Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. sculptor Valued Senior Member

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  3. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    The optimist and the pessimist have the same amount of water. The optimist can't do more with it.
     
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  5. DaveC426913 Valued Senior Member

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    Yes, but that's not the point, is it?
    The pessimist sees a half glass of water he won't get.
    The optimist sees a free half-glass of water he didn't have before.
     
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  7. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    And the train driver still sees 3 idiots on the track with two of them each holding, and looking at, ½ a glass of water with the third looking for a way off the track

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  8. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    No, the point is that it doesn't matter how they see it. Our society tends to think of optimism as good and pessimism as bad - but the fact is that the situation is the same no matter how you "see" it or describe it.

    There's a saying, "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst." Pessimism can actually be more useful.
     
  9. DaveC426913 Valued Senior Member

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    I disagree. You assume we exist in a vacuum, with no history. When it comes to humans, all things are contextual (such as: I just walked in after wandering in a desert).

    While I agree with the first part, that is not what I call pessimism. Preparing for the worst is not the same as believing the worst.
     
  10. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    For practical purposes, it pretty much is. If the optimist doesn't believe it's going to happen, he's less likely to prepare for it. For example, the climate-change optimists who think it will all fix itself.
     
  11. Magical Realist Valued Senior Member

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  12. Magical Realist Valued Senior Member

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  13. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    From email from friend in Melbourne

    Ponderisms:
    Why do peanuts float in a regular coke and sink in a diet coke. Go ahead and try it.....
    I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
    How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
    Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going?(taxes)
    Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
    What disease did cured ham actually have?
    How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
    Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
    If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
    Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
    Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
    Why do doctors leave the room while you change??? They're going to see you naked anyway.
    Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
    Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
    If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
    If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
    If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
    Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
    Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
    Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
    HOW DID THE MAN WHO MADE THE FIRST CLOCK, KNOW WHAT TIME IT WAS?

    Not sure about the peanuts at the top is just to get you to do something silly ????

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  14. Magical Realist Valued Senior Member

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  15. DaveC426913 Valued Senior Member

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    This show is so popular it's on TV all the time.
    It's called "Blackout in Effect".
    Zero stars. Would not recommend.
     
  16. Magical Realist Valued Senior Member

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    Cat drama moment...

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  17. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    The Aldi Docror

    Who thinks their doctor charges too much? Try the Aldi Doctor.

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

    "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies."There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's; just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do
    about it.

    It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

    He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

    "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

    That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
    began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

    He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples
    from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

    The computer prints the following:

    1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
    2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
    3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
    4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
    5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

    Thank you for shopping at Aldi.

    Friend in Melbourne
    email

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  18. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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  19. Magical Realist Valued Senior Member

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  20. DaveC426913 Valued Senior Member

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  21. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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  22. Magical Realist Valued Senior Member

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