How to fool Airport Security

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Don Hakman, Dec 16, 2004.

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  1. Don Hakman Registered Senior Member

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    In October this year, I was at Baltimore International Airport getting ready to fly to Seattle for a visit with some friends and then a jaunt up to Vancouver to see my brother.
    I'd bought some sneakers with no metal content, eyelets or shank, so I could walk through the metal-detector without removing my footwear.
    I placed all my metal objects in the plastic container provided and set it on the conveyor to go through the X-ray machine.
    I walked though the metal detector with nary a beep, but the TSA employee pulled me aside and said "We're going to have to wand you sir."
    I said, "But there's no metal in my sneakers, the machine didn't beep."
    He said, "But we're going to do it anyway."
    I never lose my good humor in such situations (because it usually makes things worse with those guys and gals), so I said "Please go right ahead," with a pleasant smile.
    "Please extend your arms out to the sides, sir." I did so, and he went over my arms and torso with the magic metal-detecting wand.
    " Sit in this chair, please, sir."
    I did so.
    "Please extend your right leg, sir."
    I did so, and he went over my leg with the wand. It beeped and chirped like a canary on speed.
    "Do you have a metal knee, sir?"
    "No."
    Any metal pins or screws in your leg?"
    "No."
    "Please extend your other leg, sir."
    I did so. Once again he went over the leg with the magic wand. Once again, beeping and chirping like an aviary at sunrise.
    "Do you have a metal knee in THIS leg, sir?"
    "No."
    "Any metal pins or screws in THIS leg?"
    "No."
    He was scratching his head, befuddled, when a supervisor who had witnessed the whole exchange, came over and tapped him on the shoulder.
    "John," he said, "it's the CHAIR leg."




    Another time a tin foil wrapped cheese wheel caused so much commotion at the US air checkpoint I put it to song.

    to the hymn of 'What a friend we have in Jesus'


    What a friend we have in cheeses
    Chedder munster and Guryere
    But what a hassle tis to carry
    past security at US Air.

    O what peace we often forfeit
    O what needless pain we bear
    All because we carried cheeses
    on board a flight of US Air.

    We were fondled and then X-rayed
    Because of troubles in the air
    The screener had trememdous courage
    to plunge their hands in underwear.

    Did we seem a fiend unfaithful
    who would bomb without a care
    Jesus is our cheese a weakness
    in security at US Air.


    Are we weak from ol bin Laden
    cumbered with a load of care.
    The guards ran to seek some refuge
    from tin wrapped cheese we had to share.


    Do the guards despise, forsake you?
    at air ports everywhere
    They are armed and may likely shoot you
    if they find some cheese in there.


    By the time this made the papers
    the story was in total error,
    with thanks, praise and endless worship
    for the guards at US Air.



    by Don Hakman -
     
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  3. marv Just a dumb hillbilly... Registered Senior Member

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    I'm sure that the relatives of certain airline passengers on 9/11 would find considerable humor in your post.
     
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  5. Thor "Pfft, Rebel scum!" Valued Senior Member

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    Heh heh, I really did like the first story for some reason. Don't ask why, just hit a spot on a bad day.

    And I know nothing about that cheese wheel incident (different country) so the song is lost on me.
     
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  7. Gambit Star Universal Entity Registered Senior Member

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    How do find humour in offering someone a negative point of view of security ?

    nice comment - marv !
     
  8. Roman Banned Banned

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    Securities a joke. Me and my family have smuggled heaps of shit back into the US, mostly potentially noxoius biological stuff or items poached from national parks.

    Once, coming back from Singapore, my dad had a backpack, carry-on, full of glass jars with bugs in 200 proof alcohol (that's absolute purity). We get stopped by security in Japan (these little guys had white gloves and were very polite), and they find the jars in the backpack.
    Security(in engrish):"What are these?"
    Dad:"Biological specimens."
    Security: "Oh, ok."
    Then security has us take our flip flops off and gives them the good ol wand + bomb detection test.

    So if you're intent on flying any planes into buildings, make sure you're entering the country, white, and have bottles full of cyanide. Or Nitro glycerine, and then just detonate at 30,000 feet.
     
  9. vslayer Registered Senior Member

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    4,969
    why not just use some of my wrist spears, with a rub of the arm i can launch a 1 foot wooden+plastic spear with the tip covered in poison ivy, about 10 feet.

    i have scratched myself with it in order to test it, and let me assure you, that if this thing stabs you you will be writhing in pain. and if i hold my hand over your chest when i fire, it will break ribs and stab you
     
  10. Godless Objectivist Mind Registered Senior Member

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    A European airliner company conducted a test;

    They packed a bagage with a fony bomb, all the bells and whistles were present: Wiring, clock, fake explosives. Then they shiped out of the US airport to test security. The bagage arrived in France, uncheked. Thus the US security is not checking every lugage, package, that are boarded upon the planes.

