I vs you

Discussion in 'Linguistics' started by christa, Oct 14, 2010.

  1. christa Frankly, I don't give a dam! Valued Senior Member

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    So I just got done with an assignment in a class of mine. We had to write a few I statements out of you statements. And I started to wonder how the SF crew would come up with some statements? Do you use them when you are debating? Do you use them at home? Can you come up with some of your own examples?

    here are some I have..
    “I know you think your music sounds better when you play it loud. . When you turn the music up that loud, it makes me annoyed , because you know I do not like your type of music. When you chose to ignore my request, it makes me feel like you do not care about the feelings of anyone else in the house.”



    “I know you like to play with your sisters and tease them, but I think when you tease your sisters, you should expect them to tease you back and not get so angry about it, when it is all in fun. It seems unfair to me when I see you getting angry and touchy because the girls are picking on you. I think with you being older, if you decide to pick on the girls, then expect them to return the favor .”



    “I enjoy spending time with you and I know you like to be close to people and touch them . I feel like people are invading my space and that I cannot breathe when someone is continually touching me. This is why I am continually pulling away from you .”
     
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  3. christa Frankly, I don't give a dam! Valued Senior Member

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  5. christa Frankly, I don't give a dam! Valued Senior Member

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    Will people who have something good to say post? I want to see how other people would write an i statement from a you statement..

    Like change I hate the way you drive, to an I statement,,
     
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  7. Neddy Bate Valued Senior Member

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    "I hate the way I drive."


    ???
     
  8. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

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    * * * * NOTE FROM THE MODERATOR * * * *

    Christa, I don't think anyone understands this. I have deleted the responses that were insulting and/or off topic, and as you can see there's almost nothing left.

    Your examples are not very instructive because, I think, they don't quite fulfil the requirements. The change from "you" to "I" was done by strictly rhetorical means. The exercise is supposed to change one's focus, not one's grammar.

    You capture the requirement to say something about yourself, but still your statements are full of criticism of the other party. That's the one thing you're supposed to eliminate.

    An over-the-top example of this might be:
    • Original statement: You are a stupid, worthless child who drives me crazy; you should run away from home.
    • Revision: I am crazy because you are a stupid, worthless child, and I would be happier if you ran away from home.
     
  9. christa Frankly, I don't give a dam! Valued Senior Member

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    well I am still learning about them too, so I am not that helpful.. haha!! But I figured we had intelligent men and woman in here.. I'm tyring to find more for it
     
  10. SilentLi89 Registered Senior Member

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    How about this...

    You: "You always make decisions without consulting me. You are so rude."
    I: "I really feel left out, when you make decisions without telling me. It really hurts my feelings."

    I feel like the first one would make the listener defensive and could start a fight, but the second is more likely to make them apologetic and more willing to explain why they behaved the way they did or try to make sure you don't feel that way anymore.

    Crista's sentence:
    “I enjoy spending time with you and I know you like to be close to people and touch them . I feel like people are invading my space and that I cannot breathe when someone is continually touching me. This is why I am continually pulling away from you .”

    I'm not an expert by any means, but I am studying social psychology and social sciences and I think this sentence is a pretty good "I statement". It is basically making the issue mostly about you and not about them "It's not you, it's me". That way they don't feel like you are attacking them, directly.
     
  11. spidergoat Valued Senior Member

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    I feel that the touchy-feely psycho talk I am currently being subjected to is eroding my propriety with regard to appropriate word choices.
     
  12. christa Frankly, I don't give a dam! Valued Senior Member

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    I am starting to study social sciences for an AA in the social work field. Next semester I start intro to psyc and intro into sociology amongst some other classes.
     
  13. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

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    If you want to be a great sociologist, you should take some courses in anthropology. It's a cliche that sosh is an easy major because you only take the elementary courses in psych and the elementary courses in anthro. You can elevate yourself above that level by doing more advanced work.

    Chemical engineering is just the opposite: You have to take all the most difficult courses in engineering AND all the most difficult courses in chemistry.

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    Both psychology and anthropology are "soft sciences" because many of the fundamental steps in the scientific method, such as experimentation, are difficult or impossible (not to mention immoral and illegal) to perform. In order to avoid allowing sociology to become "the softest of the soft sciences" (although it has to compete with economics for that title!) it's important to inject as much scientific rigor as possible.
     
  14. christa Frankly, I don't give a dam! Valued Senior Member

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    I know I could try to do harder work, but at the moment, I am not sure if I could do it or not. I'm trying to slowly build myself up, while still raising my daughter, and working. The child, youth, and family thing here has a program where they pay you to go to school, and then after you graduate, you have a 2 year contract with them, witch I find pretty amazing just need to look into it. Then just go on from there.
     
  15. spidergoat Valued Senior Member

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    "which", not "witch" my dear
     
  16. christa Frankly, I don't give a dam! Valued Senior Member

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    ya, I tend to do that a lot.. I am thankful for my words grammar checks. haha
     
  17. wynn ˙ Valued Senior Member

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    The OP seems to be about I-messages.
    The basic pattern for I-messages is:

    When you say/do X, I think/feel Y.

