Jokes and Funny Stories

Cosmic

I have 3 blank posts of yours on my screen. Can you fix please?

======================================

Career Dreams

A father is asked by his friend, "Has your
son decided what he wants to be when he grows
up?" "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,"
replied the boy's father.

His friend thought for a moment and responded,
"That's a rather strange ambition to have for
a career."

"Well," said the boy's father, "he thinks that
garbage collectors only only work on Tuesdays!"

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

Only 2 blank posts now.

=============================

Chemistry Class

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his
5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor,
so he produced an experiment that involved a
glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.


"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said
the professor while putting a worm into the water.


The worm in the water writhed about, happy
as a worm in water could be. He then put the
second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and
writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to
the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?"
the professor asked.

Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised
his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink
whiskey and you won't get worms."

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

Cosmic is playing tricks again, lol....


There IS something in those posts, you just have to hit the 'quote reply' to see it.

Unfortunately, when I cut and paste, Firefox can't find the server and Explorer can find us.mg203.mail.yahoo.com but draws a blank when I try to load the whole address.

They are image addresses though....attempting to add one smilie says I have included 4 images in my message.

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

Your search - http://us.mg203.mail.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=1%5f7802 ... - did not match any documents.

I've exhausted my limited supply of options, lol....

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Clean whats zat

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation
drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could
never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the
other.

"You said it. Every one of the recipes began
the same way - 'Take a clean dish."

 

I think congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers
so we could identify their corporate sponsors.


Why don't the illegals stage rallies in Mexico
to change the laws and conditions there?


It's amazing how many beautiful women walk into your life
the week before you get married. (How true is this?)


A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage . . but
an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life. (I can relate)

 

This one may have been posted before but since I recently had to sort out some matters with my bank (to my satisfaction, I might add) I thought it was worth posting again.

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.


The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.

I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contract which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 10

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client


And remember:
Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

 

Political Jokes

I hear a lot of good or great jokes from the politicians and pundits. So during this elelction sesason, I thought it might be fun to have a thread for political jokes.

Without bias, I'll start with one I just heard.

A conservative, a moderate, and a liberal walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hi Mitt!".


|| Mod edit: There is a thread dedicated to jokes and funny stories. In the future, please post your jokes there.
Thread merged with joke-thread.

.

 

Confused

There was this Native American boy who was
confused so this is what he asked his mother:
Mom, why is my brother's name Windstorm?

She answered: Because he was conceived during
a wind storm.

Well, why is my sister's name Moon-shine? She
answered again: Because she was conceived when
the moon was shining.

The poor little boy looked sad and confused.

His mother said, ''Why are you so sad and confused
Brokenrubber?''

 

Loony Toon memories

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

In the United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona.
Case Number B191294, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding.

Wiley E Coyote: Plaintiff
versus
Acme Company: Defendant

Opening Statement of Harold Schoff, attorney for Mister Coyote: My client,
Mister Wiley E Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does
hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and
retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and
doing business in every state, district and territory. Mister Coyote seeks
compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental
suffering caused as a direct result the actions and/or gross negligence
of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47,
section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

Mister Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased
of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's
mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury
due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips
made out to Mister Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the posses-
sion of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mister
Coyote
have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession
of predator. Mister Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Work-
men's Compensation.

Mister Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via
parcel
post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mister Coyote was to use the
Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket
Sled Mister Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting
his
prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mister Coyote gripped the
handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate
force as to stretch Mister Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifty feet.
Subsequently, the rest of Mister Coyote's body shot forward with a violent
jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unex-
pectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such
speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along his path, the Rocket Sled
soon brought Mister Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he
was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mister Coyote vigorously attempted
to follow this maneuver but was unable to do so, due to poorly designed
steering and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter,
the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mister Coyote into
collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by
Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions
and tissue damage suffered by Mister Coyote as a result of this collision.
Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding
the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs.

