Discussion in 'About the Members' started by chimpkin, Jul 22, 2011.
i did now....
Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.
The second sentence I think this is were Chimpkin has lived of some time . I also think it can cause isolation and disconnect from the world . It is my opinion that Chimpkin want to get past this stagnation in her life . I may be wrong ?
I think this is what people do and it is a flaw . It creates an over reactive world . The attitude . I will make damn sure this don't happen again . So someone might turn away from Man good or Bad by the feeling of making sure this don't ever happen again by my new actions . The tendency looks like it creates Isolation to Me. Over independent in a world were that is just not the case . I also think it is a problem with society as a whole . We create our own bubbles of non inclusion and then daily life reinforces this bubble existence were you won't talk to anyone . The person in line in front of you at the store becomes the stranger that you isolate from your life . You put out the feeling of non inclusiveness by the daily behavior of not including born out of this state of protectionism. We all do it on different scales . States do it to states , Countries do it to countries , People do it to people
This I agree with...and it played a part in the abuse.
If I had simply known the words for genitalia, that would have been invaluable.
If I had understood what sex was, perhaps I could have articulated what was being done to me...to a teacher, as my mom was busy being in denial about this stuff.
Had I been told what sex was, I could have said it was happening. It's very hard to describe something like that when you have no words and no concept...in the face of someone's severe unwillingness to believe what you are trying to tell them.
Too, just the physical abuse...I was hit more and verbally abused more when my parents were under stress about something. Having fights in their marriage. I could tell. Tension in the air.
Leaving me to think I was responsible for their marital problems and bad feelings. I wonder if I provoked getting hit to drain off their tension, unconsciously.
The world is bigger and more frightening, not twee.
Oh, and I wasn't allowed to be angry, I got hit for that.
And when I started hearing things? my mom said it was tinnitus. No, tinnitus doesn't make words or play music.
I lost my mind alone too.
I only love people because I will go more insane from loneliness if I do not. I loved my dad very much once. Now deeply caring for anybody feels dangerous, and the more I care the more I have to fight the urge to run away from them.
Since the flashbacks started occurring I have to force myself to spend time with my wife, because loving her and trusting her as much as I do...is the most terrifying thing I can think of.
My dad was able to exploit me through my needs, so needing anything from anybody means I'm afraid...and I hate myself for being weak. I'm disgusted and contemptful towards myself.
I was beginning to respect myself before I got sick, because before that happened, I was getting to where I didn't need anybody for anything.
Any imperfection is weakness. Weakness=flaw=threat. I want to kill threats.
Let me tell you what is perhaps the biggest, most useful, and best kept piece of advice I have -
If you cannot currently live for yourself... find that one person who is worse off than you are and live for them. Show them how to live. Guide them through their darkest hour. Help them see that life is still worth living.
That one person could be a sibling, a friend, a co-worker, or even a random acquaintance that only just opened up to you - it doesn't matter. Let them lean on you, let them burden you just a little more each day - you may quickly find yourself rising to the challenge.
Suddenly, you have something to live for... something to fight for. You have someone who is depending on you... and that can kick in a piece of your mind/body/spirit that wasn't actively shouting at you before.
This, and this alone, got me through some of the darkest times in my life... but it nearly crushed me when the person I was living for decided to cast me away (in more ways than one) even though doing so has left them bitter, broken, and cold. You have to know when to let go... when to hold on... and when what you have is more than just two people helping one another.
My wife and I met because of this... we started helping each other... leaning on each other. We became each others bastion of strength and hope and our reason to push through each day. We still are...
It sounds like this friend of yours is mighty important... don't let them down. You made a promise... push them to keep their end, but don't neglect your own.
Trust me... the results... well... you'll just have to see for yourself.
As for your past... the abuse... look at yourself. Look at your parents and your life, and ask yourself a simple question - what have you learned?
