i have sent a similar thread on the other forums, the truth is that i really need help. I'm currently in a toxic relationship, we've been together for almost 3 years and the last 11 months have been the worst for me. I keep holding on to the notion that we were once good together, and that with time and patience it will get better. The truth is that things have gotten worse; he tells me he loves me and yet his actions suggest otherwise. We've spoken about this a number of times and his excuse is that he doesnt know what he wants or where his life is going. I really love him, and mentally know that this is toxic for me, it even affects my health. my question to you guys is how do i let somebody go after i have fought so hard to get them back? and how do i begin to mend the conflict between my mind and my heart.
What are his actions that you feel are so toxic to you? Perhaps you are trying to live up to an image of a perfect relationship rather than deal with the reality of the situation. You could be misinterpreting his actions.
it isn't good if its affecting your health is it? and you should trust your feelings and perception if you see h is saying one ting and his body language does someting else it is YOU who has te power of choice as to what to do. noone can tell you, caus noone can BE you. know all the relatonship, your character etc........
Well stress isn't good for you and I find relationships inherently stressful. Is it really very realistic to expect no stress at all?
unwrapped wrote... Been there. Done that. I was in a two year relationship that was slowly destroying me. I believed that things could be made as good as new. Don't believe it. If you're already unhappy enough to ask so many strangers for help, there's likely only workable solution. Eject. Eject. Eject. I left for work one day and on advice from friends and family who had seen what had become of me, just never went back. I phoned and said don't wait for me, 'cause I'm not coming back. Six years ago. And the best thing I ever did. Much luck. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Could it be that you thrive on the stress of the relationship? Maybe your life would be boring and empty without the conflict. You could gamble and search for the opposite, but then you would be required to surrender what you now have and know.
I've also been in a similar relationship, also three years. I know that no matter what people tell you or how much sense they make, in the end it still has to be your decision. A close relationship between two people (whether it's healthy or not) tends to be immune to good advice, or maybe it just has a very delayed reaction to it. But as long as you are making mental notes and weighing them honestly, they might accumulate into a decision... People do change, but in this case, your partner has already changed - from good to bad. Actions speak louder than words, and I hope you told him that! But you can't keep fooling yourself about the discrepancies plainly before you. 11 months is long enough to be sure it's not just a temporary phase. You can't make up his mind for him, he can't make up your mind for you, and it's possible that neither of you will think clearly about the future while you're together. It might seem like stupidity to "give up" after all the love and work you've put into the relationship, but do you want to get married with things going in the direction that they are? The hard lesson I learnt was: "Love" isn't enough. Not because it isn't sufficient - it certainly is - but by definition love requires the participation of both parties. For the same reason you cannot have peace when only one party is interested, you can't have love when only one party contributes to it. And contributing requires more than just words or even actions, it requires the commitment of the whole person: mind, body and spirit. If you were his therapist or spiritual advisor, your love might have served its purpose, but not for the kind of relationship you need. It might seem like the hardest thing to do to let him go, but in truth it's really no harder than staying with him. What's keeping you from making the decision is that you don't feel justified to make it. You might feel your love is great enough to handle even this, and it probably is, but just like you can lose a partner when he passes away, you can lose a partner when his love dies. You migth have heard this before: "If you love someone, let him go; if he really belongs to you, he'll come back - if he doesn't, he was never yours." It might be cliche, but it's a useful perspective on the situation. Marriage is a commitment that promises you'll put your life on the line for the relationship, but before that commitment has been made, this guy should realize it's possible to lose you. And the only person who can make this clear to him is you. You "move on" by taking it one necessary step at a time. You're a complete person in your own right, and you have everything you need to survive, even if it doesn't feel that way.
you said it yourself, "i know it's toxic" re-read what you wrote to us, you will find your answer. apparently, you have already convinced yourself that the relationship is not right, so what do you need us for, its up to you to take that step...good luck
You have made the decsion that the relationship is toxic all that remains is to take the action to end it.
You could be Co-dependant! You might get your sense of identity from this person. And if the relationship fails then you lose your sense of identity. However this is more reason to break the cycle. But if you can relate to the Co-Dep theory then you will need to work on these issues or you might end up in the same situation again.
I hope everything is ok, and just know you gotta do whats best for yourself, because in the end your the one that matters in this
Hi Unwrapped, People can change , sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse .... Your relationship is now affecting your health with stress - 1) Do you love him still - if no : DUMP HIM If yes - have you tried everything to change the relationship into something good again (including therapy for pairs by a professional ) 2) if you have tried everything and the relationship still do not work , then think carefully : What is the most importing thing for you , the relation with him and your love for him OR your health , and the fact, that in time you probably can find a nice guy who loves you ........... In the end the choice is yours ...... And yes , to end a relationship where you still love your ex , IS painfull........ Talking with your friends help a lot - a few needs professionel help .... If you break up , then remember why - his actions clearly showed that HE did not love you , though you loved him, and you tried everything to change him back into a good relationship - so don´t fall into the trap thinking that you were to blame for this ... Still it will take a long time before your heart mend - keeping busy with other things job, hobbies takes your mind of it .... Just remember , some day you will meet a nice guy again ....
Just simply surrender: that everything is perfect and what will happen cannot be avoided. Once you surrender to life (because you cannot control it ) you will be free of it -- far, far beyond your wildest dreams. And then you will look back and be entertained by all those egos that exercise the futility they need to control or worry about life.
If you are unhappy and see no solution then leave. It might seem hard at first but it gets easier after a couple of months. If you are both meant to stay together then the time apart will teach you both to be better people and who knows you might find a way back to each other.
