Dealing with loss

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by sifreak21, Sep 27, 2011.

  1. sifreak21 Valued Senior Member

    Last week My Father passed away.. I'm having a really hard time dealing with it.. how have you delt with it?
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  3. cosmictraveler Be kind to yourself always. Valued Senior Member

    My condolences to you and his friends and other family members. When my mother passed I was very distraught as well but soon started to stop my grieving about her and tried remembering the good things she had done for me and how her life was full of happiness and things that she enjoyed doing. While grieving is a very good thing to do in time it should start to fade away and you'll get on with your life but always keeping her alive in your heart.

    To live in the hearts we leave behind is not to die.
    Thomas Campbell

    Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.

    As a well-spent day brings happy sleep, so a life well used brings happy death. Leonardo da Vinci

    “Grief drives men into habits of serious reflection, sharpens the understanding, and softens the heart”
    John Adams
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  5. Me-Ki-Gal Banned Banned

    it is hard friend . I am crying for you right now . Fuck Me . my step mother dies unexpectedly a week before Christmas while I stated on this forum . My sorrow is recorded in my thread . Bebelina was there to catch Me when I fell from Me grace . I love her for it and she will be for ever in my Gratitude .
    Day by Dad bro Day by day . I got to go blow my nose

    Edit : It was a week before Thanksgiving not Christmas . I miss spoke
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2011
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  7. sifreak21 Valued Senior Member

  8. cosmictraveler Be kind to yourself always. Valued Senior Member

    Do hope that your doing better. Glad to have you back posting again.

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  9. Stoniphi obscurely fossiliferous Valued Senior Member

    My condolences for your loss.

    I also have lost my parents, am settling their estate right now. It is a passage that changes you. I hope, for the better.

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  10. NMSquirrel OCD ADHD THC IMO UR12 Valued Senior Member

    i was devastated when my Dad died,he died when i was 21,
    when my Mom died,it was no big deal..(didn't like or respect her much)

    it took awhile to come to terms with my dads death, all i can say is talk with your family and remember him in your thoughts,
  11. spidergoat Liddle' Dick Tater Valued Senior Member

    When my cat died, I found him with his head smashed in by a car, and buried him. I didn't cry at all but a couple days later I set aside some grieving time, drank some beers and remembered the little guy. I think you just need to take some time to yourself and just feel sad about it. I'm not saying that you can get it out of your system entirely, but I did feel better after that.
  12. chimpkin C'mon, get happy! Registered Senior Member

    I'm so very sorry, Scifreak. It doesn't make you weak if you cry, a good man is worth mourning deeply.
  13. scheherazade Northern Horse Whisperer Valued Senior Member

    I was present with my Mother in the hospital when her husband, my step-dad, passed. As the eldest child and no other relatives living near, it became my responsibility to look after my mother as she grieved her partner of 35 years, whom I had only had opportunity to come to know well in the last days of his life. I had no experience with death of a loved one until then, and in the months that followed there were several losses and one gain, a baby girl born to my brother just days after dad died.

    One just goes through the first days an hour at a time, Si, and there are usually some people who are there to help. Friends, neighbors, relatives, the appropriate authorities for getting the many details of arrangement of affairs and paperwork attended.

    Today was the burial, so many of these details have now been attended, and I would expect that you are probably exhausted, even if you are not aware of it at present.

    For the immediate future, taking care of yourself and each other, all immediate family, is a big priority, as often when grieving, people don't get enough rest or look after eating properly. I don't know your circumstances, but for most, there are jobs to return to, children who need to get to school, daily routines that need to be looked after.

    Everyone feels and deals with loss differently.

    For myself, I had a lot of routine in my work and caring for animals that needed my attention, and it was this responsibility that kept me busy and going, though I would find myself just breaking into tears in the middle of whatever I was doing at the ranch, because Dad was a former rodeo cowboy and our bond was through a shared love of horses. I would leak water for a while and then I would smile and remember some of the things that I had learned from him about the way a horse thinks and reacts. After a while, I could have these thoughts without the tears, able to skip forward to the happy memories.

    For Mother, it was a lot harder, because she had far more shared memories. Eventually we could talk about Dad and laugh at the things he would say and do, but it took a long time.

    Your Dad was a man who had faith, by what you say, so your Dad believed in an afterlife. That he has left as legacy his part in establishing a rehab center in Bozeman, MN is a very fine thing, and an ongoing positive memory for all who knew him to turn their minds to in times of sorrow at his absence.

    The body passes through this world Si, but the energy that was our life and is the memory of experiences shared never dies. It gets passed on from generation to generation as the experiences of past, present and future life.

    The sun shall surely rise again, and it shall light your way.

    In respect of your Father's love of Jesus, Psalm 23

  14. Orleander OH JOY!!!! Valued Senior Member

    My dad and I weren't close. We f=din't talk for about 6 yrs before he died. For me, I lost him long before he died. I was lucky to have a very strong mother

    I don't understand teh saying "I am sorry for your loss', instead I am sad for you though.

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  15. chimpkin C'mon, get happy! Registered Senior Member

    That sounds pretty rotten too, Orly...

