"rip, rip, blood, dlood, pain. these demons live in me"-Anguish

i hate this... i hate me.

im not sure what to say... uumm. ive been trying to figure out what to say for a little while too.

well. as some of you know, and most of you dont, I cut. Up untill verry recently, like this past week, ive fellt no reason to stop. but ive been scaring myself latly. ive been cutting cuntinuesly for about too years. but i know i did it when i was 4 or so. and again when i was 9 or 10. but those were just little bursts or whatever.
but latly... uh. i dunno. unless you cut you wont understand.

i found a board for cutters. i tried to talk there but everyone was too gushy gushy lovey lovey. and i know you guys, so fuck if you dont get it.

let me think of how to say this.(as im typing this my hands are shaking) before it was never anything serius. i never thought i might really hurt myself. like just minor cuts a scratches, never going deeper than where i could just start to see the muscle under the skin. and it hurt. like hell. and i loved that.
now its like i cant even controll myself. for atleast a month or two ive been cutting so much... whenever im alone. i always keep a blade with me now. and i cant feel it any more. i have to make them (the cuts) longer and deeper. i have to go slower and press down harder. sometimes il go over the wound sevral times till i can feel it. yesterday i cut for about 2 hours. that was undoutadly the longest ever. when i finished i new i was hurt. my arms and legs are still throbin and i know i lost too much blood.
but i dont want to tell anyone you see. i mean ive spen years now basing my life around keeping this a secret. i cant imagine telling anyone, particularly my family, being any better than how i am now. i have sevral friends who also cut. some i knew before i started and we inevitably found out that eachother cut. some i knew cut and made friends with them after i started. almost all of them have been caught now. i had to see ren get taken away to a hospital. and the fact that she stole a scapel while there and slit her wrists didnt hellp. i had to see kiken's mom find out and now shes strip searched evry mournign and her mom checks her room every hour and daily she searches for blades, tax, pins, anything sharp. leann was caught first. i knew she would be. she was never carefull to hide her cuts and scars and she showd them to too manny people. and jesse.... omg... jesse. i dont even know what happend to him. i havent heard from him or seen him in a month or two... i have no idea what happend to him. they probably sent him away to some crazzy house or somthing.

i dont want to have to go thru that but i dont like going thru this any more. its gotten to the point il see streeks down my arms, onmy lower arms where i dont cut cause ppl will see, and i dont remember getting it even tho i obviusly did it myself. im scared.

... does that strike you as ironic as it does me? "im scared.". i hate saying that. not because its shamefull to be afraid, but because the thing im afraid of is myself now. i hate being like this.


i know that before long im going to really hurt myself. i keep going deeper. im certain that soon il inadvertantly slice a tendon in my shoulder and badly lacerate a muscle in my thigh.

im not sure if what i said earlier was true. maybe i do want my parents to find out. im only 15 if you didnt know. i usually say im 23 just because i can remember that year, 1980. dunno why really.


i dont know why im telling you all this. i guess i have no one eles to tell. all my friends who also cut just push it off, in a manner of spekaing, by saying things like "thats just part of the game" "dont worry. youl stop by then" or they just give me the normal advice "just cut high ont he arms where no one sees. never use a dirty blade. catch all blood with a paper towel ad burn or flush it. dont leave blades in the open". and my friends who dont cut who ive tolld just dont get it. dont get what this is.

i put the blade to my skin. and i feel it there. i press it down and feel a pinch. i push it harder and drag it thru my flesh but all i feel is the ripping of flesh. i never feel the pain anymore.
part of me wants to stop all together. part wants to just go on and forget it all. part just wishes that i could feel it again.

my shoulders are so slashed. and my legs are getting stiff. i woke up a dozzen times last night because every tim ei rolled over one or another cut ripped back open and blead and shot pain into me.
why cant it hurt like that when i need it to instead of making me have to go so far?

i feel alot better having simply told some1 about this now.

please, if anyone can help me at all. i dont want numbers or books or sights or places to go for hellp. i just want to tallk.

