Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

    One for rebel kids and pet lovers

    Teacher was asking her class of 5 year olds to tell the class about their pets

    A few got up telling about dogs goldfish bunny rabbits and other pets

    As the number of children coming up slowed she realised no-one had mentioned a cat

    "Does anyone have a cat pet?"

    No response

    "No one has a cat?"

    Little Mary's hand went up slowly

    "Yes Mary?"

    "I had a cat with a stutter but it died"

    "Would you like to tell the class about it?"

    Mary came slowly forward

    "My cat was called Mixie and she died because she stuttered" she said with tears starting to form

    "She was playing in our backyard when the big boxer dog next door jumped the fence

    Mixie got angry, arched her back and started to hiss Ffff Ffff Ffff but before she could say Fuck Off he bite her"

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  3. Xelasnave.1947 Valued Senior Member

    Hubby arrived home a little late after a few drinks after work.
    His wife was in bed reading.

    He walked into the bedroom with a glass of water and three asprins in his hand.

    "Here you go darling take these."

    She said.

    "But I don't have a head ache"

    Excited he replied.

    "Great we can have sex then!"

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  5. Xelasnave.1947 Valued Senior Member

    The club attendant noticed a man who seemed tipsy was putting money in the candy machine and each time a candy bar came out he yelled out.

    "You little beauty"

    He would the put the candy bar in his pocket and put more money in the machine.

    Again when the candy bar dropped he would yell "You little beauty" and put the candy bar in his pocket.

    His yelling seemed to be upsetting other club members so the club attendant went over and said.

    "Sir you are upsetting other club members so I am afraid I must ask you to leave"

    The man clearly upset replied.

    "Yeah that would be right..ask me to leave just when I have hit a winning streak".

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  7. Truck Captain Stumpy The Right Honourable Reverend Truck Captain Valued Senior Member

    the wife is a church going woman, whereas i am as anti-religion as you can get

    the other day she bought some large beverage jug-coolers with button spouts

    she asked me if she should take one to her church for the kids youth group to use

    i said "churches and Kool-aid don't go well together... remember Jonestown and Heavens Gate?"

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    i am so glad my wife has a sense of humour
    Miami Bonde

    a blonde walks into a shoe store in Miami
    the store owner is showing her around and she locks her eyes on these expensive alligator shoes
    "How much are those?" asks the Blonde
    the owner replied "$700 a pair. are you interested? i can box up a pair for you right now!"
    The blonde is shocked.
    "$700 a pair?" she screamed, "no way am i going to pay that! i'll go get my own!"
    the owner shrugged
    "more power to you... Alligator alley is right up the road" he says
    the blonde stalked out muttering under her breath

    the store owner closed up shop an hour later and decided to drive out alligator alley to see a friend
    as he gets down the road he comes upon the blonde holding a rifle surrounded by 5 dead alligators
    he is stunned! "She was serious" he thinks
    he gets out and wanders over to her to ask her why she had killed so many gators when she lifts the rifle, fires and kills another alligator
    she runs to it, flips it over and cusses

    "SH*T... this one isn't wearing shoes either!"
    sculptor and Xelasnave.1947 like this.
  8. Xelasnave.1947 Valued Senior Member

    George was a stable hand who's job it was to each day to prepare a big white horse for riding and wait with it until a beautiful girl came out of the mansion and rode off on the horse returning after an hour whereupon George would take the horse back to the stable.

    George had fallen in love with the girl but as he was a mere servant he could not do anything.

    So he asked his friend for advice.

    His friend suggest to George to start a conversation and in time he would be able to move the relationship forward and tell this girl that he had fallen in love with her.

    "I can't start the conversation she has to speak to me first because I am just a servant..I don't know what to do I just love her so much"

    I know said the friend paint the horse pink and she will comment and you can then talk to her and in time you can tell her how you feel about her.

    Oh that's a great idea said George.
    I love her so much and I would like to be able to tell her.

    So George painted the horse pink and waited.

    The girl came down the next morning and rode off and didn't say a thing.

    George waited and waited, she was gone for over two hours this morning and in that two hours he could not stop thinking how much he loved her.

    Finally she returned got off the horse and started to walk inside the mansion.

    George thought his plan to express his deep love for her had failed.

    But she turned to him and said.
    "I say, this horse is pink"

    Finally his chance to get a conversation going had arrived.

    "Yes it sure you want to have sex?"

