How to make real human friends and get a girlfriend?

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Vexen, Sep 9, 2015.

  1. Vexen Registered Member

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  3. spidergoat Liddle' Dick Tater Valued Senior Member

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    You might have autism or something. Also don't refer to people as "humans". It makes you seem like an alien visitor.
     
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  5. IIIIIIIIII Registered Senior Member

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    Well many inventors like Alan Turing or Nikola Tesla were under the Autistic Spectrum... even Einstein. That is a good sign I would say

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  7. spidergoat Liddle' Dick Tater Valued Senior Member

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    Yeah, me too. But it makes dating difficult.
     
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  8. IIIIIIIIII Registered Senior Member

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    You know, Humor and Intelligence is often liked by quite good looking and smart girls... Even if you are under the autism spectrum.

    I have to admit that the link that I came across through a friend of mine, maybe a bit like you, made me (gently) laugh and change my mind on things that I didn't really know. Maybe you should have a look (it's not about dating though)

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    : http://isnt.autistics.org/

    My 2 cents.
     
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  9. Vexen Registered Member

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    Sometimes I can go days without saying a word or talking to people.

    I only think.

    I wish I could keep some of my mind and get a new body, and a new life. That would be nice.

    Thanks for the help
     
  10. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

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    While it is not true that most rich people are unhappy (a canard invented by rich people to make us more sympathetic to them), it's just as true that becoming rich will not automatically make a person happy.

    Obviously, it's difficult to be happy if you don't have the basic resources for an average 21st-century life in a prosperous nation, including a place to live, enough food to eat and access to medical care. But this minimal set is a guarantee of nothing more than survival, not happiness.
    Let's see if I understand this.
    • You're not happy.
    • The primary cause of your unhappiness is lack of fulfilling social relationships.
    • So your solution is to read, an activity that distracts a person from interacting with other people...
    • ... and to invent something useful, which will take up a lot of your energy and greatly reduce the time available for interacting with other people.
    If I didn't know better, I would interpret this manifesto to imply that you really don't like people and want to spend as little time and energy as possible with them.

    I think you need to sit down and take stock of yourself. You're not being totally honest with you. People who want to make friends, much less find a romantic partner, go out and mingle with people.

    Your words say that you want people in your life, but your actions tell us the exact opposite.
    Again, here's yet another telltale clue that you really don't like people very much and you'd rather not spend much time in their company.

    The vast majority of people, anywhere on this planet, feel a need for human companionship. To "go days without saying a word or talking to people" is what prisoners in solitary confinement have to endure. It's not something the rest of us choose. The tiny fraction of the human race who actually prefer to avoid human contact get jobs as night watchmen or forest fire lookouts... or simply build a house out in the Arizona desert or the Arctic wilderness where they're unlikely to meet another soul for months on end.
    You really don't understand yourself. It's not your body that's the cause of your trouble. It is, in fact, your mind. It's your mind that decided that you don't like people. It's your mind that built a life with minimal human contact. And it's your mind that is now rather pissed off about all this.

    I'd recommend that you consult with a psychologist, specifically a Jungian analyst because in my experience they're the best kind--they'll put your life in perspective with the lives of people who lived hundreds, thousands of years ago--and figure out which of the Roman/Greek/Egyptian gods is your dominant archetype. (Not an actual psychiatrist: they are MDs who can prescribe drugs or even hospitalization.)
    Don't thank me until I'm finished. My summary of your predicament is that you don't like to be among people... yet you feel that there's something missing in your life without them--and you're 100% right about that!

    I don't think you're going to get the kind of help you need with a problem like this--one that goes down all the way to your very humanity--from a bunch of amateurs on a discussion board! You'll get comments, and some of them (like mine) may be well-thought-out and based on decades of living among my fellow Homo sapiens. But exchanging 100-word comments once or twice a day is simply not enough of a resource to drill down into a problem like this, which is, at its root, an issue of your very humanity.

    At the very least, you need face-to-face interaction. And that is something that you work very hard to avoid.

    The next move has to be yours.
     
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  11. Vexen Registered Member

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    Hi,

    I disagree with you that I don't want to interact with people. I'm sure I do.

    However, I think my low self esteem causes me to avoid people. It's probably just the normal social anxiety disorder that has been well documented in every population in the world. I recommend you "YouTube" a video about social anxiety or check on Google.


    Don't you people remember that awkward, quite guy in high school who always got bullied? Well, if you do, I'm sure that was me.

    I'm just looking for some help from people who are in a similar position or anyone else.
     
