I know what you mean MetaKron. I've got a very controlling mother too, and when I think about the sitution today at 36 years of age, I get exhausted too. The only thing that works and has ever worked for me is to stay away from her as much as possible and to tell her to limit her calls to me to once a week. If I hadn't told her to do this, repeatedly and vehemently, she'd have continued to call me 2-5 times a day. I'd actually prefer once every 2-3 months, but I can handle once a week. It is not a good situation, but I've adapted. I think she is finally adapting as well.
There is something that goes on that just won't stop until the receiver stops it. This isn't limited to parent/child relationships, either.
I am out of touch any more. But... Meta, I feel you. there is nothing you will ever be able to do baby. She will not ever change. She will never love you. She will never give to you what you desire the most. She is Evil. And I am sorry. But I Love you. I love and respect your pain. Keep writing it. You are strong no matter how many people bash you and say you are not trying. I see you just keeping the situation in the front of your mind so you are never suckered and bullied into denial of your self. Not a lot of people do that. They can't, or wont. And the world, IS full of evil people who wish to do evil things to other people. If you watch the destruction on a cellular level, you will see that ALL life is about taking. We are a unique breed trying to give now that we have taken so much. But not every one is to that level yet. You are the beginning of an evolution. It is lonely. It is very likely you will die alone wondering if ever your strength was felt and heard. But Meta, my love, That is something you will never know. So keep on, keeping on. You are in your rights. You are also being heard. Is that not important? Do it unconditionally. Without expectations from any one else any more. Fuck them. The demonic Womb that birthed you failed. It created a beautiful feeling soul. You have already won. Do not stop. You are being heard. You are being loved.
That pretty well sums it up. Unfortunately evil is predominant in my mother's makeup. Also unfortunately, evil frightens a lot of my good into silence, which makes it ineffective and not the kind of good you might look for when you need goodness. My mother did love me and lived in a lot of fear. Even when rationally she knew she didn't need to fear, she did. I don't know. I'm switching to the part where we still have a big problem. People who were treated the way I was often spend a lot of years regaining any kind of senses. In the meantime they cause a lot of damage. A lot of life is lost that doesn't need to be. This even contributes to human overpopulation because any war is followed by a baby boom. The affected humans only have to know about the dying. They wind up making more humans because of it. Any human can increase their immunity to the corrosion, the corruption, but it takes effort and exercise of intellect. I'm looking at former drug addicts finding steady jobs and making good money. For that matter there are those who are still addicted who manage that. Why did so many people have to go through so much Hell in the first place? Some mystics say that souls desire to go through some of these things, but goddam. That's some pretty fucking sick souls, treating the "lower" realms like some kind of virtual reality game in which they commit cruelties. Maybe if they feel like to experience some things fully they have to go through all this, maybe they should forgo the experience. At the cellular level life is about give and take, not just taking. Predators at any level who use up what they feed on die out. Those that would give their own lives to allow their food animals to survive will in the end prosper. A farmer who starves to allow his herd to survive long enough to produce new ones will eat plenty the next season. It's been a very hard birth. And I have yet to steal the key for my manhood from under my mother's pillow.
I know now why and how I will never be trusted. Meta, a thing you need to know is that every one is different. I know you "KNOW" that, but do you understand it? I Love cutting myself up into little pieces on occasion. Of course, I am aware of things like gang (sp?) green and other flesh affecting bacteria. But the lust of doing it is sometimes more dominant then the consequences. Other people, sadists and the like, have similar lusts. They just tend to project to other entities. There are many things I have done that I will never be able to take back or make better. Sometimes even bringing those things up in apologies makes the wound slice open again. Sometimes, the only thing there is to do is walk away. Dose an artist feel remorse for the paint left on the paint brushes as he runs the wasted paint down the drain in the sink? He probly doesn't even think of it. The paint that COULD have been a piece of art on a canvas is not. Instead it is thrown down the sink, into the sewers. But is it not still Paint? Of course it is. But it's Diluted now. It is mixed with impurities. Do you think the artist who did this to the paint even thinks about it? Of course he doesn't. That Filthy Diluted paint needs to find a new purpose. One that has nothing to do with the artist who put it there. That is where you need to continue and move on. You will never "go back up the drain" Meta. The artist, or your mother, is gone. She isn't even the person who beat you any more. That is the past. These things will not change. What we do with them, that might change. Ofcourse I am just talking out of my ass because I have spent the past week mutilating my self in odd ways. Some would say I was not thank full for what god has given me. But I ask, where is god? and If it's so Shameful, why did he not stop me? I hurt my family very badly this week. I will not be able to take that back. Even if I could I would not. I am broken. I can accept that. I was told should I continue I could continue in the streets among the junkies and other mental cases no one wants. But no one once saw why I was doing and feeling what I was. I know why I was doing it. But trying to speak about it, I might have well been justifying the Salem witch trials as being the right thing to do. People do not understand other people. Though we try to. We empathize. When we can not empathize with an action or an opinion of another, instead of ignoring it, we push and pressure them to assure them that they are wrong. An Energy is created. Some Dark force of hatred and dread. Then pain and sadness... the worst, is the shame and guilt left over. You see, this will never change. You are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing right now. and when it is time to change, you will.
