Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. TheFrogger Banned Valued Senior Member

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    What do you call a Jewish band?

    Jesus and the four-skins.
     
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  3. arfa brane call me arf Valued Senior Member

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    I once had someone tell me I seemed to think I was above it all.

    I replied that I was only trying to get to the bottom of why I felt like I was behind the eight-ball, but with clowns to the left of me and jokers to the right, I didn't want to start getting ahead of myself given all the difficulty with staying on top of things.
     
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  5. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Last edited: Dec 1, 2018
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  7. TheFrogger Banned Valued Senior Member

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    The nice misties: smack, crack and pot.
     
  8. TheFrogger Banned Valued Senior Member

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    Apologies, that should be, "The nice trippies."
     
  9. TheFrogger Banned Valued Senior Member

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    ...when you go to Church be sure to visit the bell-end. ☺
     
  10. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Lady goes to a movie and got in just as the lights going down

    Finding her way through a row she sat down

    Sometime after she feels a nip on her bottom

    Looking behind and around she couldn't see any person around

    Settled down again and it happened again

    Finding her small door lock torch she looked on the seat next to her

    To her surprise there looking back was a lobster

    The gentleman one seat over noticed and asked "Is there a problem?"

    "This lobster is nipping me"

    "Oh sorry" and reached over and picked the lobster up

    "Who brings a lobster to the movies?" she asked

    "Well I was at my friends and he had just come back from collecting his lobster pots. He had a good catch. Told me to take one

    I said thanks I'll take one home for dinner"

    "Oh he's already had my bait for dinner. Take him to a movie"

    Adapted from old, 1964, Dean Martin movie Kiss Me Stupid just seen on TV

    Yes my life is that exciting

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  11. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    A man walks into a library

    I'd like a hamburger and chips please

    Sir this is a library

    Man lowers voice

    I'd like a hamburger and chips please


    NT newspaper Darwin 22/12/2019


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  12. Truck Captain Stumpy The Right Honourable Reverend Truck Captain Valued Senior Member

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    I rather loved the Mercedes commercial that used this joke, but they used a blonde
     
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  13. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Love it

    Not seen as in Australia

    Just noticed in my post joke still being used a year from now. Oops

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  14. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Roman centurion walks into a bar with four friends

    Holds up two fingers, Churchill style, to the bartender

    Five beers please

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  15. DaveC426913 Valued Senior Member

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    Did we already do the other Roman one?

    Roman walks into a bar, asks for a martinus.
    Bartender says "Don't you mean martini?"
    Roman says "If I wanted two, I would have ordered two."
     
  16. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    A 70 year old boss calls in his 25 year old secretary as soon as he arrives in his office

    "I would like to treat myself today and this is what I would like to do. At 6 pm this afternoon I would like you to come into the office. I will throw $1,000 onto the floor. You are invited to pick up the $1,000 and for the amount of time it takes you to pick up the $1,000 I would like, if you agree, to have sex with you. Go back to your desk and think about it"

    Back at her desk she calls her boyfriend and explains the situation

    "Well we could do with some bonus money. Go back and ask him to increase the amount to $2,000 to find out how serious he is"

    She gets back to her boyfriend soon after and explains he agrees but now the encounter will be the next night

    Next morning he calls his secretary in and repeats his request upping the amount to $2,000

    She agrees and at 6 pm enters the office, he throws down $2,000

    About 7 pm the boyfriend calls for a update

    "How going hunny?"

    "Good news, bad news. Good news yes we have $2,000. Bad news he threw down $2,000 in 5 cent coins. Don't wait up for me tonight"

    Adapted from a joke friend sent me on Messenger

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    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 23, 2019
  17. TheFrogger Banned Valued Senior Member

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    Why do Cows wear bells? Because their horns don't work.

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  18. TheFrogger Banned Valued Senior Member

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    The Queen is having a garden party and invites a school of disabled children.

    At the party the Queen approaches three children. She says to the first child, "if you can touch your nose, you can have an ice-cream." The child grunts and struggles, but misses his nose. The Queen approaches the second child, "If you can touch your nose you can have an ice-cream." The second child grunts and struggles, but misses her nose. The Queen approaches the third child. "If you can touch your nose, you can have an ice-cream," the Queen says. The third child grunts and struggles but successfully touches his nose. "Well done," says the Queen, and hands the child an ice-cream.
    "Thank-you," says the child, and sticks the ice-cream in his face.

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  19. sculptor Valued Senior Member

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    When I heard that joke 60 years ago, it was "spastic" children.................

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  20. TheFrogger Banned Valued Senior Member

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    It's still funny though.
     
  21. sweetpea Valued Senior Member

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    God is on the psychiatrist's couch...
    The strink is telling him, ''It doesn't matter what people say about you, as long as you believe in yourself your be fine.''
     
  22. TheFrogger Banned Valued Senior Member

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    "He was remanded into custardy!"

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  23. TheFrogger Banned Valued Senior Member

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    A man ran twenty-six miles after a chocolate-bar. He thought it was a marathon, but it was a snickers.
     

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