Jokes and Funny Stories

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Microzoft, Jan 21, 2003.

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1. MicrozoftRegistered Senior Member

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1,838
Longest Six Months

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The doctor suggested that he should get his 'house in order' , make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

'What will you do for the last six months?' asked the doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, 'I think I'll go and live with my mother-in-law'.

Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked, 'Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your mother-in-law?'

'Because it'll be the longest six months of my life!'

3. MicrozoftRegistered Senior Member

Messages:
1,838
Flies Hunting

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

5. MicrozoftRegistered Senior Member

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1,838
The Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.
What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You, stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

7. curioucityUnbelievable and oddRegistered Senior Member

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2,429
Again, it's about Miss B or Mr. R (about the joke, I've seen the Redneck version). what's wrong with the two?

8. ElectricFetusSanity going, going, goneValued Senior Member

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18,523
A English man, a French guy, A Spaniard and a Germen were having a argument about whos language was the most beautiful and best sounding. The English man had a Idea: “Ok lets all think of a beautiful word in our languages and compare that word with each others, the best version of the word is the winner. Being English and pompous the English man went first:
“The Word is “Butterfly” I think the English word describes the delicates and frailness of this one of gods finest creations.
The French guy went next: “Stupid English men in France it is called “papillon’’ feel this word papillon, feel it how it discibes the beauty of this creature!’’
The Spaniard Disagree : Your both are fools in spain it is called ‘’mariposa’’ what a word!, so sexy, so fine, admirering the beat of the wings, ’’mariposa’’.
The German was listening but said nothing so they questioned him “Tell us what it is in german?” the german frown closed his eyes and said: “Schmetterling!“ he slaped his hands together and rubed his palms togther like he was crushing the insect he named.

9. Docmayhemdangerously quiet lonerRegistered Senior Member

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Q: Why do blonde girls have bruises around their navels?

A: Blond guys are dumb too.

(In honor of the season)

Q: What do rednecks do on Halloween?

A: They Pump Kin

10. ElectricFetusSanity going, going, goneValued Senior Member

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18,523
no no its "Why was the blonde’s navel sore? Answer: because her boyfriend was blonde!"

11. Docmayhemdangerously quiet lonerRegistered Senior Member

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36
Q: What's the difference between blonde men and blonde women?

A: Blonde women have a higher sperm count.

12. tablariddimforexU2Valued Senior Member

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4,795
Bush and Condoleeza Rice

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of

China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of
China.

Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the
U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

13. TanoCup of cocoa, please.Registered Senior Member

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31
Question: What do a burping toilet and Jesus have in common?
..
..
..
..
Answer: They're both full of shit.

14. WildBlueYonderGuest

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the woman's car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

15. WildBlueYonderGuest

Subject: Winning Idiots

MICHIGAN IDIOT

The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 8:50 AM flashed a gun and demanded cash.

The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order.

When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. Frustrated, the man walked away.

KENTUCKY IDIOT

Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck Scared, they left the scene and drove home...with the chain still attached to the machine...with their bumper still attached to the chain...with (you guessed it) their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

LOUISIANA IDIOT

A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the$20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? \$15.00.

“If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?"

ARKANSAS IDIOT

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window. He picked up the cinder and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

The whole event was caught on videotape

NEW YORK IDIOT

As a female shopper exited a convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police had apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store.

The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied “Yes, Officer...that's her, that’s the lady I stole the purse from."

Drum Roll. ......... And the Winner Is:

WASHINGTON IDIOT

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man, curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

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2,429
loltangd
Good jokes.

17. HaloFull Time Nerd-BomberRegistered Senior Member

Messages:
587
Oldies but goodies

18. WildBlueYonderGuest

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS . . .

The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme Court building.

There was a good reason for the move.

You can't post: Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, and Thou Shall Not Lie, in a building full of lawyers and Politicians without creating a hostile work environment.

19. WildBlueYonderGuest

after the O.J. trial, I found out that the only difference between lawyers & liars was how they were spelled. You can even pronounce both words the same way

20. MicrozoftRegistered Senior Member

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1,838
A TEST OF YOUR MORALITY AND ETHICS

With all your honour and dignity - what would you do?