Platonica, I understand why you do that. The following is not an explanation why, though. You have to find ways to nourish that little flame of life inside of you. Look at flowers and appreciate them, curl up with a good book, tell yourself that it really isn't that bad. In this little article here, one message has to come through. You can regard yourself as good. Assure yourself that there is something basically good about you. Then tell yourself that no matter what you did before you can make decisions that are on the side of good. You will see it working when you are doing nice things for people because you want to. It took a little time for my mother to understand last year that I really did want to do those favors I did for her. Maybe I'm only doing them for slightly less than half of her, but what the hell. We forget that we are capable of generating good and positive energy inside of us. It's an "oh yeah!" experience when you realize this. I don't call this "finding God" the way some people do because I see it as a physical phenomenon that can be used by mental processes. It is there for me, you, Mother Teresa, Saddam Hussein, everyone. It only cares about whether you call upon it and how you treat it, just like lighting a fire. It is still there when you have forgotten about it and when you go back to it. By the way, if you "hurt" your family by telling them they were full of shit because you believed they were full of shit, it's not the end of the world and you may not be broken at all. I don't have to know what you did. I just think it sounds like you blew up on them and told them to go to hell and leave you alone. You need a personal space and they need to respect that. Those who have never got any abuse from me and those who didn't got abuse no matter how much I tried not to, not that some of them weren't hungry for it. And I don't get crap from most people because I treat them with respect.
SEE! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! This is everything I see in you Meta! Your Heart. I am sad that I see your heart through so much pain, but you have concurred it! What's that song from Heavy Metal I love so much "A Veteran of a Thousand Psychic Wars"... That is you. You have sustained prejudice, heartless mother who did not understand love. And you Survived. you are so incredible for that. That is what I see in you. I mocked you once. And I was WRONG. I don't mind admitting I was wrong, But I want you to know that I KNOW I was wrong doing it. I wanted to excite some anger in you enough to see what you were made of. "Show me where it hurts".... And I did this for me. Hoping to find my own splinter. I did it to Brent too. I thought that if I could see where you guys hurt, I could pin point my own pain. Which is selfish. I am as confused as every one else in my place. I just want to know WHY? I thought if I had a glimpse into your pain, I might recognize mine. That failed miserably. We do not share the same wound, we just share the same healing. I can't stress how much I care about you and Brent. Because of the Life force in you both. The fighting. The not giving in. What sucks, is how SIMPLE this all seems to pull away from, and yet, here we are. Over and over again. a Circle of madness. As humans we are supposed to be learning, but what is it we are missing that we have to keep sending our selves back to this hell? Or Perhaps, I am just speaking for my self. Duendy, she found he way out. I do not care how she found her way out, but she did. And sure she may feel fear from the bull shit we have faced. I Would never blame her for feeling that fear. I FEEL that fear too. She pulled her head out high. and said FUCK IT, THIS IS ME (PERIOD)... I respect that too. And Light. *smile* A Heart of a thousand Doctors who wish to heal with what he knows and has learned. Who has spent his own time in his own hell. I am sure he would share that hell if it were relevant or if any one asked how HE felt. But not many of us have. I have asked Light many questions, and his heart and help has been wonderful. He is a good man. And a PERSON. People forget that he is just as human as us. He just has the knowledge behind him from history. But his soul hurts and feels just like ours does. He has opinions and feelings. And Huwy....... *smile*... I was so Putting him on this pedestal. I should not have done that. He is very knowledgeable. He too knows the history of mental dilemmas. I have since written and apology letter to him because I was out of line. Some times I forget people, are people too. He is studying all this to help people like myself. if he did not care, he would not study it. right? Thank you for that. This evil monster will be slain someday. We just need the help to destroy it. And Jshatz, Oh how I wish my sweet sister you were here on the forums more often. Your advice has helped ME for the past 30 years of my life. We share the same psychotic father. He was cruel to you, and you prevailed. You have helped me save my LIFE my Family my Children. but most of all, My love for you and our sister, brother, mother and father. Thank you. And thank you for taking such a hard course into the mind and how it works. You are my sister, I know this, But you have given me the guidance of a physiologist that I so needed as well. I love you so Much. And.... QQ.... With out this whole thread I would not have been able to come to terms with my own nightmares and face my enemies. YOU, QQ, are wonderful for this. Never choosing picking sides, offering suggestions. You would not believe how important this whole thread has been for me to read... and go back and read what I have written to see where I have been wrong. QQ I STILL don't know what psychosis is, but, with your thread, I have tools to deal with it now. Thank you. Brent, You just kick ass. You have from the first day I read your first thread. Your honesty, your searching. You will make it just fine. Your smarter then you know my love. and STRONG... even when You and I have those goofy "spats" at one another. It how we make up that makes it all right again. You have the heart of a dolphin. beating strong, going deep, and being able to jump into the setting sun. Your a wonderful person. Invert, YOU... you make me so happy. You make me smile, and learn. you fill me with this hope of HOPE. You showed me, with out badgering me, how I could better respond to people. You opened me up in ways I never thought I would open up. I love you so much for that. My Communication has become better, and I found a Friend I love and adore in you. This Forum, is important. I would be nothing. a No one with out it. with out all your thoughts and sharing. I don't want it to stop. you are all so incredible to me. Please keep posting. I just might find that Question to the Answer I have. *smile*
No one knows what psychosis is. It is a disease whose very presence is created by its definition. "Psych" means mind, and "osis" means condition. It can be anything you want. It's one of those things that lawyers just love.
