Jokes and Funny Stories

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Microzoft, Jan 21, 2003.

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  1. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    Thanks Billy I passed that one on to the people that sent me the one below.
     
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  3. NMSquirrel OCD ADHD THC IMO UR12 Valued Senior Member

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    what..no after shot?
     
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  5. kwhilborn Banned Banned

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    Dog survived incident, and can be seen here in full body cast minus the offending leg.

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    Note: Likely not really the same dog, and I probably put here only as a joke. This dog was hit by a car and is doing well. Likely better off than the dog in previous picture from Billy T.
     
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  7. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    Thoughts to have the moment you wake up.

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  8. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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  9. Buddha12 Valued Senior Member

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    SIMPLE TRUTH 1
    Lovers help each other undress before sex.
    However after sex, they always dress on their own.
    Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
    SIMPLE TRUTH 2
    When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
    But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
    Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."
    FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
    1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
    2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.
    3. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
    4. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
    5. Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.



    The Jewish ELBOW

    A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
    coming to visit with his wife.

    "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There
    is a big panel at the front door.
    With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the
    elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get
    out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

    "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my
    elbow?.........

    "What.......You coming empty handed?"



    Wise Italian Grandfather

    Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their hand guns down through the
    family.

    An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I
    wan' you lissin ame. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated..38 revolver so
    you will always remember me."

    "But grandpa, I really don't like guns..how about you leave me your Rolex
    watch instead?"

    "You lissin ame, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
    have a beautiful wife, lots a money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
    bambinos."

    "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
    anotherr man.
    "Whatta you gonna do then? Point at you watch and say, 'times up'"?



    Irish blonde...

    An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a
    little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the
    dice.

    She said,"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely
    nude. "with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with
    an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

    As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed."Yes!Yes! I
    won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her
    clothes and quickly departed.

    The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
    Finally,one of them asked,"What did she roll?"The other answered,"I don't
    know-I thought you were watching."

    MORAL OF THE STORY

    Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, .....but all men....are
    men!
    ____________________________________________________________________________
    ____
    Global Facts About Sex

    At any given moment:

    FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex-right now.
    FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
    FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
    FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

    You hang in there, Sunshine!
     
  10. R1D2 many leagues under the sea. Valued Senior Member

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    2,321
    An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

    Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

    The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

    The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

    The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."
     
  11. R1D2 many leagues under the sea. Valued Senior Member

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    Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

    The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

    The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

    She frowned and said, "The postman."

    "Why the postman?"

    "Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."
     
  12. R1D2 many leagues under the sea. Valued Senior Member

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    -------
    A LESSON IN GOVERNMENT
    ------
    A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.
    When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
    His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
    ''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
    ''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
    ''Okay then...good night'' said Little Johnny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of Shit
     
  13. R1D2 many leagues under the sea. Valued Senior Member

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    2,321
    Found these two jokes.

    An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."

    A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs, "give me a drink", bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"

    Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"

    The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

    -------

    On some air bases, the military uses one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side, with the tower in the middle serving both. One day, at one of these fields, a call from an aircraft called in asking, "Hey, Tower, what time is it?"


    The tower answered, "Who is calling?"


    The aircraft answered, "What difference does it make?"


    The tower responded with, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are a civilian aircraft, it's three o'clock; if you're an Army aircraft, it's 1500 hours; if you're a Navy aircraft, it's 3 bells; if you're an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on 12 and the little hand is on 3; and if you're a Marine aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes 'til Happy Hour."
     
  14. Buddha12 Valued Senior Member

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    2,862
    An Italian Mama


    Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Frankie for dinner.

    He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

    During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Frankie's roommate is.


    Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Frankie and his roommate than met the eye.

    Reading his mom's thoughts, Frankie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

    About a week later, Maria came to Frankie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

    "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

    So he sat down and wrote an email:


    Dear MaMa,

    I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.

    But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

    Your Loving Son

    Anthony

    Several days later, Frankie received a response email from his MaMa which read:

    Dear son,

    I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.

    But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

    Your Loving MaMa
     
  15. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    6,493
    Nerd Season

    A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load
    of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches
    the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying
    "NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
    He goes in and sits down.

    The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says
    he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does
    for a living. The truck driver says he drives
    a truck, and the smell is just from the computers
    he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers
    are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

    As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks
    in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector
    with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a
    belt at least a foot too long. The bartender,
    without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and
    blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him
    why he did that. The bartender said not to worry,
    the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley,
    and are in season now. "You don't even need a
    license," he said.

    So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets
    back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.
    Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the
    load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers
    spill out all over the freeway.

    He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
    grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers,
    accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest
    clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal
    his whole load, so remembering what happened
    in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting
    away, felling several of them instantly.

