# Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

1. ### R1D2many leagues under the sea.Valued Senior Member

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Ah but the pangins are
In true color ..

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11. ### R1D2many leagues under the sea.Valued Senior Member

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Truck Captain Stumpy likes this.
12. ### birchValued Senior Member

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u wee be banned in a jiffy. falz.

13. ### Michael 345Looking for Bali in NovValued Senior Member

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Young English countryside lady visited the Doctor
She was concerned about two green spots which had appeared on her inner thighs
The local GP was baffled so he called up a aquantence skin specialist
The GP heard
"Yes I have...yes he has...yes I will tell him... thank you"
She hung up before the GP took back the phone
So the GP asked " What did the dermatologist say?
"He asked if I had a Gypsy boyfriend - I have. He asked if he had large hoop earrings - I said he did. He said to tell boyfriend they are not gold but brass and he should take them off before he kisses me"

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16. ### sculptorValued Senior Member

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It's pussy willow time.............
anecdote
Happy childhood memories:
One day(I must have done something wrong) My stepdad said: "Go and get a stick so I can beat you with it!"
So- out the back door across the back yard, over the fence, up through the corn field, over the fence, across the road, over the fence, down through the bean field, over the fence, down into and through the swamp and up into the abandoned gravel pit(several acres)... and an afternoon of fun exploring the bunkers and hills and pools----then---It was getting late, so back down into the swamp, along the edge of which was a pussy willow tree, so I picked some. Then across the swamp, fence, bean field, fence, road, fence, cornfield, fence... and I got home just at twilight time. As I walked in through the front door, the family was gathered at the dining table, and my stepdad leaned back in his chair and bellowed: "Where the hell have you been!" ... Producing a pussy willow sprig from my pocket, i declared: "It took a long time to find the right stick." ... As I handed him the pussy willow twig, He laughed and said: "sit down and join us for supper".
For over 60 years now, pussy willow time always brings back happy memories of my stepdad.

...................
Happy pussy willow time to all present.

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17. ### Dr_ToadIt's green!Valued Senior Member

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Wonderful, thanks!

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18. ### Michael 345Looking for Bali in NovValued Senior Member

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A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter

19. ### Michael 345Looking for Bali in NovValued Senior Member

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A hands on boss thought he would check how the latest intake of sales staff were managing their first work day

He announced over the PA to finish up 1 hour early and to meet in the canteen

Walking around he asked each to give brief details of their day

He heard

"10 customers 8 sales" with a few variations

However one person said 1 customer

"Only one?"

"Yes sir but I sold him about 25 items"

"Still one customer, how much did he spend?"

"A little over $45,000 sir and he's coming back tomorrow for about another$30,000 worth of stuff"

"Good god what did you sell him?"

"Well I started with a small fish hook. He said he didn't think he would catch much with that. So we moved onto larger hooks, tackle boxes, rods, reels, eskies, outfits. When he mentioned he didn't really want to stand at the edge of a lake all day I took him to the boating department and he bought a runnerabout with trailer"

"And tomorrow?"

"Well he said he didn't think his car would be able to tow the boat so we went to the automotive department and he picked out a car and they are fitting a towbar now"

"That's amazing. Well done. And all he came in for was a fish hook. Stand up please" Turning to the rest of the staff he pointed to the salesman "This ladies and gentlemen is what being a salesperson is all about. From a $5 hook to$45,000 plus sales"

"Excuse me sir he didn't come here for a fish hook"

"But you said"

"Sir he came in for some tampons for his girlfriend and I said Well your weekend just went down the drain. What do you think about fishing?"

20. ### Michael 345Looking for Bali in NovValued Senior Member

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Psychiatrists vs Bartenders

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM

'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for \$10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!
'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!'

FORGET THE SHRINKS.........

HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO A BARTENDER!

Cut and paste from a email from a friend no longer here and I'm doing a Hillary on my email account - some are worth passing on

21. ### Michael 345Looking for Bali in NovValued Senior Member

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Three kids were up in court on drug charges
The judge who was about to hear the case thought that as it was their first offence he would see if he could find a way to give them a break
He gave each a A5 sheet of paper
In the bottom left corner was a small circle
O

Most of the rest of the paper was taken up with a large circle

"Now take these sheets with you and use the two circles to explain to others why you should not take drugs. Back in court in 3 days"

When they got back the first boy said
"I convinced 7 not to take drugs. I spoke to a scout meeting and 7 promised not to take drugs. I said their heart would not grow to a big size as a adult and would always stay small like a child"

Second boy
I convinced 25 at a shopping centre. As the crowd were at my table I explained if they took drugs the number of friends would be a very small circle. If they didn't take drugs their friends could be as many as the shoppers in the centre"

Third boy
"My dad is in the Television Industry. He arranged I go on a chat show. We had a hotline set up. I showed the paper to the camera. I explained if you take drugs you will get caught and go to prison. One the first day in prison your arsehole will be this big and pointed to the small circle. When you leave it will be this big and pointed to the big circle. We had over 8,000 call in saying they would not do drugs"

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22. ### Michael 345Looking for Bali in NovValued Senior Member

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When I was a trainee midwife this was THE joke

Midwife comes into the husbands waiting area goes over to one of the gentleman and whispers to him and he gets up and they exit the room

Outside she says "There were problems with the baby"
He ask "Has he all his fingers and toes?"
No I'm sorry to say has no limbs"
" OMG. What about the body? Is that strong?"
" Sorry body is almost non existent "
"Well one of the ears developed to a enormous size and took over much of the head"

"Well no matter. My wife and I will take care of our offspring. Can I see him please?"
"Of course"

Takes him into the nursery. There in the bassinet was as the midwife said a large ear

Father pulls back the cover
"No matter what we will care for you"

The midwife says
"You will have to speak louder, he's deaf"

We really were a nice bunch though

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23. ### Michael 345Looking for Bali in NovValued Senior Member

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Sargent Major moving down the ranks inspecting the troops

"PRIVATE JONES"

"Yes sir, Sargent Major, sir?"

"
I DIDN'T SEE YOU AT THE JUNGLE CAMOUFLAGE PARADE YESTERDAY"

"Yes sir, thank you sir"