world.

Try exercising.
you need to challenge yourself in someway,physically and mentally.

Man,you are 15 years old.You are so lucky.
You need some new models in your life.People to learn from.
I am 28 years old.

I could go on and on with ways to help you develop a strategies for change.There is some cool stuff out there to learn that you can apply directly to your own life.

It doesn't take much to change.
You just need leverage on yourself.
It sounds like your getting that leverage by becoming somewhat disturbed with the degree of your own actions.
This is a sign that you are becoming ready for change.
This is a good thing.

To my suprise you have shown moments of great intelligence.lol
I hope that didn't come out sounding to negatively.

Anyways if your serious about wanting to change...right on.
I admire you for that and stand behind you 100%

However I hope you are not some weak minded fool who has just wasted the last 20 minutes of my life.
That probly sounded a little bitter.
My time is precious.

Odds are,I will never meet you.I will probly forget about you.You will probly forget about me.

But as long as I know that you are searching for the best within you, then I will always know you,through every struggle.
Peace Out

 

"You will probly forget about me."

Already have. Now shut up.

Slave:
Of course I'm not going to start yammering platitudes. You'll either suceed or fail on your own, and don't let anyone get off on saying that they helped you. Don't let them get off on telling you why you do what you do either.
You're the only one who has any fucking clue what you're feeling, yeah? Talking to people who feel simularly can help though.
Good luck.

 

moementum7 "Hey Slave. My automatic reaction was to instantly think that you were fucked up.I mean seriously."
it seems to me your automatic reaction is absolutly right.

"I am not even sure if I remember reading that you are actually 100%ready to stop cutting."
thats because im not. and i dont think i will ever be.

"Slave,.....what would you do or say to someone you really loved.Like a freind or family member or whoever."
first i would have to find some1 i love.

"To my suprise you have shown moments of great intelligence.lol
I hope that didn't come out sounding to negatively. "
nope. sounded like absolute prais to my tottale genius.

"However I hope you are not some weak minded fool who has just wasted the last 20 minutes of my life.
That probly sounded a little bitter."
yah, just a little.

"But as long as I know that you are searching for the best within you, then I will always know you,through every struggle."
its starting to sound like your the one wasting MY time.

xev- "Of course I'm not going to start yammering platitudes. "
and for this i thank you.

"You're the only one who has any fucking clue what you're feeling"
im not sure if even i do. but if you say so...

"Talking to people who feel simularly can help though. "
is it just me or did that come across sounding as if you were inviting me to the locale asylem?

 

C-Slave start a punk band and slash on stage. Trust me people will come to see you, the cutting can confine itself to public display of mutilation and everyone will think you a god and wish they were you.

...I'm not being funny or facetious either!

Read Geek Love by Kathrine Dunn.

"Freaks are born not made"

Sublimate all that RAGE baby! Its powerful creative juice.

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woot!
i could be the next maralyn manson!
but id have to say it would lea twards goth/black metal if i were to make a band.
lol.
thanx for the advice lucy!
now all i have to do is learn and instrument or how to sing...

 

Does this mean he will start to kill puppies on stage next? Marilyn Manson did that and he is one sick pice of shit!

 

Slave,
*nope. sounded like absolute prais to my tottale genius.*

That's what I like to hear.

Don't worry slave,I will stop wasting my time and yours.

A couple predictions:
Slave will get exactly what he deserves,what ever that is.

Xez, will never find true love,and will die lonely.

Damn I'm good!

 

cosmictraveler:
No he didn't, that's a myth.
Now go kill yourself, you're an idiot.

moementum:
I couldn't give a shit about true love and haven't felt lonely in years.
Now go follow the advice I just gave cosmictraveler.

Slave:
"im not sure if even i do. but if you say so..."

Oh, I doubt you do. I doubt it's possible to ever completely understand it.
The trick is to control it before it becomes harmful, which is what you're doing.

 

Hey xez......I'm better than you.

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moementom, i am strongly considering taking all this frustration out on you instead of me.
is that what your goal is?
iether you care so much ur trying to make me mad at you so that i dotn hurt myself, so i hurt u instead.
or your a fucking retard who wants to die so your pissing off some1 like me in the fuckin chance that il kill you.
if i fuckin saw u face to face id kill you.


i feel sick...
i havent been eating or sleeping.
i cant imagine withrawl from crack being worse than this and i cant imagine an ecstasy crash leaving anyone more fucked up.

my fists hurt. i spent half an hour punching the floor.

every time i try to fall asleep i jump, kinda like how your legs kick and wake you up as your getting to bed, but with my whole boddy.
when i do fall asleep i wake up within 15 minutes in a cold swear feeling like im about to die.

this mourning, around 9, i gave in. i burned my arm with a lighter. but thats not as bad as cutting would have been...

i wish i were sane.

