# Jokes and Funny Stories

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Microzoft, Jan 21, 2003.

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1. ### scheherazadeNorthern Horse WhispererValued Senior Member

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As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. you'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, 'What does this do?' 'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy that?' Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls' come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for 'Lovable Louise.' She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy, but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
'What the hell is that?' she asked.

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'

'Who would play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

I kept my mouth shut.

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued.

'Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have any teeth?'

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, 'Hang on Granny, hang on!'

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ' Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?' I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the mantel, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.

I can't wait until next Christmas.

2. ### Billy TValued Senior Member

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21,969
Good story, probably mostly true except for the grand dad part.

Anyway scheherazade sounds like it might be a good Jewish name. If it is, tell brother Jay to look this gal up (she would fill those panty hose quite nicely):

3. ### KilljoyKlownWhateverValued Senior Member

Messages:
7,174
10 Characteristics of The Company Car...

- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.

- Has a much shorter braking distance than
the private car.

- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of
private cars.

- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires
never have to be checked.

- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the
oil warning light flashing.

- It needs cleaning less often than private
cars.

- The suspension is reinforced to allow for
the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and
other building material.

- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily
eliminated by turning up the radio.

- It needs no security system and may be left
anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the
ignition.

- It is especially sand and waterproof for
barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote
beaches.

4. ### KilljoyKlownWhateverValued Senior Member

Messages:
7,174
Can you imagine being married to this woman for a life time?

A Dying Wish

There was an elderly man at home, upstairs,
dying in bed.

He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate
before he died. He fell out of bed, crawled to
the landing, rolled down the stairs and crawled
into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking

With his last remaining strength he crawled
to the table and was just barely able to lift
his withered arm to the cookie sheet. As he grasped
a warm, moist chocolate chip cookie, his favorite
kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with
a spatula.

Gasping for breath, he asked her, "Why did
you do that?"

"Those are for the funeral."

5. ### scheherazadeNorthern Horse WhispererValued Senior Member

Messages:
3,868
A lady is helping her husband installing his computer, then
having completed that successfully, she said that he now
should have a password that he would easily remember, so
that he would be able to use his computer when it asked

Being a bit of a He man, he winks at his wife and says "penis",
as he enters the password and presses the mouse button, his wife bursts into a hysterical fit of laughter.......

The computer answers, "Too Short" entry refused.

6. ### KilljoyKlownWhateverValued Senior Member

Messages:
7,174
A Lesson Learned

Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby
suburban girl's junior college. During class
one day he asked his student, "Miss Simison,
would you please name the organ of the human
body, which under the appropriate conditions,
expands to six times its normal size, and define
the conditions."

Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr. Cikoch,
I don't think that is a proper question to ask
me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.
"With that she sat down red-faced.

Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked
the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure,
replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And now, Miss
Simison, I have three things to say to you. One,
you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have
a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be

7. ### KilljoyKlownWhateverValued Senior Member

Messages:
7,174
A man will pay $2 for a$1 item he wants. A woman
will pay $1 for a$2 item that she doesn't want.

A woman worries about the future until she
gets a husband. A man never worries about the
future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money
than his wife can spend. A successful woman is
one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man you must understand
him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with
a woman you must love her a lot & not try to
understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but
married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's
no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to
bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change,
but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting
that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning
of a new one.

8. ### scheherazadeNorthern Horse WhispererValued Senior Member

Messages:
3,868
Women have many faults, while men have only two.....

Everything they say.....

and everything they do. (just kidding.....)

My father-in-law was a wise man and gave his son the following advice:
'Never argue with a woman, son, for even when you're right, it'll turn out wrong.'

We had but one tearful discussion in 14 years. (true)

There is no better teacher than the freedom to make your own mistakes. (my opinion)

9. ### farther93Registered Senior Member

Messages:
20
I have one...

A young boy runs to his father. His father is busy reading the newspaper, but the young boy proceeds to talk anyway.

"Daddy, the maid said we have ghosts in the house." The young boy said, watching his father.

The father peers up from his newspaper at his son. "Son, pack your things," he says. The young boy curiously asks "why?"

The father responds:
"Because, son... We have no maid."

10. ### scheherazadeNorthern Horse WhispererValued Senior Member

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3,868
Cute......in a twisted way.

11. ### KilljoyKlownWhateverValued Senior Member

Messages:
7,174
a religious experience

There was a lady sitting on a bench when an
old man came over to sit down. He moved over
to her side and said "Do you believe in the hereafter?"
and she said "Yes" Then he replied, "Then you
know what I'm hereafter."

