Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    6,493
    OK, so it is wrong to laugh, but British humor is still funny.


    British Humour:

    I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

    After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

    IT’S A BOY," I shouted, "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY!" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!

    An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan. He is making land mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. Prophets are going through the roof!!

    A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD.' Granny replies, 'fuck the pills; have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?'

    Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more: my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
     
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  3. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is so sweet and gentlemanly, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice, and gave up the beans. Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
     
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  5. scheherazade Northern Horse Whisperer Valued Senior Member

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  7. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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  8. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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  9. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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  10. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?" He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure."She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."
     
  11. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    When I was 12 or 13 my father had cable service added to the upstairs for myself and my siblings. The guy was able to install everything just fine, but when it came to hooking up the cable to the tv with a VCR, Nintendo, and Super Nintendo attached, the guy was clueless. He said he'd come back to it while he put the cable box in my sister's room. He came back not 5 minutes later to find me happily playing video games. He said "How did you do that?" My reply: I'm the kid. Never trust an adult to fiddle with electronics." And to think I almost worked for them years later...
     
  12. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
     
  13. Billy T Use Sugar Cane Alcohol car Fuel Valued Senior Member

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    23,198
    Warning: This post is not a funny story, but true. It is some facts that should scare you if you care about your grand children.
    Actually, "meat" made from vegetable sources is now being sold. Meat is protein, oil, fibers, and two other classes I forget - all available from plants. At one grocery store selling this synthetic meat for a few weeks, by accident, the hamburger paddies sold were made with the synthetic, not animal derived, meat and not one complaint was received. When store discovered the error, they corrected it as the synthetic meats was more expensive per pound. Mainly the financially well off vegetarians are intentionally buying it but some "health nuts" do too as the oil used is much better for your health than the fat of beef.

    Synthetic meat is also made from cultured (greatly expanded in volume) stem cells of animals. See: http://io9.com/meat-made-from-stem-cells-is-the-food-of-the-future-1579003346 but that approach is, at present, many times more costly per pound.

    None of these sources has tapped a funding source, AFAIK, they could use: "carbon credits" (which are available for reduction of any green house gas, including methane, which is a much more damaging GHG). Rudiments, like beef cattle, daily discharge huge volumes of both CO2 and CH4 (out the front end mainly in belches). I am investigating how many times more credit should fairly be given for reducing release of a Kg of CH4 than a Kg of CO2. The correct answer with a 10 year time horizon is more than 100. At least two CH4 reduction programs at coal mines are now receiving carbon credits - I'm just too busy now to follow up and learn what greater than unity credit they are getting.

    Brazil where I live has the world's largest herd of beef cattle and gets ~85% of its electric power from hydroelectric dams plus an additional nearly 5% for burning crushed sugar cane. (The heat released is much greater than needed for alcohol distillation.)* Also now at least half of the cars on the road used alcohol fuel which is slightly "carbon negative" due to cane roots left in the ground and the alcohol always in large storage tanks and a several hundred thousand car fuel tanks. All that stored alcohol has had its carbon removed from the air. The only economically way to do that is via growing green plants.

    Thus by far the largest source of GHG in Brazil is the large cattle herd. If all the world stopped eating beef and used sugar cane alcohol fueled cars, Brazil would be slightly "carbon negative" and a major source of CO2 - tail pipes of gasoline fueled cars - would be eliminated.

    When Greenland's ice cap melts as it is now with considerable rate of acceleration, NYC will be flooded (sea surface will be ~20 feet higher). Parts of Antarctica's floating ice sheets are both thinning and breaking up, moving northward into warmer water and melting; however, the warmer oceans are increasing the snow falls in Antarctica, so it will only add an additional 25 foot to the sea rise (not the more than 200 feet if it all melted.)

    The economic loss of only a 30 foot sea rise is more than civilization can stand, if it happens in a few decades, as expected. Thus, perhaps you should consider becoming a vegetarian, not for PETA's reasons, but so your grand children don't try to survive, hungry in a restored stone age. Sea water permeates the soil far inland from the coast line. Why there is no fresh water to drink in many islands like Curacao, which imports all its drinking water from Venezuela. Curacao also cannot grow any crops, except for salt tolerant "key limes" grown in the Florida key islands for the same reason. The Heineken beer factory on Curacao uses distilled sea water. I know as I was there for their first independence day celebration eating the free goat stew and drinking very cheap (that day) Heineken beer. Only goats can live on the salt tolerant grass that will grow there so goat stew is the national dish.)

    Not in the US, but globally this reduction in arable land (by salt inundation) will starve to death more than the total US population as in rice growing Asia more than half of the rice fields will be lost.