    A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and
    jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.


    The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought
    nerds were in season."

    "Well, sure," said the patrolman, "but it's
    illegal to bait 'em."
     
  16. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    Never Satisfied

    A group of girlfriends are on vacation when
    they see a five-story hotel with a sign that
    reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without
    their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to
    go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains
    to them how it works.

    "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor,
    and once you find what you are looking for, you
    can stay there. It's easy to decide since each
    floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

    They start going up, and on the first floor
    the sign reads, "All the men here have it short
    and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation
    move on to the next floor.

    The sign on the second floor reads, "All the
    men here have it long and thin." Still, this
    isn't good enough, so the friends continue on
    up.

    They reach the third floor, where the sign
    reads, "All the men here have it short and thick."
    They still want to do better, and so, knowing
    there are still two floors left, they continued
    up.

    On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All
    the men here have it long and thick." The women
    get all excited and are going in when they realize
    that there is still one floor left. Wondering
    what they are missing, they head on up to the
    fifth floor.

    On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads,
    "There are no men here. This floor was built
    only to prove that there is no way to please
    a woman."
     
  17. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    Not off by one sheep

    A red head goes for a drive in the country
    and she has to stop as there is a farmer who
    is moving his sheep from one pasture to another
    across the road. She rolls down the window and
    says to the farmer, "If I can tell you the exact
    number of sheep that you have, can I keep one?"

    The farmer figuring that a city girl would
    never be able to agreed.

    The red head guesses the number and is 100%
    correct. I mean not off by one sheep.

    The farmer is an honest man and tells her that
    she did guess the right number.

    She gets out of her car, selects her animal
    and puts it in the car. Just before she drives
    away, the farmer asked her a question. "If I
    can tell you the real color of your hair can
    I have my dog back?
     
  18. R1D2 many leagues under the sea. Valued Senior Member

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    Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small
    town and put up a sign reading:
    "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".

    The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to
    read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

    This was not acceptable to the council either, so in an effort to satisfy
    the council, they changed the sign to: "Catatonics and High Colonics".

    No go.

    Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives".

    Thumbs down again.

    Then came: "Minds and Behinds".

    Still no good.

    Another attempt resulted in: "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".

    Unacceptable to the city council .. again!

    So they tried: "Analysis and Anal Cysts".

    Not a chance. Too graphic, said the council.

    "Nuts and Butts?"

    Definitely not.

    "Freaks and Cheeks"?

    Shot down again.

    "Loons and Moons"?

    Forget it.

    Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and
    Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends".

    Everyone loved it.
     
  19. R1D2 many leagues under the sea. Valued Senior Member

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    Do You Drink?
    -------------------------

    Lady: Do you drink?

    Man: Yes

    Lady: How much a day?

    Man: 3 6 packs

    Lady: How much per 6 pack

    Man: about $10.00

    Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

    Man: 15 years

    Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
    spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

    Man: Correct

    Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
    15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

    Man: Correct

    Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put
    in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
    interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

    Man: Do you drink?

    Lady: No

    Man: Where's your f*cking Ferrari then?
     
  20. R1D2 many leagues under the sea. Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    2,321
    One time, I had to tell a candidate that we would not be able to offer him a job because his drug test had come back positive and ours was a drug-free environment. After a minute he asked, "Can you tell me which one showed up?"
    ---------
    "This week in New Zealand, a man who lost his wedding ring in the ocean found it in the water over a year later. The man says the most amazing thing about the story is that his wife fell for it." -Conan O'Brien
    ------------------------
    It takes about 3500 bolts to put a car together; but only one nut to scatter it all over the road.

    ------
    There was a Scottish man in a bar with his two friends minding there own business.

    The next minute in storms two punks, one of the punks had long spiky hair, one spike blue, one spike green, one spike red and one spike yellow.

    The Scottish man couldn't take his eyes off the punks hair.

    This came to the punks attention after a while the punk said "have you got a problem mate?"

    The Scottish man says "no, but can I ask how old you are please?"

    The punk says "19, why?"

    The Scottish man says "Well 20 years ago I had sex with a parrot so I might be your dad"
    ---
    -
    "Doc, I think my teenage son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

    "Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

    "But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."

    "Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor.

    "Well," the man admitted, "The problem is now I think I gave it to my wife."

    "Son of a GUN!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"
     
  21. R1D2 many leagues under the sea. Valued Senior Member

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    Emailed to me from a friend.

     
  22. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    6,493
    Bomb Jovi

    I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.

    Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.

    Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.

    I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”

    Well, that was when the trouble started.
     
  23. arfa brane call me arf Valued Senior Member

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    6,255
    Be afwaid.
    Be vewy afwaid . . .
    I have a Waser Wifle.

    And I'm probably dwinking too much coffee.
     
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