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one.

By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where
you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, but yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down s l o w l y - this is important for the test to work correctly.

You're in Florida...
In Miami, to be exact...

There is a huge chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and all the floodings...

There are huge masses of water all over you....

You are a CNN photographer....

...and you are in the middle of this great disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot very impressive photos...

There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water masses...

Nature is showing all its destructive power...

...and is ripping everything away with it...

Suddenly you see a man, steering a big van...

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud...

You move closer...

Somehow the man looks familiar and important...

Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever...

You have two options. You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life.

So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prise winning photo...

A photo displaying the death of a very powerful man...

Will you make the photo black and white, or colour?

21. curioucityUnbelievable and oddRegistered Senior Member

Messages:
2,429
<font size=1>I know this religious joke, but since it's not in English, pardon me if the translation seems awkward. Hope you enjoy it still though</font>

One day on an outdoor-mass-prayer of a religious cult, the priest asked the people: "My Brothers and Sisters, do you believe that God will bless us with a rainfall right now?"
The people replied: "Yes, we do!"
After a short silence, the priest asked: "Well, if you do, where are your umbrellas?"

22. Quigly......................... .....Registered Senior Member

Messages:
901
So the 7 dwarves go to visit that Vatican and talk to the pope. So Happy and Doc are asking the pope questions about the catholic church and Dopey butts in and says to the pope"Excuse me, Do you have a Nun that is about my height?" The pope stops and says well no I don't think so." and continues talking with the other dwarves. A couple minutes later Dopey again breaks into the conversation and asks the pope" Now you are sure that you do not have a Nun that is around my height right? The pope is starting to get agitated and says, " No we do not have a small Nun" After they were done talking with the pope they all walked away and all of the dwarves start laughing at dopey and sleepy cuts in and says" hahhahah Dopey screwed a penguin....hahhahaha"

Its been awhile since I heard it,so I think that is how it goes.

23. MicrozoftRegistered Senior Member

Messages:
1,838
Natural Therapy!

Nothing seem to work for me, when ever I endeavor into something, it always turns into a real mess. I am hopeless, in a dark tunnel without signs of light at either end. Considered several times suicide but was afraid that I may also screw that up and deterred from the idea. I felt frequently into depressions, real depressions.

A friend advised me to visit a psychologist in the neighborhood, well reputed and a friendly chap. In fact when I visited him, he insisted that I address him like most of his close friends as the “shrink” . He asked me to lay on the sofa and describe to him my problems, indeed, the misery that has been haunting me for decades. At the end of the session he advised me that the root cause of my misery it’s the fact that I have started many things and ever hardly finished any of them, evolving into a serious disorder.

He advised me to go home, relax and think of all things that I have started and didn’t finish and should immediately undertake the necessary steps to have them finished. Once done, I should be feeling a lot better and the world would look a lot brighter.

Trusting his advice, I went home. There, pounding while walking in circles, trying hard to recall any thing I started and didn’t finish, I couldn't remember anything until I decided to walk down to the cellar. There I found two unfinished champagne bottles. Following the shrink’s advice, I didn’t hesitate to finish them. I began feeling somewhat better and continued searching for more unfinished stuff. I found a half full Black Label and happy for the opportunity to finish unfinished business I wiped it clean and dry in no ta ta time. Feeling a lot lot lot better while amazed ha .howww great thish therapy its, made the exexextra effot to search for mo unfinished tings and came a cross a a hidden alshmost full but not i yet finished pottle of Gin. I finished and tell ya, I felt lotsss betta. No more dark tunnnels, I wast feeling so gooood tat I needed now sunglasses, I was now in a in mission to finishhh ufinished stuff, so my unfinished bottle of vodka and I tellya that Russian shit ish no unfinished no more..my man i am now completeliy healed this.. world ish wonderfull, I ..I..I..ove my cat wherever he ish an love mieee neighbours too..an. love youuuu too verrrry…verymuch a
..hey!…I can help yyou to finish your uuunfinish stuff too mi bru brother..