    This was in the news about a day or so ago. I vaguely recall what European airline conducted the test; I do recall though that it flew out of New York.

    Godless
     
  11. geodesic "The truth shall make ye fret" Registered Senior Member

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    The most ridiculous thing about airport security is that you can't even have a nailfile in your carry-on, but my dad had a fist-sized lump of granite - which was apparently fine. He got waved through, while my bag was searched, because my phone charger looks like a bomb, apparently.
     
  12. Dreamwalker Whatever Valued Senior Member

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    Heh, I had some batteries in a recharging station in my backpack with which I wanted to board the plane, saw it running through the X-ray and promptly those security guys wanted to see the inside of my pack... granted, it looked very much like a bomb...

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  13. chunkylover58 Make it a ... CHEEEESEburger Registered Senior Member

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    I like to put animal skulls from my collection in my carry-on bag. Trips them up at the X-ray station.

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    I once went through Logan in Boston with a camera bag full of betteries, chargers, a cell phone and its charger, etc. ... wires everywhere. No questions. No request to open my bag and check the contents.

    I noticed, also,in a gift shop inside the terminal ... PAST THE CHECKPOINTS ... a personal item used for travelers. It was a device used for hanging clothes ... a piece of wound wire about 2 feet long with a little hoop on each end. It looked like a garrot. It could easily have been used to strangle someone. They sell these AT THE AIRPORT, yet a woman was recently kicked off a plane for having a bookmark that was nothing more than a little lead weight with a leather strap because "it could be used as a weapon."

    :bugeye:
     
  14. slotty Colostomy-its not my bag Registered Senior Member

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    Yesterday British Midland airways banned a family from flying with them for life, because the sixteen year old kid made a joke about a bomb. The family were in the papers today bleating about how unfairly they had been treated. The kid should of known better. Stupid twats

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    Your story made me laugh Don

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  15. Thor "Pfft, Rebel scum!" Valued Senior Member

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    I almost got one of my souveniers confiscated from me on my way back from the Netherlands...it was a dead pufferfish that had been varnish or something to make it hard. They asked where I got it from and told me not to attempt to bring one out of hte country again as it could be used as a weapon. I can see the headlines now...

    "19 year old hijacks airliner with a pufferfish"

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  16. Roman Banned Banned

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    If a hand full of rag heads try to hijack and 747's in the US these days, they'll get so stomped to death. There's hundreds of thousands of angry middle-aged white men on planes ready to save the world.

    I don't think nail-files are too big a threat.
     
  17. vslayer Registered Senior Member

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    ya know that you can hi-jack a plane with a fire extinguisher and oxygen mask

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  18. blackmonkeystatue Unregistered User Registered Senior Member

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    One thing I never understood about 9/11...how the fuck did 3 planes get hijacked with box cutters? I never understood that. Made me lose respect for American people as a whole. Who knows how many people were on those planes and they were held at bay by a few guys with boxcutters. Maybe I'm missing something? Please tell me I am.
     
  19. vslayer Registered Senior Member

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    they took hastages, and the americans chose this one time to have a concience and care about other people for once. idiots
     
  20. Roman Banned Banned

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    I don't think that anyone on the planes knew that they were going to be used a missiles, so why bother going to a knife fight without a knife?
     
  21. Persol I am the great and mighty Zo. Registered Senior Member

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    At worst they were probably expecting to land at the wrong airport....not crash.
     
  22. A Canadian Why talk? When you can listen? Registered Senior Member

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    this reminds me of that one episiod of drew carey, where lewis and Oswald where air port security officers. At one point they had this one lady striped down to her unmentionables, and everytime she walked thur the metal dector Oswald would put his Watch thur the metal dector without knowing it, cuase it to of course, beep.

    Funn stuff.
     
  23. phlogistician Banned Banned

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    They had box cutters, which they used to slash up a member of the aircrew just to show they meant business, and told people in one aircraft at least they had a bomb.

    One report from a phone conversation said a passenger had been 'shot or stabbed' and another passenger reported being squirted in the face with some chemical spray, maybe Mace or CS gas.

    So it wasn't just box cutters. Maybe you should go and research the events some more?
     
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