Hampered by these injuries, Mister Coyote was nevertheless obliged to
support
himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility
one pair of rocket skates. When he attempted to use this product, however,
he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred
with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without
caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two)
to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety.
Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mister Coyote lost control of the Rocket
Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard
so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.

Mister Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document
he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of the Defendant: the
Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc.
(For a full listing see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and
attached deposition, entered into evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is
safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mister
Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the
expense of much time and personal effort, Mister Coyote constructed around
the
outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and
spiraling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on
the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical
explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down
to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mister Coyote placed a
generous
pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme
Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mister Coyote's
prey, seeing the bird seed, approached, and Mister Coyote proceeded to light
the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the
bomb to detonate.

In addition to reducing all Mister Coyote's careful preparation to naught,
the
premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following dis-
figurements to Mister Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the
aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling,
and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.

We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of
these purchased by Mister Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D.
Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of
the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date no
explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunc-
tion. As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two
wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high
tensile strength and compressed into a tightly coiled position by a cocking
device with a lanyard release. Mister Coyote believed that this product
would
enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase,
when swift reflexes are at a premium.

To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mister Coyote affixed
them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the
boulder was a path which Mister Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mister
Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in
readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within
a short time Mister Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming
toward
him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mister Coyote, well within range of
the springs at full extension. Mister Coyote gauged the distance with care
and
proceeded to pull the lanyard release.

At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mister Coyote forward
and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme
Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mister Coyote. As the
intended prey looked on unharmed, Mister Coyote hung suspended in air. Then
the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mister Coyote to a violent feet-first
collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters
falling upon his lower extremities.

The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon
Mister
Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The
boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce
down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its
velocity. At each bounce, Mister Coyote came into contact with the boulder,
or the boulder came into contact with Mister Coyote, or both came into
contact
with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for
some time.

A sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mister
Coyote, viz., flattening of the cranium, sideways replacement of the
tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of
vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical
axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mister Coyote's body
tissues -- a rare and painful condition which caused Mister Coyote to expand
upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit off-key,
accordionlike wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing
nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mister Coyote's
pursuit
of a normal social life.

As the Court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manu-
facture and sale of goods required by Mister Coyote's work. It is our con-
tention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of
the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites,
Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much
as he has come to distrust Defendant's products, Mister Coyote has no other
domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our
trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a
situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in
the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.

Mister Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger
economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seven-
teen million dollars. In addition, Mister Coyote seeks actual damages
(missed
meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one
million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation)
of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty
thousand dollars. Total damages: thirty-eight million seven hundred and
fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mister Coyote the full amount, this
Court
will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors,
and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right
of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.

--The New Yorker Magazine, Feb. 26, 1990 (author not credited)

 

Dealing with Traffic

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But,
as time went by, the traffic slowly built up
at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy
and so fast that his chickens were being run
over at a rate of three to six a day. So one
day he called the sheriff's office and said,
You've got to do something about all of these
people driving so fast and killing all of my
chickens." "What do you want me to do?" asked
the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those
drivers."

So the next day he had the county go out and
put up a sign t hat said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.


Three days later the farmer called the sheriff
and said, "You've got to do something about these
drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to
make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff
sends out the county and they put up a new sign:
SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up. So the farmer
called and called and called everyday for three
weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs
are doing no good. Is it all right for me to
put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your
own sign." He was going to let the farmer do
just about anything in order to have him stop
calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls
from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the
sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem
with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"


"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been
killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy."
And he hung up the phone. The sheriff thought
to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house
and look at that sign... There might be something
there that WE could use to slow down drivers..."


So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house,
and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of
plywood. And written in large yellow letters
were the words:

SLOW: NUDIST COLONY.

 

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

LMAO when I was a little kid...I mean little as in a year or two old I thought Spongebob was made out of cheese

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Is this horse laughing? Sure looks like it to me.

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

I know the feeling.

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

One very smart guy!

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

I don't really get this one. No golfer in his right mind would play this ball where it lies.

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!