    * This a major part of the reason why sugar cane alcohol has an ERE (Energy Return on Energy used) of nearly 10 while Iowa's corn based alcohol has an ERE of 1.5 at best (some studies, including one by Cornell) show that ERE is less than unity as normally natural gas provides the distillation heat. Also to accelerate growth in short growing season Iowa, many time more Nitrogen Fertilizers is used. Most of which is converted by soil bacteria in the very damaging NOx. In fact, from a green house gas POV, just using gasoline in your car is LESS damaging than using "gasohol" made with Iowa corn. Governments often do exactly the wrong thing if the ignorant masses that vote can be told lies that make more money for some (in this case a few already very rich Iowa industrial scale farms).
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 29, 2014
  14. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie." Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. She replied suggesting that her daughter wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to her neck. But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your sexiest negligee, with a Vee neck right down to your navel." The man protested: "Rabbi, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?" "No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.
     
  15. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    Little Johnny was sitting one day on a dock. Along came a preacher and sat down beside him. Little Johnny had a mason jar full of what looked like water and he was turning it over and over, watching the bubbles float through it. The Preacher asked, "What are you doing with that water?" Little Johnny studied the contents of the jar for a moment, then explained, "Preacher, this here is turpentine. It's the strongest liquid in the world." The preacher replied, "Son, Holy water is the strongest liquid
    in the world. Did you know if you rub a little Holy water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a baby boy?" Little Johnny thought about this one for a minute, and then remarked, "Nope, this here turpentine is still the strongest because if you rub it on a cat's ass, it can pass a speeding car!"
     
  16. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    A dad walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25-cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?" "Oh, good heavens no" the man replies, "I work for the IRS."
     
  17. Truck Captain Stumpy Registered Senior Member

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    890
    for the slightly more disturbed sense of humour...


    How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb?
    Apparently not 3, because my basement is still dark....


    How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
    3 !
    1 to hold the giraffe and two to pour the brightly colored machine tools into the bathtub!


    99% of all lawyers give the rest a bad name


    I would post some politician jokes, but we've already elected them to office, and it's just not funny anymore....
     
  18. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic -- anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his
    wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed. The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.


    Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?



    ///////




    ///////





    They were M&M's of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (What were you thinking?)
     
  19. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    15,380
    One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God... "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've being complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your... ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advise to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first...So, just remember... it's our secret... Woman-to-woman!"
     
  20. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    Three racehorses were standing in a stable bragging to each other one day. The first horse boasts "I've been in 59 races and I've won 35 of them." "That's nothing," says the second horse. "I've raced 97 times, and I've won 78 of them!" The third horse joins in: "Well, I've raced 122 times and I've won 102!" Just then, the horses hear a voice say, "I've got you all beat!" The horses look down and sees a greyhound. "I've raced over 200 times, and I have NEVER lost!" The horses look at the dog in amazement. One of them says "How about that! A talking dog!"
     
  21. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    Three men arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks the first man, "Religion?"The first man replies, "Episcopalian." St. Peter looks down his list and says, "go to room 24. But be very quiet as you pass room 8."To the second man St. Peter asks, "Religion." The second man replies "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list and says, "Go to room 14. But be very quiet as you pass room 8."To the third man St. Peter asks. "Religion." The third man replies, "Baptist." St. Peter looks down his list and says. "Go to room 21. But be very quiet as you pass room 8." The third man then says to St. Peter, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must we be quiet when we pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."
     
  22. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    The pope landed at the airport and ran out and got in a taxi. He told the driver to please hurry, because he was late for a very important meating, and he gave him the address.

    The driver proceeds at the regular speed limit. The pope says, "I told you to step on it, I'm very late for a meeting!" The driver said, "I'm sorry, but I can't take a chance on getting a speeding ticket. I've already gotten my limit and if I get another one I'll lose my drivers license and can't drive a cab anymore." "Well then," says the pope. "You get back here and let me drive!" So they switched places and the pope started driving really fast. He ran every red light and stop sign. Soon a policeman pulls him over. The pope said to him, "I'm sorry officer, but I'm trying to get across town for an important meeting." The officer said, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you at first. Just follow me and I'll give you an escort."

    With sirene screaming and the bubble gum machine popping, they roar through the city. Then the cop gets on his radio and calls headquarters and says to the dispatcher, "Help me clear the way, I'm escorting a very important man to his meeting." "Who is it," asked the dispatcher. "I don't know," replied the cop, "But the pope is driving him around!"
     
  23. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    The first little pig walked into the bar and said "Can I have a rum and coke?" The bar man said, "Okay." Then the little pig said, "Can I use your toilet?" The bar man told him it was straight ahead. Then the second little pig walked into the bar and said, "Can I have a rum and coke?" The bar man said, "Okay." Then the little pig said, "Can I use your toilet?" The bar man said straight ahead. The third little pig walked into the bar and said, "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bar man said, "Okay." Then the bar man said, "I suppose you want to use the toilet?" But the third little pig replied, "No, I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."
     

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