    E.g.:
    When you drink alcohol, I feel sad.
    When you don't return my calls, I feel like you are deliberately ignoring me.
    When you tell me you love me, but a little later call me stupid, I am confused.


    IMO, this sort of communication works only in relationships that have a healthy basis already and where the parties involved care about eachother's thoughts and feelings.
    Saying such things in relation to something a stranger said or did, or someone with whom you are not on particularly good terms, will not bring on the desired effect - the desired effect being resolution of conflict and restoration of the relationship.
     
  18. wynn ˙ Valued Senior Member

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    Of course, I-messages can easily reveal less-than palatable truths ...

    Part of the appeal of simply calling people names and criticizing them is that we avoid directly stating how we really think/feel, as this may reflect badly on ourselves and others.
     
  19. christa Frankly, I don't give a dam! Valued Senior Member

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    Sometimes reveling how you truly feel about something, can lead to something else. But you get your point across about something.

    Do you think that its possibly to make an I statement in a different way? Like, could u say something like "I don't like it when you don't tell me how much money we have for bills... (then make a you statement) you never care about it! It really hurts when I don't know how much is in the bank to pay the bills! Why does it seem like you don't care?" or something like that....
     
  20. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

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    An absolute stranger you just ran into on the subway? Well maybe. But we have varying levels of relationships with most of the people "in our lives," and this technique will have varying (non-zero) levels of effectiveness within those relationships. Your manager at the office, your subordinates, your peers, your neighbors, your gardener, your cleaning lady, your doctor, tradesmen, people you do business with... Everyone, except people with extensive psychological training and an exceptional ability to apply it introspectively, reacts less negatively to statements with a less accusatory tone.

    "Someone with whom you are not on particularly good terms?" Perhaps one of the causes of that poor relationship is too many "you" statements.

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    Not stating directly how we really think and feel leaves the addressee free to guess how we think and feel. If the statement is hostile, he's automatically in a defensive frame of mind so he will attribute the most unflattering traits to us. I don't see how being more candid and straightforward will, at least on the average, result in an even poorer reflection on ourselves.

    I think a major part of the cause is that most of us are not skilled at describing what we think and feel. We're taught to suppress our feelings. I feel that this is especially true in America but perhaps it's a problem everywhere.
    And that is a really good thing, right? BTW, you really need to have less faith in your spell-checker and proofread your writing. "Reveling" is a real word, but it gives your sentence a completely different meaning from "revealing," which I'm sure is what you meant.

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    Well that's a good start, but the problem is that you're merely appending the "I" statement as a preface to the "you" statement. The accusatory tone is still there in the "you" statement.

    The third sentence in that group says it all: "It really hurts when I don't know how much money is in the bank to pay the bills." But still that has a strong emotional component. Why not more fact and less emotion? "When I don't know the balance of our checking account, I run two risks. One is that I'll overdraw the account and the bank will sock us with a $35 overdraft fee; on our income that's a lot of money. But even worse, I could be writing a check for something we really need, like a replacement for the water heater that blew up last month, and when the plumber calls the bank they tell him that the check won't clear, and we'll have to live without hot water. What kind of communication system can we set up between ourselves to make sure this never happens?"

    Communication requires craft. Just spouting out the first words that come into your head isn't usually the best way to start an important conversation. It doesn't matter whether they come from your emotions or from a formula you learned in school. You have to think!
     
  21. christa Frankly, I don't give a dam! Valued Senior Member

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    Yes, I can see how it would matter more to the people you have to deal with on a more daily basis could have a better impact then it could just a random person on the street..

    There are some situations when the person is already hostile and even I feel like this wont even work to get them out of their frame of mind. But at the same time, I think that even in the middle of arguing and stating so many you statements, the moment someone starts mentioning how they FEEL about something, it will make the other person mention how they feel, and it will slowly cause the tension to move down to everyone stating how they feel and it will make the moods lighter, and get communications flowing the way they should be.

    I feel like that too. Everyone is quick to say you did this!! they don't care how it makes a person feel. The majority of Americans are selfish and just don't care about how others feel because its not them...

    That is what I thought... haha!! Do you think that it is possibly to make a you statement without meaning to accuse someone?



    I have found that writing what i want to say works good for me. It helps me get out what I need to say, all while they know its how I am feeling. Since I am pretty bad at stating how I feel for the most part. I have found a guy whom I am not scared to share my feeling with, nor say what is on my mind. Hes becoming like my best friend, and I am thankful that I am in a relationship where I can be happy to be myself, and not feel so pressured into anything.
     
  22. SilentLi89 Registered Senior Member

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    Are "I messages" and "I statements" different things? If not then are my sentences wrong? That's what I was taught in an Interpersonal Relationship class I am currently taking. But I think they work on everyone. When you blame, people get defensive and start fights.
     
  23. christa Frankly, I don't give a dam! Valued Senior Member

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    Do you mean interpersonal Communication? Because that is the class that this came from.. haha
     

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