Jokes and Funny Stories

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Microzoft, Jan 21, 2003.

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  1. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    Never Satisfied

    A group of girlfriends are on vacation when
    they see a five-story hotel with a sign that
    reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without
    their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to
    go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains
    to them how it works.

    "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor,
    and once you find what you are looking for, you
    can stay there. It's easy to decide since each
    floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

    They start going up, and on the first floor
    the sign reads, "All the men here have it short
    and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation
    move on to the next floor.

    The sign on the second floor reads, "All the
    men here have it long and thin." Still, this
    isn't good enough, so the friends continue on
    up.

    They reach the third floor, where the sign
    reads, "All the men here have it short and thick."
    They still want to do better, and so, knowing
    there are still two floors left, they continued
    up.

    On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All
    the men here have it long and thick." The women
    get all excited and are going in when they realize
    that there is still one floor left. Wondering
    what they are missing, they head on up to the
    fifth floor.

    On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads,
    "There are no men here. This floor was built
    only to prove that there is no way to please
    a woman."
     
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  3. wegs Matter & Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    ^^

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    Ok, that's funny.
     
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  5. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    Hit's the spot doesn't it?

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  7. dumbest man on earth Real Eyes Realize Real Lies Valued Senior Member

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    A Minister, a Priest and a Rabbi are driving to a meeting.
    As they pass a small group of preteen boys playing on the street side,
    the Minister says, "What a darling group of young boys."
    The Priest then says, "Oh, yes, lets stop an f**k them."
    The Rabbi says, "Out of what?'
     
  8. wegs Matter & Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    you're so weird.

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  9. wegs Matter & Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    something like that

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  10. dumbest man on earth Real Eyes Realize Real Lies Valued Senior Member

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    ...pot...kettle...black...

    WIINK! -...do not know proper use of round colored things...cannot wiink with just one eye...
     
  11. wegs Matter & Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    hahahaha!

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    there is a 'smiley/emoticon' box to the right of this text box, if you click on 'go advanced' at the bottom, before you start typing text into the box here.
    that's a horribly constructed sentence ^^ ... forgive me.
     
  12. dumbest man on earth Real Eyes Realize Real Lies Valued Senior Member

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    ...no transgression...no forgiveness
     
  13. Saturnine Pariah Hell is other people Valued Senior Member

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    Q:What is the difference between a cockroach and a politician?
    A: You can kill the cockroach.
     
  14. Saturnine Pariah Hell is other people Valued Senior Member

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    A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

    They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

    She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

    As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
     
  15. Saturnine Pariah Hell is other people Valued Senior Member

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    Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

    A: Shoot him before he hits the water.
     
  16. Saturnine Pariah Hell is other people Valued Senior Member

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    Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?

    A: You just can't get that screwed up in one lifetime.
     
  17. Saturnine Pariah Hell is other people Valued Senior Member

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    Q: What is the definition of a "lucky break"?

    A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

    Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

    A: There was an empty seat.
     
  18. dumbest man on earth Real Eyes Realize Real Lies Valued Senior Member

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    Q. What is the difference between a Dead Lawyer lying on the road and a Dead Rattlesnake lying on the road?

    A. The skid marks before the Rattlesnake.
    ----------------------------------------------------
    Q. What is the difference between a Lawyer and a Carp?

    A. One is a Bottom-Dwelling Scum-Sucker and the other is a Fish.
     
  19. Buddha12 Valued Senior Member

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    2,862
    THE OSTRICH !
    A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

    The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

    Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

    This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

    "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

    "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million Dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

    "That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

    The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

    The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say..


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  20. Billy T Use Sugar Cane Alcohol car Fuel Valued Senior Member

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    THE OSTRICH joke is one of the best.

    Only improvement would be for the start of the punch line to be: "My second wish was for a constant companion who was ...."
     
  21. wegs Matter & Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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  22. Robittybob1 Banned Banned

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    But what would he have got then? Some sort of parasite? Or a dog, which would definitely be better than an ostrich.
     
  23. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

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    But you expect a man to wish for a woman, not just a companion of arbitrary gender. I don't know how long you've been in Brazil, but "chick" became common American slang for "young woman" in the late 1950s. The joke hinges on that double-entendre.

    Like much of our postwar slang, it came from the vibrant Latin American music scene in New York City. Chica, literally "small," but with an overtone of cuteness or endearment, is Spanish slang for a little girl--adjectives are commonly used as nouns standing for people with the described quality, such as negro for "black person." The age range of a chica kept increasing until it came to mean any cute young woman. Americans picked it up and elided it to "chick."

    There's no sexism in this slang; girls also refer to cute young men as chicos.

    The term "be-bop" is also from the music scene in Nueva Yorque. Latin jazz conductors shouted arriba, literally "upwards," to encourage their band members to play hotter licks. Americans heard this as "rebop" and eventually changed it to the tougher-sounding "bebop."

    An interesting coincidence occurred in the 1960s, after American rock'n'roll had colonized England and the British Invasion was just beginning to do the same over here. We adopted the British slang "bird" for woman, at the same time they adopted our word "chick." Apparently we both like our girls to have feathers.

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    And contrary to popular belief, salsa is not Caribbean music. It was developed in New York City!
     
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