How Joe and Nick changed the world

Discussion in 'Religion' started by Ted Grant II, May 21, 2017.

  1. Ted Grant II Registered Senior Member

    Imagine a conversation between Joseph of Arimathea (Joe) and Nicodemus (Nick)
    at about 4pm on the first Good Friday, 3 hours before sunset.

    "Right", said Joe, "We need to move a dead body and hide it in my tomb, are you game?"

    Nick, with a puzzled expression, asks, "Where is the body and where is the tomb?"
    Joe replies and points, "It's nailed to a cross over there and the tomb is in my garden. I'll show you."

    Nick & Joe do a quick recce. "That looks about 200 meters. Tell me how we are going to do it !" says Nick

    "Right" said Joe, "We're going to need 2 ladders and a hand cart. You find those, while I get permission from Pilate, which won't be easy, because he is famous for his vindictiveness and furious temper.
    I may be gone for some time."

    ...Later..., after permission has been granted and the equipment has been found, they reconvene at the base of the cross. "Right" said Joe, "Mind you don't step in the blood. Let's get the body down!
    You support it, while I pull out the nails."

    "But it's naked and covered with blood and dirt.
    I've got my new Passover clothes on and it looks very heavy !" complains Nick.
    "Right" said Joe, "Never mind about that, just be careful where you place those two ladders !"

    "How are you going to get the nails out?
    The wood is hard, the nails are big and the heads are tight against the flesh !" queries Nick.

    "Right" said Joe, "I hadn't thought about that. I can't lever them out without crushing the surrounding flesh and I can't see how to get a strong enough grip on the heads with pincers, especially whilst balancing on a wonky old ladder.
    I'll go and ask those nice Romans to see if they've got any ideas.
    We've only got 2 hours now and I know it's difficult, but we need to look on the bright side".

    ...Later..., after some unimportant steps, they get to the tomb in the rock face.
    "Blimey, that's a very impressive tomb, Joe ! Did you make it ? Did you buy it ?"
    "Well, I bought the land and used hammers and chisels. It took about 9 months to complete".
    "Strewth! That's amazing. You must really love this bloody dead body !"

    "Right" said Joe, ignoring Nick's sarcastic tone, "Roll your sleeves up. We need to lift the body off the cart, get rid of that thorny crown, wash the body, put some plasters on the cuts, wipe some spices all over the body, put grave clothes on it and place it on the slab inside, then seal the tomb. Phew!".

    "How are we going to seal the tomb?" asks Nick.
    "See that big stone? We'll roll it over the entrance." replies Joe.
    Nick examines the stone. "It looks very heavy !" Remarks Nick.
    "That's the whole point, to stop anybody stealing the body, duh!".
    "Why, in God's name, would anybody steal the body ?"
    "For Pete's sake Nick, stop moaning and don't mention God's name."
    "OK, Joe, it's all very mysterious to me, but I'll play along".

    Later, just before the sun starts to set, they complete the job.
    "Right" said Joe, "Thanks for your help, Nick.
    I'm off home now to get cleaned up. Phew, I stink, the wife is gonna kill me!"
    "Amen, you and me both. How am I going to explain these blood stains to the misses?
    She'll never Adam and Eve what we've been doing!"
    "Right, but I've got a funny feeling, what happened today, is going to be Good News soon."
    "Oh look. there's Mary and the other Mary over there. Hail Mary !"
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  3. Beer w/Straw Transcendental Ignorance! Valued Senior Member

    And this is how the resurrection looked.

    Michael 345 likes this.
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  5. Thomas Cranmer Registered Member

    Very amusing. Did you compose this yourself or cut and paste (I hope not).
    It's interesting to note that the Romans put guards at the tomb to stop the body being half-inched.
    They weren't very good guards as they didn't notice the Angel of the Lord moving the stone so Jesus could escape.
    Nor did they notice the naked Jesus walking out. What happened next I wonder.
    Imagine missing the most important event in history.
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