Jokes and Funny Stories

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Microzoft, Jan 21, 2003.

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  1. cosmictraveler Be kind to yourself always. Valued Senior Member

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    widdle wabbits

    Widdle Wabbit

    A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks,

    in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,

    mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

    As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that

    he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,

    or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle

    bwown wabbit over there?"

    She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her

    hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

    "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
     
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  3. Enmos Valued Senior Member

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    || Please note:
    Two threads ('Jokes!!!!' by Shadow1 and 'Widdle Wabbits' by cosmictraveler) have been merged with this thread. I also made this thread a sticky.
    Please post any future jokes, funny stories, etc here. Do not start a new thread every time you want to post a joke.
    I will also post this message in the OP.
     
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  5. cosmictraveler Be kind to yourself always. Valued Senior Member

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    A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

    When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

    "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career".
     
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  7. cosmictraveler Be kind to yourself always. Valued Senior Member

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    Subject: A Blonde's Year in Review

    A Blonde's Year in Review

    January
    Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

    February
    Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....
    Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer!!!

    March
    Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
    Box said ' 2-4 years!'

    April
    Trapped on escalator for hours ...
    Power went out!!!

    May
    Tried to make Kool Aid.....wrong instructions....
    8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

    June
    Tried to go water skiing.......
    Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

    July
    Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
    Learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

    August
    Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
    Car swamped because soft-top was open.

    September
    The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

    October
    Hate M & M's.....
    They are so hard to peel.

    November
    Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ...
    Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

    December
    Couldn't call 911.
    'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
     
  8. Omega133 Aus der Dunkelheit Valued Senior Member

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    There was a handyman office that claimed they could fix anything. Right next to there door was a sign that read: Please knock hard the doorbell doesn't work.
     
  9. Shogun Bleed White and Blue! Valued Senior Member

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    Okay I don't have problems nor do I like dark humor but here is one,

    "Whats the difference between a pile of dead babies and a gold plated Lamborghini?"





    "I don't have a gold plated Lamborghini in my garage."


    I didn't make the joke, my friend did, so don't blame me.
     
  10. Omega133 Aus der Dunkelheit Valued Senior Member

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    Iv'e heard that one before. Funny but extremely wrong.
     
  11. visceral_instinct Monkey see, monkey denigrate Valued Senior Member

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    I love dead baby jokes.

    What's the difference between a baby and a mars bar?

    About 500 calories.
     
  12. Shogun Bleed White and Blue! Valued Senior Member

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    I know, I was afraid to post it at first,

    "Whats the difference between a baby and a watermelon?"

    "One is fun to hit with a hammer the other is delicious,"

    Which one is which depends on you.
     
  13. visceral_instinct Monkey see, monkey denigrate Valued Senior Member

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    Hehehehe!!!!

    How many babies does it take to paint a house?

    Depends on how hard you throw them.
     
  14. Shogun Bleed White and Blue! Valued Senior Member

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    I heard that one before, dark humor, so many things wrong with it but still funny.
     
  15. Omega133 Aus der Dunkelheit Valued Senior Member

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    Terrible, just terrible.
     
  16. Shogun Bleed White and Blue! Valued Senior Member

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    7,635
    Yeah I know, there is also one about dead babies and floaties....dark humor.....
     
  17. cluelusshusbund + Public Dilemma + Valued Senior Member

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    How do you make a dead baby float.???
    .
    .
    .
    Into a tall glass... poor Coke-A-Cola over 2 scoops of dead baby.!!!
     
  18. visceral_instinct Monkey see, monkey denigrate Valued Senior Member

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    Oooh, nice. I think I'll make a version with Red Bull instead of the cola

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!



    What has 4 legs and one arm?

    A badly raised Rottweiler in a playground.
     
  19. Billy T Use Sugar Cane Alcohol car Fuel Valued Senior Member

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    “… For the first time senior Catholic figures are beginning to call publicly for a re-examination of the rule of priestly celibacy. …”
    From: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/programmes/from_our_own_correspondent/8572875.stm

    The part I made bold above reminds me of old joke that could nearly be true during the re-examination of the origins of the celibacy rule:

    The re-examination committee was closeted off in the Vatican archives to study the old texts that gave rise to the rule and were scheduled to report their findings in one week. After 10 days and no word from them was received, a bishop went to see what was the delay. When he entered the archive, he found the committee weeping and in great despair. Why so sad? He asked:

    Finally, one member of the committee ceased his sobbing, wiped his tears and responded:

    “ Four critical words in Paul’s instructions about sex and Priests were miss-translated:
    The correct translation of those words was not “remain celibate with sex” but “keep celebrating with sex”
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 2, 2010
  20. cosmictraveler Be kind to yourself always. Valued Senior Member

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    1.. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

    "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

    2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
    "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

    3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
    "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

    4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
    " Because I said so, that's why."

    5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
    "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

    6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
    "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

    7. My mother taught me IRONY.
    "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.."

    8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
    "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

    9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
    "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

    10. My mother taught me about STAMINA ..
    "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

    11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
    "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

    12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
    "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

    13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
    "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.."

    14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
    "Stop acting like your father!"

    15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
    "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

    16.. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
    "Just wait until we get home."

    17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
    "You are going to get it when you get home!"

    18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
    "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

    19. My mother taught me ESP.
    "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

    20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
    "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

    21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .
    "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

    22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
    "You're just like your father."

    23.. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
    "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

    24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
    "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

    And my favorite:


    25.. My mother taught me about JUSTICE .
    "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"
     
  21. visceral_instinct Monkey see, monkey denigrate Valued Senior Member

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    And I want to rip that mother apart in my hands for being an abusive asshole. Even though she is a hypothetical mother.
     
  22. cluelusshusbund + Public Dilemma + Valued Senior Member

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    What time is it if you'r digital clock displays 2:88
     
  23. Enmos Valued Senior Member

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