12. ### KilljoyKlownWhateverValued Senior Member

Messages:
7,174
A RVing couple

A RVing couple, both born the same year and
month, were celebrating their 60th birthdays.
During the celebration, a fairy appeared and
said that because they had been so loving she
would grant them each one wish.

Very excited, the wife said that since she
her RV she would like to visit Europe. The fairy
waved her magic wand; airline tickets instantly
appeared in her hand.

Then it was the husband's turn. He paused for
a moment, then said with a sly look, "Well, I'd
like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand, and presto, he was
90.

13. ### scheherazadeNorthern Horse WhispererValued Senior Member

Messages:
3,868
:bravo: Yes. We must consider carefully that which we wish for, LOL.... There are several paths to the same conclusion.

14. ### KilljoyKlownWhateverValued Senior Member

Messages:
7,174
Yes It might have been better if the fairy made the wife 30 years younger. However that was a badly worded wish that just wasn't going to turn out well for the man.

15. ### KilljoyKlownWhateverValued Senior Member

Messages:
7,174
A Sound Theory on the Virtue of Beer

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as
the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back
that are killed first. This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the
general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest
members.

In much the same way the human brain can only
operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive
intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells,
but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first. In this way regular consumption
of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making
the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few
beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

16. ### scheherazadeNorthern Horse WhispererValued Senior Member

Messages:
3,868
For the record, I would have given you kudos even if the gender of the joke had been reversed. I greatly appreciate irony. We humans are so predictable, lol....

17. ### dumbest man on earthReal Eyes Realize Real LiesValued Senior Member

Messages:
2,320
A wildlife tale!
A bear wakes up during hibernation and can't get back to sleep.After tossing and turning for quite a while, he decides that he will just go into town and get a few beers and try again.
He brushes his teeth, combs his hair or whatever a bear does before he goes out and heads out.
Before too awful long, he ends up in Boise, Idaho. He meanders around until he ends up in the Bar/Nightclub district, picks one and goes in and sets himself down at the end of the bar.
Bartender walks down and asks "How may I help you?" The bear replies "May I get a draft beer, please?" Bartender replies "Sorry bud, we don't sell beers to bears in bars in Boise!"
Bear says "Come on man, I just need a couple beers to help me get back to sleep?" Bartender says "Like I told you, we don't sell beers to bears in bars in Boise!"
Being somewhat perturbed the bear says "Look I don't want to cause any trouble, I just want to quietly drink a couple of beers and then I'll head back to hibernation!" Bartender again replies "Look, it's like I told you, we don't sell beers to bears in bars in Boise!"
The bear looks around, sees a lady and her fella dancing on the dance floor. He gets up from his stool, walks over, swats the man across floor against the wall with his mighty paw and picks up the lady and finishes her off in a few bites!
He walks back over to his stool and sits down with flesh and blood and a few bits of torn leather miniskirt hanging from his maw (this happened back in the 1980's!) and says "Now barkeep, may I please have a beer without any more trouble?"
The bartender looks him straight in the eyes and says "I told you before, we don't sell beers to bears in bars in Boise! Especially, beers to bears in bars in Boise on DRUGS!!!"
Indignantly, the bear replies "I'm sorry but I do not do drugs!"
The bartender says "I'm sorry, too, but I have to point out that that was a BAR BITCH YOU ATE!!"

Great joke when told aloud - but doesn't read quite as funny. Drunks really seem to enjoy the tounge-twisty bears beers bars Boise part, though!

Last edited: Dec 20, 2011
18. ### KilljoyKlownWhateverValued Senior Member

Messages:
7,174
a Sunday afternoon quickie

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to
pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their
ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send
him out on the balcony and tell him to report
on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents
put their plan into operation. "There's a car
being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An
ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he
called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the
Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,"
his son replied.

19. ### Billy TValued Senior Member

Messages:
21,969
Or for more of a hereafter joke:

Him to her in car parked on rural dirt road:

"If you are not hereafter what I'm hereafter, you will be hereafter I'm gone."

20. ### KilljoyKlownWhateverValued Senior Member

Messages:
7,174
Hereafter

The preacher told me the other day I should be thinking about the Hereafter. I told him, "I do, all the time. No matter where I am -- in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or in the basement - I'm always asking myself,
'Now, what am I here after?'" Inspirational Last Words Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. Several days later, at the funeral, as the pastor was finishing the eulogy, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred had died. He said, "you know, ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note, and read aloud, "you're standing on my oxygen tube!"