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    I mourn like a one-person Greek funeral...that's how I deal with that I've lost weight I like to ball into a fetal position and's not pretty, so I really think for everyone else concerned, I ought to do it alone... but it really depends on your family, and how they do grieving.
    Last edited: Oct 1, 2011
  16. MacGyver1968 Fixin' Shit that Ain't Broke Valued Senior Member

    Damn. Sci...I am sooo sorry. I only hope your grief lasts a short time. Your father was obviously a stand up guy and deserves tribute.

    I stand at attention and snap a sharp salute in his honor.
  17. superstring01 Moderator

    This too, shall pass.

    Whatever kind words we communicate will seem vacuous compared to the grief you're feeling. So, just know that regardless of your status, wealth or success, you live because of your father.

    What better service to his memory and legacy than that of you celebrating his existence, telling his story and continuing to live your life as best as possible.

  18. Repo Man Valued Senior Member

    If this is your first time losing someone that you really care about, it will be a learning experience. My first time was almost three years ago, when a good friend was killed in a car accident. She was my best friend's oldest daughter, and I had known her since she was an infant. She was only twenty three when she died. She was one of my favorite people in the world.

    Hearing the news stunned me. I kept trying to find a way for it to not be true. I could only sleep a few hours a night; if I stirred during the night, I would wake up enough to remember that she was gone, and then there was no going back to sleep. My stomach was so upset that I was losing weight. I finally went to see my doctor, and ended up taking Zoloft for a time.

    The best way to describe how I felt was like a caged animal. I wanted to escape from this horrible reality, but there was no way out. The sadness seemed unbearable, and since I'd never even come close to mourning anyone like this before, I had no way to know how long these terrible sensations would last. Other told me they would fade with time, but how long?

    My feelings of loss and sadness have faded. My heart still aches whenever I think of her, and how she is missing out on watching her lovely little daughter grow up, and how her daughter will never really know her mother (she was only a little over two years old when it happened). The pain is still there, but it's manageable. And I now have a much better understanding of how others feel about losing someone they care very much about. I wish that I didn't have that insight, it was very dearly bought. But it's probably the only good thing I've salvaged out of an otherwise senseless tragedy.
  19. chimpkin C'mon, get happy! Registered Senior Member

    Like you're in a nightmare and can't wake up...because it's real, and it just keeps being real.
  20. Repo Man Valued Senior Member

    I sent a mass email on the night I found out to inform my friends and family about what had happened titled "Sometimes nightmares come true".

    On the morning of her memorial service, my friend Lisa (Sonja's mother) wanted me to help make a mix CD of Sonja's favorite songs to play at the memorial. I had to run an errand to get some of what I needed. When I started my car, Pearl Jam's cover of Last Kiss (a song about someone who loses his girlfriend in a car crash) came on the radio. It was hard to escape the feeling that the universe had it in for me that morning.
  21. Bowser Namaste Valued Senior Member

    When my pops died we tried real hard to move on and get past the loss. It was hard because he live with my wife and me in our house for many years. It takes time to adjust to the absence of someone close. There's no easy remedy.
  22. hunter121 Guest

    It doesn't make you weak if you cry, a good man is worth mourning deeply.
  23. kira Valued Senior Member

    Your dad was religious, how about you? If you believe in God, I will say "We belong to god, and to god we return". My society are religious, and in our society, if someone died, we didn't say "I am sorry for your loss", we say "we belong to god, and to god we return".

    When I was very little, the grandma from dad side died. As people burried her, some people cried, but my dad did not. Later I asked him, did you not feel sad? He said like this: "if you borrow Neli's (my friend) teddy bear, then the next day she picked it up back, will you feel sad?". I said no, it's Neli's, so I must return it to her. Then he said, "so was grandma, she belongs to god, so we now return her". I think he truly believed that, so it's good for him.

    If you are not religious, though, or sometimes religious sometimes not (like me

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    ), maybe you must try to be busy or to look for support from family and friends (or like here, this is ok). I lost my grandma from my mum side 10 years ago, and then my cousin 2 years ago, and then the baby of my sister last year. When my grandma passed away, I wasn't grieving much for a couple of reasons. I was surrounded by family, and grandma had been very ill for 3 months, last stage of cancer, and doctor already said that it couldn't be cured. However, at that time I was about to get my university degree, and grandma was waiting, because I am the oldest grandchild, and a kind of proud for the whole big family. The evening I graduated, she passed away with a smile on her face. I think that she was probably fighting a lot with her illness and she didn't give up until I got my degree and wear that cloth for graduation. So, she died happily and calmly, and I didn't feel sad.

    When my cousin and the baby of sister died, I feel crushed, because I am alone abroad and didn't get chance to fly back home. Yes I can contact my family in facebook on a daily basis, but it wasn't the same. Fortunately I have my bf around, so he helped me grieving. He took a chess board and took me to a nearby river, and forced me to play chess there (lol). He said, you can cry, but you must play chess with me. He knows that I hate losing, so my attention was distracted. So, get comfort in your friends.

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