Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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    How do you make a hormone?

    Don't pay her.
     
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  3. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 69 years old Valued Senior Member

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    For those who like Black Adder and Shakespeare Macbeth



    Couple of minutes long

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  5. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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    Don't hire a retarded dwarf.

    It's not big and it's not clever.
     
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  7. wegs With brave wings, she flies . . . Valued Senior Member

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    TheFrogger and Michael 345 like this.
  8. wegs With brave wings, she flies . . . Valued Senior Member

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  9. wegs With brave wings, she flies . . . Valued Senior Member

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  10. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 69 years old Valued Senior Member

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  11. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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    A man walks into a pub.

    Ouch!

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  12. paddoboy Valued Senior Member

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    Three very close Irish brothers while having a beer were discussing one of them who decided to move to Australia....Paddy said to Mick and Sean, the drinking together is what I'm really going to miss. In future why when we are having a beer, don't we always continue to order three beers as we do now. They all agreed this was a wonderful idea!

    The day came finally when Paddy boarded his plane and left his two brothers at the terminal in tears. Paddy quickly settled down in Sydney and found a nice little watering hole close by.

    He walked in one day and went up to the bartender and asked for three schooners of beer. The bartender obliged and watched Paddy take them back to an empty table, and slowly drink the three beers. The next day Paddy again did the same thing and continued for the rest of the week....into the Pub, order three schooners and drink them. Finally the bartender's curiosity got the better of him and he asked Paddy one day, "Hey Paddy why do you order three beers all at the same time? Why not one at a time and then they would remain chilled and not get warm and we always have plenty on tap. So Paddy told him about his two brothers in Ireland and how they would continue to order for the one/s that were absent and maintain their custom and closeness. The bartender nodded and wiped a tear from his eye and said, "Ahh that's beautiful Paddy, I understand now"

    After this daily routine continued for a month or so, the Pub locals got to know Paddy and accepted the rather weird behaviour of ordering three beers at a time. One day however Paddy came in and ordered two schooners. The bartender's jaw dropped and he sadly gave Paddy the two schooners and accepted that Paddy had lost one of his brothers who had passed on. Quickly he decided on a course of action and went around to all the other locals, told them that one of Paddy's brothers had died and took up a collection for their grieving friend.

    The bartender went across to Paddy and gave him the sizable sum of money to help. Paddy looked bemused and asked, "what's this for?" The bartender sadly explained and offered his condolences for his loss. Paddy looked up and laughed, "No no"he said, "You have it all wrong!" My brothers are all OK...It's me! I've given up drinking!!"

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  13. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 69 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam
    Of course I was a bit on edge because some of my friends havee gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted

    The waiting room was filled with patients

    As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler

    I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,

    “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THED ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

    All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around too look at me, a now very embarrassed man
    But as usual I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

    “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”

    The room erupted in applause!

    DON’T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS

    Friend email

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  14. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 69 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Pope has heart attack

    The Vatican flying medical squad are working on him and manage to keep him this side of Pearly Gates

    Few days later when the Minion Acolytes feel it safe to do so they ask

    "With your near death experience did you see god?"

    He looks at the Minions and begins to tear up

    Minions look at each other thinking tears of joy

    Then he bawls his eyes out

    "She's black"

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  15. sculptor Valued Senior Member

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    old joke
    but
    when first i heard it
    it was a white southern baptist minister
     
  16. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 69 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Just caught up with me

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  17. James R Just this guy, you know? Staff Member

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    A man is at the bar when another customer carrying a small suitcase comes in and sits down next to him. The man orders a drink and while he is waiting opens the suitcase and pulls out a miniature piano and stool. Next, he pulls out a 12-inch-tall man dressed in formal attire. The tiny man sits at the piano and begins to play a complicated sonata.

    The first man exclaims "That's amazing! I've never seen anything like it. Where did you get the little man who plays the piano?"

    "Well, it's kind of a long story. See, I was cleaning up the attic and I found this old oil lamp. I tried to polish it up a bit and - what do you know - a genie popped out and gave me a wish."

    "Do you still have that lamp? Do you think I could get a wish, too?"

    The man reaches into the suitcase and pulls out a tarnished old lamp.

    "Well, here it is, but I have to warn you. Speak loudly, because the genie is a bit hard of hearing."

    The first man eagerly takes the lamp and rubs it. Poof! A genie emerges from the lamp in a cloud of blue smoke.

    "I am the genie of the lamp! Disturber of my slumber, you get one wish and one wish only. What is your desire? Make it quick, because I don't have all day!"

    A little startled, the man quickly considers his decision.

    "Okay, genie. I want a thousand fucks!"

    "Your wish is my command."

    Suddenly, the entire bar is full of ducks, flapping around the tables and flying through the air, disturbing the customers and knocking over drinks.

    "Hey!" says the man "I didn't ask for a thousand ducks!"

    The guy with the suitcase says "And I didn't ask for a 12 inch pianist."
     
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  18. James R Just this guy, you know? Staff Member

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    A man walks into a bar. The barman says "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
     
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  19. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 69 years old Valued Senior Member

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    New sex medication pill on market

    This one for the ladies

    Pink in colour for vaginal dysfunctional with trouble becomings suitably moist

    Provisionaly named Niagara

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  20. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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    Terrible Michael, terrible

    Did you hear about the man who got Viagra stuck in his throat?

    He woke with a stiff neck.
     
  21. paddoboy Valued Senior Member

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    The best starts at around the 2.20 seconds mark...Listen to the camera man in the background, in hysterics!
     
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  22. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 69 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Not sure if this come from this forum
    Sorry if it has
    Enjoy if not

    A pickle, a cucumber & a penis were talking about life

    The cucumber said when I get big & hard they chop me up & toss me in a salad

    The pickle said when I get big & hard they chop me & drown me in vinegar

    The penis said that is nothing compared to what I’m going through, when I get big & hard they put a plastic bag over my head & put me in a dark damp cave & bang my head against the walls until I throw up and faint

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  23. TheFrogger Valued Senior Member

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    An English, Scottish and Irish Builders are eating lunch on a rooftop. The English Builder opens his lunchbox and removes a Sandwich.

    "Cheese!" He says. "If I have Cheese-sandwhiches again tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this roof."

    The Scottish Builder opens his lunchbox.

    "Ham!" He says. "If I have Ham-sandwhiches again tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this roof."

    The Irish Builder opens his lunchbox.

    "Paste!" He says. "If I have Paste-sandwhiches again tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this roof."

    The next day the three Builders are atop the same roof, about to eat lunch. The English Builder opens his lunchbox.

    "Cheese!" He says, before jumping off the roof.

    The Scottish Builder opens his lunchbox.

    "Ham!" He says, before jumping off the roof.

    The Irish Builder opens his lunchbox.

    "Paste!" He says, before jumping off the roof.

    At the funerals, the Wives of the builders are making speeches.

    The Englishman's Wife declares, "I didn't know he was sick of cheese. If only he had said something."

    The Scottishman's Wife makes a speech. "I didn't know he was sick of Ham. If only he had said something."

    The Irishman Wife rises. "I didn't know he was sick of Paste. I wouldn't mind but he made his own sandwiches."
     
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