 

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I used to cut myself when i was in my teens.
I used to heat a razor blade over an open flame and cut so
the blood colored my chest. I also used to put salt in
there afterwords. Back then i didnt know why i did it, but today
i know and i think its for the same reson you do it.

I used to cut myself because it would make me feal something.
It would take away the emptyness i had inside. It would make
me feal alive.


Feal free to drop me a note sometimes.



Email: darkcrew@chello.no

Best Regards Judas

 

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I don't have any experience with paining myself for pleasure, but I feel for you and I would love to help you some how.

I dunno, but I think that addiction is the main diseace that leads to everything problematic around us, from internet usage to cutting, to religious beliefs. I guess we are addicted to the level of getting a high feeling from whatever it is we are doing and we are unable to stop. Being addicted means that the person must recieve a larger dosage everytime for effectivness.

Addiction have no cure, but it could be supressed with various methods. I suggest you speak to a phsyciatrist about your problem, you may be depressed or manic and during these times you are compelled to do these things, so perhaps a drug to fix the imbalance can help supress the periods in question.

I also suggest that you start distracting yourself from the cutting, for example, you need to make sure that your schedule is full with stuff that you enjoy. Get hobbies, go to the park for a walk, read a book, go to the Gym, limit the time you spend by yourself to a minimum. Stay with a roommate if necessary.

 

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I found that pain was real. the rest of the world was complicated and mixed up; things were never clear, the answer to a question was never obvious. But pain was easy. it was simple. it was alive. I made me feel alive, because I didn't have to question. There's truth in "I am. I caused this pain. This is my pain. I did it, I feel it, it is." There is no question there.


Or so I thought. As time went on, I found questions in self-inflicted pain just like in everything else. They were just hidden better. That broke me. I was lost for a while; totally lost. I went through the motions of life, but wasn't really aware of any of it. I did enough to not be noticed, and phased out as much as I could.

But that didn't work either. So I started looking. For anything that was different, anything that was another possible solution. I couldn't find one. Everything I saw was questionable. THere were no answers. I began hurting myself again, more so that I could remember the feeling of being alive, but more under control than before, because I knew it wasn't true. It was at that point, a fix, just like taking a drug. It was a rush of life into a dead soul.

Then I found buddism. It too was full of questions, and surrounded by leaches pulling from it basterdised versions of the teachings. It was not the answer either. But it was enought to point me in the right direction.
Now I am. You are, death will be, and is. Life will be and is. THe pattern is what rules the differences, and the pattern is what can me worked.

I'm not religious, but now I have a project, so anytime I need to feel alive, I have something constructive to work on. Something difficult and demanding and flexable - something which no matter what goes on in life, I can always fall back too. and the only way to do it is to look at myself and work.

So while I sometimes sound like a tripped out hippie guidance counselor, it's just because I've found a path of work which is reliable: myself. The only thing I have a mote of real control over. Everything about the physical world come in to me through senses. Therefore *my* senses effect the world before I can become aware of it. Therefore I can change my world however I want, by deciding to alter my own perception of it. No different than hurting myself when I was younger. That method altered my perception of the world by forcing my brain to focus on one simple thing. I do the same thing today, but without the requirment of physical damage.

good luck.

 

No disrespect, Flores, but coming from a someone with more similarities to cathulu's problem, please allow me to clarify this.

I would not recommend sheltering yourself from this "addiction" (which it really is). To simply fill your life with hobbies because they take up time where in you might be cutting yourself will not work.

The methods may look the same to an outside observer, but what you need to do, IMO and IME, is look at the basic reasons for why you do what you do, and work on them one at a time. This will take the rest of your life, and maybe longer to complete. You will, however, find yourself working in hobbies like walking, reading, going to the Gym, etc. But you are not there sperating yourself from your own life, you are there learning more about yourself, and finding reasons to not cut yourself.