  9. Truck Captain Stumpy The Right Honourable Reverend Truck Captain Valued Senior Member

    have you been following me around again?


    true story - just happened:
    i hate the phone. always have. i also hate telemarketers and scam artists... i have a tendency to answer the phone with random business names, from Domino's pizza to local liquor stores to random named churches (Church of the great pastagfarian ...).

    this is how i dealt with one just about an hour ago:

    Phone rings - the number displayed is "Jamaica Phone"

    I answer it "County Morgue"
    there is a long pause... "Hello?" says the other voice. "I am calling from publishers clearing house..."
    i interrupted "Ok, hold on. P-u-b-l..."
    the man asks, "What are you spelling?"
    "where you're from... it has to be legally logged when you call the morgue, just like it has to be recorded, so that the state can prosecute offenders or establish data for forensics. So... are you delivering a body or do i need to pick one up?"
    long pause.... "uhm... I'm not calling about a body..."
    I interrupt again "why would you call the morgue if you don't have a pickup or delivery? are you looking for a date with a corpse or jsut really trying hard to get the FBI to look into you?"
    the line goes dead

    usually i don't get called back from those type numbers
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  10. Dr_Toad It's green! Valued Senior Member

    Awesome. That's why I don't have a phone.
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  11. sculptor Valued Senior Member

    I had a friend in Chicago who answered his phone "City morgue, you stab 'em we slab 'em".

    My sculpting mentor used to answer his phone: "Intergalactic androids, we service what we sell".

    A couple years ago a cold call salesman said: "I have an incredible offer for you" "incredible?" I answered, then "Thanks for warning me in advance" click.
  12. Truck Captain Stumpy The Right Honourable Reverend Truck Captain Valued Senior Member

    i love grandkids... why?

    When a telemarketer calls, give the phone to the nearest child and tell them it's Santa on the phone!


    don't tease, BOSS... it aint fair for us Peons
    i wish i could get rid of mine... but da wife says i gotta have a leash cause i cause trouble
  13. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

    Mine is not that good

    Got a call saying

    "We have just deposited $375 into your bank account"

    Me "Thanks that's great"

    Hung up

    Funny though when I got my bank statement no mention of the money

    Wonder why

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  14. Xelasnave.1947 Valued Senior Member

    I get a call one day.
    Blah blah etc.
    He pauses.
    I say in an innocent sounding voice.

    "I'm a good boy I tie my own shoe laces"

    More blah blah...pause.

    "I'm a good boy mummy says cause I tie my shoe laces"

    "Oh" he says "you're a retard OK bye".

    End of story.

    Years ago my late father in law lived in a van on my place down the river so he gave my address and phone number when he ordered mail order which he did a lot. So his name went on the list..every list I guess.

    For years after he passed away the phone would ring.

    " Good evening could I speak to Mr. X."

    I would answer.

    " Mr. X ? You want to speak to Mr. X?"

    Them.."Yes Mr.X "

    Me "Are you sure? You would like to speak to Mr.X"

    Them with confidence now believing Mr.X was home.

    " Yes, yes I would like to speak to Mr.X"

    Me "Mr.X? Are you sure?"

    Them "Yes please Mr.X"

    Me " Mr.X he is dead." And say nothing more as they squirm.

    As they squirm after a long pause "why do you want to talk to him" making out I am still coping with him passing. They could never come out and say they had a great deal on hotels whatever.

    But it took years for those calls to stop and so I had years of fun.

  15. Xelasnave.1947 Valued Senior Member

    The phone rings.

    Blah blah blah..

    In an inoccent voice.

    "Do you want to talk to daddy?"

    Them "yes can you get daddy?"

    Me " Daddy is in bed tickling mummy ... I am a good boy I tie my shoe laces all by myself"
    "I get daddy now"...
    Put the phone down and make a cup of tea and when I remember put back on the hook.

    End of story.

    There is a guy who puts stuff on utube audio only of funny telly market calls he records.

    One he makes out he is a detective at a murder scene...

    " so you want to talk to Mr X..I am detective Y and I am investigating the murder of Mr X could you tell me about your relationship with MrX ..."
    He goes on and on and just so funny...

  16. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

    A blonde is walking down the street when she meets two guys looking up at a flagpole. "What's up, guys?" she asks.

    "Our boss wants to know the height of this flagpole but we can't figure out how to get to the top."

    The blonde looks at the pole for a minute, then takes out a multi-tool, loosens two bolts and lowers the flagpole to the ground. Then she takes out a tape measure and announces, "Sixteen feet, three inches."