  12. cole grey Hi Valued Senior Member

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    step #1 - you have to have something you like about yourself. Realistically, if you hate everything about yourself, you will have a very difficult time, even if you can force yourself to go outside. You have to find some things you like about yourself, even if it is "i am a nice person and i care about people", or "I am the best at dungeons and dragons", or whatever. It doesn't really matter why you like yourself, because there are always people who will like any crazy niche thing in the world, and also, people who like themselves are generally more socially accepted than people who do not. Eventually you may end up in a real relationship with a girl, and at that time if you have nothing valuable to add to the world, you will probably get dumped (you don't have to invent anything. Have you seen the millions of people who achieve very little beyond having a child who MIGHT grow up to do something great? Graduating from your school, paying your way in the world, not hurting people, being intelligent enough to get excited about philosophers (unless they are logical positivist's hahaha) - all of these are highly respectable things.

    Step#2 - make a couple of guy friends, find people who have some moral values, not because anyone needs to be holier than anyone, but because you really should be able to meet a few decent people you can mostly trust. If you have a trust problem, remember this doesn't require you to fully trust someone with your life because you only need to trust a person as much as your relationship to them requires. (I hope you can actually find a few people (or one person) you actually would trust, because that is what good friends require.) This is also practice for the somewhat higher pressure social activity of dating.

    Step#3 - talk about meeting girls with your guy friends. This is what almost every 13-16 year old did anyway. They didn't hang out with girls generally, or hook up - they just talked about it, and basically worked themselves up to actual experiences. Don't think of yourself as abnormal. Think of yourself as someone who got caught up in other things, and is just a few years behind. (You may even come to see that many relationships can just be a painful waste of time and energy, and you really aren't behind all the people who have had crappy relationships for their teen years, and may not even be behind people who keep having crappy relationships for many years after that.)

    Step #4 - you will be prepared by now, and meeting a girl will be inevitable. Most relationships take a lot of effort, whether it is time, money, dealing with issues, etc., so, if you aren't willing to make enough effort to start a relationship, it is possible that you won't be able to sustain one anyway. I am not talking about right now, I am talking about after going through the first few steps i mentioned. If you are still not able to stop canceling meetings and so forth, either a girlfriend relationship is too much work at that point, or you would most likely want to see a therapist about your issues. Until you have found the time and energy to make an effort, you really shouldn't consider yourself abnormal or in need of psychological help. Maybe you are just tired from school, or maybe you just don't know how to start moving toward your goal.

    - There are a million "tricks" to getting social things done, but those are related to more specific details and situations, and are less about being ready to go meet people, so to use those methods you would need to trust that once you get out into the world you will automatically get happy and validating experiences, just by being around people, which is not always the case. As you will eventually find out, what works for one person might just be the opposite for another person in a different situation. Some girls like awkward, quiet guys (if they have redeeming qualities), some like bad boys (no redeeming qualities necessary haha), daddy figures, whatever - there is no accounting for taste in this world. Ok, rambling complete.
     
  13. BrianHarwarespecialist We shall Ionize!i Registered Senior Member

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    I will be conducting a social experiment on a theory I have of building heathy fullfiling relationships based on love. My theory boast to bring down the divorce rate as it gets more popular. I believe you will be a perfect candidate to participate once the program is launched I will send you a link containing instructions to get involved. Am really excited about this program, results will come.
     
  14. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    "Tricks" is probably not a good attitude to start with. I don't like the term "people skills" either. You're better off just being yourself than having people think you're trying to manipulate them. Your real self might not be appealing to many people but relationships based on reality are likely to last longer.
     
  15. Bebelina kospla.com Valued Senior Member

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    I have the same problem and still at age 45 haven't found any applicable solution, so I'm just dealing with it, accepting reality. I have a cat.
     
  16. IIIIIIIIII Registered Senior Member

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    I guess that people have to learn "all together and at the same time" to go toward one person at a time and speak with that individual for several days, weeks or months without any prejudice, make his or her own opinion and never communicate it to anyone... suppress the ego and find what you like the most.

    Then magically all those people you met and yourself became unique.
     
  17. Bebelina kospla.com Valued Senior Member

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    So basically you suggest stalking?
     
  18. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

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    Great work, Cole! Thanks so much for chiming in. If enough of us offer advice based on our own experiences, hopefully we'll eventually accomplish something.
    Right on! Perhaps his ultimate goal is love and romance, but he (seems to) have very little contact with men. Most of us start out in childhood making friends of the same sex and learning about socializing that way. The next step is to try it with the opposite sex. In addition to the value of all that same-sex practice, one has by now accumulated a group of friends to help with the opposite-sex relationship(s).
    Especially in the early years. But as we age, it often becomes a little easier. Two years ago, at age 69, I almost literally bumped into a lady at the club where I was preparing to sing karaoke. We chatted for 15 minutes and traded phone numbers. She called me a few days later and we arranged to get together. It felt like we'd already met somewhere, but of course we hadn't. The relationship kept getting better and better, so we got married last year. It's lovely.
     
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  19. Bebelina kospla.com Valued Senior Member

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    Congratulations Fraggle.

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  20. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

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    Well thanks! "Third time's the charm," as they say.

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  21. sculptor Valued Senior Member

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