This way, again while looking similar to Flores's, is coming at the same solution from a completely different angle. In this method, you won't find bandades for your problems, and you won't find ways to ignore it. But you may find the causes, and then the solutions to the problems. This is where you will find freedom from your 'addiction', by finding it's root, and controlling that; not by trying to control the symptoms.

Controlling the symptoms is a method which is very fragile. One rough day, and you find yourself cutting again, and can't stop yourself. It's not a fix, despite many psycologists trying to push it on people. Trust me in this one.

again, good luck

edit: do not discount the help that a professional can give, nore the help which time filling hobbies can give. Sometimes they can play a vital role in simply controlling the symptoms enough for you to get a handle on yourself to the point where you can start searching for roots. The fault is in begining to rely on psycologists or hobbies as a solution instead of a tool to reach the solution. Then you are simply trading an addiction for an addiction.

 

I agree with riverwind that drugs, hobbies, and company are not the final solution to your problem, but they are more like the bandage that you can put on your problem to avoid more blood loss while you look at the solution.

I find myself destructive to myself, no physically, but in other ways, when I'm by myself. I know that I'm extroverte and needs people attention to go on. You also may be an extroverte and needs people in your life to help you figure out your life. Needing people to figure things out doesn't undermine your abilities, for example, try to figure out what Socrate would have been without the dumb person he was dialoging with? You need someone to recopricate with you so that you can make progress. Sometimes I think I was Socrate in a past life, where the only tool I need to solve any problem is by communicating it and dialoging it with someone. I try to find suitable people for each aspect of my life. For example, my husband is good in giving general moral advice, while my mom gets down to the nitty grity, while my dad is the critical one that exposes my wounds, and my sister will make me feel good no matter. Find how the people in your life really fit in your life and arrange them accordingly. I'm never able to understand things by myself, I always extract the answer out of others without them even knowing that they are helping me, and at the end of the day, I feel gratefull to them and they are somehow amazed by how smart I'm, little did they know that they taught me everything I know.

Surround yourself with good company and talk about your problems loud. Fuck the privacy crap and the meditation, they'll drive you crazy. Think out loud before you do anything, yell at yourself, remind yourself out loud, and confront your problems head on as much as you can, make fun of it, criticise it, tell others about it, it's the first step to understanding it.

 

You shouldn't cut yourself Cthulhus slave, but I'm sure you know this. Have you tried taking drugs?? They might help. I mean whenevr you feel like cutting yourself, get stoned, or drunk, or something. it has to be better than cutting yourself surely. Be careful though! I don't want you getting smashed and going over the top with cutting.

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Judas and river-wind seem to be the two here with the right idea. flores is getting there. mucker sound slike hes in a decent mind frame but hes spilling out jubberish.


to flores
"Surround yourself with good company and talk about your problems loud. "
good company. isnt that an oxy moron? ive tried to tell my friends. the "ordinary" non-cutting onse dont get it at all and it feels like letting thme know just made it worse.
and like i said about my friends who do cut ther just as lost as me it seems.

"yell at yourself, remind yourself out loud"
already do that. most of today was spent curled on my bed telling myself to leave the razor on my desk alone.


"tell others about it"
you obviusly dont understand the first thing about it... i cant. i tried and it didnt work. and even just trying that hard was near unbarable.

"I suggest you speak to a phsyciatrist about your problem, you may be depressed or manic and during these times "
NO. i cant handle the thought of telling some1. and generally im very manic and angry. but i also do it when im depressed, anxius, watever.


"Fuck the privacy crap "
no.



"You also may be an extroverte and needs people in your life to help you figure out your life."
um.. im not really what one might call a people person. and if i cant understant myself then sure as hell no one eles can.



to rievr-wind

"I did enough to not be noticed, and phased out as much as I could."
just what ive been trying to do all my life. some people want to be at the center of things. i dont to have anything to do with people. they piss me off or make me sad. adn arent those emotians why i cut?