My father was an alcoholic... abusive both physically and emotionally, to myself and my mother. My mother took much of her frustration out on me as well. I am fortunate to be able to look back and realize what a blessing that was - I got to see, first hand, how dangerous alcohol can be... how dangerous letting my body go can be (my father has Emphysema and can barely climb a flight of stairs without losing his breath). How dangerous not caring and not loving can be (my mother divorced my father and sent him back to England... now she has a girlfriend). I got to see, first hand, how damaging not being open and trusting with your loved ones can be... and how putting something as simple as alcohol and cigarettes before your family can drive them away.
I had a perfect example of how not to lead my life... and I am thankful for that - I will not repeat my parents mistakes... I will learn to handle money better and direct my emotions better and I will never fall into the "easy escape" of drinking and smoking. I have learned so many things because of my abuse... and I wouldn't change any of it if it meant changing who I am now.
I hope none of this comes off as brash or uncaring - it is not meant to be... rather, simply change how you look at your situation and think about it in a different light - you will be surprised how much this can change things.
I'm not so sure it would have helped to know those words and concepts. Namely, if you lived in a society that tended to be in denial about child abuse, it wouldn't have helped to know the words, in fact, it even may have made people suspect you have made it all up.
I think that adults who are ready to talk about child abuse are able to pick up on the clues even if the child doesn't know the words.
Whereas with adults who are not ready to face such things, even exact words won't help much.
Perhaps they actually blamed you and your guilt isn't an invention of yours. Perhaps they said things like "If it wouldn't be for the children, I would have left you long ago." Which can be a form of the parent blaming the child.
I think this is possible.
But perhaps you "love them too much". Perhaps you love them in an unhealthy way. Perhaps you believe that unless you feel like you disappear, you don't love others.
I would strongly recommend Robin Norwood's Women who love too much.
(Most of the books I suggest are well-known and available in most public libraries.)
It's good that you bring up these questions. I think they are examples of a very unhelpful mentality, the kind that eventually blames the victim, or tries to deal with abuse by denying or downplaying it.
Unofficial life motto here: "Don't be dad."
I tend to disappear...into the distance...My wife set us up a chat channel to talk in? I have to force myself to use it.
Friends, family( besides dad )? I worship them from way far away...if we talk often I get really nervous.
That is normal Chimpkin . It was my personal life battle . My Father . He didn't know what compassion was until Nov. last year. Me step Mother Died after 36 years of marriage. It happened while I was writing on this forum while I was having a conversation with Bebelina . So freaky . Now he is broken . He did have many hints towards softening his heart . He would not and keep his stoicness in check . Now he cries and cries and cries . He cries about Custer Killing Indians , He cries about the unjusts that were done to the Black Man . He cries about the trail of tears . He sees the light and how he played his roll in the white mans crime of taking the world to own . Well maybe he has not quite gone that far yet ? But close
Edited to add:
Yes...because my dad was able to force sex on me for two years, and, critically because I so very much loved him, he was by far the most devastating.
So I want to not love anyone ever. Love and closeness makes me happy and produces a sick sort of helpless terror at the same time.
I have tried not to love anyone. It does not seem to be an option, I become desperately lonely.
So...I have to figure out how to live with the fear.
Did you just push through it then? I've been trying that forcing through fear...it's nervewracking...but every time any panic whoozits show up that's what I do, so it makes sense...
In other words, how'd you get over it?
If my dad wants to make amends...well, he's going to have to work really hard.
I dunno that he has enough years left to do that kind of work, because part of that would be fixing himself.
He needs more fixing than a 20-year old Yugo hit with an RPG.
She's a good kid, and she absolutely can't see what a good kid she is. Keep having to duck tape my heart back together when I talk to her.
Fortunately, I carry a big roll of the Ace Hardware brand, none of that dollar store shiat.Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! If ya can't duck it, f**k it!
OK, bikeride time, or that peanut butter's going straight to my gut.
Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
keep in mind, your dad is human too..(dunno what your story is..)
but he is just as screwed up as the rest of us..
and also..some parents need their kids to be the role model..
Forcing sex on his six-year old daughter? continuing until she's eight when forced to stop due to fear of discovery?
I sincerely hope he's exceptionally screwed-up!
A leader requires someone who's willing to be led, and he's more like a giant, sexualized toddler.
