Jokes and Funny Stories

While we are on the topic of heaven and hell, it should come as no surprise to learn that there is a gate between these two domains and that the maintenance of this gate is shared between the parties involved.

Anyway, the gate is in need of repair and St. Peter checks his ledger and observes that it is Satan's turn to do the honors so he gets a hold of the old devil and brings this matter to his attention.

Satan is in bad humor this day and tells St. Peter to fix it himself, and St. Peter reminds him that it is the turn of the underworld to do the repairs.

Satan tells him again, that it ain't going to happen.

St. Peter replies that Satan is leaving him no other option but to litigate over the matter.

To this reply, Satan bursts out in laughter, and a perplexed St. Peter asks him what can possibly be so funny about a lawsuit and the attendant costs.

"You slay me, Pete", replies the devil. "I'm just trying to imagine where it is that you are going to find a lawyer."

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

(Told to me by a lawyer with a sense of humor.

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

)

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

It is a damn shame that it is the actions of 99% of the lawyers that give the rest of them a bad name.

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

Rather puts the term 'devil's advocate' in a new light, does it not?

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

TQuestions About Lawyers
Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton

Q: If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one?
A: Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.

Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech>
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

Two Kinds of Lawyers
There are two kinds of lawyers: those who know the law and those who know the judge.

Mark Twain notes...
"It is interesting to note that criminals have multiplied of late, and lawyers have also; but I repeat myself."

Bad Reputation
Isn't it a shame how 99% of the lawyers give the whole profession a bad name.

People Drowning
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

 

Lawyers and Alligators
Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says, "I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than I am. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."
"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch 'em?"
"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite 'em, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a lawyer, there's nothing left but lips and a briefcase..."

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Got Cha

On their way home after celebrating their
25th anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful
evening.

"Oh. it's not over yet", says the husband.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black
velvet box. She opens it in anticipation, "But
what are these two little pills?"

"Aspirin", says he.

"But I don't have a headache," she says.

"There you are, I told you the evening wasn't
over yet!"

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Good News

An old Jew is sitting on a park bench reading
Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His friend Harry
walks by, stops, and says, "Irv, what are you
doing reading that paper? You should be reading
The Jewish Journal.'"

Irv says, "'The Jewish Journal' has stories
about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel...all
kinds trouble for Jewish people. I like to read
good news."

Harry says, "What good news could possibly
be in that paper?"

Irv says, "Well, Farrakhan's paper says the
Jews have all the money, the Jews control the
banks, the Jews control the press, the Jews control
Hollywood. See? It's all good news."

 

Single Black Female
This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Johannesburg Times.


SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your bakkie, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me... Call (011)885-6420 and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....


Over 150 men found themselves talking to the SPCA

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

OMG, ain't that the truth. I hired a lawyer and discovered he was lying to me, so I fired him and had to file a complaint against him to force him to return my $5K (but not before he kept it a few more months). Then I hired another lawyer, and one day he angrily insisted that he would be telling me what to do and not the other way around, so I fired him too. Hiring a lawyer makes him your servant, not your master. Now he's a justice on the appeals court — seriously. So I hired a third lawyer, and during a hearing, when the other lawyer told a whopping lie to the judge, my lawyer asked me why I hadn't told him that this important [lie] was an issue in the matter. I ended up losing. I also found out that a lot of white powder went up my third lawyer's nose. And people honestly wonder why America is going to Hell in a hand basket.

 

I didn't see the funny side to that! Where is the punch line?

 

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the ocean?

BOB

What about when he dries off in a pile of leaves?

Russle

What about when he's at your door?

Matt



What kind of bees make milk????.....

BOOBIES

 

Ah, please tell me what you call a woman with only one arm and one leg?

Eileen

And if she's Oriental

Ireen

Also,,,,,,

buried 6ft. under? - Doug
buried 3ft. under? - Douglas
sits on top of a podium? - Mike
in your mail box? - Bill
water skiing? - Skip
holding up a bank? - Rob
in a hole in the ground? - Phil
left a smudge on your floor? - Mark
flying over a fence? - Homer
sitting on a grill? - Frank
sitting on a pile of leaves? - Russel
that fell in the fire? Bernie
no arms, no legs, no torso? - Dick
no arms, no legs, under your car? - Jack
2 guys w/ no arms/legs hanging on your window? Curt & Rob

Woman with no arms, no legs on a fence? - Barb
" " " " " " on the beach? Sandy
with one leg shorter than the other? - Eileen
sitting on a grill? - Patty

 

SHARK!!

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He's scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the great white beast open revealing its teeth in a horrific splendor, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"

In an instant time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Aghast with confusion and knowing he can't lie the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"

The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracted back into the heavens and the man could feel the water begin to move once again.

As the atheist looks back he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.

Shocked, the man looks at the shark as the huge beast closes its eyes and bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive..."

 

Little Johnny & April

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

 

Seriously, it wasn't a joke, and it wasn't funny.

 

I read your story with interest, Cifo, and there is a sad irony to be observed in our 'justice system.'

It is, rather, a legal system, and the outcomes are frequently far from predictable.

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

 

Q; What is the difference between a Brown Noser and an Ass kisser? A; Depth perception.

 

If a politician says something and no one is around to hear it and it is not recorded in any way, is it still a lie?

 

Probably not- just a habit that is hard to break.