 

C-Slave I am not a cutter so I won't pretend to understand the urge, but I don't believe you are insane. Whatever your internal reality may be cutting is probably a normal manifestation under that particular circumstance (whatever they may be). You need a catharsis, a method of expressing and converting all that energy.

Why did you first cut? There must have been a time you didn't and decided that doing it was necessary.

 

Whatevers clever slave.
Honestly I do care.
Not enough to send you money or a card.
But,in some way ...yeah.

As for the killing thing,the feelings mutual.
Maybe you should put that energy into drawing better cows.

Good luck with the mental thing.
You will find help when your ready for it.

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it was a good cow... it just got burgerized...
im feeling a hell of alot better today.
thats probably because i cut again last night.
i was carefull not to hurt myself too much tho.


to lucy-
"Why did you first cut? There must have been a time you didn't and decided that doing it was necessary."
i cant even remember a time i didnt.
i can remember times when i was as young as 8 or 9 hiding and cutting myself up with safty pins or paper clips.
somettimes when i get a cut on my arm and my mom or big sis sees it they jokingly say that it looks like im cutting again. when they first asked that i was like "hu? what are you talking abou?"
then my sis mentiond that time i carved my name on my foot when i was 4. i think i tolld you that already.
but the first tim ei really started doing it consiusly was when i was 13.
i dont remember why but i recall being really mad. then i found a safty pin and, guess what! i cut my arms again!
and you know what? i fellt better afterwards!
from then on when i was overwhelmed, angry, sad, anxius, afraid, whatever id just cut and be better. then i moved on to knives but found them awckward and clumsy so i started using razors. before too long i started going deep enugh to get all these scars on my body.
then, as i said, i had to go deeper and hurt more for that same calming affect.
and then i began doing it almost all the time. every day. that was about december last year i think.
before i knew it i would do it whenever i was left alone.
whenever i could.
and all it did was get worse.

so why did i start? i dont even know. it just came to me as the thing to do. up untill then i dont think i even knew what a cutter was.

so why do i cut? if i dont i feel like im going to go kill some1.
or like il just explode.
i just dont know how to work, mentally an dphysically, when im not in pain anymore.
its like a drug i think. it litterally changes your brain. so you cant stop. even if you want too. you simply cant think straight and your body stops working. or atleast thats how it is with me.
but sometime, for whatever reason, when im feeling fine and stress free and my life is just absolutly fine i dont have too.
its like when i would ordiniarrily feel bad that if i dont cut it seems to ampliffy times 10. maybe because im used to it just getting numbed away by the pain that ive forgotten how to get rid of the feelings otherwize. actually im quite certain thast exactly what it is.

 

Hey C-Slave, You wrote: maybe because im used to it just getting numbed away by the pain that ive forgotten how to get rid of the feelings otherwize. actually im quite certain thast exactly what it is.

But you don't have to get rid of feelings, you just have to feel them and then allow them to pass. Its interesting that you cannot tolerate intense feelings of anger/anxiety etc but you have a tolerance for physical pain. I think I am the opposite. The cutting does sound addictive which means you can break the habit.

I don't think you are insane C-Slave. Have you ever tried to circumvent the habit by other means besides suppressing it? I mean have you ever tried to channel those feelings of rage creatively?

I do understand the rage, I just used to break things. There was all this bric a brac and old dishes in my mother's house and I would smash them across the room and then clean it all up afterwards. Whenever I found really cheap dishes and glass I would buy them in stacks so I would have something to smash. I loved doing it, I loved the sound of shattering glass. Anyway...

There is no easy way out of this for you, there is no easy way out of difficult feelings for any of us. You cut to cope, some drink, others starve, but you are so honest about yourself I think you will find a way out (without medication or psychiatry).

*smiles* Actually I cannot identify with people who are not angry/rageful. Its like, if you are not feeling rage then you are just not paying attention. It aint all Disney ya know!

 

this is called a myoclonic jerk (or a hypnic jerk, if it only happens once before you fall asleep); it's very common, and often is assosiated with a dream about falling down a set of stairs, or off a ledge. Not always, though.

eh, life would be so boring, don't you think?


and as RippleOD mentioned, you feel better today because cutting now triggers a release of endorphins into your blood stream -you've trained your brain over time to do that, and maybe you were genetically programmed that way from birth, which is why you've started). It's chemically just like taking a drug, and physically just as destructive. There are other things which, with training, can bring about the same feeling, without losing control of yourself (which is the thing about drugs and p-sychiatrists I never liked).

