Marching orders

Discussion in 'About the Members' started by chimpkin, Jul 22, 2011.

  1. chimpkin C'mon, get happy! Registered Senior Member

    I've promised to a friend on another site:

    I have to live and get better, and I'm vowed to work on liking myself.
    No suicide. Verboten.
    I have to work on this self-loathing thing.

    I vowed this to blackmail a young friend on another site into getting her probably-curable leukemia treated, and to work on getting away from her abusive parent.

    Otherwise she was going to let the leukemia carry her off without a fight. This just...made me so sad and angry...that I basically blackmailed her into going back.

    I therefore am now under orders to fix this $hit so that the kiddo will go to the oncologist's. I need to be telling the kiddo what I'm doing so that she knows I'm keeping up my end and gets her butt to the oncologist's ASAP.

    Yes I know this is weird.

    I am not without reservations about all this...wondering-is this some sort of scam? what is this? is this real?
    Of course I wonder...this is the internet.

    But I will keep my end of the bargain up, whatever the result, whatever the actuality.

    So there should be less whining from my general direction, which I'm sure the general membership will appreciate? *Salutes snappily*
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  3. adoucette Caca Occurs Valued Senior Member

    Screw "working on liking myself".

    How about working on fixing those things about you that need fixed and can be and accepting those things that can't be and are just who you are?

    You know, as in having the serenity to accept the things you cannot change; the courage to change the things you can; and taking the time to figure out the difference.
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  5. chimpkin C'mon, get happy! Registered Senior Member

    That would be a neat trick. Figuring out what I can change and what I can't because other than the eats, sleeps, poops, and breathes atmosphere...I can't tell.
    I feel like I ought to be perfect.
    Imperfection in myself deserves hate.
    Accepting the imperfect out of myself just shows how worthless I am.

    If I can have affection for myself, the way I do for other people, I may be able to forgive myself for not being perfect.
    I can do this for others-cut people slack.
    Right now I don't think I deserve that.

    I don't like myself.
    Perhaps you and I are using different terms for the same thing?
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  7. Me-Ki-Gal Banned Banned

    I like you Chimpkin. I think you are a very wonderful person . I realize " I don't live with you " and that is the best position to be in to know someone well . To know all the little things . The way you hold your hand when you cry . The lines on your face when you laugh . How long you take to shower . What your favorite breakfast is . Your hair in the morning when you first get out of bed . These things I can only imagine , so in my imagination I laugh and laugh cause we like what we imagine . You !
  8. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

    One of the things they were very specific about in "mental health nursing" that "contracts" with regard to not commiting suicide are a bad idea in general. They put undue pressure on the person suffering depression ect.
  9. adoucette Caca Occurs Valued Senior Member

    Well make a list of all the things you have an issue with, post it and you'll get help right here on figuring it out.

    Well that would make you a god and that's just not realistic, so first of all you need to set more reasonable expectations of yourself.

    Not really. Again there are two types of imperfection. Some of which are inately you, and can't be changed so hate is clearly inappropriate, and others which are things you can change, and so when you exhibit the negative behavior the first step is to recognize that you are and the second is to come up with a strategy to change the behavior. But in any case, one shouldn't expect to make a lot of huge changes quickly.

    Assuming you are talking about things you can change, then you don't have to accept that they will always be that way. You can change, it just takes time and effort and you often need to make a lot of small changes to eventually get where you want to be.

    Why are you less deserving than others?

    Again, that's not overly helpful.
    List the specific things you don't like about yourself, and post the list.
    By doing so (even just by making the list) you will get help.
    For balance, also list the things you do like about yourself.

    Post your list and we'll see.

  10. chimpkin C'mon, get happy! Registered Senior Member

    I cannot remember a time when I thought it was otherwise.

    Right now? got nothing.

    Woah. Too many. You want me to right a novel?

    My face, hair, body, brain, genes, personality, insanity, weaknesses, emotions, flaws, failures, existence. My ugly mug, crappy lungs, bad teeth, ugly eyes, mediocrity and general lack of any real talent. Pisspoor management skills, bad decision making, tiredness, and seeming need for happy pills which may or may not work. Severe absentmindedness. Needing other people at all.

    I think asking me this stuff right now is a BAD idea, Arthur.
    You can't magically make me into the improved version of me, the me that is happy and wonderfully productive and talented.
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2011
  11. cosmictraveler Be kind to yourself always. Valued Senior Member

    You have us here that are trying to help you which if you weren't well liked no one would be trying to help. You have a good way with expressing yourself to others which means that you have a good personality and demeanor. You are trying to make yourself better by asking others that you trust for help which means you have a great deal of trust. I've now named a few things that you have going now I want you to add a few more.

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  12. chimpkin C'mon, get happy! Registered Senior Member

    I expect all of this to hurt

    I rather expect to be hurt excruciatingly. I may end up leaving sciforums if I get scorched hard enough.
    Is that trust?
    I like people.
    I'm always astonished when they like me back.
    Being liked itself is rather frightening.

    I have an obligation to live. I'm going to renege on it if I don't change something and in so doing change the way I feel.

    I have no idea of what's going to work.
  13. adoucette Caca Occurs Valued Senior Member

    Ok, all that means is you have always held yourself up to higher standards than you do to those around you.

    So in a sense, that's a good thing.
    You hold yourself to a high standard.

