new words The Washington Post's Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners: 1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 3) Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. 4) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high. 5) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. 6) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. 7) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 8) Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (this one got extra credit) 9) Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 10) Glibido: All talk and no action. 11) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. And, the pick of the litterature: 12) Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a------.
A Dutch couple, an Irish couple and a Scottish couple are at the links ready to tee off. The Dutchman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place the ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any!" The Dutchman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Nicholas, here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear." Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Bejesus woman. You've no knickers! Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me!" He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Patrick, here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!" Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it. "Hoots mon woman! Why d'ye have nae knickers?" She too explains, "You nae give me enough housekeeping money to be able to afford any!" The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of St. Andrew, lass, here's a comb, tidy yourself up a wee bit."
A 70 year-old man brings his father to the doctor for his first checkup in 50 years. Afterwards, the doctor says to the old-timer,"We're gonna need three things from you sir...a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample." "What? What?," says the old man. His son shouts, "Pop, just leave your underwear."
Secrets to a happy marriage 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans. 2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money. 3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex. 4. It is important that these three women never meet.
Walking on Water Three monks decided to practice meditation together. They sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He stepped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side. When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water. Undeterred, the monk climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched. After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"
This is a dam funny story.... > > > > This is a dam funny story.... > > > > > > > > > > > > This one is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the > > > > Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. > > > > > > > > Wait till you read this guy's response-but read the State's letter > > > > before you get to the response letter. > > > > > > > > SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County > > > > > > > > > > > > Dear Mr. DeVries: > > > > > > > > It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental > > > > Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above > > > > referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal > > > > landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized > > > > activity: > > > > > > > > > > > > Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the > > > > outlet stream of Spring Pond. > > > > > > > > > > > > A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. > > > > A review of the department's files shows that no permits have been > > > > issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity > > > > is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural > > > > Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts > > > > of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan > > > > Compiled Laws, annotated. > > > > > > > > The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams > > > > partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and > > > > flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature > > > > are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department > > > > therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this > > > > location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by > > > > removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. > > > > All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, > > > > 2002. > > > > > > > > Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so > > > > that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. > > > > Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized > > > > activity on the site may result in this case being referred for > > > > elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your > > > > full cooperation in this matter. > > > > > > > > Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any > > > questions. > > > > > > > > Sincerely, > > > > > > > > David L. Price > > > > District Representative Land and Water Management Division > > > > ____________________________________________________ > > > > > > > > > > > > This is the actual response sent back: > > > > > > > > Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County. > > > > > > > > Dear Mr. Price, > > > > > > > > Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond > > > to. > > > > > > > > I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, > > > > Pierson Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State > > > > unauthorized)process of constructing and maintaining two wood > > > > "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. > > > > > > > > While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, > > > > I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful > > > > use of nature building materials "debris." I would like to challenge > > > > your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time > > > > and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no > > > > way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, > > > > their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination > > > > and/or their dam work ethic. > > > > > > > > As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they > > > > must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of > > > > dam activity. My first dam question to you is: > > > > > > > > (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or > > > > (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to > > > > said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these > > > > particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request > > > > completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits > > > > that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam > > > > violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural > > > > Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts > > > > of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan > > > > Compiled Laws, annotated. > > > > > > > > I have several concerns. My first concern is - aren't the beavers > > > > entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are > > > > financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation- > > > > so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The > > > > Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed > > > > during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a > > > > natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. > > > > > > > > In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather > > > > than harass them and call their dam names. If you want the stream > > > > "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers - > > > > but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any > > > > attention to your dam letter they being unable to read English. > > > > > > > > In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build > > > > their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is > > > > green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do > > > > to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources > > > > and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect > > > > the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams.). > > > > > > > > So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be > > > > referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait > > > > until 1/31/2002?The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then > > > > and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass > > > > them then. > > > > > > > > In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real > > > > environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! > > > > Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you > > > > should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers > > > > alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your > > > > step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) > > > > > > > > Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to > > > > contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response > > > > to your dam office.
Texas Chili Cook off CHILI JUDGING CONTEST: A Texas Chili Contest If you can read this whole story without tears of laugher running down your cheeks then there's no hope for you! **Note: Please take time to read this slowly.For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the city park. The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Canada. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy $hit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $hit-faced from all of the beer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out tastebuds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I $hit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like $hit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili.Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Bob
Still laughing....Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Then the fumes hit...Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Cows & Capitalism Someone e-mailed me this recently. Anyone know where it first appeared? Sounds like something out of Dave Letterman: TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. AMERICAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your public-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk right of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet is provided with the release. The public buys your bull. AUSTRALIAN CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. FRENCH CAPITALISM You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. JAPANESE CAPITALISM You have two cows. You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide. GERMAN CAPITALISM You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves. BRITISH CAPITALISM You have two cows. Both are mad. ITALIAN CAPITALISM You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. RUSSIAN CAPITALISM You have two cows. You count them and learn you have 5 cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. SWISS CAPITALISM: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them. INDIAN CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You worship both. You have 300 people looking after their security. You claim: 1) the Pakis are out to get them for beef vindaloo 2) full employment 3) divine bovine products (milk and poo). CHINESE CAPITALISM: You have 5000 cows. You have 2 people milking them. You claim high productivity, sell your milk cheaply, and arrest the western newsman who reported the labour issue. NEW ZEALAND CAPITALISM: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...hmmmmm (though you prefer sheep).
LOL! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Never heard of it, but that was hilarious! And hey, Welcome to SciForums, aseedrain. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! (interesting screenname..what's it mean?)
Beethoven's Grave A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing!
New Element: Ad (Administration) Investigators at a major institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named "Administration", (Ad). This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an electronic number of "0". It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force calledmorons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administration is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administration causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Administration has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. An Administration sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administration is spontaneously formed whenever morons each a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it.
LOL, I work there!!! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Harry found a new job in Louisiana. His hobby and passion was hang gliding. Only when he moved to Louisiana, he could find nothing high enough so that he could catch the breezes to fill the glider. One day, hitting upon a great idea, he climbed to the top of a high bridge. Jumping off from there, he was successful in finding plenty of air to fill his hang glider. Updrafts were strong and he climbed to a good height. On this day of sailing he managed to find himself out over the bayous and swamps. Having a great time he continued. On the ground, Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were duck hunting. Boudreaux turns to Thibodeaux and asks, "What kind of duck dat be?" Thibodeaux, he opens fire. Bang, bang, bang. Thibodeaux, he say, "I don't know but I make him drop dat fella".
College Student Writes Home Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on The reply: Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
The Navajo and the Apollo Astronauts When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which his son translated. "What are the guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got really excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, NASA called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they've come to steal your land."
Message to Saddam Had this emailed to me, this is funny http://www.bigfatbaby.com/newfun2/flash/saddam.cfm