Physical activity is definatly worth looking into. I do Martial Arts and Hiking. both healthy when precausions are taken, and both provide the feelings of hard work and success which helped me get through the long periods where it felt like I wasn't making any real progress.

Congrats on making through one day! No worries about not making it through two. start over; and try and do one day again. Just try for one day. Then after eneough failures and successes, you might realise that you just did one day, two days in a row. don't try for two days, it tends to be too difficult, and no days are achieved. Let it happen, one by one.


If at any point, CS, you feel that I'm becoming annoying, just tell me to shut it. Good luck!
RW



edit:

heehee; I used to get nosebleeds whan I was a kid, side effect of the dehydration caused by the Anti-depressants I was forcefed for years. But instead of feeling embarrased, I decided to put them to use. I'd tell bullies "If you hit me, I'll bleed on you!!!", which these days of STDs, is quiet a threat. I also used to take the blood (It was usually about 1/4 a pint by the end), and cover my face and hair with it, and film psycothriller movie scenes with my friends. No better movie make-up than the real thing.

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o my o my o my...
so much to say and plenty of time to say it.

and ripple, that was one heel of a post il tell ya that!
nowi will disect it and tell you what i think...

"1. you have no self discipline or self control"
duh, if i did do you think i would still be cutting?
if i had controll i probably never would have started for that metter.


"1.a this is most likely a result of a deffective male role model in your life or your mother not teaching you how to express emotions without extreem consequences"
i keep trying to think about this. my parents seem like fine people.
my dads not a drunk who beats me every night. my moms never blown her lid and so much as screamed at me.
and i think there therain lies the problem. i think my mother must have some problem too. i have never seen her mad. ive fucking tried to. on purpose. to see if it was possible. but my mother is just so calm all the time i wander about her.
my father is usualy the same way. but at least he gets exitred about things. maybe i was just never taught how to deel with anger because my parents neveer seemd to have it. and i remember that when i was little and ide get mad my dad would just tell me that i need to go to my room till i calm down, that i need to learn self controll. thinking about this for some reason is, ironicly, making me frustrated and mad...


"2. you have an addiction to a drug"
aside from cutting, no i do not. ive never so much as smoked or drunk alchohol.... i am strangly proud of this.

"3. you have a habit of response most likely by way of diversion caused from 1.a

4. you lack the skills to express your emotions without acting out in your habbitual learned response which you were most likely programmed from 1.a"
i really wish i understood what you were saying...


"5. NOW THIS IS A BIGGIE
you have identified with the extreem nature of the whole issue of cutting to make it part of your self image"
yah. i know.


"and you feel a form of self worth from the unusual and extreem nature of the act"
no i dont. and fuck you in hell for even thinking that. i hate myself for it. it makes me a freak. it keeps from everyone. it means that im just too fucking immature to handle my feelings. i probably have an eq no larger than a ten year olds. and worth? if you mean physicaly, showing i can endure it, hell no! all it shows is, again, that im too fucking stupid to deal with my emotions in a remotly sane way. it means im retarded. it makes me the bottum of the barrel of humanity. fuck you for even thinking that i like myself like this! FUCK YOU!!!!

"this plays in your mind as a jumping point from one extreem to the other
i.e no one understands you(in genral) and this is what you do(cutting) and since no one understands you this is what you will do anyway...cut"
i would KILL, litterally, if it meant people could understand me and think of me as human. i would rip out your bloody throat if it meant i could stop and be normal again.. well i dont mean normal. normal sux... but atleast sane. and to those of you who say im sane, fuck you 3 ways all around! you have no fucking earthly idea what its like to have your mind ripping to bits. to only be able to controll your sanity and get it back by doing what it is that makes you insane. i hate this. and i hate you for not understanding that.

"would do you well at sports and hobbies that require repeat quality actions"
i hate sports. they piss me off. i cant stand working with fools that can only fuckin kick a ball and have nothing better to do with there worthless human lives.
howver i do act and do ballet - and fuck you, yet again, if you DARE call me gay.

"if you wish to make an effort to work through it and seek to cure your cutting i would be happy to PM with you
assuming you are not already biggoted in your thought processes
because that would be just an excuse for you to not bother trying again"
hell ya i want to stop! what do you think ive been saying all this time! i would like nothing better in this whole god damned forsaken world then to stop! i want to be in controll of myself. i want to be able to feel without having to stop! i want to be able to be left alone without hurting myself! i want to stop being afraid of myself. i want to stop being afraid of everyone eles. i want to stop being afraid...
il try again untill i die. i will try untill i do stop. i hate mysellf like this!!!! this isnt somthing i do to feel kool "wooo i can hurt myself! hey, wach this everyone! it doesnt even hurt! FUCK YAAA!" piss on that and shove it down your throat! whos the one with preconsieved notions, hu!? im not doing this to test my will. i have no godamn will, and i bloody want it back! i hate this! i hate giving myself up to pain. i dont do this because i like it. i hate myself, so i hurt myself. and i hate myself because i hurt myself. hows THAt a sychle for you!? i and fuck you and your 'no one understand or cares so il go cut myself... its a sychle baby!' fuck, i dont WANT them to care! i dont even want them to fucking know! if they did my life would only sink lower in the pits of earthly hell. i want them to fuck off! all those bloody stranger who think they know me and want to hellp! everyone who would pitty me and try to understand and simply think im crazzy! i know im crazzy i dont need them to think it too! my own parents would probably fuckin throw me in a hospital if they knew! fuck they care! i wish theyd buga up theyr own asses!