    As she walks away, the two guys look at each other shaking their heads. "Typical blonde. We ask her for the height and she gives us the length."
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  17. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

    Morning all

    Was going to put this in Michael345 radio tech thread but it will fit here

    A few days after I was transferred to the Radar unit I was given a folder by the Sargent in the section and told ' see what you can do with this '

    I took the chance to sit in the kitchen section and have a coffee while I read through the folder

    It didn't make sense

    It described a intermittent fault where the display would produce what looked like static

    Since it was intermittent there was no way to observe it except to leave a note taped to the display asking the operator to call me if the fault occurred

    This had been done by others and I noted some parts of the unit had been replaced on suspicion of being the cause

    No luck

    Thinking about the problem at lunch one day and talking shop I asked one of the other Leading Aircraftsmen who had been at the Radar unit but was now posted at the workshop if he had any ideas

    He told me that there was no fault

    The folder was a test to see if the newbie would waste time on it

    Then he told me about a idea he and a few others had at the time he was given the folder but didn't have time to carry out before they were posted to other units

    Did I want to try it?

    Sure did

    Few weeks later I called the Sargent to say I had found the problem but didn't know what to do about it

    If he wanted I could take him to the fault

    I took him up to the dusty part of the wave guide where it run under the roof and shone the torch on a small flap on top of the guide just before it left the roof

    It was locked with a combination lock

    Back in the kitchen I could see he was puzzled but I told him if I explained what it was he was please not to take any disciplinary action

    He said I had better tell him or else

    It turns out many of the techs had taken the talk about radiation causing sterility to heart

    After talking to the base medic (no one knew I had been a medic and changed mustering) hatched the plan to make themselves temporary sterile

    They would tee up with the operator to turn off the particular unit

    Go into the roof

    Unlock the flap

    Sit astride the wave guide

    Put his balls in the hole

    and signal the operator to briefly turn the unit on then off

    I told the Sargent I did not know how they calculated the exposure time or if it worked

    I was told to keep my mouth shut while he checked it out

    After a few weeks I was called with a few others before the Sargent

    Of course there was no such problem and no such solution to the problem

    His idea was sound with the non existent fault to find time wasters

    But the come back genius

    The locked flap was just glued onto the wave guide without cutting a hole in the guide (very unwise and subject to Court Marshall)

    Sarg took it well and the pub was busy that night BUT we all got the impression don't do anything like that again

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  18. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

    Last year I went to Ireland to visit uncle Paddy

    He's the world famous Irish veterinarian

    The first vet to successfully seperate a Siamese cat

    He told me he had a bad day the previous week

    He was called to a friend's house to check his sons pet jellyfish

    He had to tell him the sad news it had set

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  19. Confused2 Registered Senior Member

    Is Mrs C2 being attacked by a tiger? No. Just putting on a pair of tights.
  20. Xelasnave.1947 Valued Senior Member

    A new exclusive eating place opened advertising that they had no menu because they could prepare any meal you could order without exception.
    If you could order a dish they could not prepare you would get your other dishes free.

    So George and his wife Mildred decided to try them out.

    "Can you prepare me a kiwi stewed in a brown moss broth with Arabian date wine and guava juice?" asked George.

    "Certainly sir and for the lady" replied their waiter.

    George was taken back he thought he had them after all he had asked for a vary rare dish but thought he could stump them with his request for Mildred.

    "My wife would like the ear of a albino elephant deep fried on a plain lightly toasted bun"

    The waiter paused and went on to say...

    "I am very sorry sir I can not bring you that".

    George triumphantly asked.

    " Oh , out of albino elephant ears are we?"

    Waiter replied casually.

    "No sir out of buns!"

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  21. Equinox Registered Senior Member

    My father in law was about to go on holiday, and he likes to browse the internet. Being abroad he was not inclined to pay the silly prices they wanted to browse the world wide web: so he came to me with a cunning plan:

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    "Just download it for me" he says.
    "What?" I say.

    "Download the internet for me, that way I won't have to pay for roaming".

    It took some time for me to explain the in's and out's for the 'internet' to him. And by the end of it, he said:

    "Ok... but I still don't understand why you can't just download it for me before I go, I have a 8gb memory stick, that should be plenty!

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    He got along fine without me downloading the internet for him and had a lovely holiday.
  22. Torry Cox Registered Member


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    My husband would say the same
  23. Equinox Registered Senior Member

    A blonde walks into the Dr's and says "Everything I touch hurts. I touch my nose, it hurts, I touch my ear it hurts, I touch my leg, it hurts, I don't know what's wrong with me".

    The Dr looks at her for a moment, and then reply's: "My dear, you have a broken finger".

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