I'm not happy with it, but so what. It annoys the crap outta him that I read so much. I find it as pleasureable and relaxing as he does smoking. :shrug: You gotta pick your battles.
But he's not worried about a long list of health problems caused by that nasty reading habit of yours is he?
I'm not talking about controlling anyone. I'm an ex-smoker myself, so I do have experience with all the associated feelings from both sides of the fence. No smoker want's to be addicted to the habit and most won't even admit they are addicted. A lot of smokers try to quit and fail miserably, so they tend to be a little touchy whenever the subject of their failure comes up. So how does a smoker ever come to a point where failure is not an option? It usually starts with having a loved one that cares and is not afraid to take a known position on the subject. Note, there is a difference between a known position and making yourself a pain in the ass. Sooner or later when he's ready, advise him to try Chantix. It does require a prescription, but when it comes to removing that nagging craving nothing works better.
He has tried Chantix. Didn't work. Just because I want him to quit and he knows its bad for his health, doesn't mean he wants to quit. He likes smoking. I'm not about to make rules for him that have no affect on anyone else.
My partner has tried a prescription quit smoking aid twice, first at the suggestion of his doctor, and again a year later of his own initiative and expense. He's just not wanting to quit, despite having been lucky to survive a very bad heart attack. He's done the research and knows the prognosis, both in regard to post attack history and cigarettes. I am resigned to the possibility of being a widow, and he is resigned to the fact that I might well predecease him due to my activities with horses and working graveyard shift, another known adverse health effect. We get on famously because neither of us is in a co-dependent relationship. We are two independent people who enjoy each others' company. I respect your comments, KJ, and that you are a former smoker who has beat the habit. Orleander's comments on this situation pretty much reflect my own thoughts. I travel the journey with him, but I do not restrict him, neither does he restrict me. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Even Chantix is only effective about 60% of the time. My guess is he just wasn't ready to quit when he tried. Most people that do succeed do so because they didn't let a couple of failures stop them from trying. You kind of have to look at a failure as a learning experience of what didn't work for you and try something else. But most of what a person needs to quit is simply the right attitude and getting to that right attitude is where the real challenge is.Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Actually I like your attitude. It sure beats living with a nagging bitch.Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! But I have no doubt he knows your position on the subject and that if he were to ask for your support and help in quitting, you would gladly give it.
I never gave it a second thought. When I was growing up (not that I ever actually completed that process) in the 1950s and early 1960s, smoking was considered normal and it seemed that the majority of people smoked. By the late 1960s, when we had finally made headway against racists and bigots and religious zealots and there was nobody left to persecute except smokers, we were all using one kind of drug or another, some legal and some not, and it seemed kind of dishonest to me to tell someone that one's own drug was okay but his/hers was not. We all do things that are, to a greater or lesser degree, dangerous, disgusting, foolish, etc. People who live in glass houses... And no, smoking never actually bothered me personally. I know some people find the smoke irritating and I can understand their need to avoid it, but I'm not one of them. As for "smoker's breath," I thought my tactic of taking one hit off of every cigarette was the perfect remedy. Although a couple of people I know who are married to smokers have taken it up and thanked me tearfully for saving their marriages, I'm surprised that most people would rather stay pissed off at their spouses. If the worst flaw one finds in one's spouse is smoking, one should fall to one's knees and thank fate for one's extraordinarily good fortune. It is far worse to fall in love with someone who can't tolerate your pets, who can't stand the music you listen to, who hates your friends, who belongs to a bizarre religion that is a threat to civilization, or believes that you do. You are really projecting your own feelings and experiences onto others. A whole lot of smokers just don't give it any thought and are quite happy the way they are. Remember that most people have only slightly more time sense than the average dog. The risk of something happening in the distant future (that's 90 seconds for a dog, 20 years for a human) has a discounted-present-value of zero. You surely understand that nicotine is the most addictive drug mankind ever discovered, and rebuilds our body chemistry in ways that are very difficult to tear down and rebuild the right way. Some of you have a more resilient body chemistry and after a few months the craving is genuinely gone. My wife is one of those lucky ones, it took her less than a year to stop feeling the anxiety triggered by those nicotine-generated synapses. But no two people are the same and some of them literally never lose it. If they were transported to a planet with no tobacco they would literally spend their entire lives in nicotine withdrawal. You were obviously one of the lucky ones, but please show a little more compassion for the others. They have made a fairly rational decision that the quality of their life will be better with tobacco, even given the probability of it being shortened, than it would be with the constant discomfort, anxiety, irritability and other symptoms of withdrawal. You can lose more friends, dates, jobs, etc. by always being in a crappy mood than by blowing smoke. Besides, the vaporizers they invented for marijuana work just as well for tobacco. No smoke, no odor. And presumably he also understands that he could be killed by some other disease, a fall or a road accident, all of which are as common causes of death as tobacco. Regardless of the details of your lives, it's most likely that one of you will die first. Still, I hope you have your wills drawn up to cover the the possibility neither of you will be the other's heir. Don't let some third cousin twice removed that you never heard of inherit all your stuff.
In the U.S. a will is not the best way to go, due to estate taxes. Setting up a trust is the way to go. Nothing in the trust can be taxed as part of the estate. Also, to some extent you are shielded from personal law suites in that anything in the trust is not subject to the law suite. The way a trust works is anything placed in the trust belongs to the trust. The trust does not belong to you legally, but you as the trustee have the power of attorney over the trust. So you have all the benefits of an owner without any of the negative aspects of being an owner.
I don't think marriage is supposed to be the psychotic free-for-all between fragile egos and raging hormones that it tends to be today. It's supposed to be a carefully considered decision made between two consenting, fully informed adults. This should include all good and bad habits, the amount and quality of sex, the stability or instability of finances, and a hearty helping of mutual affection and respect. I'm not saying love isn't a lovely, gushy factor to be played in the marriage game, but it's oftentimes given too much reign over our pesky logic. If we used a little of the time in dating on actually figuring out the compatibility and longevity of a long term commitment, we might avoid the divorce and the picking up of bad habits. For those that do take the time, there is the saying "Like them for their good points, love them for their faults." Why? Because it makes a small part of ourselves feel justified that we're not the only imperfect human being out there. And hey, coming from a married person, the more sex you have with a committed partner, the more you learn, and I think that's worth a few bad habits in my own opinion Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
As I just posted in another thread, the best definition of marriage Mrs. Fraggle and I have ever heard was from Counselor Deanna Troi on Star Trek:TNG.
On the whole "share who you are" note, do you think it's necessary to share every aspect of your past with your future life mate? Honestly curious to know.
That depends on a lot of things, but I would have to go with no. Let me just say that no matter how good your relationship is or how much you trust the other person, people change and everything can go very wrong between you. Now consider how what they know about your past could be used against you and it will be and then some ways you never even thought of.
Questions would be coming into my mind like was he once a she, which wouldn't matter but it still would interest me to know. Was she ever convicted of murdering someone or arrested for the crime would be another question. So many things to know about the other partner in any relationship that asking questions is the only way to resolve them.
I'm not going to tell you about all my crimes and murders. Are you crazy? Do you really think asking questions will reveal that information? If I was that kind of person I'd have my cover story down pat and details of my life on the tip of my tongue.
oh no. I've been lied to and hurt. I'm just not jaded. I don't let other people have that kind of control over who I am