"an ideal three group would be talking at least once a day with someone who is preferably a councellor
doing exercise every day at a gym
and then going and bonking your brains out with a sexy
what ever your into guy/girl"
i cant get a counsler. i know one would probably be good for me but id have to ask for one, right? what would i do, go to my parents and say 'im scuicidal, i cut myself, my life is a hell and its probably all your fault' and expect them to do less than lagh at my damn face. or, assuming theyd believe me, lock me up in my room with nothing but a bed and slip food under the door.
and i dont have a gf. every1 hates me remember? and i can see why. i wouldnt like some1 like me. such a sycho ide be afraid hed kill me! and even if there was a girl i liked i couldnt bear to so much as ask her out. geting into a relationship would only hurt them and me. im used to getting hurt, of course, but how could i put some1 i love trhu pain?
and ive been trying to work out every day to get rid of some stress and it doesnt hellp. it does nothing. but if i keep doing push ups till i shake and collapes on the floor and doing crunches till my stomachs been cramping in pain fort he last 200 and i have to stop because i cant move anymore then i know il be super man before long

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.... i dont want to type anymore. your makign me to angry.

 

so you have identified a couple more things that may be closer to the truth
first off read through your last post and try and think why you feel it is anyone elses fault for making you feel angry
you may learn to realise that only you have control over that ...
in time

you have an anger management problem
that is obviouse

so your parents as you have mentioned have not taught you how to deal with anger
thats nothing new
not many parents know how to do that

i would suggest you ask your parents to help you find a counsellor
and do not tell them what it is about
if they ask you tell them you do not want to discuss it with them

do you think it realy gets back at your parents by cutting?

you are addicted to a drug!
it is one of the strongest
it is produced by your body
it is called endorphines and or dopamines
that is what you are using as a drug to make you feel better
that is also why you are experiencing the neurological jerks/twitches
how are stringing your body out on the strongest drugs known to medical science

it is extreemly important for you to learn to deal with your anger and seek a counsellor to discuss how you feel honestly
obviousely your parents are not in a position to help you
because of how you and maybe they feel

S&M is the same type of addiction
though many would dissagree

it is good that you wish to start the process of seeking help

trying to give potentialy life saving counselling and or advice over the internet is about as risky as there is almost

maybe you could start by trying to think about why you might want to hurt other paople
are you wanting them to hurt you back just so you can feel
that is a very common course of abusive cycle

i would guess that your parents do not talk to you in an adult manner
as i have mentioned above it is all allot of guess work
based on just what you type and what amount of truth is in what you have put into words
to be able to feel something does not mean you can define or explain it clearly in writing

you need to primarily deal with your addiction to endorphines
but that will have to be done at the same time you deal with the underlying reasons that created the addiction

you speak about killing and death often and how you would like to kill people for expressing there opinion or for dissagreing with you
ballet is a great sport/art
lots of fit girls and guys who are genraly motivated
with structure and furthering education while maintaining a good level of fitness and flexability

try and think about what you are surrounding yourself with
lots of superficial suffering and talk of death
which is all actualy just marketing
how many meat eating people would hunt and kill and butcher and eat an animal just to eat the meat
most women would not
and not many more men
i am a vegetarian and dont believe we need to kill animals to survive in a modern culture

as river wind has mentioned martial arts is very good for developing mental discipline
but not all teachers know how to teach
just like all things
we are not perfect most if not all people have problems
it is not what type of problem you have as much as
do you try and make yourself better
are you making effort to change
do you seek help
why is it not acceptable in your community/home/school/peers to seek help?
you have many things to think about

take one day at a time think about every feeling that suggests it will be made better by cutting
it will take your body a few weeks to ballance from the endorphine hits you have been giving yourself

is shouting allowed in your house?
shouting is good punching bag is also good
too many situps and puch ups can create problems
if you ddo them to excess

good luck
if you think you are weird or a freak then just think for a moment about the type of problems that therapists hear about and work with on a daly bassis

groove on

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