    Not possible.
    In fact I've seen you write about at least one person who wants to be with you and forsake all others.

    What's wrong with your face, mug, eyes? (remember you have at least one person who likes it)

    What's wrong with your hair, that a trip to the hair salon can't help?

    , well you have said you are a bit overweight, but that you aren't as overweight as you used to be, how much do you need to lose to be happier with your bod?

    Well you can use the computer and write and your posts don't seem like those of a dunce, so what's the real issue here?

    Might as well be angry at the sky for being blue.

    Ok, this one is something you can work at, but be more specific, what two things about your personality would you change and what two things does your partner like about your personality

    You're not insane.

    Give us your top three

    Not inherently bad, in fact they are what makes us human and a life without emotion would be incredibly dull, might as well be a begonia.

    Give us your top three.

    Well tell us about a few, but also tell us what you learned from them.

    Yeah, well that's kind of the point of living

    Well you said you had Asthma, so how is that something to hate yourself over?

    How bad, just bad looking or do they hurt? ,

    Well what talent would you like to have and are you willing to work at it. No one is born with the ability to play the piano after all.

    Yeah, not uncommon. Usually it's bad time managment, what tools do you use to organize your day and prioritize your life?

    Always or just sometimes?

    Any idea why?

    Some people just need them, not something to be ashamed of if you do.

    There are tools that can help, most phones have alarms to remind us of stuff, as to computers.

    Well duh? That's what your wife is all about silly.

    No magic involved, but it's not necessarily easy either.
    Self discovery can be a long journey, but as Glinda explained to Dorothy, "It's always best to start at the beginning"

    But also remember what she told her at the end of her journey:

  14. chimpkin C'mon, get happy! Registered Senior Member

    My wife loves me and puts up with me.

    I don't know why, and I'm afraid of caring too much about her, because that means I can be destroyed.
    As for not liking myself, it's the totality of my being that I have a bone-deep dislike for.
    All the little things I annoy the crap out of myself with are proof.

    I will live with myself at 5'9" and 155 pounds.

    Tiredness was infection for the past 9 years. These days, insomnia.

    Who I am is shattered into jagged little pieces inside. I don't know my mind or trust it because I've gone psychotic before.
    I have emotions that tear me to bits now.
    My feelings hurt...when I started a new med, for about a month I had none. It was peaceful.

    Salons cost money that I don't have...and I was thinking in terms of looking like my dad, who used to slap me and scream at me regularly. On special occasions a punch. I look like him in the face.

    I've painted for years, and my little abortions on canvas are around. Adding to the clutter problem
    Not good enough.
    Knowing they will someday go in the garbage is very depressing.

    I don't want to paint any more landfill.
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2011
  15. nietzschefan Thread Killer Valued Senior Member

    You work out at all? Since I've started working out every day, it certainly helped me get over recent bouts of depression. Never mind the whole improving the body and trying to look all buff and cut(the reason most men are in the gym). A routine that involves physical labour is what the body most craves. When the body feel good, gaining power, the mind can often follow.
  16. chimpkin C'mon, get happy! Registered Senior Member

    Yeah, Five miles on a bicycle lets me sleep, sort of.
  17. nietzschefan Thread Killer Valued Senior Member

    Pick up the religion of steel. You will not regret it. Start lifting. Anything at first doesn't matter the weight. Keep increasing it a little each week.

    Make it a routine (like the bike -do you actually ride or is it a standstill bike?), when it is routine, allow yourself to think small thoughts of things that you like or enjoy (favorite activity, maybe your wife's best attribute, you own best attribute, Kim Kardashian's ass). Each week think about slightly bigger "positive" thing. Like it's an exercise. Perhaps work your way up to DOING that thing (if it's possible). So can the mind be trained to work for you instead of against you.
  18. Me-Ki-Gal Banned Banned

    O.K. I didn't want to go here , but I better tell you . I would do you . Yeah if I didn't Make the promise to me wife I would defiantly do you . You might not let Me I realize that and that would be my loss . But still I would and I would be extremely happy doing you .
  19. chimpkin C'mon, get happy! Registered Senior Member

    oh my

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    I don't think my wife would want to share either.

    Thanks though.

    (edited to add...can feel myself turning bright pink caucasian here...)
  20. Varda The Bug Lady Valued Senior Member

    that was so gay
  21. Varda The Bug Lady Valued Senior Member

    hey chimp, I had an angry dad growing up, too. High five?
  22. Varda The Bug Lady Valued Senior Member

    wow heyyy what the fuck is going on here?
    you two...

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  23. Me-Ki-Gal Banned Banned

    I want A High Five . Me step Father was way worse than Cinderella's step Mom and sisters . Can I have a High Five too , Please . Pretty Please . He kicked Me and Punched Me real good . Made Me work 10 hr a day when I was still just a 9 year old boy . I think that entitles Me to at least a low Five . Group Hug !!! I won't try no funny business ( Not trustworthy in these matters , Me not you , Never know when some one will sneak a feel ) Just Joking , I would never, The ice Man is selling Ice now . To people that live in ice country . No really I would not , Just A hug and well Maybe a little kiss and that is all I need , and a pat on the head and that is all I need except a hold of me Hand , but that is it . That is all I need and a brush of Me hair , but that is it that is all I need

    Got to Go

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