"do not discount the help that a professional can give"
im not. i simply dont want the help of one.

to judas-
"I used to cut myself because it would make me feal something.
It would take away the emptyness i had inside. It would make
me feal alive. "
yes, iether to feel when your numb or to numb you from what you feel. its always one or the other.

to mucker-
uuhh... ide rather not.



_________________________________

thanx every one for your hellp. il try some of these.

 

cthulhus slave,
I'm a hotty, and I wanted to send you tons of kisses all over your body and plenty of hugs and tickels and loves, and I would love to stay and talk to you the whole day, just please don't cut yourself.

Why do you hurt yourself, you are awesome, you are a human, once you were a cute baby and now you are just as cute. Life is beautifull, the glass is half full.

Do you think that if you got showered with love that you would feel sad and lonely? Do you think if a girl entered your life and adored you, that you would find it worth while to torture yourself and torture her with you.....

I know how hard it is to be addicted to something destructive to yourself. I was bulimic for two years and it took me the death of a close friend who screwed up her heart muscles and osephegus to stop. I still feel like doing it sometimes, but I try not to, I try the harder way of not eating at all or excercising like crazy instead of vomiting.

Stop cold turkey, now for good. Break all the razors and throw the knifes to the garbage, and if you do it just one more time, it's okay, and it's not the end of the world. If you want some pain, how about 30 pushups right this second......

Love
Flores

PS.,
I'll be back on the site on Monday, I want a full report of how many times did you get negative thoughts and what did you do with your weekend.

 

People who cut themselves are trying to say something to someone but because others don't respond it's their only way to "feel" emotions at all. Pain is an emotion that is as strong as love and when love isn't felt, pain can and sometimes will take over for that lost emotion.

So your looking for someone to give you what you THINK your missing. Your not missing love because it can hurt more than those cuts believe me.

 

Hey... seeing as I basically use my real name on here I wasn't going to say anything, but the fact is a LOT of people went through this about your age. My reasons may have been different than yours, but i'm sure they're similar enough. Some people are saying you did it just to feel something, like you were empty inside without it. I wasn't that way, I felt something, I felt a great deal of mental and emotional pain, anger, hurt, fear, sadness. The cutting or any other form of pain could completely overshadow that and make me forget about it. I was someone different. I was dealing with the physical pain, being strong in the face of torture (though self inflicted). It was my way of making a pseudo-hero (at least in my mind) out of myself.

I don't do it anymore, haven't for a long many years. I can tell you why I stopped, but you won't like it. Many of you wont, and that's fine. I became Christian. It wasn't a magical supernatural transformation where suddenly the hurt, pain, envy, sadness, etc went away, but it was as if there was something else that could help. I still felt like cutting myself a lot of the time, and I didn't stop instantly... it took time, but I did. I was able to pray about it, which was my way of talking to someone about it.

I've read what everyone has to say about Christianity and such, and I'm sorry everyone feels that way. I've never pressed it upon anyone on Sciforums, so please keep the flames to a minimum, I'm just sharing how it was for me.

-AntonK

 

thanks for the info, Antonk. Chrisitanity didn't work for me, but I'm glad it worked for you. I hope Cathulu can find something which works for him. Depending on desctruction for balance is a slippery slope, I have found. I hope he finds something else. Though it's not always easy to break away from what you know, it's often worth doing.

and Flores, were you to ask your questions about love to me, my response would be:
"Love does not take the place of the simple pain. Love is just as painful, and the good times are always laden with the thoughts of the bad which will eventually come. Go ahead and shower me with kisses, that doesn't make me happy, it makes me uncomfortable. I don't know the joy you are trying to shower me with; I am confused by the happiness you seem to have. I don't know what that's like, and pushing yours on to me doesn't seem to work. And yes I would feel loney Even lonier than before, though surrounded by attention. I would be in a room full of people, feeling like I couldn't connect with any of them How much more loney can you get than that?"