The fact remains that the abuse was unnecessary, accomplished nothing, and made me less than what I could have been. There have been some widespread consequences, too, an absence of a quality that life needed. We can always try to make up for it but we can never completely regain that which is wrongly destroyed. We can try to make a better future from some arbitrary point but we are worth more than the value that my mother placed on my life. Those who can find any way, extend more compassion to your child and don't be so quick to judge him or her wrong, sick, or crazy. Try to judge them good, kind, smart, and healthy. It makes a huge difference. What I am able to be came from the minority part of my mother that was any good. I'm sorry to say that it still doesn't rule her. What she might have done that was good is what she still considers "bad judgement" and she still considers it "good judgement" to have forced my life into the patterns it followed. So I have to take a small part of her and do something with it. I've spent a lot of time stomping on it because she did and still does. This thing has to progress. Even if the wheel keeps on turning, it doesn't have to roll downhill. We have too much energy. It is slower to move uphill, but it is more rewarding.
And what can I say about all this? I'm sorry. I realize that saying this wounds some of the people who are reading it, but what do I do? When can I speak when every word is liable to be something that I might be held liable for because it may "inspire" someone to hurt or kill selves? We need a solution to the people who operate by trashing whatever there is of life that they can get a hold on. The people who say they want to keep us "safe" always, always, always somehow cause the trouble that they are protecting us from. The lie and use outrageous statements to reinforce their hold on human minds so that we can't made real judgements about issues. Then they fuck us and bleed us dry. This doesn't seem like a real world to me. I am bound by laws, rules, and rules that I don't even get to know the content and they call me a "good" person. Evil people go on and on tearing up one rule of civilized conduct after another with total impunity at the same time. Many of them are the ones who force me to follow those rules, including the rule that I must never make a living wage. They force a lot of people to go through this, but only those who want to live like the Earth was meant to live on, in peace with nature. How do serial killers get away with it for so long? It's because everyone wants them to.
All of the times that I have had to watch my life being horribly torn apart, and the lives of others, for reasons that can't be understood by anyone sane, it has gotten to me. I am as good about it as I can be, but I still can't seem to have the life I want without the fear that some psychotic bitch or bastard will come and rip it all apart again. What in Hell is it worth? So I can say that I never broke down and shot anyone? So fucking what? Whoopedy fucking do that I never shot anyone. Almost every idiot I've ever met can make that claim. It's not a fucking accomplishment.
And I keep right on dwelling on these crimes that I can't seem to stop, where criminal minds gain more and more dominance over America and destroy it.
I didn't "give" these people power. They came at me in groups, held me down, and tore it out of me like the Aztec priests used to with their stone altars and obsidian blades. The joke's on them becuase it didn't do them any good then and it doesn't do them any good now. They just keep on sickening until they die when they think they are making the gods feel better and give them favors. Will the goddam human race just grow up? The last time the sky fell was thousands of years ago and we know that it was due to physical causes of some kind, that can't be stopped by blood sacrifices or sucking the life force out of people, but might be stopped or worked with if enough people were allowed to develop their intellects naturally.
I don't know quite what to say, Metakron, but I can sympathize with you. I, too, tend to dwell on the idiots in charge that are ruining this once-great country we call America.
It can still be so good. That's something I want people to know. I don't know what to do to control the asses who keep coming at us, but it's high time to do something.
