Jokes and Funny Stories

Thanks Billy I passed that one on to the people that sent me the one below.

 

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what..no after shot?

 

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Dog survived incident, and can be seen here in full body cast minus the offending leg.

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Note: Likely not really the same dog, and I probably put here only as a joke. This dog was hit by a car and is doing well. Likely better off than the dog in previous picture from Billy T.

 

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Thoughts to have the moment you wake up.

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SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated."
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole's name.
3. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
5. Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one, when he was shot by the woman's husband.



The Jewish ELBOW

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There
is a big panel at the front door.
With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the
elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get
out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my
elbow?.........

"What.......You coming empty handed?"



Wise Italian Grandfather

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their hand guns down through the
family.

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I
wan' you lissin ame. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated..38 revolver so
you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns..how about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead?"

"You lissin ame, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lots a money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
anotherr man.
"Whatta you gonna do then? Point at you watch and say, 'times up'"?



Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a
little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the
dice.

She said,"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely
nude. "with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with
an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed."Yes!Yes! I
won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally,one of them asked,"What did she roll?"The other answered,"I don't
know-I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, .....but all men....are
men!
____________________________________________________________________________
____
Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex-right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, Sunshine!

 

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

 

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."

The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"

She frowned and said, "The postman."

"Why the postman?"

"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

 

-------
A LESSON IN GOVERNMENT
------
A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.
When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.
His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.''
''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
''Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it better,'' said the dad.
''Okay then...good night'' said Little Johnny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of Shit

 

Found these two jokes.

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."

A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs, "give me a drink", bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

-------

On some air bases, the military uses one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side, with the tower in the middle serving both. One day, at one of these fields, a call from an aircraft called in asking, "Hey, Tower, what time is it?"


The tower answered, "Who is calling?"


The aircraft answered, "What difference does it make?"


The tower responded with, "It makes a lot of difference. If you are a civilian aircraft, it's three o'clock; if you're an Army aircraft, it's 1500 hours; if you're a Navy aircraft, it's 3 bells; if you're an Air Force aircraft, the big hand is on 12 and the little hand is on 3; and if you're a Marine aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes 'til Happy Hour."

 

An Italian Mama


Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Frankie for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Frankie's roommate is.


Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Frankie and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Frankie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Frankie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote an email:


Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.

But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son

Anthony

Several days later, Frankie received a response email from his MaMa which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa

 

Nerd Season

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load
of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches
the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying
"NERDS NOT ALLOWED--ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!"
He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says
he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does
for a living. The truck driver says he drives
a truck, and the smell is just from the computers
he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers
are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks
in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector
with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The bartender,
without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and
blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him
why he did that. The bartender said not to worry,
the nerds are over-populating the Silicon Valley,
and are in season now. "You don't even need a
license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets
back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway.
Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the
load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers
spill out all over the freeway.

He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers,
accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest
clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal
his whole load, so remembering what happened
in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting
away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and
jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.


The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought
nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "but it's
illegal to bait 'em."

 

Never Satisfied

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when
they see a five-story hotel with a sign that
reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without
their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to
go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains
to them how it works.

"We have five floors. Go up floor by floor,
and once you find what you are looking for, you
can stay there. It's easy to decide since each
floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

They start going up, and on the first floor
the sign reads, "All the men here have it short
and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation
move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the
men here have it long and thin." Still, this
isn't good enough, so the friends continue on
up.

They reach the third floor, where the sign
reads, "All the men here have it short and thick."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing
there are still two floors left, they continued
up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All
the men here have it long and thick." The women
get all excited and are going in when they realize
that there is still one floor left. Wondering
what they are missing, they head on up to the
fifth floor.

On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads,
"There are no men here. This floor was built
only to prove that there is no way to please
a woman."

 

Not off by one sheep

A red head goes for a drive in the country
and she has to stop as there is a farmer who
is moving his sheep from one pasture to another
across the road. She rolls down the window and
says to the farmer, "If I can tell you the exact
number of sheep that you have, can I keep one?"

The farmer figuring that a city girl would
never be able to agreed.

The red head guesses the number and is 100%
correct. I mean not off by one sheep.

The farmer is an honest man and tells her that
she did guess the right number.

She gets out of her car, selects her animal
and puts it in the car. Just before she drives
away, the farmer asked her a question. "If I
can tell you the real color of your hair can
I have my dog back?

 

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small
town and put up a sign reading:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors".

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to
read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable to the council either, so in an effort to satisfy
the council, they changed the sign to: "Catatonics and High Colonics".

No go.

Next, they tried: "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives".

Thumbs down again.

Then came: "Minds and Behinds".

Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in: "Lost Souls and Butt Holes".

Unacceptable to the city council .. again!

So they tried: "Analysis and Anal Cysts".

Not a chance. Too graphic, said the council.

"Nuts and Butts?"

Definitely not.

"Freaks and Cheeks"?

Shot down again.

"Loons and Moons"?

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and
Dr. Jones: Odds and Ends".

Everyone loved it.

 

Do You Drink?
-------------------------

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 6 packs

Lady: How much per 6 pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your
spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past
15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put
in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound
interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your f*cking Ferrari then?

 

One time, I had to tell a candidate that we would not be able to offer him a job because his drug test had come back positive and ours was a drug-free environment. After a minute he asked, "Can you tell me which one showed up?"
---------
"This week in New Zealand, a man who lost his wedding ring in the ocean found it in the water over a year later. The man says the most amazing thing about the story is that his wife fell for it." -Conan O'Brien
------------------------
It takes about 3500 bolts to put a car together; but only one nut to scatter it all over the road.

------
There was a Scottish man in a bar with his two friends minding there own business.

The next minute in storms two punks, one of the punks had long spiky hair, one spike blue, one spike green, one spike red and one spike yellow.

The Scottish man couldn't take his eyes off the punks hair.

This came to the punks attention after a while the punk said "have you got a problem mate?"

The Scottish man says "no, but can I ask how old you are please?"

The punk says "19, why?"

The Scottish man says "Well 20 years ago I had sex with a parrot so I might be your dad"
---
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"Doc, I think my teenage son has gonorrhea," a patient told his urologist on the phone. "The only woman he's screwed is our maid."

"Ok, don't be hard on him. He's just a kid," the medic soothed. "Get him in here right away and I'll take care of him."

"But, Doc. I've been screwing the maid too and I've got the same symptoms he has."

"Then you come in with him and I'll fix you both up." Replied the doctor.

"Well," the man admitted, "The problem is now I think I gave it to my wife."

"Son of a GUN!" the physician roared. "That means we've all got it!"

 

Emailed to me from a friend.

 

Bomb Jovi

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night. They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.

Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.

Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.

I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”

Well, that was when the trouble started.

 

Be afwaid.
Be vewy afwaid . . .
I have a Waser Wifle.

And I'm probably dwinking too much coffee.