Jokes and Funny Stories

Political humor

Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.

"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.

"How long did it take you?"

"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"

 

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Q- What is better than roses on the piano?

A- Tulips on the organ.

 

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A few jokes 4 U.......

1. How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
> > > >
> > > > Unique Up On It.
> > > >
> > > > 2. How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
> > > >
> > > > Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
> > > >
> > > > 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
> > > >
> > > > They Take The Psycho Path.
> > > >
> > > > 4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
> > > >
> > > > You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
> > > >
> > > > 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
> > > >
> > > > Dam!
> > > >
> > > > 6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
> > > >
> > > > Polaroid's
> > > >
> > > > 7. What Do You Call A Boomerang That Doesn't work?
> > > >
> > > > A Stick.
> > > >
> > > > 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
> > > >
> > > > Nacho Cheese.
> > > >
> > > > 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
> > > >
> > > > Subordinate Clauses.
> > > >
> > > > 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
> > > >
> > > > Quatro Sinko.
> > > >
> > > > 11. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow?
> > > >
> > > > Spoiled Milk.
> > > >
> > > > 12. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire?
> > > >
> > > > Frostbite.
> > > >
> > > > 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
> > > >
> > > > A Nervous Wreck.
> > > >
> > > > 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
> > > >
> > > > Anyone Can Roast Beef.
> > > >
> > > > 15. Where Do You Find A Dog With No Legs?
> > > >
> > > > Right Where You Left Him.
> > > >
> > > > 16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
> > > >
> > > > Because They Have Big Fingers.
> > > >
> > > > 17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
> > > >
> > > > Because It Scares The Dog.
> > > >
> > > > 18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
> > > >
> > > > Sanka.
> > > >
> > > > 19. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover?
> > > >
> > > > The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
> > > >
> > > > 20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
> > > >
> > > > Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
> > > >
> > > > 21. What's The Difference Between A Bad Golfer And A Bad
>Skydiver?
> > > >
> > > > A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
> > > >
> > > > 22. How Are A Texas Tornado And A Tennessee Divorce The Same?
> > > >
> > > > Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer



> > Subject: Older Drivers!!
> >
> > Enjoy!
> >
> > Older Drivers
> >
> > An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
> > >
> > > Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
> > >
> > > Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
> > >
> > > Older Woman: Oh, I see.
> > >
> > > Officer: Can I see your license please?
> > >
> > > Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
> >
> > > Officer: Don't have one?
> > >
> > > Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
> > >
> > > Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
> > >
> > > Older Woman: I can't do that.
> > >
> > > Officer: Why not?
> > >
> > > Older Woman: I stole this car.
> > >
> > > Officer: Stole it?
> > >
> > > Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
> > >
> > > Officer: You what?
> > >
> > > Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if yo u
> > want to see.
> > >
> > > The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
> > calls for
> > back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
> > officer slowly
> > approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
> > >
> > > Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The
> > woman steps
> > out of her vehicle.
> > >
> > > Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
> > >
> > > Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car
> > and murdered
> > the owner.
> > >
> > > Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
> > >
> > > Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
> > >
> > >The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
> > >
> > > Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
> > >
> > > Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is
> > quite stunned.
> > >
> > > Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
> > license.
> > >
> > > The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
> > hands it to
> > the officer.
> > >
> > > The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
> >
> > > Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't
> > have a license,
> > that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
> > the owner.
> > >
> > > Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
> > >
> > > If you want to brighten someone's day, pass this on to someone
> > special.
> > >
> > > I just did!



Flight Forms

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.


(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left, inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

=======================================================================


The church was full. A young woman with a wonderful
figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide it all,
came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close
to the front, and sat down.

It was plain to the preacher that he had lost all the
men at the service to this voluptuous beauty.

He shook his hands at her and said, "You are the
Jezebel! The Good Book tells us about the likes of
you. You have corrupted the mind of every man in
this building with evil thoughts."

"But, I am a man of God! You don't affect me, you
evil woman. Right now up in Heaven, Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!"

Keeper

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy.
All that re-fixing, reheating, renewing,
I wanted just once to be wasteful.
Waste meant affluence.
Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.

But then my Mother died, and on that clear summer's night,
In the warmth of the hospital room,
I was struck with the pain of learning that
sometimes there isn't any 'more.'
Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up
and goes away...never to return.
So...while we have it...it's best we love it.....
and care for it .......and fix it when it's broken.....and heal it when it's sick.

This is true.....for marriage.....and old cars.....
and children with bad report cards.....and dogs with bad hips.....
and aging parents.....and grandparents.
We keep them because they are worth it,
because we are worth it. Some things we keep.
Like a best friend that moved away --
or -- a classmate we grew up with.

 

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more jokes

The Lighter Side of Parenthood





NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"



HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.



OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"



POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's rig ht," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"



POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"



DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."



DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."



SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear

 

Basic Law

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?!

The housewife replies: "Four!".

The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.!

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

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The Split Of Iraq

US President George Bush made an official announcement today regarding his plans for when Gulf War 2 is over.

First on the list was the division of Iraq into three provinces: Leaded, Unleaded and Diesel.

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Blonde Casino Distraction

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says, "I want to bet five thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude." They say fine, she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams, "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.

For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says, "What did she roll, anyway?" The second dealer says, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

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Gorilla Screw

Two gay gentlemen were walking through a zoo. They came across the gorillas and after a while they noticed that the huge male gorilla had a massive erection. This fascinated the gay men so much they couldn't take their eyes off of it. One of the men just couldn't bear it any longer and he reached into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabbed him, dragged him into the cage and screwed him for six hours non-stop.

When he was done, the gorilla threw the gay man back out of the cage. An ambulance was called and the man was taken away to the hospital. The next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asked, "Are you hurt?" "AM I HURT?" he shouted, "Wouldn't you be? That big ape hasn't called, he hasn't written..."

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Blonde

A British Airways employee took a call from a blonde asking the question, "How long is the Concorde flight from London to New York?" "Um, just a minute, if you please," he murmured. Then, as he turned to check the exact flight time, he heard an equally polite, "Thank you," as the phone went dead.

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last word on California's recall

http://www.funforwards.com/flash/august03/wannabe_governor.swf

 

20 Years In Jail

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs.

He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know, I would have gotten out today. "

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To: My dear wife!

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

----------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

----------------------------------------------------------
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Milton Berle

----------------------------------------------------------
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

George Burns

----------------------------------------------------------
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."

Henny Youngman

----------------------------------------------------------
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Phyllis Diller

----------------------------------------------------------
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman

----------------------------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

----------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
---------------------------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
---------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.

----------------------------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

----------------------------------------------------------
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.

----------------------------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

----------------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

----------------------------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

----------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

----------------------------------------------------------
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."
---------------------------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,

----------------------------------------------------------
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

----------------------------------------------------------
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"
--------------------------------------------------------
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

----------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

----------------------------------------------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
---------------------------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

----------------------------------------------------------
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
---------------------------------------------------------
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."

----------------------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
---------------------------------------------------------
I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father,
I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

----------------------------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

----------------------------------------------------------
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
---------------------------------------------------------
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

----------------------------------------------------------
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.

----------------------------------------------------------
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute

---------------------------------l-------------------------
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
---------------------------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

 

Alternate Guinness Book of Records... Women

Car Parking:
The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m, equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. E. Simpkins (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Roper Street, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14 mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lampposts.

Incorrect Driving:
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Holyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB), at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

Traffic Light Cosmetics:
The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51min 38sec by Miss J. Dobson (GB) at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards the Lake District.

Group Toilet Visit:
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a night-club in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree (GB) got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other female members of the party. Moving en masse, the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later.

Women

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Guy takes his wife to the Doctor...

The Doc says, "Well, it's either Alzheimers disease or AIDS."

"What do you mean?" The guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages... Tell you what.. Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don't fuck her."
:bugeye:

 

Makes me wonder why miss 'B' 's always the victim of sarcjokes....

 

No fucking way could 146 women use a public restroom in only 2hrs 37mins I mean we are talking a minimium of 1min 4 sec per women! lets say it has at least 6 stales thats 6min 24sec per women still cutting it short! They need at lest 20mins per women

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Subject: The Humor Archives - Chivalry isn't dead

Just got this:
----- Original Message -----
From: The Humor Archives <funny@thehumorarchives.com>

> A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have
you ever done
anything of partiicular merit?" St. Peter asks.
>
> "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers.
>
> "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I
came upon a
gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I
directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I
approached
the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the
head,
kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the
ground,
then told him, "Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me."
>
> St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
>
> "Just a couple of minutes ago."
>
> ----
>

 

MINNESOTA GHOST STORY

This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Minnesota, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the

middle of a storm. The night passed slowly and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly looming, ghostlike, out of the gloom. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Reflexively, the guy got into the car and closed the door, then realized that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving again. The guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and

running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve. The guy started to pray, begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would

go off the road and he would plunge to his death, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with terror, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally, the guy gathered his wits and leaped from the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, and told everybody about his horrible, supernatural experience. A silence enveloped when they realized the

guy was apparently sane and not drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar.

One says to the other, "Look Ole, dat's da guy vat rode in our car ven ve vas pushin it in the rain."

 

Randolfo,

That story is not based in Minnesota because there are no cliffs tall enough for a car to plummet to the occupants death around here.

 

THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW

THE TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW BUT AREN'T

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He's one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

1. Think you can get me off?