Jokes and Funny Stories

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."

 

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Rain Dance

A film crew was on location deep in the desert.
One day an old Indian went up to the director
and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained.


A week later, the Indian went up to the director
and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there
was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director.
He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict
the weather. However, after several successful
predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for
two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have
to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director,
"and I'm depending on you. What will the weather
be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know,"
he said. "Radio is broken."

 

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Reality ChecK!!!!!

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife
packing a suitcase. He says,"What are you doing?"


She answers, "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I heard
prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what
I do for you for free!"

Later that night on her way out the wife walks
into the bedroom and sees her husband packing
his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies...
"I'm going to Vegas too. I want to see you live
on $800 a year!"

 

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Not Paying For A Drink

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar,
"What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch,
please." The bartender hands him the drink, and
says "That'll be five dollars," to which the
guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't
owe you anything for this."

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the
conversation, then says to the bartender, "You
know, he's got you there. In the original offer,
which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance,
there was no stipulation of remuneration."

The bartender was not impressed, but says
to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But
don't ever let me catch you in here again."

The next day, same guy walks into the bar.
Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing
in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity
to come back!"

The guy says, "What are you talking about?
I've never been in this place in my life!" The
bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this
is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make
it a scotch."

 

Trial
-------------------------

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

The defendant replies, "It was easier than having to shoot a different man everyday!"

 

This joke I told for years and was always a favorite....

A young Italian couple marries and ends up having her honeymoon night at her parents home.

The girl is all smiles as she heads upstairs with her husband.

The man takes off his shirt.

The girl runs downstairs, "Ma, Ma, He's got hair all over his chest what should I do?"

Mother, "Just go upstairs and make him happy."

The girl returns and the man removes his trousers.

The girl runs downstairs and yells, "Ma, Ma, He's got hair all over his legs what should I do?"

Mother, "Just go upstairs and make him happy"

At this point the man was removing his socks. He had been in a war accident and was missing half of one of his feet.

The girl again runs downstairs," Ma, MA, He's got a foot and a half"

The mother pushes her aside and says, "Step aside this is a job for your mother!"

:bravo:

 

Looking to buy a frog?

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

 

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at
herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what
she'd like to have for her Birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror. On
the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of
Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He
put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the
Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours
later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling
and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with
extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite
candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear,
what was it like being six again??"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression changed , "I meant my dress
size, you dumb ass!"

 

I have a magical dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

 

Full title of bloomberg article* is: Testosterone-for-baby-boomer-men-seen-fighting-diabetes

I only knew one girl named diabetes and she was quite willing (no fighting required).

*http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-...r-baby-boomer-men-seen-fighting-diabetes.html

Yes what strikes me as funny is often wierd. Hope one or two readers here got as good a laugh as I did when I read Bloomberg´s headline.

 

While I am standing still, I prefer the stillness here. I am tired of earth, these people, I'm tired of being caught in the tangle of their lives
-Dr. Manhattan

 

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING JOKES MAY BE HIGHLY OFFENSIVE.

Q:What is the worst part about being a black jew?
A:You have to sit in the back of the oven.

Q:What is the difference between O.J. Simpson and a paralyzed coal miner?
A

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nly one of them is a numb digger.

 

Just TRY...

Swearing at Work

To all Employees:
It has been brought to Management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings you are when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 new and innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and Information can continue to flow in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

 

Just thought I'd add some more to your list.

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!


The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.


My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she
killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Fuck it, soldier on!”

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"
"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.


I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

 

A Mother Joke sent to me...
-------------------------

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father."

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home."

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

How many of these did your mother teach? AND how many did you teach your children?

 

A man and a woman were engaged in heated sexual intercourse. The woman was screaming and wiggling like she had never before.

Afterwards, she flings the lights on and stares him straight in the eyes.

"You know you were fucking me in the ass, don't you?"

"I wasn't quite sure," replied the man.

"Surely you realized that it wasn't like our normal sex. Why didn't you stop?" pleaded the wife.

"You know how much we men hate to stop and ask for directions..."

 

This guy is Alvaro Alfonso de Miranda Neto, a professional golfer:

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He was married to --- this woman.

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Her name is Cibele Dorsa. She is a Brazilian swimsuit, Victoria's Secret, and Playboy model.

He divorced her because he fell in love with this woman:

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These two are very happily married right now.

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Some people argue that love is blind. This story clearly proves it...
It proves that men are capable of real love—truly seeing a person's inner beauty, and not basing their decisions solely on looks.




Oh, and by the way... The new girl is Athina Onassis.

She's worth 12 billion dollars.

Love stories like this kinda bring a tear to your eye, don't they?

 

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well

"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"

"Good. What comes after three?”

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"

"A jack"

 

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of the pub when Serbia bumps in to Austria and spills Austria’s pint. Austria demands that Serbia buy it a completely new suit because there are splashes on its trouser’s legs. Germany expresses support for Austria’s point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calms down a bit. Serbia points out that it can’t afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning o Austria’s trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it’s looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it and that this is sufficiently out of order and that Britain shouldn’t intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to and Britain is looking at Germany too and ask what Germany is going to do about it. Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria or it will render Russia incapable of such action. France and Britain ask Germany if it is looking at Belgium. Germany and Turkey go off into a corner and whisper, when they come back Turkey puts on a show of not looking at anybody. Germany rolls up its sleeves looks at France and punches Belgium in the face. France and Britain punch Germany while Austria punches Russia. Germany punches France and Britain with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany but misses and nearly falls over, Japan calls from the other side of the room that it is on Britain’s side but stays there, Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey and get’s punched back, there are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plane glass window but gets up and continues on fighting. Russia gets thrown out a window but gets knocked, suffers brain damage and then wakes up with a completely different personality. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises its fist in the air runs around the room chanting. America waits until Germany is about to fall from the sustained punches from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a bar stool and pretends that he won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch so the whole thing is Germany’s fault. While Germany is still unconscious they go through his pockets, steal his wallet and buy drinks for all their friends. That was World War One as a Bar Fight.

 

Hey Saturine Pariah - You forgot or underestimated me!

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"Serbia bumps in to Austria" is both wrong and insulting. - I was destined for the Austro-Hungarian throne!