This is why I'm single. It's why I've been single for around 4 years now. I enjoy hanging out with friends, but becoming too close to someone has always lead me to the same place: they are more happy in their happy times than I am. This leads to an imbalance which tends to destroy the relationship. Until I can find out the reasons in me which prevent me from knowing what a moment of blissfull happiness is, I'm not ready to comit myself again. I think I'm getting closer, but I'm not quite there yet. I don't know if I'll ever get there, to be honest. But that's cool, because in doing this work, I've found that I truely don't need it to live. It's a different life than most, but it's a good one.

Cathulu, if there is anything I can do to help you out, let me know. You are heading down a difficult road, and I'm not going to try and pretty it up for you. If yours is anything like mine, you are in for a few years of very tough times. However, If yours *is* similar to mine, I can tell you that the journey is worth it. The calm centering which can be found on the other side is quite nice.
Just remember that *you* are in control, even if it doesn't always seem that way. Once you have found solutions, they will seem sinple and easy. Actually finding them, though, will be one of the most difficult things you will deal with in your life.

Solve them, however, and a new world will open up. I'm not shitting you.

This is true. as true as it gets. From this side, the side where the pain is under control, it's really this easy. From your side cathulu, it seems impossible. Once you do as she says, though, it will seem as simple as it really is. Despite all the confusions of life, you are able to do what you want and accept those consequesnces. If you don't want to cut yourself any more, no matter how difficult it may seem to do now, just stop. When you get an urge, say No. When the urge come back, say no. when it come back, say no... The first time I did this, I had a mental break down, didn't get out of bed for 3 days, rocking to myself as my desire to function as a person battled with my innate desire for simple pain. But when it was over, I had won. not a fun week, but had I not gone through it, I would not be alive today. No question. What finally prompted that battle in me, was, similar to Flores, the death of my best friend. He killed himself, and as far as I know, because of the same thing you are going through now. Don't let it beat you. kick it in the groin and keep on moving.

RE whitewolf below: /me huggles whitewolf for her wisdom.

 

I know people who cut themselves, however I never dared to stick my nose into their business or pull them into mine. I never cut myself, as a matter of fact, I can't stand any kind of pain.
I was suicidal for a few years, and suicidal thoughts are a bit of an addiction too. I got myself out of that depression, all on my own without any shrinks, with help of one or two friends, and, mainly, with my own thinking. The conclusions that I came to may sound cold to you now, but you may discover similar things...
You most definitely do not want to do drugs instead of cutting.
Drugs, suicide, (cutting?), is a way to escape. You need to think long and hard to figure out what it is that you're running from, and, if you wish to live, you need to confront life (no other choice). Sit and ask yourself questions until you answer them.
I escaped from regular life problems, thinking that the world hates me and everyone will be joyous when I die. Each individual has his own reasons, and his own ways out. I found my way out in faith too, and it made me feel powerful and in control. Cthulhus, your way out will be unique, but you have to find it yourself (not even a shrink will help you there).
It may take you years to recover fully, you may slip back a few times, but this experience will make you stronger in the end.
Your friends are useless in explaining your behavior, but they will give you acceptance and affection. You will need that.

Due to the fact that your wounds are so severe, I strongly suggest you seek professional help. This is the advice given to everyone that inflicts pain upon self uncontrollably.

 

flores- " cthulhus slave,
I'm a hotty, and I wanted to send you tons of kisses all over your body and plenty of hugs and tickels and loves, and I would love to stay and talk to you the whole day, just please don't cut yourself. "
are you saying that if i keep cutting youl leav me alone? hu? i thought u wanted to encourage me to stop . oh well. atleast you spellt cthulhu right.


"Why do you hurt yourself, you are awesome, you are a human, once you were a cute baby and now you are just as cute. Life is beautifull, the glass is half full. "
i was an ugly baby. im still ugly now.
the glass is only half full as oposed to 3/4 is because your tears of sympathy keep filling it back up while im drowing in it. do you want me to drown?