He has never once apologized, for the hits, the kicks, the punches, the slaps, the screams either, the perverted comments. Not once.
He is a 60-year-old adolescent throws temper tantrums and has never done a thing wrong.
Edited to add...I do know one thing that I would probably even demand if he ever wants to make amends...thinking about it...
I would like a classified ad in the local paper of note to run for a week...admitting what he did to me under his full name and apologizing for same. That would be good. That, and therapy for him, so that he actually grows up.
But he's a coward.
Anyway...thanks for the group brain repair/systems function check.
I can feel the love.
Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
I also feel foolish, but that's typical.Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Chimp... if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm willing to listen. Who knows, I might even dig up a few nuggets of wisdom that might help you make sense of things... I'm mighty good at helping others...
now if only I could figure out how to help myself, heh...
But yeah. You sound like, more than anything, you need someone you can come to trust. I would like to offer to try and become that person - my wife and I are both committed to trying to help others... maybe we could help you too?
i think i met a guy like that once..
yea..my mom never apologized for how she screwed me up either..(come on! i gave her a hug on her death-bed and she roles her eyes at me and 'uf's me..grr..)..but its not really fair to wish that it never happened..those experiences is whats makes us,us..
wait till he gets alzheimers and screw with his head..Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!eek: i did not just say that..)
don't count on it,it sounds like he is perfectly distracted by his own issues..
if he were to die tomorrow,it would not make your own issues any less..
I have a few really solid people (my wife being one of them-my fear is irrational), but when the $hit hits the fan I can wear out a lot of people.
I may take y'all up on that. Depending on how rotten the next flashback is. Flashbacks are rotten, yeppers. I have officially flipped from dissociation (lost in spaaace) to PTSD goodness, if my wife yells at the computer I get the shakes.
(She's a programmer!:geek: She always yells at the computer! She's working on it...)
Back at you, though....dealing with the problems of others is usually a lot easier.
My own kind of beat me up...
Much easier to be the one listening to the screaming-in-fetal-position person, yanno?
There is that...if I consistently like who I am. Which I am working on.
HEHEHE! Yeah...I don't even have to be inventive...he'll just forget it, and I can do it again in thirty seconds!!! He'll be just as upset! :bravo:
sounds funny, yes, but i think one person should always stick to his opinion if he thinks he is right.
*nods* My father learned better than to hit me... cause I started hitting back (and by God I hit harder than he did)... and he only hit my little brother once - thank God I had enough presence of mind NOT to follow through with my instincts, else I'd probably be in a little cell right now ... but yeah, I can see where what he did would leave you incredibly vulnerable. Your every sense is now tuned to detect and try to evade... that... from ever happening again. So many associations you now have to break and re-affirm as good or neutral things as opposed to bad ones... it will take time.
Yes, all these can be done if you have strong will. Life is the process of seeking, we should find the essence by our eyes.
Now that is interesting . I spotted something . Un easy feelings when some one is yelling . I know that feeling . How did I overcome it ? I realized my parents are just regular old fuck ups first and foremost . How did I overcome it in day to day life . It was a guy named Bob Deblaze . Me worst nightmare customer . I learned to fight firer with firer with Him . He was tough . Retired Cop from New York City . Fire with fire worked with him . It taught Me a skill . Not always good cause the skill can make enemies . Emasculate , Cut there balls of so to speak . Then there is the old saying " I don't like to be the bad guy so don't make Me the bad guy cause when I am I can be real bad " That is my dads line . He is a lot more brazing than me . Until Me step Mom died that is . Fire with fire works on me Dad too. That has work sense I was about 24. I don't really like to use it but it is a good skill when you live around screamers .
Now people get freaked out when I start cussing when I am building . Yeah I can see the horror on there faces . It is when something will not go together like I want it too . Spiral stairs would be one of the things . Workers that work with Me all the time they are not affected . They laugh about it and tease the shit out of me . Joke about having Torettes or something . The common person who wanders into the vicinity shakes in there shoes . I don't mean to do it . It is part of me creative process. The Majority of People Shake in there Shoes Chimpkin . The Few don't . Very Few
Separate names with a comma.