"Do you think that if you got showered with love that you would feel sad and lonely?"
yes. probably worse because then id still feel lonly but for no reason.


"Do you think if a girl entered your life and adored you, that you would find it worth while to torture yourself and torture her with you....."
i dont want a girl to enter my life. and if a girl, or any one, "adored" me why should i adore them back? becaus their so foolish as to love me? and why would she love me if she couldnt exept the torture as well? perfect set up for an s&m stile abusive relationship isnt it? sept im not sure weather id be the s or the m....


all im saying is stop showing this artificial kindness. you have no reason to even care. you cant possibly understand at all and from your words im lead to believe that you dont. i know all you want to do is comfort me and make me feel alright. i dont want to say that thats not what i want, because im sure it parsially is, but its not gonna work flores.

 

I understand

Hello my name is Mouse and I understand because I was and still am at times a cutter and even more so how I understand about 2 mounths ago I went psycho on my arms and had to go to a mental hospital it was a hard time. Just today I wrote a song/poem and thougth you as a cutter might relate to it.


Suicide By: Mouse
The pain that I feel on the inside
Is now my outside pain
I don't know what to do
I feel stuck kinda like glue
Your words cut through me like a knife
Tonight is the night I'm ending my life

Suicide,suicide,suicide

My life was short and not so sweet
Lifes got me down, got me beat
The pain they all caused was cut deep
Your just like them, a flock of sheep
I'm breaking down I've fallen apart
This is the end there is no start

Suicide
I'm cuttin' again
Suicide
I'm bleedin' from sin
Suicide
Dead inside my only friend
Suicide

The pain that I feel on the inside
Is my inside pain
My life was short and not so sweet
Your words got me down, got me beat
Your words cut through me like a knife
Tonight is the night I'm ending my life
I'm breaking down I've fallen apart
This is the end there is no start

Suicide
I'm cuttin' again
Suicide
I'm bleedin' from sin
Suicide
Dead inside my only friend
Suicide


My inspiration came from my life hope it helps in some way

~Mouse :m: ~

 

lol, good work mousey.
we just posted at the same time. its weird when that happens.

ive never really attempted scuicide. i swallowd a handfull of asprin about a year ago but i knew it wouldnt kill me.
thats a nice poem.

i had a friend who earlier this year ended up in a hospital cuz she cut too much. she sas she doesnt do it any more, but i worry about her.

 

Thanks I'm glad you liked it I'm sorry your going threw a hard time but hey so am I. I'm still fighting depression and cutting you never stop but right now its hard and easier to know that others feel how i do

~Mouse:m:~

 

screw the negativity and cut away

 

Not to long ago this is some writing I did after I got out of the hospital it was how I was feeling


What is life? What is death?

For so long I wanted death, but why? I know nothing about death, yet I craved it. I needed it because it's so easy to end it all. A drug for all the whacked out kids. A drug called suicide. A new trend everyone thinks about. Only the bravest do it. A drug like no other. The pain you feel on the inside becomes the outside pain for all to see. They say what a shame, how sad, but only then your gone. I admit I wanted death. I choose suicide. I was addicted to it for so long, the way I could die. Some days it was all I thought about. But why? Is my life that painful? I guess so at the time, but you never really think how it affects your family or friends. I feel we need to stop with all drugs. They're bitch ass ways. To escape the world but you can't, it comes back to bite you in the ass because one day those drugs put you in places you don't want to be. But that's life. Life isn't all pain. It is some happy, but when you're depressed you can't see it. Life sucks to you. But that's life!


~Mouse:m:~

 

flores- "PS., I'll be back on the site on Monday, I want a full report of how many times did you get negative thoughts and what did you do with your weekend."

actually keeping a log doesnt sound so bad.
il have it all zipped up by monday

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